Though this is not my first Deadpool or Teen Titans FanFic, it is my first one with them together. I took some characteristics from my Deadpool fanfic, in it he can break the fourth wall just like in the comic books so please don't mind the whole broken fourth wall there. Well, enjoy my fic and don't forget to review!
You should know by now that no one in FanFiction owns any of the characters they write about. The fact that you're just now realizing after I've told you is sad beyond all possible reason! Well...there go any chance of possibly winning you over with humor; I've screwed that over by blatantly insulting you random person reading this who's just now realizing they're being insulted by someone through the internet.
If you don't already hate me then continue reading, hopefully by the end you'll realize that it's awesome despite its bitchy authoress. Enjoy!
Chapter 1: Plot Holes A-plenty
"'Twas a sunny Smarch day in Jump City, the birds were singing, the people commuting to their crappy jobs and narrators like I were referencing fake months made up by a TV show long past its prime (the Simpsons)." Deadpool scribbled into a journal he stole from some guy named Walter Kovacs.
"I miss my yellow boxes." Deadpool sighed, "Any chance of me getting them back in the fanfic?" There wasn't. "Damn." He snapped his fingers.
"Oh well, might as well finish recounting the events of the previous day." Deadpool shrugged as he took a bite from the very greasy pizza in his hand without pulling up his mask.
"Hee hee, physics' got nothing on me." Deadpool laughed as he took another bite...somehow.
"Let's see, where was I?" Deadpool stroked his chin. "Right. 'What the hell happened to the Simpsons? I mean, it used to be awesome; it used to be better than awesome! Then it all went downhill. Coincidentally I killed the head writers at around the same time. No one makes fun of Bea Arthur and lives!'" Deadpool shook his fist not realizing it was him who killed our favorite show...or maybe it was the internet.
"Hey! Back to me!" Deadpool shouted, "Let's see uh...right, right. 'I was contacted by an anonymous employer. Not surprisingly, the plot hole on how exactly it is that he contacted me through universes shall never be answered, questioned, nor referenced again after this journal entry as there is no logical explanation, but then again, nothing about fanfics or comic books are logical. Just look the Incredible Hulk! Are we really supposed to believe that his reputation wasn't as thoroughly tarnished as we thought by Ang Lee's crapfest that we'd go see the new one with dreamy Edward Norton? No siree but for some reason we did go see it anyway! All in all it was a good movie. And that concludes Deadpool's Movie Corner Review. Oh wait-'"
It was Smarch -1st, 200(?), yes, that's a negative sign. Deadpool groggily woke up at around 8 at night and walked over to his counter busily searching for the coffee machine or some other high caffeine drink.
"We're out of coffee." Weasel said flipping through the channels as he heard a crash come from behind him.
Deadpool shot himself in the head.
He fell down instantly but almost as soon as he fell he got back up, good as...Deadpool.
"You say somethin' Weas?" Deadpool said looking through the fridge.
"We're out of food too." Bob, Agent of HYDRA said turning back. "Why'd you have to shoot Alex in the stomach? You know he's sensitive about his weight. And now I'm starving." He said sadly.
"It's not like we really get paid anything. I mean Alex has to pay for all the collateral damage I cause, or so he says. I'm still sticking to the belief that he's swindling me out of my hard earned paycheck to buy Twinkies and Ho-Ho's!!!!" Deadpool shouted. "Maybe Ding-Dongs."
"Hard earned?" Weasel scoffed, "Last time you had to beat up to two teenagers out of revenge for some snobby rich kid. The only reason the bill was almost $5000 dollars is because of all the pop culture quips you said."
"You sure ran your mouth on that one." Bob said remembering how Wade wouldn't shut up. He still had the ringing in his ears.
Suddenly the phone rang.
"Hey, maybe it's Alex." Bob said hopefully.
"No it's not." Weasel said thinking realistically.
