Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. If I did, Emily and JJ would be having sex every week, and there would be no crawdaddy!
First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry I haven't updated in so long. My muse kind of went on holiday with this story, and then I got other story ideas that just had to be written, but I think I am back on track. Fingers crossed!
I want to thank Darkbard0, for kissing my ass, helping me with this, and for being an awesome girlfriend. Thank you baby!
x x x
Slowly opening her eyes, Emily quickly turned over and switched off the alarm that was blaring out. She didn't want to wake JJ up, and set it again to wake her wife up later. Squinting, she took in the time, and saw that it had just gone 6.30; she had an hour before she was meeting up with Jordan.
She wasn't sure why she had agreed to go and see her, after everything that her ex girlfriend had put her through. But a small part of her wanted to hear what she had to say, just for that bit of closure she still needed. She just wanted to know why Jordan had done it. Had it been her fault?
Placing a quick kiss on JJ's naked shoulder, she removed her arm from around the blonde's waist, and quietly slipped out of their bed. Being as discrete as possible, she walked to the bathroom and had a quick shower before coming back to the bedroom and getting dressed quickly, still aware of not wanting to wake up JJ. She hadn't been sleeping all that great with the pregnancy, so Emily wanted to leave her to sleep for as long as possible.
Looking down at her wife, and seeing how peaceful she looked, she debated whether she should stay with her, or go and meet with her ex girlfriend. If it had been anyone else she would have stayed, but this was Jordan, and it was something that had been on her mind for years. She had to do it, for her own peace of mind. And also, she had to think about work. They would be working with each other for a few months, so they had to put their personal issues behind them and still manage to work professionally. They couldn't afford to have tension, for the sake of the team and the victims.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on JJ's forehead. The media liaison slowly opened her eyes, looking up to meet brown ones, before closing them again and snuggling in to the pillow.
"Hmm...What's going on baby?"
JJ asked, her eyes still closed as Emily ran her hand through the blonde's hair, caressing her cheek with her thumb.
"Nothing, go back to sleep, you have another hour or so before you have to get up."
Shifting on to her back, JJ opened her eyes a little and covered the hand on her cheek with her own, entwining their fingers.
The blonde asked sleepily, and Emily wished again that she was staying with this gorgeous woman, rather than having to go out. She hated lying to JJ, her Jennifer, but this was something that needed to be sorted out just her and Jordan. And maybe in time, the right moment would come up and she would be able to tell her wife who her maternity replacement really was.
"Yeah, I want to clear my files so I don't have to stay behind tonight."
Leaning forward, Emily placed a small kiss on JJ's nose, before pulling back and watching as JJ scrunched her nose up.
"You're adorable when you're half asleep."
Emily whispers sincerely, before she is swatted away by JJ.
"I am not! Go away!"
JJ said, as Emily let out a small laugh. She couldn't believe how she had gotten so lucky, as to have this beautiful woman, not just in her life, but who she was married to. Sometimes she felt like pinching herself just to make sure it was real and she wasn't dreaming.
"I'm going, I'm going! See you at work beautiful."
The brunette said, as JJ snuggled back in to the bed, grabbing hold of Emily's pillow and curling herself around it. She mumbled something that Emily could only just make out, as JJ was already slipping back to sleep.
"You're beautiful. I love you, Em."
"I love you too, Jennifer."
Placing a kiss on JJ's temple, Emily stood up and walked to the door. As she got there, she turned around, and a small smile spread across her face as JJ had already fallen back to sleep. Leaving the love of her life, she walked out of their home and headed out in to the early morning sun.
All sorts of thoughts ran through her head, as she drove to the diner where she was due to meet Jordan. With not much traffic around as it was just before the rush hour, Emily just enjoyed humming along to the music on the radio, wondering what Jordan was going to say. What JJ would say if she found out. That was something she could not guess as JJ's hormones were all over the place. She would probably be angry at first, but with time she would slowly come around. Well, that was what Emily hoped. She still wasn't sure if she should tell her wife or not, it wasn't like JJ and Jordan were going to be working together, after all.
Pulling in to the diner parking lot, she turned off the ignition before stepping out of the car. Looking in to the diner, she could see Jordan sitting at a window seat and she took a deep breath before approaching the door. Walking silently and with a cautious look, she approached the booth where Jordan was sat, and slipped in to the opposite side.
The two women stared at each other for a few minutes, neither of the saying anything before Jordan broke the silence.
