This one's dedicated to Siobhan; who's reviews inspired me to jump right back into writing today.
Stephenie Meyer, how do we love thee? Let me count the ways: Jasper… Carlisle… Emmett… Edward…
"Carlisle?" I asked timidly, knocking lightly on the door of his study. I had never been this nervous in my life. I had been planning this for weeks, considering it for months, but now that it had come down to it, I wasn't sure I could go through with this. "Can I talk to you a minute?"
This was the first time the two of us had been alone together since I came up with my brilliant - now terrifying - plan. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now….
"Of course, Bella." He answered, always cordial, closing his book and setting the thick volume aside as he turned to face me more fully. "Please, come in."
I was shaking uncontrollably as I walked into the room. My body urged me to keep going; fulfilling the need that had been building up inside of me for so long was worth the embarrassment I was facing now, but my mind was screaming for me to turn back; to run from the room, run from the house, and keep running.
"Isabella?" he asked, suddenly concerned. He rose from his chair and started toward me, a wrinkle in his brow and an unmistakably worried expression on his face. "Are you alright? Your heart is racing and you look flushed."
Unable to speak, I simply nodded at him as he came face to face with me. I couldn't take my eyes off of his and his incredible scent and hypnotizing eyes did nothing to help me form coherent speech. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, trying to settle myself, but I could feel his body close to mine, could smell his mouthwatering scent and feel his eyes on me, studying me, holding me hostage even when I couldn't see them.
When I opened my eyes he was there, inches from me, studying my every movement and expression, searching for meaning in my actions, for the purpose of my visit. It was now or never. I could do this. I had to do this.
"Carlisle…" I began, hesitantly. "I have a favor to ask you."
"Of course, Isabella. Would you like to come in and sit down?" No. I want to run away!
"Yes, thank you." If I thought the space of the desk between us would help with my courage or coherency, I was wrong.
"What can I do for you?" he asked, crossing his hands in front of him on the desk; a very human gesture.
"It's a little embarrassing." I admitted, blushing even further. "More than a little embarrassing, really. But I didn't know who else to ask." I didn't want to ask anyone else. I want you.
"There's no need to be embarrassed, Bella; we're family. And I'm a doctor - I've heard nearly everything there is to hear." Bet you haven't heard this one. Okay, Bella… Just say it.
"Look… I don't know how much Edward has told you about… well, about our being intimate - or rather, our not being intimate."
"Ah, yes. I was wondering when I might hear from you about this. Yes, Edward has indeed come to me on several occasions to discuss this matter. From what I understand, you wish to be intimate with him, but he refuses to engage in anything beyond kissing until you are made a vampire."
"Yes." I told him, my face on fire. "He's afraid he'll hurt me. I've tried to convince him otherwise, but…"
"Yes, well, Edward can be quite stubborn. I, too, have attempted to assure him that it's quite possible for the two of you to be together, but he's not willing to risk it."
"So, you do think it's possible?"
"I do, yes. Vampires have been intimate with humans before. I've told him as much, but…"
"Carlisle…" I began, suddenly nervous again. I trailed off, feeling my face flushing in fear as much as embarassment. I didn't know how to do this. I'd practiced, yes, but that was all theoretical. This was real; he was right in front of me. Seeing my nervousness, he circled the desk sitting in the chair next to mine, his body turning to face me.
"Bella? There's no need to be embarrassed. Was there something else?"
"I… I don't want to wait, Carlisle." I admitted quietly. "I have no desire to remain a virgin until I'm a vampire. I've told Edward this, but he won't listen and he has no intention of making love to me until I'm changed. The thing is, though… even if he were to decide to change me today, I wouldn't let him.
"I don't want to be changed before I've had this experience. It's the one human experience I refuse to give up. I'm giving up a lot of things along with my humanity, as you know, but not this one. Can you see my predicament?" I asked. As I did every time this subject came up, I found myself angry at Edward for trying to take away the one thing I wanted from my human life.
"Indeed, I do." He said sympathetically. Pursing his lips, he put a finger to his chin, lost in thought. "It seems the two of you are at an impasse." An impasse. Ha. I almost laughed out loud at the thought. An impasse; yes, we were at an impasse, alright.
"Yes. I was hoping…" Well, here goes… "I guess I was hoping you might…" Ugh! I can't DO THIS!
"I really think I've tried everything I can to convince him, Bella. If you'd like, I could try again, but…"
"No. That's not what I wanted to ask you. I was hoping… well, that maybe you would…" As I looked into his deep, understanding gaze, my shyness left me. It was me and Carlisle - nothing else - and I had been dreaming of this for so long. "Carlisle, will you make love to me?"
