Author's Notes: First, I have to explain where this came from. I was on LJ when I stumbled on the 100_situations community. Basically, you claim a character, pairing, whatever and have to write 100 fics concerning said claim. Sound masochistic? Insane? Admitting to having no life? Yes to all. So here is the first of 100 situations, number 84 "sex" (I swear, I was going to start with "Son", but Jiraiya wanted to screw with Yondy's head. And I can't say no to Jiraiya.)

As a side note, nothing graphic here, but there are adult situations. The "M" rating is just to safeguard. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, there would be no way to deny that the Valley of End fight was actually hatesex.

"I just can't believe it." Jiraiya rounded on Kushina, raising an eyebrow. "How is it that you're marrying my idiotic student? Your standards have dropped, Kushina-chan."

Minato choked on his sake as Kushina threw her head back and laughed. He took a swing at his sensei's head, which only made Kushina laugh harder. He loved hearing her laugh. She laughed like a man, the peals rolling from deep inside, exploding loudly and shaking her petite frame.

"Sensei, this idiotic student happens to be Hokage, remember?"

Jiraiya aimed a pitying glance at him. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, brat, but you're Hokage because Sarutobi-sensei lost a bet. Otherwise, how could you be Hokage?"

Minato took another swing at Jiraiya. Jiraiya dodged, turning to Kushina again. "Well, if you're going to be married, it's my obligation to warn you about him."

"Sensei," Minato growled in warning as Kushina clasped her hands before her, setting her chin on them. "Warn me? Do tell."

Jiraiya downed another cup of sake. His cheeks were ruddy and his eyes looked a sip away from unfocused. Minato had a bad feeling, which only grew as Jiraiya began speaking. "For the longest time…" he paused dramatically, leaning slightly forward, "I thought he was gay."

Minato's jaw dropped open as Kushina fairly shrieked with laughter.

"No, really." Jiraiya winked at Kushina, oblivious to or ignoring the sudden killing intent his apprentice aimed his way. "When he was fourteen, I took him to a brothel—"

"Sensei," Minato intoned warningly.

"—because I figured that if he was old enough to be a jounin and fight and kill, he should know about the fun side of adulthood too—"

Seeing Kushina's look, one torn between amusement and an emotion Minato could not recognize, Minato kicked his teacher under the table. "Jiraiya-sensei, enough."

"—so then she's all paid up—dammit, brat, that hurt! Don't interrupt me when I'm talking. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Barely ten minutes later, she comes back down complaining that our darling Mina-chan can't—OW!"

"Finish that sentence and I'll Rasengan you into the wall, Ero-sensei." Minato glowered at him.

Massaging the bump his student had given him, Jiraiya glared back. "I'd like to see you try, you little brat."

Jiraiya's eyes widened comically as his student dove at him across the table and began throttling him.

Some time later, after Kushina was forced to become involved and both men backed down in fear of hurting her or the baby, Minato and Kushina waved Jiraiya from the door. They watched him stagger down the steps ("Get your hands off me, brat. I am the great Jiraiya, one of the Sannin, and I can walk myself home.") and out of view.

"Good-for-nothing perverted teacher," Minato complained under his breath. He closed the door with an audible sigh of relief. Kushina snickered.

"Story struck a nerve?"

Minato tried to glare at her, but one glance at her amused face and the gentle rounding of her stomach caused any annoyance to evaporate. He settled for mock glowering at her. "It was a long time ago."

Still giggling, Kushina kissed his nose. "I'll leave you to clean up. I'm exhausted." Yawning, she headed for their room.

As Minato gathered his and Jiraiya's cups of sake and Kushina's tea, he shook his head at his sensei's impropriety. To bring that up again…and in front of Kushina! Calling Jiraiya a variety of epithets he would ensure his son never learned cheered him considerably. The reminder that in five months he and Kushina would have their first child secured his good mood. Whistling, he strode to their bedroom.

"Kushina?" he called quietly as he pushed the door open. Thinking she was already asleep, his eyes turned to the bed to find it empty. In fact, the room was empty. He could not even sense her chakra. Frowning, he stepped further into the room.

The door slid shut.

He reflexively sank into a defensive stance as he faced the figure behind him masking its chakra.

He froze.

The first thought through his head was that Kushina was naked. But while Kushina had a healthy tan, her skin wasn't bronzed. Neither was there a delicate golden embroidering at her neck, which then trailed down her torso…

Minato swallowed.

Kushina sauntered away from the door, her steps purposefully, agonizingly slow. She didn't stop until she was before Minato. Her palms rested on his chest. His hands reflexively rose to close around her waist.

"So-o," she dragged out the word. "Mina-chan was embarrassed when he was fourteen."

Minato groaned. "Kushina—"

"Why?" Her green eyes held his as her hands delved under his shirt.

Minato groaned louder, at her question, the hands tracing the lines of his abs and the lips teasing his earlobe.

"What did she do wrong?"

It wasn't what she did wrong, Minato answered mentally. It was what she wasn't. Her hair was black, not red. Her eyes were brown, not green. Her skin was pale, not golden. She was lanky, not petite. She smelled like cheap perfume and sweat, not wind and grass and sunshine. Before Minato even knew he loved Kushina, his body recognized the differences.

And he had been fourteen and terrified. But he couldn't even admit that to himself under torture.

"She wasn't you," he answered.

Kushina's lips twitched upward. "Liar," she breathed against his lips. "But good answer." Her lips fell against his and, almost growling, Minato picked her up and tossed her onto the bed. He wasn't fourteen anymore. He was twenty-six. And he loved the woman below him and his body had no trouble reacting.

A few hours later, he hugged Kushina to his chest.

"Mmm, Minato?" she muttered, half-asleep.


"Was it that you couldn't get it up or that you couldn't keep it up?"

Minato's eyes shot open.