"Thank you for meeting me. "
Emily just looked at her ex-girlfriend questioningly, seeing why she had been drawn to Jordan in the first place. The first time they had met, which was through mutual friends, they had immediately hit it off. She had been immediately struck by how beautiful Jordan was. And the more she had gotten to know her, the closer they had gotten, she had found that she was just as beautiful on the inside as well.
"To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm here."
Emily said, as Jordan reached across the table and grabbed hold of her hand. A little bit shocked, the profiler didn't immediately take her hand away.
"It's good that you are."
The moment was interrupted by the waitress clearing her throat, and Emily quickly pulled her hand away, slightly ashamed that she hadn't done it sooner. Avoiding the gaze of Jordan, she turned to the waitress.
"Want some coffee, honey?"
The older blonde lady asked, and all Emily wanted to do at that moment was run, get out of there and go back to JJ. But she had gone there for answers, and she was determined to get them. She just had to be careful that she didn't let her guard down again.
"Please, thank you."
An awkward silence fell as the waitress filled up her mug, but Emily could feel the eyes of Jordan on her. The brunette almost let out a sigh of relief, as the waitress broke the tension.
"Ready to order breakfast?"
Emily shook her head.
"I'm fine, thanks."
The waitress nodded, and walked away, leaving Emily and Jordan alone once again. Turning to meet her ex's gaze, she tried to think of something to say, figure out the questions she wanted to ask first but Jordan beat her to it.
"You should eat something."
Emily let out an angry sigh. Jordan had done too much to her to be able to care about her now. She didn't have the right to. The profiler didn't even like it back when they were together, when Jordan would go on about her eating habits. She was a grown woman, for god's sake. She could make her own mind up whether she wanted to eat or not, or whether she should. And it wasn't just the eating; she hated being told what to do by partners anyway. It's one of the things she loved about JJ, she cared, but mostly allowed her to do her own thing.
"Don't tell me what to do, you don't have the right."
Taking a sip of her coffee, she thought back to the time they had together. She had loved Jordan with a passion, would have done anything for her, she had thought she was the one. She couldn't deny that seeing her again had brought up old feelings, but she had JJ. She had never felt anything for anyone, like she did for Jennifer, and Jordan wasn't going to come along and ruin that.
"You never were one for breakfast, or being looked after."
Emily let out a sigh, looking up to meet matching brown eyes, an intense anger in her own.
Another silence fell between them, and Emily took another sip of her coffee. Getting sick of beating around the bush, it was Emily's turn to break the silence, wanting the get it out of the way, so she could go to work and see her wife.
"What did you want to talk about Jordan?"
Startled by the bluntness of Emily's question, it took Jordan a minute or two before she answered.
"Us. Us at work specifically. I took the presumption that no one knew, that's why I acted like we didn't know each other."
"Yeah. I mean…you're right, they don't."
And it was true, they didn't know about Jordan. Before she had joined the BAU, and had met JJ, she had been very private about her personal life, wanting to keep it away from work. And she hadn't wanted to bring up the past when things had started to get intimate between herself and JJ, so Jordan had never come up. And besides, she hadn't wanted to bring her up, not after the hurt she had caused her, and not when she had started to move on.
"Do they know about you?"
Jordan asked, and Emily answered almost immediately.
At first it had been hard, wanting to stay private but also wanting to be a part of the team. She didn't know what to say about herself, but JJ was the first one she had opened up to, and she was relieved when it hadn't become an issue. In time she had told of the rest of the team, and they had immediately been accepting of her, not judging her at all. And Emily was forever grateful to have a team like that around her.
"You…you don't talk about me?"
"Why would I?"
Emily snapped back, and the brunette almost took it back when she saw the hurt flash across her ex's face. But she didn't, after all she deserved every bit of it.
"We were together for 3 years Emily. You gave me a ring. We had a life."
The profiler couldn't stop the scoff that came from her lips. Yeah, they had had a life, but Jordan had ruined it all.
"Apparently our life included you fucking someone else in our bed, didn't it?"
Jordan whispered, and Emily shook her head angrily. The temporary liaison had no right to make her feel guilty, and Emily was determined not to be made to be.
"Oh, don't even play it that way Jordan."
"I made a mistake, Em. I'm human, just like you."
"Not just like me. I never cheated on you, and trust me when I tell you there were times I could have."
She wasn't lying, there were times she had almost been tempted if she was honest with herself. There were times when she found herself needing her girlfriend, but because of the distance she had no chance. And it wasn't like she didn't have her admirers, both men and women. If she had wanted to, she could have got with any of them and Jordan would never have found out. But she wasn't that type of person, she wasn't a cheater. For her, trust and love were the two main things in any relationship, and if you didn't have one of them then there wasn't really any chance of the relationship surviving.
