Author's Note: While re-watching the DBZ series, I noticed that they waste a lot of time on the show. I mean, a LOT. Over half the series is filler.
So I just thought it'd be fun to write a fanfic where the characters are conscious of the fact that they're wasting time.
Goku and the Z Fighters gathered at the arena for the Cell Games.
"You look worried, Goku," Krillin said. "What's wrong?"
"Cell is our strongest enemy yet," Goku said. "We haven't even started fighting him yet, and he's already wasted six episodes!"
"I know," Krillin said. "Frieza was only able to waste two! That makes Cell three times more powerful than Frieza! Maybe he's too strong for us to beat!"
"We have to try," Goku said. "I'll have to fight at my hardest when I fight him!"
"Fighting at your hardest could be problematic," Piccolo warned. "We've still got an entire season of episodes ahead of us, so you can't finish off Cell too quickly."
"How do I do that?" Goku asked.
"Fight him for an entire episode. Then, at the very end, the two of you can say that you were just 'toying with each other' or 'warming up' or something like that."
"And all of you will overreact when you hear this news, right?" Goku grinned.
"Are you kidding?" Yamcha asked. "I've been taking acting lessons for the past six months just for this moment! Overreacting to every little thing that happens in a battle is what I do best!"
"I mean, it's not like we're going to fight," Tien agreed. "There's really nothing better for us to do."
Goku grinned. "You guys are the best. With seven of you here, it takes half a minute to go through what each of you say. If we can do the 'see how everyone reacts to something' trick ten times an episode, we're in good shape."
"All right," Cell said. "Let's begin. Goku, I will fight you first."
"Come on, Goku," Krillin said.
"You can do it, Dad," Gohan said.
"You're the best!" Yamcha
"We believe in you," Piccolo said.
"Cell doesn't stand a chance!" Trunks said.
"Beat him, Kakarot," Vegeta said.
Goku got into fighting stance and grinned at Cell. "Are you ready?"
"I'm ready whenever you are," Cell grinned.
"Goku doesn't look worried at all!" Krillin said.
"That's my father," Gohan said.
"He's a real pro," Tien said.
"No doubt," Yamcha agreed.
"Fight him, Goku!" Piccolo said.
"You're our only chance!" Trunks said.
"Hmmph," Vegeta said.
Goku lunged towards Cell. Cell dodged to the left, avoiding his fist, but Goku managed to kick him upside the head.
"Way to go!" Krillin said.
"That's the way to do it!" Gohan said.
"Give it to him," Tien said.
"If Goku hit me like that, I wouldn't get up for a week," Yamcha said.
"Keep it up, Goku," Piccolo said.
"He's going to destroy Cell!" Trunks said.
"Why am I always last?" Vegeta complained. "I can never think of anything to say, because you morons always beat me to all the good lines!"
"Sorry, Vegeta," Krillin said. "But it's tough for the writers to come up with seven different near-identical sentences for us to say!"
"I refuse to sit here and be Kakarot's cheerleader!" Vegeta insisted. "Let somebody else waste time for a change!"
"But who?" Trunks asked. "I don't think we can do that! If only there was some filler character whose sole purpose was to take up a few minutes of each episode with pointless babbling...!"
And in steps Hercule.
"Hecule! Hercule! Hercule!" everyone around the world cheers.
"I am going to defeat Cell with my own two hands!" Hercule bragged. "I am the greatest fighter the world has ever seen! Raha hahahahaha ha! Rahahahah! Ha ha ahahhhahahahaha! Haaaaa! Hahahahaha! Yeah!"
"I liked cheering for Kakarot better," Vegeta sneered.
"Me too," Piccolo agreed. "Let's have somebody else besides that idiot waste time for a while."
The show then switched places to Kami's Lookout. Not that anything important was happening at Kami's Lookout, of course, but the show decided you absolutely have to see how Corin ahd Yajirobe are reacting to the situation with Cell.
Corin looked down. "Oh, my. Cell is very strong. I'm not sure if Goku can beat him."
"Was it really necessary for the audience to see your reaction?" Yajirobe wondered.
"Shut up," Corin said. "If it wasn't for times like this, we'd never get any screen time at all."
Meanwhile, the battle between Cell and Goku was raging. Goku hit Cell in his weird yellow ear thingy, and Cell smashed Goku into the ground.
That means it was time for...a grunting sequence!
"Grrrr..." Vegetra grunted.
"Rrrrgh! Rrrgh!" Piccolo grunted.
"Hwuah wah ha!" Krillin grunted.
"Hraugh! Wuah!" Tien grunted.
"Grauh! Raurgh!" Yamcha grunted.
"Awwuah!" Trunks gasped.
"Grrrrrr! Rrrrrr! ARGHRHRAHARGH!" Vegeta bellowed.
Everyone clapped at Vegeta's impressive grunting skills. Even Cell stopped fighting for a moment, and he looked at Vegeta, impressed. Of course, as a villain, Cell had to do extended evil laughs, not shocked grunting, but he could still appreciate talent when he saw it.
