AN: I only wish I owned Twilight.
I couldn't stop thinking about the night Jacob and I went to the movies with Mike Newton. It was the last day we had before everything went wrong. In one night my best friend had become a werewolf and was forced to abandon me for my own good according to his fearless leader, Sam. Jacob had been my only outlet to the pain I still had for…him. I can't even speak or think his name without cringing even though it has been months since he left. It will be like I never existed, yeah right…tell that to the gaping hole in my heart. Even though Sam said Jacob and I couldn't be friends, that didn't stop me from trying to see him. There was no wolf magic that kept me from Jacob, but Jacob always seemed so torn between anger and gratitude when I was able to get around Sam.
I just couldn't keep the darkness out of my mind without my own personal sun always around. It hurt so badly and I could see it was hurting Charlie to see me this way. The moment Edward left I threw myself into my school work trying to keep myself busy, but all I managed to do was get myself an early graduation. Charlie had made it very clear that all the effort I had been trying to put in to seem like I was functioning had failed miserably. Charlie had threatened to send me to Florida, if I couldn't get it together, so I tried to. That's when I found Jacob; it seemed that I could be more of myself…not quite fixed, but taped back together for short periods of time and that worked for me. But without Jake there was no way to hold back the despair that was brewing in my chest. No matter how hard I squeezed, I just couldn't keep myself in one piece. I was so dispirit to make the pain stop, I decided to try to do some of the things Jake told me we would do together; hoping that I could feel Jacob there in spirit, but something is telling me I won't be able to get rid of the hopelessness…but I have to try.
I drove out to the cliff and thought about how Jacob and I watched his buddies' cliff dive that day in my truck. I was so exhilarated by the thought of jumping that I almost forgot Jake and I went out there to ride our bikes that day. As I stood a few feet from the cliff I was hoping that all of my efforts to put myself near Jacob were breaking him down to believe we could be friends despite Sam. But it was starting to feel like a losing battle. What if Jake didn't want to be friends with me anymore? Maybe he finally realized I was too broken to be fixed and that I could never love him the way I love Edward. Maybe if I could just hear Edward's voice again I could handle a couple more days. That night I went out with Jessica to the movies, haunted me. I had yet to understand why I had heard Edward's voice that night. It is because of the déjà vu feeling I had looking at those men on the street or was I just completely losing it? I didn't know how to answer myself, but I did know I needed to recreate it.
Sitting on the bumper of my truck I told myself, all I need to do is just hear Edward's voice once and I can do this at least one more day and then I can work on a new plan to get Jake back. I took a step forward and leaned over the edge to see what I was getting myself into and that's when I heard his voice. Edward's voice was so soothing to me that even though he was angry, I felt a sense of calm spread over me. Maybe I heard him because, I was about to do something dangerous, which I had stupidly promised not to do, or maybe I really was going crazy. When I leaned away from the cliff Edward's voice began to fade and I panicked. So I took a step back towards the cliff and Edward yelled at me for a blissful thirty seconds. As he started to quiet down again, I didn't think…I just knew I didn't want his voice to stop speaking to me and before I knew what I was doing I rolled up on my toes and jumped! The feel of the wind around me and Edward's voice screaming was like heaven. I was so euphoric when I hit the water, I couldn't move as the cold penetrated my clothes. I got much more than I expected when I jumped…Edwards voice continued to yell at me the whole time I was underwater, that I didn't even want to swim to the surface.
Then the tide started to kick in and dragged me further and further away from the shore. I tried to swim at first, but the current was too strong and with Edward's voice in my head…I decided I didn't want to swim. I completely let go and it felt good. A weight had lifted off my shoulders and I knew I would not have to feel the hole in my chest much longer…until I felt something else. Something warm grabbed my arm and was suddenly pulling me. I knew only one person that could feel that warm…it was Jacob, he had found me and it felt like he was trying to beat the life back into me once we had gotten to shore. I had barely gained consciousness to listen to Jacob scream at me about how stupid it was to go cliff diving with the weather turning into a storm. When I was finally wide eyed at the anger pulsing through the veins in Jacobs face, he thrust me back into my truck and told me to go home. My throat burned and my body ached as I watched Jake walk away from my truck. I sat there, letting the whole scene play back again for a few minutes before I realized I needed to get back before Charlie got home. My truck roared to life as I turned the key and I headed back to my house. I was so consumed with my thoughts that when I reached my house I sat outside for a few minutes before climbing out of my truck. I rushed inside and ran to my room, throwing myself on my bed as the tears began to stream from my eyes. I lay there cold and wet for almost thirty minutes before I heard Charlie's cruiser pull up. I got up from my bed and tried to make myself presentable so I could make Charlie's dinner.
Charlie turned on the TV when he got home and I listened as they reported two more hikers missing. Only three days ago, a different hiker had gone missing who claimed to have seen an enormous wolf in the area. All Jake had told me was that they were supposed to be protectors, not killers so I didn't understand why the wolves would be killing people…unless they got too close when they were angry. I really didn't want to think about Jake and his new brothers as murders, but the fact was that they were monsters now too, kind of like the Cullen's. And the Cullen's didn't exactly have the most perfect record, even though they were good people. I pushed the dreaded thought out of my mind, because the gaping hole in my chest was throbbing just thinking about the Cullen's.
Sadly, Edward's voice was still on my mind and I was starting to run out of ideas for ways to hear him. On nice days, Jake used to take me hiking and I had asked him to help me find a meadow I had once come across. I never told him what the meadow meant to me, but then again he never really asked me how I found it in the first place. He had shown me how to use a compass and made a grid on a map to track our progress, but we hadn't found it before Sam disrupted my friendship with Jake. That evening as I milled around Charlie's house for busy work, I planned to look for the meadow first thing in the morning.
As always, my nightmares woke me up several times during the night, or maybe it was the screaming that really woke me up, either way I hadn't slept decently in months. I have only been a shell of the person I once was and even my friends didn't try to include me in anything anymore at school. By now they realized, there wasn't much life left in me to go out anymore. One of my dreams, however, was different last night. I dreamt about the cliff and how I felt when I entered the water. The tension that lifted from my shoulders when I was drowning was so intriguing. I had not gone up there with the intention of not coming back, but after the deed was done it was so easy to just let go. Charlie and Renee were adults and could theoretically take care of themselves without me. I mean… I wasn't their parent, so it wasn't my duty to take care of them.
I mulled over the idea of death quite easily and if given the chance again I would probably chose it, but I was not about to run to the kitchen to get a knife and off myself. I only told myself that if the opportunity presented itself where I got myself into a situation like that again, it might be easier to just let go instead of struggling. Kind of like, when a person gets hit by a car or something and everyone tells them to keep fighting. If I could just let go like that, then Charlie and Renee would not be hurt as much, but this was all crazy talk. I really needed to just focus on things day by day and not worry about being depressed for the rest of my human existence.
AN: So far I am only laying the ground work for whats to come. I already have some ideas about where this will go, but I love to hear what comes to your minds after reading the summary. What would you think Laurent and Bella might do together if she choses to go with him?