I've wanted to do a DW goes to College thing when I noticed the severe lack of a funny one on this site. I did a DW goes to High School thing when I was younger… but now I'm in college so the DWs are coming along for the ride. :]
Also, to explain Ling Tong's Paula Abdul thing; in DW5, his retreat thing was "If I'm gonna retreat, I might as well be honest about it", but in Orochi 1 and 2, it was changed to "If I'm gonna retreat, I might as well be straight-up about it". Paula has a song called "Straight-Up" XD
Anyway, enough of my author blabbing, enjoy the story! :)
"You make me weeeeeep… I wanna die… Just when… You say we'd try… Lovin'~ touuuuchin'~ squeeeeeeeezin'~ Each otherrrrrr…"
"When I'm aloooone… all by myself… you're out… with someone ellllse~~ Lovin'~ touuuuchin'~ squeeeeeeeezin'~ Each otherrrrrr…"
No, that's not Steve Perry singing "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" in the passenger window of that beat-up crappy looking '97 Chevy Camaro (it was red, not to be confused with the Autobot Camaro of the 2007 film Transformers fame) but it might as well be.
In fact, it might be better.
"You're teaaaaaarin' me apaaaaaart, every every daaaay, You're tearing me apart… Oh whaaat can IIIIII say, You're tearing me apaaaaart…"
"Ning, can you PLEASE stop singing? Please!"
"It won't be long yeah~ Til you're alooooone When your looooo—oooo—vver~ Oh he hasn't come home~ Cause he's lovin, touchin, squeezin Another…"
"Ning, seriously, shut up! People are giving us weird looks!"
The Camaro inched along the length of Interstate 275. The 5 o'clock traffic was terrible; not only was the driver of the Camaro kicking himself for leaving so late, he was about to make his shotgun passenger walk the rest of the way home!
Either that, or throw the iPod out the window; but that iPod was a Christmas present, Ning was going out the window before it did.
"He's tearing you apaaaaaaart! Oh, every every daaaaaaaaaa—yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! He's tearing you apart Oh girl what can you say Cause he's lovin touchin anotherrrrrrr And it's your turn girl to cryyyyyyyyyy!"
"I hate it when you point to me during that part! Dammit, Ning!"
"Do you ever stop bitching!" Ning complained, finally, shooting his best friend a dirty look before pointing to his other best friend in the backseat, "Take it away, Ce~"
"NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~" Ce was terribly tone-deaf, but if Ning didn't give him a part of the song to sing, he'd whine (or worse, sing along!) and Ning couldn't have that.
"NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"
"I mean it, I'm gonna make both of you walk home!" Tong threatened, "Seriously, I used to like this song, shut up!
"NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"
"I'M THE DRIVER OF THIS CAR AND IF YOU TWO DON'T SHUT UP—"
"NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"
Tong hit his head on the steering wheel furiously. "I HATE THE BOTH OF YOU!"
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK. His forehead hit the steering wheel (which had a metal Chevy logo in the middle of it) not only giving Tong a plus-sign shaped mark on his forehead but also pissing off every car in the two-mile radius.
It was also apparently "drive your convertible on the Interstate" day, and people were not being very shy about voicing their opinions.
"Hey, screw you, pretty boy!"
"Lay off the horn, fruity!"
"Why don't you go highlight your hair some more and get off the horn!"
"What's the matter, your boyfriends not giving you any!"
"Holy hell that guy sounded like Steve Perry!"
Ning grinned and waved out the window. So did oblivious Ce (who might sound like Steve Perry when Steve Perry was eating something particularly disgusting and trying to fight down his gag reflex, but otherwise, the likeness ended).
"I HATE ALL OF YOU!" Tong shouted, furiously, about to drive off the side of the interstate and risk breaking every limb in his body. "I've got a fucking test to study for!"
"Then study!" Ce said, "s'not like we're goin' anywhere! Oi, Ning, put on "Don't Stop Believin', will ya?"
Tong started hitting his head on the steering wheel again.
"Ugggh… arrrghh… aaaaahhhh… ARRRRRRRGH…"
"Very good!" the on-screen trainer said. "You've unlocked enough points for a new fitness exercise!"
21-year-old Ning stood back up to his full height. He stared at the TV screen in outrage. "ONLY 42 POINTS!" he shouted. "Stupid Wii Fit! Go to hell!"
"!" Tong screamed from the kitchen.
Ning jumped three feet into the air and hopped off the Wii Fit board. "WHAT!" he shouted, running into the kitchen and seeing his roommate.
"WHAT IS THAT!" 20-year-old Tong shouted, pointing inside the fridge.
Ning looked in the fridge. Aside from a few rancid looking sandwiches, nothing looked too out of place. "What?"
"THAT!" Tong yelled, pointing at the box on the bottom shelf.
Ning scratched his head. "That's a thing of Bud Light. Did you drop your contacts in the toilet again?"
"NO! Get that outta there!" Tong yelled. "We're already on probation because the damn R.A. caught us with booze in here!"
Ning scowled. "Stop yelling at me!"
"Then get rid of it!" Tong ordered.
"You're not my mother! I don't have to listen to you!"