"Why didn't you?"
"Because I loved you! You were enough for me. I didn't need anyone else but you! I obviously wasn't enough for you, was I?"
"Please don't say that."
Jordan pleaded, and Emily met her gaze, not wavering.
"Why? It's true."
"It wasn't you, I swear it wasn't. You've always been enough."
"Funny way of showing it."
Emily muttered, finally breaking eye contact with her ex. They were delving in to the past, but Emily wasn't happy with what she was hearing. She still didn't have the answers she wanted.
"Please Emily, you have to believe me. I was just…I was a fool, okay? You're so beautiful, and wonderful, and intelligent. The way you used to look at me, the things you used to do, they literally meant the world to me. It was like nothing else existed but me, you made me feel so special."
"Then why did you betray me?"
"I just…I got so confused. So scared."
"Scared? Of what?"
The brunette looked back up, a little surprised by the answer that had come from Jordan's lips. She didn't know why anyone would ever be scared of her.
"You really have no idea how amazing you are, do you? How perfect? You're just…god Emily I can't even explain it but you're just so high above everything. You glow, you make the world disappear. I was scared because I didn't know how to hold on to you when you were so obviously better than me. And I ended up betraying you. And I'm so, so sorry."
Emily could feel the blush that was rising up her neck. She never did think much of herself, and she always got embarrassed when someone else complimented her. Growing up she had rarely got them from her mother, so she never saw what other people saw.
"I'm not perfect, Jordan. I'm not above anyone. I'm just me; you should have talked to me. We could have talked about it and maybe saved ourselves the hurt."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"It's a little late for apologies now, isn't it? We're stuck working together for the next while, and I don't want any of this interfering."
She didn't want tension between them, knowing that if there was, then it would affect the whole team. And that was something they couldn't afford to have, not with the job they had.
"I'm not going to lie, I'm going to find it hard to work with out and not have a personal connection."
Jordan admitted, and Emily shook her head softly.
"Well you'll have to get used to it."
"Will I? Emily, we were so great together. Those 3 years were amazing, we both know that. We shared everything. We could again."
Emily almost asked her to repeat what she had said, not quite believing that Jordan had the nerve to suggest what she thought she was suggesting. A lot had happened in the three years they had been apart, JJ being the main one.
"Maybe this is just what we needed. Maybe its fate. I think about you every day."
"What're you saying Jordan?"
"I'm saying that I want us to try again. I can earn your trust back I know it. I've changed Emily. And I still love you. I'm still in love with you. I want to be with you."
The profiler's eyes widened in shock, and she repeated what had just been said over and over in her head. She couldn't believe it, and she struggled to find the right words that she wanted to say to her ex.
"I…jesus Jordan…I don't…I can't…"
"Please, just think about it? Em I miss you every day. It hurts every second we're apart, even after this long. I don't think we're supposed to live without each other."
Again Jordan reached across the table for Emily's hand, but this time the brunette immediately pulled back, JJ's face flashing in her mind. Needing to put this end, she decided that now was the time to be honest with Jordan and herself.
"Maybe you can't live without me but I can live without you."
She watched, as Jordan put her hands back down on her lap, looking in disbelief at Emily.
"You heard me. You're unbelievable, you know that? Everything is about what you feel, what you need, what you want. You haven't even stopped and asked me what I feel, what I want. And you've missed the blindingly obvious."
Standing up, Emily stood up and thrust out her left hand, making sure that Jordan could see her wedding ring clearly.
"I'm married Jordan. I'm already in love, but not with you. I have a life, a happy one. You did me a favour, sleeping with someone else. If you hadn't I would never have found the woman I'm supposed to be with. That's not you. I don't think about you, I think about her. Her, and our baby."
Emily watched as Jordan's face went to one of shocked, until finally she could see that her ex had caught on to who she was talking about.
"She's my everything. My wife and my son are my everything. I was broken when I met her and she fixed me. JJ made me whole. She's my soul mate. See, so there is no us. There's JJ and me. You're only here while she has our baby, then you leave. That's all it is Jordan. "
Taking a last sip of her coffee, Emily turned around and headed back out, but a voice stopped her for just a minute.
Jordan pleaded, but Emily ignored her, needing to see her wife, and she briskly walked out. Walking away from her past, and towards her future.
x x x
I know I probably don't deserve reviews, but I would love to hear what you think. Was it good, bad, just plain horrible? Reviews are like chocolate to me :)