Hello, readers! I know this may seem like the movie knocked up, but it is no way intentional. I have not seen the movie so I don't know what is and what isn't like it. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!! Oh, and I have quotes for each chapter!
Disclaimer: I don't own any Twi characters, but I do own Rose. It all belongs to SM
Quote: That's why you use a condom and the pill. Guys are just not responsible, you can't blame them, it's just their nature.
-Anna Finch (1987-
Hotter Than a Baby on a Frying Pan!
"And you said we wouldn't have any fun!" Alice scoffed from next to me on the barstool. I arched my eyebrow and gave a skeptical look.
"Yeah, sitting in a club on a Friday night while sweaty guys rub them selves against me," I scooted away from the obese man next to me. "What a blast."
"Come on! Lets dance!" She yelled and towed me into the crowd. Alice started jumping around and flailing her limbs around.
"Since when did spazzing out qualify as dancing?" I yelled over the music and laughed when she scowled at me.
"Alright, since you seem to be the Dance champ here, lets see what you've got." She challenged, raising her eyebrows up and down. I rolled my eyes and started to back away. "Holly…Dang!" Alice suddenly exclaimed, staring with impossibly wide eyes at something behind me. I turned to see a very attractive guy leaning on the bar, talking to some blond bimbo.
"Holly Dang, indeed." I murmured as he laughed something she said, running a hand through his bronze locks. Alice swallowed loudly and practically floated over to them.
"Umm, hi." Alice said with a smile that would make a puppy cry.
"Hey." The guy said, arching an eyebrow.
"I'm sorry, but I swear I know you from some where!" She said, tapping her chin like it was a huge mystery.
"Doubtful, I just moved here from Chicago." He said, shrugging his perfect, broad shoulders. Yummy.
"That's it! I used to live in Chicago!" B-ull-shit. "Oh, you're name is at the tip of my tongue!" She rubbed her temples and squinted her eyes. He smiled and helped her out.
"Ed-" He started, coaxing her along with his hands.
"Edward?" Lucky guess.
"Yeah." He smiled again and I had to remind my self to breath.
"Look, we were just in the middle of something, so, if you would excuse us." The blonde said, pursing her glossy pink lips and glaring at Alice.
"Excuse you." Alice smiled and turned to Edward again. "Anyway, when did you move here-" The blonde gave Alice a shove.
"I said, we were in the middle of something." She snapped. Alice narrowed her eyes and crouched slightly.
"Oh, you'll be sorry for that, bitch!" She snarled and raised her fist to punch her.
"OKAY!" I yelled, grabbing Alice's fist from behind. "That's enough." I started to pull her away.
"But-but-but…" Slice struggled in my grasp.
"Sorry, she's had more than enough to drink tonight." I grunted, trying to contain the little ball of furry. Edward looked up at me, noticing me for the first time. He had green eyes. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
"Here, I'll help you with that." He said, pushing the blonde out of the way to help me escort Alice outside.
"I'll tear you apart!" Alice screeched before the doors closed behind us.
"I'm calling you a cab." I growled under my breath.
"You're not coming?" She smiled wickedly.
"No, I'm gonna spend some time with your boy candy. Ha." I said smugly, sticking my tongue out at her. To my surprise she laughed and jumped up and down in excitement.
"Yay! Bella's getting laid!" She yelled out. Loudly
"Shhh! I never said that." I whispered sternly.
"Oh, come on. You know you want to. He's hotter than a baby in a frying pan!" She squealed and stole a glance at Edward as he waited patiently for me by the door.
"Hotter than a baby in a frying pan? You really are drunk." I sighed and took out my phone, calling a cab.
"Go talk to him!" She whispered and shoved me towards the B-E-A-utiful man. I grumbled profanities under my breath as I approached him.
"Uh…hi." I shifted nervously as he turned his emerald gaze to me. "Sorry about that, I probably ruined your date."
"Don't worry, she was annoying any way. You seem a lot more interesting." He smiled slyly. Brain. Brain? Where are you, Brain?
"Uh…. I…. umm…" I stumbled for words as his smile got wider and wider. He probably thought I was mentally disabled or something.
Well, you're acting like it!
"Bye, Bells!" Alice yelled before diving into a cab. I shook my head and tisked at her.
"Wanna get a drink?" He asked, eyeing my chest conspicuously. He won't find much there.
"Oh, what the hell." I sighed and fallowed him inside. Loud music was still thumping around us, matching the rhythm of my heart.
"Gin and tonic." He told the bartender before turning to face me.