"Well let's not jump to either conclusion so quickly. We'll let it ring." Deadpool said crossing his arms. After one ring and realizing that no food also meant 'no chimichangas' he quickly dove for the phone. "Alex Hayden, I want my job back!!" Deadpool said into the phone before he could hear anyone speak.
"Uh-huh. Yes that's me. Yuh-huh. Ooh really? Ohhh..." Deadpool said stroking his chin. "Well I like the sound of that. How much money did you say?" Deadpool's eyes widened. He quickly slammed down the phone and put his hands in the air.
"I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!!" Deadpool said ecstatically.
Bob and Weasel groaned in unison.
"Just kidding. I just got a merc job and without Hayden the Hutt's help." Deadpool said triumphantly.
"Still miss the place though." Bob said.
"Yeah, I miss Sandi, Outlaw, and-" Weasel began.
"Parts of her anyway." Deadpool interrupted.
"-Alex...uh, sorta." Weasel finished.
"So what're you doing?" Bob finally asked.
"I gotta kill a few people. Titans or whatever. I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm get 100k a head." Deadpool said excitedly. Bob and Weasel's jaws dropped.
"Well, how many heads are there?" Weasel asked quickly regaining himself.
"Half a million?!" Bob cried.
"Hey! Shh! Keep it down, you don't want Old Man Green finding out do ya?" Deadpool said almost half expecting the front door to be taken down by their old, eccentric, and slightly creepy landlord Mr. Green, who, as his last name stated, really liked green if ya know that it means.
"Right, right." Bob hushed himself.
"So where're the targets?" Weasel whispered. The light from the TV was shining off his glasses making him seem more malice than usual.
"Some place called Jump City." Deadpool said. "They live in a tea tower or something."
"Tea Tower?" Weasel asked.
"Isn't that where they make the tea or something?" Bob mused.
"You're killing tea makers or...whatever they're called?" Weasel asked.
"Hey, tea's good business." Deadpool stood up, "Just look at the Boston Tea Party, that shindig was huge!!! Took an entire shipload of tea to satisfy everyone."
"That's not-" Weasel was once again interrupted by Wade.
"That's hawf a bloody million you bloody yank!" Deadpool said in his best, yet worst, British accent.
"Alright, I'm in." Weasel said, "But where is Jump City?"
"Considering all our previous targets I'd say somewhere in New York." Bob said.
"Quickly! To Google Earth!!" Deadpool shouted.
"Google Earth my ass." Weasel said inspecting the road map. "Where'd we get this road map?"
"I don't know. I found it on my bed. Weird, almost as if someone's planning something big with me in the middle." Deadpool mused aloud knowing full well that I existed. "Bloody yank." He said under his breath, which he can technically say as he's Canadian and I'm American.
"Wade!" Bob and Weasel yelled in unison. Deadpool hated when they did that, double the shrivel-ly voice, double the pain in his ears.
"What?!" Deadpool shouted back.
"You missed the exit!" Bob pointed behind them.
"Aw, dammit!" Deadpool turned the wheel of his car as far as he could and caused three lanes to stop completely. "What exit?" he shouted.
"That one" Weasel pointed.
"I don't see it." Deadpool said inspecting his surroundings.
"The trees are covering it from our view." Bob said.
"That explains a bit. Stupid trees. Why don't we just cut them down again?" Deadpool said driving the wrong way on the freeway.
"Remember Wade, no trees equals no oxygen equals no chimichangas." Weasel reminded him.
"Oh right. Good trees then. Not so stupid." Deadpool's cursed silently when he saw red and blue lights. "Cheese it! The Feds!!" Deadpool said jumping out of the stolen car. Bob and Weasel did the same.
"Thank you sir!" Bob shouted back at the man they left tied up in the back seat. The man just cursed at them but it was muffled up due to the rag over his mouth.
"To freedom!!" Deadpool jumped over the concrete boundary markers into the wilderness surrounding the highway.
"Agh!" Weasel said jumping behind Wade.
"Holy Hollywood!" Deadpool shouted, "Or should I say Unholy? No, no, Tyrannical Tinsel Town! Anyway, how'd you run so fast Bob?" Wade asked inspecting the HYDRA agent who had so quickly dashed in front of him on the highway.
"HYDRA training, Retreat 301; I was top of my class." Bob smiled.
"Uh-oh." Weasel said hearing the sirens pull up.
"Run!" Bob shouted and the trio ran for their free lives.
"No...more...running..." Weasel collapsed as he saw the outline of a city, a very bright city.
"Blinding." Bob said shielding his eyes.
"...look..." Weasel said catching his breath. He pointed at a sign.
"Welcome to Jurnp City." Deadpool misread the sign.
"That's Jump." Bob said.
"What'd ya say? Jump? The hell kind of a slang word is that? Kids these days and their slang. Yo, that's tight! The hell does that mean? Who cares if something's tight fitting? And what does yo mean?" Deadpool began.
"No, Jump. It says Jump City." Bob said picking up Weasel who almost immediately collapsed again; he was not made for running.
"Ohhh, Jump. Well I still don't get tight, how's that equal that's cool? Yo though, I get that." Deadpool shook his head slowly. "Well, whatcha waitin' for? Let's go."
"Can't walk." Weasel said.
"Sure you can, hey look it's a Cop!" Deadpool said pointing behind Weasel into the woods.
Weasel quickly got up and the three of them ran off again with him in the lead.
"Can't walk my foot!" Deadpool shouted to Weasel.
"I, like everyone else, would run at the sight of a gun pointed straight at me!" Weasel shot back.
"Oh yeah, forgot it was a scary thing." Deadpool pulled out his hand pistol. "Mush mush!!" Deadpool said as if they were sled dogs. He pointed his gun at his two minions- err, friends, no no, minions. Although he could've easily run ahead of them he chose not to. His blatantness garnering screams and shouts through the streets.
"Don't worry people, they're my minions!" Deadpool saluted to the passing strangers. "MUSH!!!" Although he seemed like a complete maniac Deadpool was making sure he was seen by whoever contacted him, the man had obviously heard of Deadpool's past dealings and successes, and also none of his failures, which were most of the time, so he was obviously very powerful.
After about two hours of running the trio stopped in an alley to catch their breath, at least Weasel and Bob anyway, Deadpool had just started feeling silly about pointing his handgun on them so he put it away. It wasn't nearly as fear inducing as he'd hoped.
"Where'd I put my machine gun?" Wade asked checking his various pockets.
"No...more...running...please..." Bob and Weasel said falling on each other.
"Oh you pansies." Deadpool said, "Here it is!" he produced a machine gun seemingly out of thin air but it was immediately taken away from someone behind him.
"Hey! I wouldn't touch that if I were you!" Deadpool said turning around, the person wore black with shining silver arm and shin guards as well as circular protective covering around his neck. He had a mask with a large orange circle revealing two slits for dead white eyes.
"Yeah, seriously, I wouldn't touch that. It has a LOT of Vaseline on it. You think I got that out of nowhere? Guess again." Deadpool said rubbing his rear. The man said nothing and simply began walking past them, going deeper into the alley.
"Let's go." Deadpool said to Bob and Weasel.
"...are...you...serious...?" Weasel asked.
"You know, you're starting to sound like that kid in the wheelchair from Malcolm in the Middle." Deadpool laughed, "And yes, obviously the man recognizes me, either he is the guy or he works for the guy so let's go."
Bob and Weasel looked at each other and begrudgingly got up from the floor.
"No amount of money is worth this much pain." Bob said rubbing his legs.
Any Last Thoughts?
Well, what do you think? If you think it's bad, that's okay, it'll get better (hopefully). XD I shall update soon, I promise. Oh and review!!!
-Your Friendly Neighborhood Pyromaniac