A/N: Please blame grtchn and Jules0427 for this madness which they suggested and to MaggieMay14 and flightlessbird11 who encouraged it more than they should. If you have suggestions for a possible outtake... let me know. I very well might consider it.

I don't own twilight... I do own a very dirty mind.

Carlisle POV

"What the hell got into you Esme?" I asked as we piled into a taxi cab with Charlie and Kate as we left the police station and headed towards our hotel downtown. Charlie, bless him, opted to sit up front with the cab driver as I tried to force Esme to drink a bottle of water that Officer Griffey had generously given to me before we left.

"He kissed Bella," she said sadly as I heard Charlie laugh at her slightly from the front seat.

"So that gives you the right to jump on his back, get him in a headlock and then kick him in the penis? He probably won't be able to have children now," I tried to explain to Esme as she simply scoffed and waved her hand haphazardly in front of her, apparently not really giving a shit about the reproductive abilities of Jacob Black.

"He's a little bitch who clearly cannot take an ass whopping from a middle aged woman. Anywhoo… can you believe Emmett knocked up Rosalie again?" she shouted loudly, her voice echoing around the cab as all of us, including our lovely elderly driver wished we could cover our ears.

"Esme, sweetie… keep your voice down."

"Carlisle, you are such a party pooper. When we get back to our hotel room, I can't wait to…" she started to say before Kate cut her off.

"For your information, she had about a dozen shots and a couple of rum and cokes. I think she might have even done some straight tequila shots," explained Kate helpfully as I nodded my head at her words.

"I was about to do a body shot or something like that off of some young stud muffin with six pack abs but Alice pulled me away," cried out Esme remorsefully. I would definitely need to thank Alice in the near future for that move. "Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp?"

"No Esme, our daughter Alice is nothing like a chimp," I chided with a laugh as Esme glared at me unhappily. Esme had always had a high tolerance for her liquor but tonight was unlike any I had seen before. She had basically drank her weight in alcohol and then proceeded to pummel the ex-boyfriend of our soon to be daughter-in-law. I couldn't exactly say I was proud of her, but it was the best word I could think of.

"Kate, you have such pretty hair," said Esme sincerely as she suddenly leaned over and started to basically paw at Kate's hair like she was a fucking golden retriever. I grasped Esme's arm and pulled her back while Kate simply laughed at the awkwardness of the entire situation. "Don't you think her hair is pretty Carlisle?"

"Sure sweetheart, it's very pretty," I replied tensely in an effort to placate her as Esme suddenly nuzzled up right next to me and laid her hand across my lap. Her face was buried into my neck and I could feel her hot breath on me, stirring up emotions I had no intention of encountering this evening. "Jesus Christ, Esme," I groaned out as I suddenly felt her stroking my cock through the fabric of my khaki pants. I gripped her hand and pulled it from me again. As much as I usually enjoyed my frisky wife, tonight in the backseat of a cab with our friends, was not somewhere I had ever envisioned this happening.

"Like I said… party pooper," she groaned as she suddenly threw her head back against the seat and crossed her arms across her chest like a pouting five year old that was denied their favorite toy. I am well aware of the irony in the situation.

As we pulled in front of our hotel, I stepped out first and tried to assist Esme, who was now insisting she was stone cold sober. Even I was still a little tipsy from the three pitchers of Beer I had shared with Charlie, but I was definitely better off than my wife. I handed the cab driver a twenty, which was way more than necessary and wrapped my arm around her waist, trying to help steady her while she walked into the hotel. "That was the best cab driver I have ever had in my entire life… what was his name… Larry? Tom?" asked Esme as I heard Charlie and Kate laughing behind us.

"His name was Ernesto honey and yes, he was a mighty fine cab driver for the six blocks he took us," I remarked as the bellhop opened the door for us and Esme stumbled in cheerfully, her hand reaching back to pinch my ass as we walked.

As we stepped into the elevator, Esme was suddenly all over me like we were the only people in the small space, which wasn't true. Charlie, Kate and another couple staying at the hotel had joined us. I pushed 11 for our floor as Esme suddenly wrapped her arms around me and began sucking on my neck, sounding a little too much like a broken down Hoover for my liking. "Carlisle, you are so fucking sexy," she muttered as I blushed and I heard snickers from the other people in the elevator.

Thankfully, mere moments later the doors opened up and the other couple stepped out, leaving just Charlie and Kate alone with me and Esme. "Did you know Carlisle is very well hung?" Then in a move that completely mortified me more than I could ever explain, she suddenly held up her hands several inches apart and tried to show them how large my cock was.

"Oh no, I had no idea," commented Kate through the tears of laughter that were falling down her face. I however, was completely horrified and trying to imagine ways to whip open the elevator and plunge to my untimely death at the bottom of the elevator shaft.

"Why on earth would Dr. Cullen kill himself?" one of the paramedics would ask with concern as they looked at my mangled body at the bottom of the shaft.

"Rumor has it, his drunken wife was explaining to his friends about his enormous dick, hand gestures and all," the other paramedic would mention as they broke out into laughter.

"Suicide is completely justifiable then."