"Same." I murmured and took a deep breath.
"So, What's your name?" He asked. I smiled and looked down, glancing up at him through my lashes.
"Bella Swan. You?" Though I already knew his name.
"Edward Cullen." He shook my out stretched hand, smiling slyly. "You come here a lot?"
"Not, really. My friend just dragged me along tonight." I shrugged, still smiling.
"I'm glad she brought you." He murmured and I felt heat rush to my face. "Nice meeting you." He added.
"Nice to meet you too." Boy was that an understatement.
3 hours later
Edwards hands snaked up my shirt as he pinned me against the elevator wall, lavishing my neck and chest in open mouth kisses. My fingers gripped his shoulders tightly and I arched my back to press against him. A groan escaped his mouth and my breathing hitched.
We couldn't get down the hall to his apartment fast enough. I was sure to have a bruise on the back of my head in the morning from the way he slammed me into the door as he fumbled to unlock it wile his mouth was still attached to mine. Our tongues danced together in an intoxicating rhythm. He tasted sweet, like a pixie stick.
Thank god I shaved my legs
I vaguely recalled the door slamming behind us as he hooked my legs firmly around his slim waist. His hair was in wild, bronze disarray and his eyes were hooded lustfully, he looked positively delicious. I smiled sexily and bit my swollen lip causing him to moan and dive back in for another kiss. A giggle escaped my lips as we crashed onto a bed, making pillows fly in every direction
"You are so gorgeous." He murmured, tracing my collarbones with the tip of his finger.
"Right back atchya." I said with a wink, receiving a heart retching smile from the god that hovered above me. His long fingers gracefully undid my blouse, exposing my black and pink bra. His eyes widened, as did his grin.
"Me likey." He murmured before showing my exposed cleavage in kisses. I quickly ripped off his shirt, desperate to feel his skin on mine. I was not disappointed. His strong arms wrapped around my waist and I could feel his biceps flexed around my. A subtle six-pack was apparent beneath hard pecs. My mouth literally watered.
"Take it off." I murmured in his ear. He obeyed and unhooked my bra, throwing it off somewhere in the room. His palms almost immediate cupped around my breasts as his mouth found mine again.
"Edward." I murmured into his mouth over and over again. I could feel his hardness rubbing against my thigh and I reached down to yank the mini skirt off, throwing it in the direction of my shirt and bra. I was now lying before him, wearing nothing but a thong. He wouldn't last long. I heard his breath hitch as he took me in.
"Thank you God." He murmured and began kissing down my stomach.
"Edward." I murmured again, threading my fingers in his soft hair. He was at the waistband of my panties now. His tongue flicked out, grazing right along it. "Please!" I moaned, gripping his hair tighter. He slowly pulled away my now soaked thong, running his hands up and down the insides of my thighs and causing me to gasp.
"Bella." He chuckled. "Beautiful." And then he started in on me. His tongue flicked across my clit, asking for entrance and being granted it. I gasped and pulled him closer. I nearly lost it as I felt his fingers slip in as well and begin pumping in and out and a horrifically slow pace.
"Edward." I said in a gasp. Hid fingers finally began stroking my G-spot faster, granting all my wishes for the moment.
"Edward!" I cried as my climax heightened. His reply was to pump faster and rub my clit vigorously. I yelled his name once more as I let go. The orgasm rocketed through my body unlike anything I had ever experienced before, leaving me gasping.
Before he could say anything, I had pulled his mouth back to mine and reached between us to unbuckle his pants. He seamed startled at my urgency but lifted his hips so I could yank his jeans off. I reached my hand into his boxers and stroked his hard length before pulling it out.
He was just about to enter, his eyes glued to mine full of lust, when he growled, "Shit!" And pulled away slightly. "I don't have a condom." He sighed.
"I'm on the pill." I said and then added, "And this will be the first time I don't use a condom." He sighed in relief and went back into position, hovering over me. I pulled him further until his tip was at my entrance.
"So beautiful." He murmured once more before thrusting into me. I gasped wildly and clung to his shoulders as he pounded into me. Hard.
"Edward, Edward, Edward!" I yelped with each of his thrusts.
"Bella…oh god!…this feels so….ungh!" He went impossibly faster and I was suddenly self-conscious if the neighbors could hear the bed pounding into the wall over and over again.
"EDWARD!" I screamed as we both orgasmed at the same time, clinging to each other for dear life. He rested his forehead against the crook of my neck as we came down from our high. "Edward." I whispered. He pulled out and pulled me to rest on his chest under the comforter.
