"Hell no."

"Hidan-"

"Forget it! Nothing short of Jashin himself commanding me-"

"Will you shut up and listen?!"

Kakuzu and Hidan were currently in their shared room, going over the details of their latest assignment. It was to be an infiltration and assassination mission; something normally left to Kisame and Itachi. However, the afore mentioned duo was already away on assignment, and thus the job had to be delegated to someone else. Due to a combination of poor luck and a (rigged) coin toss, the assignment was given to the miser and masochist.

After going over the details, Kakuzu determined that the best way to get to their target would involve utilizing his lust. So, they had two options; hire a prostitute, or have Hidan use the sexy no jutsu to make himself a female.

Guess which one the miser picked.

"Just pick up a whore!" Hidan begged. "You could kill the bitch afterwards and get your money back then!"

"Too much work," Kakuzu reasoned.

The zealot hmmphed angrily and sat down on their shared bed, his arms crossed and eyes averted. "Bastard; whoring me out for some mission…"

Kakuzu raised a brow. "Is that why you're upset?"

"Take a guess, dumbass."

The banker sighed and reached out to his partner, his fingers settling in the Jashinist's silver hair as he sat on the bed. "Hidan, I'm asking you to seduce him, not sleep with him. The bastard's going to die before he even touches you."

The masochist shot his partner a wary look. "Promise?"

Kakuzu nodded and ruffled the zealot's hair in a loving manner. "Yes. I'll even torture him a bit, if you like."

Hidan chuckled and moved closer to his partner. Once in range, he yanked down the banker's mask and gave the male a quick kiss. "How sweet of you."

"Do we have a deal?"

Hidan sighed and nodded. "Fine. But you own me big for this, dumbass."

Kakuzu hummed in acceptance of his fate. "Let's see your transformation."

"Erm…now?"

"No, some time next week would be lovely," Kakuzu sarcastically stated.

"Tch, don't get your Jashin-damned panties in a knot," Hidan growled as he stood. The zealot made the appropriate hand signs, and then froze. He shot his partner a nervous look, clearly uncomfortable doing this. Kakuzu had always preferred having a male Hidan writhing beneath him in bed, and as such the Jashinist had never seen any reason to try this jutsu before. There was no telling what kind of results they'd get. "Here goes," he muttered before a cloud of smoke engulfed him.

When the smoke dissipated, Kakuzu was reduced to a wide-eyed stare. His partner stood before him, opened cloak barely covering the small breasts now in place on Hidan's chest. The zealot's already slim waist now had definite curves to it, also nicely exposed by the unbuttoned cloak. Silver hair now hung down to Hidan's shoulder blades, and his face had a distinctly feminine look to it. "Well?" the zealot asked in a higher-pitched voice than what was normal for Hidan.

"…You look like a little girl."

"Oh fuck you, dumbass!" Hidan screamed. Tragically, the female voice and the hand he placed on his hip ruined the insult, and only succeeded in making the banker smirk.

"Then again, our target's supposedly a pedophile, so this could be a good thing," Kakuzu reasoned. Nodding to himself, the banker got off the bed and went to his bag that he'd set near the foot of their mattress. The older male rummaged through its contents until finally coming across his target. With a triumphant aura, he extracted what appeared to be a bundle of clothing from within his pack. "What? You need something to change into," he explained upon seeing the Jashinist's questioning look.

"Why?"

"Hidan, you are a female. You can't go around without a shirt on!"

"Why the hell not?"

Kakuzu sighed and thrust the clothing into his partner's unwilling hands. "Just get changed."

Hidan let out an indignant hmmph, and then disappeared into the hotel room's bathroom. There was no way he was undressing in front of his partner. If Kakuzu saw his naked female anatomy, he'd never hear the end of it.

However, when he had taken the time to give his new outfit a thorough once-over, Hidan threw the bathroom door wide open and stuck his head out to shout at his partner. "What the hell is this?!"

"What?"

"Don't give me that, asshole!" Hidan held the skirt out for the miser to see at arm's length, as though the wretched piece of clothing were something particularly foul. "This 'skirt' is so short it barely even covers my ass! I'm not wearing it, damnit. And don't get me started on that slutty corset…"

"Would you prefer to go to our target with nothing on?"

"…"

"Oh, and nice rack. Could you have made them any smaller?"

Hidan swore loudly and slammed the door, making Kakuzu chuckle. He probably wasn't going to get any for a while, but it had been worth it to see the look on Hidan's face.

--

Hidan frowned as he looked around the room. Techno beats were being played over the speakers, and dancers in the center of the room were swaying and thrashing to the music, their movements a clear expression of sexual desire. Various men were seated around the tables haphazardly strewn around the room, gaggles of females surrounding the men. A few other, less notable males were seated on couches and cushions with only one or two women dangling off their arms, more focused on showing off their lovely companions than the table persons, who were simply trying to score.

Kakuzu didn't even seem to notice these features; instead, he made a beeline for a vacant couch and took his seat, forcing Hidan to obediently sit at his feet like the good sex slave the zealot was pretending to be.

Hidan rested his body against the banker's leg, nervously tugging on his skirt as he did so. He was going to be so happy to return to wearing his pants after this…but that could wait. For now, he had to act sexy. The masochist grinned. Payback was sweet.

Smiling coyly, the Jashinist began to sensually rub against the banker's leg, letting out soft moans of want as he moved. Kakuzu stiffened; this wasn't part of the plan.