I studied his expression carefully. It was filled with shock and disbelief, but he composed it quickly. He stared at me silently with an absolutely composed, but blank expression, and I began to think that maybe I had made a mistake. Nope, no maybe… I had made a mistake… a big one. What if I had ruined everything? My relationship with him? With the whole family?
"Bella," Carlisle began, placing his hand gently on my arm, and for the first time in a long time the familiar tingle of desire didn't come with his touch. My panic overrode everything else. "I don't believe that would be the best idea." His voice was calm, clinical. It was almost worse than shocked and angry.
"O-okay…" I stuttered, rising quickly to my feet completely mortified, and pulled away. As I turned to leave, mumbling my apologies, I tripped over the leg of my chair. Carlisle had begun to say something else, but was cut short as I began to fall.
My head on the perfect trajectory to hit the corner of the desk, I was temporarily stunned as I instead met a rock hard pair of cold arms. Pulling me into a very tight embrace, he held me still, letting me get my bearings and allowing me to feel secure before lifting me up again.
"Sorry." I mumbled, attempting to disengage myself from his hold and escape humiliation.
"Bella…" he began softly. He looked into my eyes just as the first traitor tears began to escape them.
"It's fine, Carlisle… I'm sorry. I'll just…" The tears were flowing more quickly now, my only thought – escape.
"No, Bella. Please stay. I feel there are some things you need to understand." He released my struggling form, but kept my hand. I stood before him, exposed, embarrassed, waiting. "Isabella, what I have to tell you is… well, it's incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing, but after the way you opened yourself up to me, you deserve the whole truth.
"I fear that you may have heard the worst in my words. I don't want you to think I resisted you because I don't want you. As shameful as this is for me to admit, it would be criminal to allow you to believe so."
My mind, clouded with my own thoughts, struggled to put some meaning to his words, but a blank stare was the best I could manage. Taking my other hand in his, he moved closer to me as he spoke, his intense eyes blazing into my own. I was intoxicated by his presence, entranced by his beauty, and I had no choice but to stand before him openly.
"As difficult as it is for me to admit, Isabella, I have wanted nothing more in the world from the moment when first I saw you that dreaded day in the Emergency Room." What? I could do nothing more than stare at him as I took in the humiliation and shame on his beautiful face. He wanted me? That made no sense. I was the one who had wanted him. This couldn't be. It was an impossibility.
"Bella, I've tried to control myself over this past year for your sake, and for Edward's as well, but my self control has been hanging by a thread for some time, now."
"But… but… you… I…" Real smooth.
"Since Esme and I have been apart for these past couple of months, it's only been more and more difficult to resist you; one thing less to stop me. But you deserve so much better than to have some dirty old man lusting after you like that. You have Edward. The last thing you need is to have his father falling for you."
"Did you just say…"
"I'm sorry, Bella." He said, looking down. "I've really tried to keep all this from you. But I couldn't let you think I turned you down because you aren't worthy and I feared that would be your reaction. Edward has just been so asinine about this whole thing and I… I hate what it's done to you."
Cupping my face in his cool, comforting hands, he used his thumbs to wipe away my tears. He left his hands there, and as he spoke again his ice cold touch burned like a fire within me. "Look at you. You're stunning, you're smart, loyal, beautiful, you're everything a woman should be, and you're so sexy, Isabella. And he's got you feeling like…"
"Carlisle?" I interrupted his anger with a voice barely rising above a whisper. "You think I'm sexy?"
"Isabella," he murmured, shuffling even closer. He brushed away a stray lock, his hand lingering in my thick hair, his other still on my face. "You are the most incredibly sexy creature ever to have walked this earth."
"Carlisle…" I whispered. Leaning forward, I brought my lips to his, letting them brush faintly across the cool stone. I lingered there for a moment, waited for him to pull away, but he didn't. He made no move to take things further and no move to stop me.
When I finally pulled back, his eyes were closed, and I could almost feel the way he was soaking me in. He really did think I was sexy; he did want me, and that thought made me bold. My heart raced and my breathing came more quickly and as I heard his breathing hitch I knew he was anticipating what he knew would come as he listened to the way my body was responding to him.
"Carlisle," I whispered, my warm breathing mingling with his cool "I want you… and not just because of Edward…" It's make it or break it time, Bella… You have to tell him the truth. "I don't want Edward, Carlisle. I've always wanted it to be you."
His lips crashed into mine with a force and fury that made my knees weak; it might have knocked me off my feet if he hadn't been holding onto me. Clutching him tightly, I held on for dear life as I kissed him back.
I poured every bit of longing, passion, and sexual tension I had for him into that kiss. This wasn't like kissing Edward. There was nothing gentle or hesitant about it. Our tongues didn't battle for dominance, but moved smoothly together. The lust and fervor of the kiss gave way to a different feeling as his cool tongue rolled slowly around mine. Was that – love? No, it can't be. It's… I'm just feeling what I want to feel. He couldn't possibly…
"Isabella…" he whispered, pulling back only far enough to gaze into my eyes; his were black with lust and burning with a fiery blaze of longing, lust, and passion. "I think it only fair to tell you before things go any further that… I am in love with you. I've loved you from the first moment I saw you and I will love you until the moment I cease to exist."
Shocked into silence, I simply looked at him in wonder and surprise. I had loved him from the moment I first saw him. My instantaneous love and devotion for him paled the puppy love I'd had for Edward to nothingness, but he was so far out of my league it was ridiculous. Even if that hadn't been the case, he'd been married.
Knowing I'd never have him, I'd been determined to force myself to go on, and as Edward began to make advances, I'd allowed myself to be carried into a relationship with him. It had always been hard on me to see Carlisle on a regular basis, especially with Esme, but I'd learned to accept things the way they were.
I did love Edward, in my way, but it was nothing compared to the absolute love and adoration I felt for Carlisle, and now Carlisle stood before me, his hand wound into my hair, the other still lingering on my cheek, panting for unnecessary breath - declaring his undying love for me.
"Bella, I understand that you probably don't feel the same way; that you could never feel that for me, but I only thought it fair to tell you everything before you made a decision to take things any further with me." Huh? It took my mind a moment to catch up to his meaning – the words were so foreign to me.
As soon as the meaning reached through the fog, I found myself stunned, unable to speak. He thought I didn't want him. How was that possible? There was nothing else I wanted in the world. I love you, Carlisle. There's no one else but you.
Unable to speak, I did the only other thing I could: wrapping my arms around him, I wound my hands into his soft, blonde hair, pressed my body against him until there was not an inch of space between us, and poured every unspoken word trapped within me into a kiss that lit the world on fire.
His startled hesitation was quickly overcome the moment our tongues met. The heat rising within me was almost painful and I couldn't get enough of his cool body on mine. Grasping the hem of my shirt, I pulled it hurriedly over my head, barely breaking the kiss.
Understanding my need, he had his own shirt unbuttoned and on the floor almost instantaneously and as I lifted the T-shirt underneath I gasped at his astounding beauty. He was fit, strong, young looking; I had expected all of that. He was a vampire, after all, and I had undressed him with my eyes more often than I'd care to admit, even to myself, but to see it in real life… Wow.
His body was absolutely glorious. I didn't know why he would ever cover up something so breathtaking with anything as mundane and useless as clothes. It sounded like a bad word now. As my eyes raised to take in his expression my heart stopped at the sexy smirk I found waiting for me.
Never before had I seen such a gesture from him. It was young, cocky, gorgeous. He was the father figure, the responsible one. He was the doctor. But now, he was just a young, really hot guy I was about to fuck until I couldn't fuck anymore.
My hands were all over him as he pressed me into the desk hard enough it would leave a bruise. I was glad he wasn't going to go easy on me. I had had enough of careful and I needed this – now. My bra was off before I knew he'd touched it and as he pulled me into him, wrapping me in his cool, secure strength, I shivered against him, though not from the cold of his icy touch.
I grasped at the strong muscles of his arms, shoulders, chest, and back, letting my hands glide along the satin skin. Moaning with pleasure, he leaned down, burying his face in my shoulder.
"Bella…" he groaned against me, and I trembled as his cold breath washed over my heated skin. "You have no idea what you do to me." He was wrong, though. I knew exactly what I did to him; the evidence of it was pressed against me. "You take away every bit of self control I have." He wasn't talking about bloodlust, either; the thought thrilled me beyond belief.
He was mine, now. I had been dreaming about him since the day I met him, but this wasn't fantasy - it was real. Letting my fingers trail excruciatingly slowly down his defined abs, I tucked them into the waistband of his dark slacks, marveling at their contrast with his white skin.
"I hope so." I told him, seductively. Unbuttoning and then unzipping them, I watched his eyes shift from burning with sweet torture… to anticipation… and as I slid my hand into his boxers, gliding along the length of him… gratified relief.
"Carlisle," I breathed against his shoulder, trailing my mouth along his chest and down to his stomach "I need you." As I reached his waist, I slid his pants down, his boxers along with them, trailing my fingernails down his perfect ass - and he let me. His head fell back with an audible groan as I took him in my mouth and I couldn't help the moan that escaped me as I savored the cool, sweet taste.