"So beautiful." Was the last thing I heard before I slipped into unconsciousness.
I awoke to warm sunlight on my bareback. It was so warm and comfy in bed. Ah. Silence. Wait…what's that noise? Someone's…breathing?
I looked down to see an arm wrapped around my waist. A very strong, masculine arm. Oh, shit.
I snuck a glance over my shoulder, seeing what I expected. A sleeping Edward. I carefully sat up and looked around the room. There were clothes strewn everywhere! My bra was hanging on the side of a large, salt-water fish tank, one of the cups in the water. Great.
I slipped out of bed and quickly gathered my things, throwing my clothes on as I did.
I should at least leave a note.
I sighed and found a pen. Since I was unable to locate a piece of paper, I used Edwards arm. I wrote as neatly as I could,
Last night was fun. You can call me, or not.
I wrinkled my nose in disappointment at my note. That wasn't cute at all. Hmm. Ah-ha! I reached into my purse and pulled out my lipstick, proceeding to spread a thorough coat on my lips. I carefully lifted his arms and planted a small kiss next to my name, leaving clear lips marks. Now I could only hope he didn't roll over and smear it.
With one last glance I rushed out of his apartment, attempting to ignore the destruction we caused last night.
I was half way down the hall when I saw an old woman struggled with a huge box.
"Damn, delivery service!" She grumbled, trying to lift the box again.
"Do you need some help?" I asked, approaching her carefully.
"Oh. You're the young woman from last night." She said breathlessly, standing to look at me with bright blue eyes.
"What?" I raised an eyebrow in confusion. Was she crazy?
"The one that went home with Edward. You two kept me up all night, you know." She said with a chuckle.
My I blushed profusely and stuttered for words.
"It's okay darling, I just hope you have more sense than to actually like him." She said, eyeing me with her sharp gaze. "Now, how about you give me a hand with this box?" She asked, motioning towards the box. I nodded and bent to pick up the surprisingly heavy box.
She led the way to the elevator, pushing the lobby button with a thin, wrinkled finger.
"I'm Martha, by the way." She smiled genuinely, bringing a smile to my face as well.
"Bella." I said, shaking her small hand. "Bella Swan.
"You're a lovely girl, not like the normal ones he brings home." She shivered in disgust. I laughed at her reaction. I liked her personalities.
When we reached the lobby, Martha said she could handle it from there.
"Thank-you again, Dear." She grunted as she towed the box down a hallway. I waved and smiled, walking into the sharp Seattle air.
Nessie was slumped on the couch when I got home, flipping through a Cosmo.
"Hey." I yawned, walking past her. She grunted in reply. I rolled my eyes and continued into the kitchen, gathering the supplies essential for making a peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter and bread.
"So, you got laid last night?" Nessie asked, shuffling into the kitchen. I almost choked when I heard my little sister use the word, 'laid.' But, I decided to play it cool. Kinda.
"Yes, I had sex." I confirmed proudly.
"So, how was it?" She asked, sitting at the bar. I stood across from her and munched on my sandwich.
"Fan-fucking-tastic." I murmured around a mouth full.
"So he was hot?" She asked. I nodded vigorously. She smirked and smacked me a high five.
"It almost didn't happen though." I said, taking another bite.
"Well, he didn't have any condoms and I almost forgot that I had taken my pill this month." I chuckled. Nessie froze.
"What? He didn't use a condom?" She was turning deathly pale.
"No. But it's okay, I don't think he had any diseases." I said hurriedly, patting her shoulder. She brushed my hand off and hung her head in her hands.
"What's wrong?" I asked, worried.
"Prank gone horribly wrong." She groaned.
"What?" I looked at my sandwich to make sure there were no cockroaches or anything. We were in a fiery prank war and cockroaches wouldn't be surprising. I was startled when I saw tears drip from her cheeks to the counter top. "Nessie! What's wrong? Tell me!" I gasped, leaning towards her to try and look into her eyes.
"I…switched your birth control…" Oh no! "With tic-tacs." The sand witch dropped from my hand, landing with a soft thud on the linoleum.
"What?" I whispered, staring off to a spot behind her, unable to comprehend what was happening. I was vaguely aware of our dog, Jake, licking at the peanut butter on the ground. "What? What? What?" I just kept repeating it, staring off into space as I realized what happened.
Edward and I had vigorous, wild sex. And we had not birth control what's so ever. SHIT!
Authors note: Writing made me feel a lot better! Sorry for the cliffie of sorts. Tell me if you want more.