AN: I haven't posted anything in years, and figured - why not? It's not like I don't still write. This story isn't exactly finished, and if you want me to continue it, let me know. It sort of just ends in a cliffhanger or innuendo (however you'd like to see it). Anyway, I do not own Phineas and Ferb or their characters. Be aware this is just a mild thought gone rampant, and I was surprised it hasn't been done before. Please don't take any of it seriously. This is rated M for a reason.
"Pickles so green and meat so brown, lunch ti-" I ripped out the incessant cassette that had bothered me for so many years from that annoying clown statue with a grin.
"Not anymore!" I chimed while pulling the tape out of the cassette to ensure its demise. I tossed the destroyed audio in a pile I'd been working on for about twenty minutes now. It'd been hard enough to get all the statues to the top floor of my building where my lab was, but I was having fun destroying their innards now. I'd almost forgotten my daily interruption when the far wall crumbled. Expecting that secret agent platypus to stand poised in the clearing smoke I turned with a sneer and gasped to see someone else.
"A teenage girl?!" I cried out. With a frown the girl placed Perry's fedora on her head and I scowled with realization. "Perry the Teenage Girl?" I felt a twinge of horror but quickly retrieved the remote to my trap. The cage was the size of a small animal carrier as it had been made for my normal arch-nemesis, but luckily the girl's body was scrawny enough that she folded up inside quite nicely.
"Sorry about the tight fit," I walked towards the girls kneeling in the cage like it was a modern Scavenger's Daughter, a medieval torture device, "but you know if I knew you were going to disguise yourself as a teenage girl I would have set a bigger trap." I shrugged with a grin growing on my face. Somehow trapping a human girl felt a bit more evil than usual and I reveled in the dark thought. I decided to move on.
"I suppose you're wondering why I have all these clowns, right? Well you see, I had that Slushy Burger jingle stuck in my head for like a week! Pickles so green and meat so brown, lunch time's so fun with Slushy the Clown. