The greatest conquests of man are elusive. They are obtained through blood and tears, iron and sweat. They are the fruit of sweltering effort, children born from impassioned acts and the strategies behind them. This was why Light Yagami, genius extraordinaire, spared no mental or physical expense to obtain his sweet, sought-after relief.

"Has Raito-kun tried the Ez-Lax?" L inquired, wrinkling his nose and jingling at the chain between the two. Light was sitting on the toilet, crouched, face twisted in misery. A few grunts passed vibrated from his throat.

"Yes," he whined. "I tried magnesium oxide tablets. I've tried stimulants. I've tried fiber, I've tried water. It just isn't coming out…."

Light put his face in his hands. His cheeks were flushed with pink, whether from embarrassment or strain, L did not know.

"Raito-kun has just spent 30 minutes in the restroom. This is his plan to delay the investigation. His chances of being Kira has increased 5%" L declared, staring at the boy on the toilet. From his eagle eye perspective, he had an eagle eye view of the boy's shiny hair. "If Raito-kun's bowel movements are truly shy, I propose we forgo it for today and move on."

Groaning, Light extended a leg, attempting to kick L in the shins. L hopped out of reach.

"Pervert! Stop staring at me! I don't want to be constipated on purpose. Didn't you know that everybody in Japan is constipated? It's part of the culture." Light sobbed dryly, inhaled deeply, and gave another futile push. "I have to get it out today. I've been holding it in for four days, Ryuuzaki. FOUR!!! It hurts and it's interfering with my mood and though process."

L made a point to stare closer at Light, whose pants were down and had more private parts exposed. Light noticed this and, keening, placed his hands in front of his body.

With a grin, L put his finger up to his lips. "This is nature's way of saying that Light should be uke. If you hadn't been so adamant about being seme, I would've been able to loosen that canal for you..."

Light's cheeks flushed an even brighter shade of pink. "No, no, no, no, no!," he cried. "No, just no! Shut up Ryuuzaki!" Light made another desperate push. "Go away!! Be quiet and let me do my business--I can't concentrate like this!"

L's grin grew even wider. "No, no, Raito-kun. I would be happy to help you with your problem." He approached the boy, twiddled his fingers, and softly traced a line down Light's back.

Light screamed and reflexively slapped Ryuuzaki in the shoulder.

"It's all your fault!! You should've invested in bidets in this building! Get away, get away!!"

"Now now, Raito-kun. This is not time to be playing the blame game. I am more than happy to help you." With the tips of his fingers, L drew a circle on the brunet's neck. With his other hand, he tickled Light's stomach.

Light just about fainted. In the course of five seconds, he stood up, punched L in the face, and zipped his khakis.

A few hours later, Soichiro recommended that Light go out and take a walk in the building as he looked quite restless in his chair. Soichiro didn't think it'd be much trouble—L seemed like he was in a good mood that day, although there was that strange reddening on his left cheek.

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A/N: I've always wondered why there are so many toilet references in anime. After a bit of research, this fanfic was born. This is the first complete fanfic I've written in 7 years. I've always adored the Death Note fandom, so this is my contribution. Cheers.