If Hidan noticed his partner's discomfort, he chose to ignore it. Delicate fingers slid up Kakuzu's leg, teasingly rubbing the flesh of the banker's inner thigh. "Kakuzu sama," he breathed airily, chancing a look up at his partner's unmasked face.

The miser swore that he would find some way to kill Hidan for this. The innocent, longing look on the masochist's face with an evil glint in those magenta eyes nearly caused him to snap and blow their cover. Fortunately for them both, Kakuzu's eyes caught sight of their target then; or rather, their target eyeing Hidan.

With the utmost restraint, Kakuzu resigned himself to cover Hidan's mouth with his hand in order to stifle the noises coming from his partner's mouth. "Settle," he ordered.

Hidan, however, had no desire to obey his partner's command. Rather, he opened his mouth and took in one of the banker's fingers, eyes drooping slightly as he sucked on the digit.

Kakuzu hurriedly extracted the finger from Hidan's mouth and was about to give the zealot a few choice words when he heard a laugh. He looked up to see their target leering over them, eyes practically raping Hidan. "My my, she's rather ill-behaved isn't she?" he chuckled.

Hidan felt his face heat up at the words; he hadn't meant for anyone else to see his little show. Quickly the masochist buried his face in Kakuzu's leg, only making the newcomer laugh again. "Ah, and a bit shy as well."

"She's young," Kakuzu justified as his hand came to rest on the top of Hidan's head. "I'm quite certain she'll grow out of it. Until then…"

"Enjoy it," the male finished with a sinister smirk. "And what's the little dear's name?"

"This is Hime," the banker replied.

Hidan stiffened. "Oh HELL no. He didn't just call me-"

"Hime, say hello."

Praying to Jashin for a quick demise, Hidan turned to look up at the pervert. "Hello, Mr.…?"

"Takashi," the man replied, even more aroused by the light, gentle sound of Hidan's voice.

"Hello, Mr. Takashi," Hidan repeated with a fake smile.

"Such a dear," Takashi muttered to himself. His eyes then looked to Kakuzu, and gave the man a broad smile. "I do hope the two of you will be able to stay for a while-"

"Actually, we have to leave," Kakuzu interjected. "Our hotel's in the next town over, and if we want to get there-"

"Nonsense! I can't allow you to let such a…darling creature go out so late." Takashi smiled as he was struck by an idea. "How about this? I'll call the hotel and cancel your reservation, and the two of you can spend the night here."

Kakuzu inwardly grinned. Phase two was complete. "We wouldn't want to be a bother. Besides, we'd owe you for the room." His eyes darted to Hidan, then back to Takashi knowingly. "Perhaps there is some way I can repay you?"

You could practically see the lecher's mental victory dance. "Oh, I think little Hime would definitely be able to reimburse me for the hospitality."

Kakuzu nodded in acceptance. "Once these other guests leave."

"But of course," Takashi agreed before wandering off to mingle with the other guests.

Kakuzu grinned after the man. He'd fallen hook, line and sinker. "Kuzu." The miser looked down at the sound of his nickname.

Hidan was looking at the floor, arms wrapped tightly around his partner's leg. An anxious look decorated his face as he clung to his partner. Kakuzu was quick to move his hand from the masochist's head to his cheek, and rubbed the soft skin in a comforting manner. "It's just an act, Hidan."

"I know. But-"

"I already told you, nothing's going to happen. I'll kill him first."

"And torture him," Hidan reminded the banker.

Kakuzu smirked. "And torture him."

--

The miser held true to his words. Takashi had barely even leaned in for a kiss when Kakuzu appeared, quickly slashing through the male's larynx so his screams wouldn't be heard. After Hidan had had the pleasure of mutilating his cock (with the aid of a few dozen senbon needles) Kakuzu disemboweled their target. Job complete, the duo began their trek home.

"Damn, it feels good to be a guy again!" Hidan declared as he walked into the Akatsuki base.

"So you've said," Kakuzu muttered in reply. The masochist hadn't shut up during the entire trip home, and the banker was getting quite sick of his partner's talking.

As they walked into the living room, Kakuzu caught sight of Sasori on the couch, calmly reading a book. "Oi, Sasori."

The redhead looked up as a wad of clothing came flying through the air, effortlessly catching the articles with one hand. "Thanks for lending me the clothes," Kakuzu stated.

Sasori nodded, and then turned his head to look over his shoulder into the kitchen. "Deidara, I found your skirt!"

Kakuzu and Hidan watched as the blonde came flying into the room, jumping over the back of the couch to land in Sasori's lap and then straddling the puppeteer. "Where was it, un?" the bomber eagerly inquired.

"Between the couch cushions," the Akasuna lied as he gave the clothes to his blonde.

Deidara squealed in delight and hugged the puppet master tightly. "Thank you Sasori danna," he cooed lovingly.

Sasori smirked and wrapped his arms tightly around the blonde's waist. "Why don't you show danna how thankful you are and dress up a bit for him, hmm?"

The blonde laughed wickedly and soon closed the already miniscule gap between the two of them. "Anything for you, danna, un," he promised before kissing his lover.

"Let's go, before this turns X-rated," Kakuzu ordered as he dragged his partner out of the room.

"Dude, you borrowed blondie's skirt?!"

"What, did you think I'd actually pay for one when Sasori had a perfectly useable outfit lying around?"

"Do you have any idea what the hell they've done with Deidara in that Jashin-damned thing?!"

"No, but another look inside the living room should answer your question."

"No. Sex. For. A. Month."

"…"

--

A.N. for those of you who don't get it, hime=princess.