Title: "The Virtual Coitus Surrogation"
Author: g_girl143 / gwendy
Rating: PG 15
Summary: Sheldon and Penny play a late night game of Age of Conan
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the series A/N: Just a quick, one shot fic. Just some good, sexy fun haha. Inspired from the Barbarian Sublimation. You have to forgive me, I wrote this late at night. Oh, and I don't play Age of Conan and know virtually nothing about the game, so forgive me for my assumptions. Just remember that this is a fanfic :)

"Penny, how many times must I tell you to stock up on health potions?" Sheldon groaned as he watched his and Penny's Age of Conan characters walk across a grassy field, though stumble was a better word.

"Big words for someone who only has one health potion left," Penny fired back. "You could've at least given that to me earlier, you know."

"And risk having you and me die at the same time?" Sheldon seethed. He looked fleetingly at the clock and back to his laptop again, maneuvering the keyboard so Sheldor and Queen Penelope were headed towards the next town. It was high noon in the virtual world, and the sun was bearing down on the wounded warriors. The only shade was that of a tree in the distance.

He looked at the clock again. He and Penny had started playing at precisely 9:36PM. Three hours and fifty-six minutes later, they were still playing, albeit separately.

They hadn't planned on playing together. Not at all. It just so happened Sheldon had found time off his busy schedule to level up his character and finish more quests. He'd settled himself nicely on his bed, his checkered Saturday pajamas smelling of fresh linen, and the comforter folded precisely to his waist.

An hour and three minutes into the game, Queen Penelope had pinged him and asked for assistance on a quest. He would've refused if she hadn't threatened to go into his room for advice. And so Sheldor the Conqueror had left his foreign companions to quest with the blond next door.

'A quest' had later evolved to its plural form.

"You could've left me, you know," Penny said through the headset. Sheldon wasn't sure what to make of the tone of her voice. "What made you save me?"

"Aside from avoiding your potential invasion of my room, it would be impractical to leave you behind and waste hours of gameplay," was Sheldon's response. "We have the same goal but it's your quest. Without you, I cannot take the treasure chest. And no, I had not intended for that to rhyme."

He heard Penny chuckle. Sheldor and Queen Penelope were slowly heading for the shade of the tree.

"You still remember that, Sheldon?"

"Sleeping on your bed is something I would hardly call forgettable," Sheldon replied, though his words gave him a pause. If it was the vocabulary rendered or the sudden smoothness in his voice, he wasn't certain, but something told him he hadn't said it right.

Penny chuckled through the headset again, but it was different from the last chuckle. It was more of a giggle. With a lot of breathing in between.

"Sheldor, let's rest beneath the shadows of yonder tree. I need to rest from this long journey. My wounds are many and I have barely strength enough to stand."

"I see your usage of olden language has improved," Sheldon noticed, and directed Sheldor to the tree. "Come then, Queen Penelope. Take thy rest in the shade whilst I journey to seek aid from healers."

"No!" Penny shrieked, which had Sheldon almost jumping off the bed. "I mean...I beg you not to leave my side, conqueror. In my weakened state, should monsters come about, I shalt be left to their mercy."

"Penny, don't be ridiculous," Sheldon rolled his eyes as if Penny were there to see it. "We need to get you a healer, or I'll need to purchase some health potions for you at the tavern."

"Just sit by me for a moment, you idiot."

Sheldon jumped a little from Penny's tone. He looked at the calendar and found the explanation: pre-menstrual syndrome. He remembered the last time he had caught her in this ill-time of the month, and if he recalled correctly, which he always did, it hadn't been the most pleasant of experiences.


"Very well. I shall acede to thy request," he said through gritted teeth, his fingers flying over the keys to have Sheldor sit beside Queen Penelope beneath the tree.

"Sheldor, my wounds are great, and there is still a great distance before the next town. The fields are empty save for yourself and I. Would you be so kind as to dress my wounds?"

Sheldon shook his head. "Penny, that's utterly impossible. Not with the current technology, although that would be a feature to suggest to the game developers. That would be more realistic and save time and effort, rather than having to stock up on health potions and--"

"Sheldon?" Penny's voice had changed back to her old one. Had she changed it then? Sheldon, for some reason, couldn't recall. "Do you understand the concept of 'pretense'?"

"Of course I have a great understanding of it. I have a rather extensive vocabulary and--"

"So you do understand that we're pretending to be Sheldor and Queen Penelope right?" Penny said pointedly, and Sheldon responded with an 'Oh'.