"Isabella…" he whispered devoutly, and I grazed my teeth up the length before swirling my tongue around the head once… twice. Plunging deeply, I earned another groan; this one louder than the last, and I reached down to massage his balls with one hand, stroking the rest of his cock with the other.
I'd have begged if I had to, but he didn't fight me. Winding his fingers into my thick mane, he began guiding me against him. His cock was so sweet, cool, smooth – glorious in my mouth, and I moaned against it again and again as he set the pace. I loved the feeling of his hands in my hair, clutching desperately and begging for more.
"Christ… Isabella…" he groaned as I continued sucking him. I released his cock and balls, reaching around behind him and grabbing his ass and squeezing tightly so I could get him even deeper within me. "Mmmm… So warm…" he chanted. "So good… Oh, God… Isabella…" I could feel the way his lips wrapped around my name like a soft caress and I knew that he had been telling the truth – he had been dreaming of me, too.
When he came in my mouth he called out my name and I nearly came with him. I could hear his intense pleasure in his shaky voice, could feel it in his tight grip on my hair and the tension in his body. He tasted sweet – better than the richest, most delicious dessert, and I knew I'd be doing this again soon.
As I sucked him slowly, bringing him down from the waves of his orgasm, I looked up at him to see him watching me.
"Isabella, you are so exquisite." He murmured affectionately, stroking my hair with a feather touch. "So beautiful." He continued. When he reached down to help me up, I took his hand. After he pulled me to my feet, he kept it, bringing it to his lips before lowering it again.
Roughly grabbing my hips, he lifted me onto his desk, kissing me forcefully. Leaning back onto my hands as he began to kiss down my neck, I somehow managed to land my hand on a thumbtack.
"Ouch!" I squeaked at the slight pinch. Drawing my hand up to examine it, I saw a single drop of blood forming on my palm. "Oh… Sorry. I'll ju-" I began, but I was cut off as Carlisle pressed his cool finger to my lips.
"It's alright, Bella." He told me. "You have nothing to fear from me." Taking my hand in both of his, he brought it to his nose, inhaling deeply and turning his head side to side to savor the scent.
"Yours really is the most appealing scent I've ever had the privilege to experience." He said, softly. He brought my hand to his delicious mouth, drawing his tongue up the length of my entire palm before placing a gentle kiss on the injured place.
"And yours is certainly the most appealing I've ever had occasion to taste."
Watching the way he savored the taste of my blood was erotic. I shiver of excitement went through me at the thought of his tasting me.
"Carlisle…" I whispered, catching the wild gleam in his eyes as he looked up at me. "Take more." My voice was barely audible, but he'd have heard me. "Taste me, Carlisle." He didn't respond; he only looked at me with an untamed expression that shocked me to the core. Heat flooded through me as adrenaline mingled with desire, all of it making its way to the spot between my legs where I wanted him the most.
Running my eyes across the desk, I spotted a very sharp pair of scissors. Grasping them in my hand, I pressed the sharp blade onto the skin of my wrist and slid it slowly across. I was amazed at how easily the blade sliced into me and how little it hurt. The blood began to flow freely the moment the blade left my skin and never before had the sight of blood turned me on so much.
Looking up at Carlisle's face, my knees went weak at the expression I found there. This vampire before me was the sexiest being ever to have lived. The effect he had on me was intensified as he brought my wrist to his mouth. His eyes never left mine as he wrapped his cool, full lips around the wound, drawing the blood slowly so it wouldn't hurt.
I knew that he could easily kill me. All it would take is one instant for him to lose control and I'd be dead. With his feral eyes blazing into mine, his mouth on my wrist, hands wrapped tightly around my arm and hand, and with that brutally sexy look of satisfaction and pure ecstasy on his breathtaking face, I couldn't find it in myself to care.
"Christ… Carlisle, you've no idea how good that feels." His tongue swirling patterns against my skin, warm despite his cool, was the most erotic thing I'd ever experienced before. Taking one last taste, he pulled away, placing one soft kiss there before lowering me back onto the desk.
My pants and panties were off before I could take a breath at the shock of the movement, and he was kissing his way down to my arm to my shoulder, up my neck and down to my collarbone, down to my breasts. He sucked each nipple into his mouth, flitting his tongue against them fast and hard, eliciting moans from me each time.
Working his way down further, he kissed my stomach, my navel, my thighs, and finally… finally… my clit. I came unglued the moment his cool tongue touched it. He had me nearly there at the mere thought of his mouth on me and by the time I felt him there I was cumming wildly and screaming out his name.