Meanwhile, during this entire scene, 21-year-old Ce was seated at the table, silently picking through the groceries. He smiled at a box of Frosted Flakes, and began to fix himself a bowl of cereal while watching the scene play out. Neither Tong or Ning had noticed him.
Tong scowled, stomped over towards the oven, grabbed a pair of oven mitts, and went back over to the fridge, pulling the box of beer out.
"What're you doing?" Ning asked suspiciously. "What's with the oven mitts?"
"I don't want MY fingerprints on the evidence!" Tong replied, keeping his arms outstretched as though the beer was toxic. "See ya!" he shouted, tossing the box out the open window.
THUNK. "OW!" yelled a voice outside from the quad.
"HOLY SHIT! IT'S RAINING BEER! HALLELUJAH!" shouted another.
Ning screamed bloody murder and very nearly jumped out the window after the booze. "NO!" he shouted. "COME BACK!" Very angrily, he reared on Tong. "You jackass! How would you like it if I threw your Paula Abdul CDs out the window!"
Tong folded his arms. "I told ya to get rid of it! And besides, I hid them! That threat isn't gonna work on me anymore!"
"You ass! You're getting off on this, aren't you!" Ning hollered. "FINE! I'll just go get more!" He stomped off. "And I'm gonna find those fucking CDs, Tong! Sleep with your stupid eyes open!"
"Nice oven mitts, Tong!" Ce commented.
Tong screamed in fright and fell over. "What the hell are you doing in here!" he shouted. "I told you I didn't want to see your face for the rest of the day!"
Ce made a face. "Well, hello to you too!"
"Oh whatever! How the hell did you get in here?" Tong asked, throwing the oven mitts back over onto the stove top. "And where do you get off eating my food?"
"Picked the lock," Ce replied easily. "Hey, we've known each other since we were little kids! What's some cereal between brothers?"
"I am not your brother!" Tong said haughtily.
"You will be when you marry Shang Xiang," Ce answered cheerfully.
"I will NEVER marry Shang Xiang!" Tong complained.
Ce made a face, mentally crossing 'freeload off rich doctor brother-in-law forever' off his life plan.
Tong thought for a moment. "Well, that's Ning's cereal anyway, so I don't care. Eat all you want."
"That's the spirit," Ce said cheerfully, raising his spoon in a salute. "So what's the deal with the booze?"
Tong scowled. "I told that stupid ass to keep his contraband garbage outta our fridge. If he's gonna have it, fine, but I'm not getting blamed for it!"
Ce nodded. "Yeah. Like when Yu had that overdue library book. I ratted his ass out, I wasn't taking the hit for THAT—"
"Overdue library books are like 10 cents!" Tong said, staring at him. "You've never checked out a library book before?"
"Never been in a library," Ce replied. He thought for a second. "No, that's not right… I had to pee one time, so I used the library." He beamed. "Closest toilet in the tri-state area. Couldn't be avoided."
Tong rolled his eyes. "How do you avoid setting yourself on fire?"
Ce opened his mouth to reply, but an anguished scream of terror interrupted him. "The hell was that?"
They both got up to look out the window. Tong groaned.
"You stupid freeloaders! Get your filthy hands off my booze!" Ning shouted from outside. "GAN NING KICK!"
"ARRRRGH!" shouted one of the previous voices from before. "AAAAAAAHHH! YUAN!"
"Holy shit—Dun, what the hell happened to your eye!"
"Forget about me! Save the booze!"
"But you're—bleeding, dude!"
"NEITHER OF YOU BEER HOGGING BASTARDS ARE GETTING AWAY ALIVE!" Ning shouted.
"I'm going to stab him to death in his sleep," Tong grumbled.
"I can see how that can be misconstructed as sexual innuendo," Ce commented through a mouthful of cereal.
Tong glared at him.
"What about this one?"
With a groan, 19-year-old Shang Xiang glanced up from her magazine. "It's great," she muttered, looking back down again.
"You didn't even look!" 19-year-old Da whined. "Shang Xiang, I'm going out with your brother tomorrow night, the least you can do is tell me what he likes!"
"Wear nothing. That's what my brother likes," Shang Xiang said, setting her magazine down. "Da, he's just going to be looking at your rack all night, I don't see what you see in him—"
"Who, Ce? Stupid sis got to him first," 18-year-old Xiao complained.
"What do you mean "got to him first"?" Da asked her sister.
Xiao made a face. "Well, if he met ME first, he'd like me better! Everyone does! Besides, Ce's hot!"
Shang Xiang coughed. "Ew! This is my brother we're talking about!"
Da just giggled dreamily and held up a different red blouse up. "How does this look?"
"THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME! Sheesh!" Shang Xiang grumbled.
"Hey, Jackass, give me a ride to work," Ning grumbled the next morning.
Tong glared at him. "I'll drop you off the nearest cliff! What're you in such a bad mood for?"
"What do you THINK? Those Xiahou bonehead brothers took off with my booze, I had to chase after them all night and get it back!" Ning snapped. "I'm 21 now, I can have my beer without getting in trouble!"
"I CAN'T!" Tong shouted. "I'm still 20, REMEMBER!"