Back on King Kai's planet, King Kai was watching the battle between Goku and Cell.
"This is going to be a tough battle for Goku," King Kai said to himself.
...And that was his only contribution to the episode.
Meanwhile, the Z Fighters got together in a group huddle and decided to switch things up with a fake victory celebration.
"We're doing a fake victory celebration!" Krillin told Goku. "Make it look like you've killed Cell!"
"Right!" Goku said. "You ready, Cell?"
"I'm ready when you are," Cell grinned.
So Goku smashed Cell into the ground really hard, creating a crater.
"All right! He's not getting up!" Krillin cheered.
"Way to go, Goku! It's over! Woo hoo! Yeah!" Yamcha cheered.
"You did it, Dad! You beat Cell!" Gohan said.
"The world is saved! The world is saved! The world is saved!" the Z Fighters sang.
Everyone cheered and breathed a large sigh of relief. Then, two minutes later, when they ran out of celebratory things to say, Cell took everyone by total surprise and jumped back up.
"Oh no!" Krillin said. "He's not dead! It's not over!"
"Oh, man! It looked like Goku won, but he didn't really beat his opponent! That's never happened before!" Yamcha said.
"That happens every time Goku gets in a fight," Tien complained.
"Hey, shut up, Tien!" Yamcha said.
"Yeah, you're ruining the fight!" Krillin said.
"Sorry," Tien said. "Let's do the exact same thing again, except this time, we make it look like Goku was killed, not Cell."
"Sounds like a plan!" Yamcha agreed.
Meanwhile, at Kame House, Master Roshi was sensing the battle from far away.
"This is going to be a tough battle for Goku," Master Roshi said.
...Which is the exact same thing King Kai said, but nobody noticed.
Back at the Cell Games, Piccolo was talking on his cell phone with Dende. "Yeah, there's no way I'll be back in time for dinner," he said. "Beating Cell is going to take at least ten more episodes. You and Mr. Popo should order a pizza or something."
"Can't I just use to dragon balls to wish that Cell was destroyed or something like that?" Dende asked.
"No, Dende! We have to milk the Cell storyline for all it's worth! Don't you dare think about using the dragon balls to help us stop him!"
Meanwhile, the show had run out of "wise martial arts experts who can sense the battle from afar" after showing Corrin, Master Roshi and King Kai, so they decided to show the President of the Earth, a blue talking dog.
"The army is ready to attack Cell again, sir," a military man said.
"I won't have any more people die in vain," the President of the Earth said.
"Let's face it—we knew the Earth was in for tough times when they elected a dog as their President. I mean, a talking dog?! Give me a break! I know this is a show where people can fly and summon magical dragons, but talking dogs is where I draw the line."
Then, Goku and Cell stopped fighting and just stared at each other dramatically for five minutes.
The fight resumed after that.
Vegeta closed his eyes. Once again, the time had come for him to have an extended flashback sequence.
Kakarot... Vegeta narrated. I remember the first time I fought you...
Then, they played an old clip from Season One, where the Saiyans came to destroy the Earth. It was in the episode where Goku shows up to fight Nappa and Vegeta.
"So, you're Goku?" Vegeta asked. "I've been waiting for you!"
This is going to be a tough fight! Goku thought to himself. These guys are even tougher than Raditz!
Then, they played an old clip from the episode where Raditz was killed.
Wait a minute! Vegeta narrated. We can't have a flashback inside a flashback! That's too confusing!
"Ha...ha!" Raditz laughed. "You may have killed me, but two more Saiyans are coming here. And they're...even stronger than me!"
"What? Even stronger than you?" Goku asked. "That's not possible! You're really strong!"
Then, they played an old clip from an even earlier episode, showing Goku fighting Raditz.
I've never faced an opponent like him before! Goku thought. This guy is really tough!
ARGH! Vegeta screamed. We can't have a flashback in a flashback in a flashback! Why does this show have so many flashbacks??
Of course, I should have known he'd be tough, Goku thought. When he first showed up...
NO MORE FLASHBACKS! Vegeta yelled.
Speaking of things that happened earlier, by this time, the show writers had run out of characters to show. So they decided to reuse characters from Dragon Ball.
"Huh?" Launch asked. "Why the hell am I on the show again?"
Launch sneezed and turned into her blue-haired self.
"Yay! I'm on the show again! That's great!"
And then they totally abandoned Launch and never showed her on the show ever again.
"That's it, Cell!" Goku said. "I give up!"
"What? You give up? But the fight isn't over yet! I still have plenty more time-wasting tricks up my sleeve! Like...an extended monologue! And I was planning on repeating the Saibamen trick by making seven tiny copies of myself!"
"I'm sorry, but this is way too boring," Goku said. "There's too much filler on this show! I could skip a week of episodes and not miss anything."
"And what are you going to do about it?" Cell asked.
"I'm going to end this!" Goku said.
So Goku grabbed Cell and performed an Instant Transmission to move towards the sun. When he got close enough, he threw Cell at the sun. Cell was completely destroyed.
"That was easy," Goku said. "I should have done that when Cell first showed up."