"I bet Charlie's got a good sized package, right chief?" she added as she punched him hard on the shoulder, a lot harder than she probably realized. Charlie reached up and started to rub the area where Esme had punched him and I felt immediately relieved when we ended up on our floor and the doors opened.

"Do you need help getting her into bed?" asked Kate sweetly after we stepped from the elevator and Esme began inspecting the rather generic painting on the wall directly across from us a little too closely, her hands practically pawing at the nature scene within the frame, like she had been when she was pawing Kate's hair earlier.

"Carlisle's never had an issue getting me into bed, isn't that right doctor sexy?" purred Esme as she suddenly plopped down on the small bench that was located directly below the painting she had been admiring, which for the record was clearly bought at one of those starving artist shows they hold down at the Howard Johnson near the airport.

"Okay then, we will see you guys for breakfast. Call us if you need anything," laughed Charlie as he wrapped his arm gently around Kate's waist and led her down the hallway towards their room. I offered my hand to Esme and she slapped it away playfully before finally standing up, awkwardly and then pulling off her high heels.

Once her shoes were on the ground, she started to run after Charlie and Kate at a fairly slow pace, which made Charlie double over in laughter. I grasped her shoes in my hand and gave chase, swooping Esme up and tossing her over my shoulder like a caveman.

"Do you think Kate & Charlie swing?" she asked as I suddenly coughed loudly to cover up her words from their ears, although they definitely heard her because I heard Charlie's laughter get louder. "Don't look so shocked Carlisle Cullen. There was a time when we used to…" exclaimed Esme as she suddenly swatted at my ass, the smacking noise her hand made against me reverberating through the hallways.

"That was almost thirty years ago Esme and nothing happened. You ran out of the dorm naked and were subsequently arrested because the police officers you stumbled upon assumed we were having sex, rather than running away from an orgy," I stated as I wrapped my arm tight around her waist and led her towards our room at the opposite end of the hallway from Charlie and Kate's.

When I finally opened the door to our hotel suite, Esme sauntered in drunkenly like she owned the place and began peeling her clothes off, throwing them all over the room. I stepped over to the lamp, where her panties down lay draped over the shade and causing a possible fire hazard and yanked them off. The last thing I needed tonight was a fire. As I stepped into the bathroom to fetch a glass of water for both of us, I could hear some distinct squeaking from the bedroom and hoped to god she wasn't jumping on the mattress. Naked jumping Esme was not something I could contend with this evening.

"Here you should drink this," I stated as I walked into the bedroom and found Esme naked on all fours in the center of our bed, facing me.

"There's only one thing I want right now Carlisle and it's not vodka," sighed Esme, attempting to be seductive as she motioned me towards the bed using one hand and I had to stifle a laugh as she tipped over onto her side.

"It's not vodka sweetheart, its water and when you can barely hold yourself up on the bed, you could definitely use it," I said in frustration as I thrust the half filled glass of water towards her and she attempted to gently place it on the nightstand. Instead, it fell to the ground, water splashing against the furniture and the sheets of our bed.

Before I had a chance to bend over and pick it up, Esme's hands had a firm grip on my pants and she was tugging my belt off with faster reflexes than a piss drunk woman should have. I put my hand on her shoulders firmly in attempt to pull her from me, but she simply yanked down my pants and boxers in one fell swoop and gripped my cock awkwardly.

"I was right to brag about your cock ya know," she said with a grin as I suddenly felt her tongue on me and I couldn't help the reaction that was being caused. Fucking dick.

Esme had always been a very sexual creature and even now as she drunkenly slobbered on my cock, I couldn't help the attraction I felt for her. However, even in my semi-sober state, I felt bad for 'taking advantage of her' no matter how willing she was. As much as I wanted to simply pull her from me and lay her down in bed, letting sleep claim her, I don't think there was any way she was letting go of the magnetic grip she seemed to have on my cock. So I let myself try to enjoy it.

"Oh Christ Esme," I muttered as I felt her teeth along my length and I wasn't sure if it was voluntary or not, but it felt fucking good. Moments later, I was surprised to find I was already at the brink of release and as I tugged on her ear to force her from me, she stayed put, which was very unlike Esme. Never fond of swallowing, but unable to do anything else, I came in streams down her throat, which she greedily accepted before leaning back on her knees and wiping her mouth sloppily with the back of her hand.

"I don't know what all the fucking fuss is about. It doesn't taste that bad," she muttered before finally lying back on the bed, her legs splayed open wide for me. "Are you gonna finish fucking undressing and come and get me?"

I looked at my naked wife for a moment and quickly stepped out of my khakis and boxers that were pooled at my feet on the floor. My loafers came off next and I had a little bit of difficult unbuttoning my shirt in my current state of arousal, but after only a minute or so I was fully undressed and raring to go.

Unfortunately, I couldn't say the same for my lovely wife, who was now passed out on top of the bed. I pulled the covers over her body and stepped into the bathroom, deciding to take a nice cold shower before heading to bed myself. When I shivered my way back into the bedroom five minutes later, I couldn't help but laugh as I listened to my sleeping lush of a wife murmuring about my cock size in her sleep."At least 8 inches. Now buy me a boa and drive me to Reno"