"Fuck… Carlisle…" I panted as the spasms eased "That was… intense." Placing a kiss just above my pubic bone, he smiled at me – the most amazing smile – before he once again lowered his head to me. He traced his cold, wet tongue from bottom to top, licking up the moisture there before he returned to my clit again.
As his tongue swirled gently, his fingers traced a path down my entire body, making me shiver. I gasped as he slid one into me, slowly pumping it in and out as I let myself relax against it. Focusing on the pleasure of his mouth on my sensitive clit, I allowed him to stretch me gently, inserting a second, and then a third finger.
The intense pressure within me built more and more pleasure as his efforts continued and when he turned his hand slightly, curling his fingers toward the front, sucking my clit into his mouth and kissing it greedily with his tongue, I screamed as the world exploded into a billion tiny fragments of rapture sending tingles through my entire body.
"Mmmm… Bella, you taste so good." He mumbled against me, running his tongue along me as if to memorize the taste.
"Make love to me, Carlisle." I whispered, breathlessly.
"No." he said. I looked at his eyes and they were every bit as serious as his tone had been. Stepping back away from me, he circled the desk, sitting in his chair as I watched him, dumbfounded. "Isabella, I'm in love with you, but I have no desire to make love to you – I want to fuck you."
Gesturing to me to come to him, he continued "More specifically, I want you to fuck me."
Sliding off the desk with more grace than I usually possess, I stalked over to him like a huntress stalking her prey. He wanted me to fuck him? I'd been dreaming of this since the moment we met. Yes, I'd fuck him. As I reached him, I stood between his legs. He reached around to grab my ass, kissing my stomach, and I threw my head back and moaned.
I never ceased to marvel at the smooth, coolness of his touch. Climbing onto his lap, I straddled him, capturing his mouth with mine. I bit his lip and he growled his pleasure and squeezed my ass a little harder. My hands wound into his hair in a desperate struggle to get closer to him, but I couldn't get close enough. Well, I could remedy that.
Lifting my hips, I wriggled until he was at my entrance, unwilling to let go of him to use my hands for the purpose. Slowly, I lowered myself onto him until I felt resistance. It took a little time to relax enough to settle onto him, but when he reached down, fondling my clit gently, I melted around him and suddenly couldn't get enough of him.
Raising myself until he was almost completely withdrawn from me, I whimpered at the loss, however temporary. With a particularly fierce swirl of his fingers around my clit that was matched by a mimic of his tongue in my mouth, he shot a flash of fire through me and I slammed down onto him.
It didn't take long to adjust to him and recover from the mild pinch of pain it caused; it had been nothing compared to the pain I had imagined and I smiled at the fact that I didn't need to worry about the possibility of there being blood.
Before I knew it I was rocking my hips against his, settling into a regular rhythm as I rode him like a mechanical bull in slow motion.
"Mmm… Carlisle…" I moaned as he kissed his way up my neck, taking my earlobe into his mouth. The resultant growl in my ear had me shivering with desire for him. "Mmm… You feel sooo good…"
"Bella…" he groaned against me, echoing my tone and my need. Running his hands down my slender waist, he settled them on my hips, helping me increase the pace without wearing myself out. Our speed and intensity increased until I was slamming against him so hard I could hear my flesh smacking against his and I could feel the bruises beginning to form.
"Oh fuck! Carlisle!" I called out as he continued pounding into me. The sounds had increased along with our breathing and a sheen of sweat covered my body. "Oh!"
"Shit, Bella…" he grumbled "God, you feel so good…" Grabbing my head in his hands, he pulled me up to face him. "Bella, look at me." he commanded, and I forced my eyes open, desperate to obey him and needing to see his lust blackened eyes. "Come with me." he panted; breathless.
The universe exploded in a flash of ecstasy as he came inside of me; my body spasming around him. As our mutual climax waned, I collapsed against his chest, tucking my head onto his shoulder and gasping for air.
"God…" I panted, huskily "Why did we wait so long to do that?"
"Isabella..." came is breathless reply "That was so…."
"Yeah… It was…"
I remained draped across his chest until our breathing slowed before kissing my way up to his ear.
"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you." He replied. His voice was ardent; emotional. I pulled back to look at him.
"I love you." He said again. Seeing my concern, he added "It's okay, Bella. It's just… I never thought I could be with you."
I leaned forward, kissing him tenderly. "I never thought I could be with you." Kissing him again, a though occurred to me. "Make me a vampire, Carlisle." I pleaded. "We'll tell the others and we can be together forever."
"Isabella," he said softly; sweetly "there is nothing in this world I want more."
Well? Do we like???