…I don't know.

Anger Management

Ed had always been an angry person. The smallest thing set him off. And Roy Mustang suffered a hundred times more than everyone else. Perhaps it was because of all the 'short' comments. It didn't matter.

And one day, it became too much.

One thing led to another...

Now Ed is sitting in a tiny plastic chair that's too small even for him, surrounded by other people sitting in other tiny plastic chairs arranged in a circular formation underneath a ceiling covered with a scattering of light bulbs that needed to be changed sometime soon.

There was a man with thinning hair sitting in the biggest of the tiny plastic chairs (which still wasn't much bigger than the others) talking on and on in a monotonous voice.

Anger management was not the place for him.


"AAAAAAnnnddd sssssoooo," the teacher said oh-so-slowly-and-boringly, "thhhhaaaattt iiiisss wwwwhhhhyyy yyyyoooouuuu nnnneeeeeeeedddd tttttoooo mmmannnnaaaaggggeeee yyyyyyooooouuuuuurrrrr aaaannnnggggeeerrr."

Ed fell asleep.


Roy was also sleeping. But not with Ed. Go away freaky RoyEd fans.

He was drooling on a pile of paperwork. Previously mentioned pile of paperwork stretched higher than he was tall, bursting through the ceiling and getting lost among the clouds. Which would sound mysterious and romantic, if it were about anything other than paperwork. Paperwork isn't mysterious and romantic...To most people. Roy was actually dating one of the papers. But don't tell Riza.

There was a soft, low rumble in the background. It slowly got louder, louder an louder still, until...

Ed burst through the door, being followed a large number of yelling, angry people.

"I HATE CHEEZ-ITS!" said one of them.

"GOLD FISH ARE EVIL!" said another.

"MY BOSS IS A TOTAL DICKHEAD!"

"PINK ERASERS ARE THE SCUM OF SOCIETY!"

And, at last, Ed's voice cut through- "ROY MUSTANG IS THE BIGGEST BASTARD ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET!"

Roy slept through it all, much to Ed's dismay. He stomped over to the desk and bonked Roy on the head with his automail fist.

Roy looked up blearily. "Mph...Uh...Ed...?"

"Why, hello, Roy!" Ed said, grinning (evilly). "I'm here to kill you!"

"..."

Ed mentally screamed. He also physically (?) screamed. "AAAHHHHHHHHH! I HATE YOU! YOU STUPID, SLOW-THINKING BASTARD! AND STOP CALLING ME SHORT, DAMMIT! I'M NOT SHORT! EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST TALL! AND YOU DATE PAPERWORK!"

That struck a nerve. "ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF THE BLOSSOMING RELATIONSHIT BETWEEN ME AND MARIA?!"

Ed grinned. "HELL YEAH! YOU TWO ARE HORRIBLE TOGETHER! SHE'D BE BETTER OFF WITH HAVOC!"

Roy gasped. "Oh no you didn't!" He tackled Ed, knocking him to the ground. A crazy RoyEd fangirl somehow got into the room, squealed, then took a picture. Every other RoyEd fangirl had a copy of said picture 58.92 seconds later, via the internet.

Ed screamed and punched Roy in the face, breaking his nose, knocking out both eyeballs, destroying all his teeth and rendering him incapable of speech.

Roy died. Ed was happy. He spent the rest of his life sipping ice-cold lemonade on his front porch in his house in Florida with his wife, Winry. SUCKS FOR YOU, ROYED FANS! He taught anger management classes for a living, thus ending this fic with a cliché ironic sentence.

Roy came back to life and married Riza and had seventeen kids because he's creepy like that. Maria, his former girlfriend, became an alcoholic out of depression and killed herself on Riza and Roy's tenth anniversary.

THE END