Title: The Failing of Logic
Summary: Logic has failed me; where is the logic of Death? How can losing someone you love be correct? Spock tries to come to terms with losing his mother.
Author's Note: Because I needed to get this out of my system.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek 2009.
Since I lost her I have realised what some things really are – certain emotions that I thought I knew before but it turns out I knew nothing. I want things to go back to the way they used to be when I still had everything. I was afraid of Death then but I could ignore it but now? Now I cannot. I'm being forced to think about it and work through my feelings on it. Answers I thought I had are no longer here. Logic has failed me; where is the logic of Death? How can losing someone you love be correct? The only thing that is left in their place is memories, doubt and mixed up feelings and I know exactly what each of these feelings are.
Shock is when I do not understand what I'm being told and I cannot even begin to find a way to work through this in my head. It is when everything crashes down in my mind so loud that I cannot think and even when people whisper it sounds like they're shouting at me. The weight of it gets heavier when I sit and try to think about it so I just do not think about it.
Pain is when I try to keep breathing despite the claustrophobic ache inside my body. There are so many things I wished I'd said but now I will never have the chance to. The pressure behind my eyes makes it so tempting just to break down and cry. I used to think pain was getting punched in the face by a bully at school but this is a different sort of pain.
Pride is what makes me hold it together and keep trying to carry on and ignore everything inside me. Take a deep breath and tell myself I'm okay. It is when I plaster a passive expression on my face and keep working and pretending it is all right in the hope that it will be all right.
Regret is when I wonder if she will be disappointed in me for not crying and mourning like everyone else. It is when I say something about how I feel and when I think it over I want to take it back because I hate the way it sounds and cannot bear to admit I am hurting so I do not say anything after that.
Anger is when I hate myself for being so "brave" and not letting it get to me. I built a wall and I don't want to let it down. I keep trying to repair it even when it starts to crumble. I see people look at me with worry in their eyes and I do not want them to worry about me but I know their right.
Fear is when even then I cannot cry because I am too afraid to let my guard down. I am too scared to let my feelings show and take control, even for a few moments so I just keep faking.
Confusion is when I cannot even begin to understand what happened because it makes my head hurt. I begin to wonder if there is even a God out there. I feel so alone sometimes and I wonder where she is. Can she hear what I'm trying to say or am I speaking to myself.
Loss is when I do not know where she is because I cannot imagine what there is after death and that fact tears me up inside. I do not want to say this out loud because then it is real and the reality of this is something I cannot face.
Loneliness is when I force myself to carry on in a group of people who do not even know what I am going through. It is when I do not want to talk about it because then my feelings have beaten me but at the same time I want to tell them everything.
Hope is when I want to call her just to see if someone will answer the phone.
Despair is when I cannot even try because I know she will never answer.