Penny changed her voice again, and this, Sheldon finally understood, to be the melodic drawl of Queen Penelope. "Oh great Sheldor, I have no one to turn to but thee. I beg you to vanquish the pain from my wounds as you have vanquished so many of your foes..."

"Penny, I'm a conqueror. Not a healer. If anything, I should go to the tavern to get one for you and--"

"Sheldor? Queen Penelope here, remember?"

"Oh." Sheldon blinked. He needed a bit more time to get used to this. "Queen Penelope, I am a conqueror, and thus, unable to heal you to the utmost effect."

"But neither was I, when I came to nurse you in your illness. I had spread magic ointment upon thy chest and sang to you the healing songs composed by minstrels..."

Sheldon face twisted in thought. Did that happen before? "I seem to recall no instance or quest of that nature."

There was a short moment of silence, and all Sheldon could hear where Penny's soft breaths. He had a mental picture of her sitting on her bed, staring at her laptop, her green eyes bright and her mouth slightly open while her breasts rose and fell with her breaths...though why he suddenly thought of that last part was beyond him.

Then, she began singing 'Soft Kitty'.

"Ah, so you're integrating elements of reality into the virtual world." Sheldon nodded, and pressed his back to the headboard again. "Alright. I'll play along."

It was in that moment that something strange took over Sheldon. His throat tightened, and when he spoke, his voice was deep and strong. Perhaps it was Penny's voice. Or heavy breaths. Perhaps it was her suggestion of pretense. But right now, he was Sheldor the Conqueror, with a wounded companion at his side. A companion he was indebted to, and an honorable conqueror must abide to the laws of reciprocity. "Ah, yes, the song of the minstrels. Though hath been a most helpful in mine time of need. So be it. I am by no means a healer, nor am I knowledgeable of their craft, but I shall do my utmost to save thee from thy pain. I shall dress thy wounds--"

"Mine wounds be beneath my armor."

"Then, I shall have to take thy armor off. I shall need to examine thy injuries to determine the intensity of treatment needed. I--"

"But Sheldor...beneath my armor...there be nothing but skin..."

"Modesty be not a commodity when one is in dire need of assistance."

"Then, undress me, Sheldor."


"Undress me, I say!"

"Alright, alright. I'm undressing you."

"Describe it to me."

Sheldon blinked. "Describe what?"

"How you're undressing me. You're supposed to have creative and imaginative mind, aren't you?"

Sheldon felt his shoulders hoist up. Penny was challenging him. Well, he's going to have to show her just how brilliant his mind is, and dropped his voice to almost a hiss. "I first take away thy cape and set it aside. Little by little, I lift thy armor away, careful not to touch thy wounds, until I finally expose thee..." Did Penny just moan? "...and I see thy wounds are indeed great, but with mine superior experience, I am with confidence I shall be able to alleviate thy pain."

"Then alleviate my pain, conqueror..." Two...three...four breaths at a time...was Penny asphyxiating? "I need to feel thy hands on me. Touch me."

"Huh? But your wounds--"

"I need to feel you, Sheldor. Draw thy sword and take conquest..."

"Sword? Conquest? I don't--"

"Prove yourself a conqueror and lay claim on my body."

A shiver down his spinal column, and Sheldor shattered back into Sheldon. He was sweating and shaking by the time he asked, "Penny...have you been turning to this game to vent out your sexual frustrations again."

Silence. Sheldon waited for a full minute.

Then, Penny said, "AFK."

"Wha...Penny?" he shouted for her, but no response. In the background, he could here stomps. "Penny? Penny? PENNY!"

The stomps had faded, but at the same time, where coming closer. Before he could take his next breath, his door flung open, and Penny stood at the doorway, her slim body wrapped in her pink bathrobe.

Then, she let it fall to the floor.

Sheldon's throat went dry, and he felt blood rushing to places he never thought it would until he could feel his whole body burn.

He could smell liquor...no, ale, from yonder tavern, wafting in with the scent of honeysuckle and sweat.

Queen Penelope's armor was off, and Sheldor the Conqueror was drawing his sword, ready for the conquest.

And the only thing Sheldon could say was, "Penny...people can't be in my bedroom."

"Screw that, Sheldor." Penny locked the door.

Hours later, Leonard, Raj and Howard stood in front of Sheldon's door, trying to decipher the meaning of the headset hanging on the doorknob.

It was Raj who first noticed Penny's name stickered on the headset. And the only thing he could say was, "Dude, what the hell?"

A/N: Haha! Sorry, I just thought this was a funny concept! AFK!!!