"And it's MY fault your mother didn't pop you out a year earlier!" Ning demanded.
"I TOLD YOU ALREADY! Just keep it in your room!" Tong said angrily. "We're already on probation, jackass!"
"Not MEEEEEE," Ning sang annoyingly.
Tong fought down the urge to smack him.
"Morning, guys," Ce said, coming into the kitchen. "Mmm, whatcha cookin', Tong?"
"Nothing for you!" Tong said haughtily. "Or you!" he added, noticing Ning's face light up with joy.
Ning scowled. "And to think I was about to forgive you!"
"Forgive me for WHAT! Not breaking the law!" Tong demanded. "I bailed you out of jail once before, I'm not doing it again!"
Ce came over and poked a strip of bacon on the skillet. "Geez! It's raw! Put some heat on those suckers, Tong! I'm hungry!" he complained.
"How the hell do you keep getting in here!" Tong asked.
"I already told you. I picked the lock," Ce replied. "Tong, you have to go to work today, right? Give me a ride!"
"Ce, why do YOU need a ride!" Tong asked. "Your truck is nicer than my car is!"
"Everything's nicer than your stupid Camaro is," Ning laughed. Tong threw an oven mitt at him.
"It's not stupid! Stop making fun of my car!"
"I'm not! I'm just saying it's a piece of crap!" Ning said defensively.
"It's not a piece of crap!" Tong said angrily.
"Does it turn into an Autobot?" Ning asked.
"Has Megan Fox had her boobs all over it?"
"Then it's a piece of crap!"
Tong glared at him, before giving up and glaring over at Ce. "What do you need a ride for anyway?"
"Well, you see, Da wants me to take her to some fancy restaurant tonight, but I don't have enough money to take her out and to pay the towing company to give my truck back," Ce explained.
"Your truck got towed again? Holy shit, Ce, are you going for a world record?" Tong asked.
"No, I was gonna be late so I had to park in some blue spot," Ce complained, "Apparently nobody told me that circle thing meant Handicapped?"
"You know what I don't get?" Ning asked, "How come handicapped people get a special parking spot? They have wheelchairs! We don't!"
"Ce, just tell them you're mentally disabled and you'll get out of it," Tong said, rolling his eyes.
"I already tried that! They looked me up and threatened to fine me for lying! Apparently it's a felony to lie about a mental disability?" Ce shrugged, munching on a piece of raw bacon. "Folks do it at Adventure Archipelago all the time… EW! Tong, this is raw!" He put it back on the skillet.
"Yeah. It's COOKING, hence the whole 'sitting in a skillet' thing," Tong pointed out. "Why don't you go HOME and eat your own food?"
"Don't listen to him! He likes pissing on people's happy parties," Ning shouted.
"Yeah, Tong, are you gonna throw ME out the window?" Ce taunted. "Gonna use those purdy oven mitts?"
The door to the kitchen swung open again, this time opening the way for the youngest of the Suns, a much more welcome sight than the eldest. "Morning, guys!" Shang Xiang said cheerfully. "Hey, Tong, is that bacon?"
"Yeah, but it's still—"
Shang Xiang plucked a piece of bacon off the skillet. "Ew! It's raw!" she whined. "You trying to kill me, Tong?"
"Nobody listens to me!" Tong complained.
"Boo hoo," Ning called. "Hey, Shang Xiang!"
Shang Xiang grinned at him, and turned towards her brother. "YOU!" she shouted, stomping towards him and grabbing his throat, "I have YOU to thank for me not getting any sleep last night!"
"AAAAH! Shang Xiang get off!" Ce yelled, prying his sister's hands away. "Geez! What'd I do now!"
"Stupid Da kept blabbing about WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO WEAR TONIGHT! She kept me up all night!" Shang Xiang said, her hands on her hips. "Who cares anyway? Seriously, when you guys go out with girls, do you even notice what she's wearing?"
"No," Ning, Tong, and Ce replied in unison.
"Speaking of what you're wearing," Ce interrupted, eying his sister's clothes, "Where the hell do YOU think you're going dressed like that, missy?"
Shang Xiang scowled, looking down at the red halter top and khaki short-shorts she was wearing. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing! And when did you turn into Daddy?"
"What's wrong with it? Every time you raise your arms, your stomach shows!" Ce complained. "And those shorts are too short! Go change!"
"Absolutely not," Shang Xiang protested. "Tong, do I look trashy?"
"No~," Tong replied innocently. Ning chuckled.
"See?" Shang Xiang folded her arms. "Tong wouldn't lie to me! Besides, it's like a million degrees outside!"
Ce rolled his eyes. "Nobody ever listens to me!"
"Yeah, good riddance," Tong laughed. He shot Ce a dirty look. "You want a ride, fine. But I'm not picking you up, I've got a test today and I haven't studied!"
"Just do what I do," Ning said, "Fail, and tape a $20 to the back of the scantron~"
Tong looked down at the contents of the frying pan. "I wonder if the burning oil in this thing is enough to kill me."
That's it for the first chapter! More characters will be added with every chapter.
Tell me what you think, reviews and ideas and whatever else are welcome and appreciated!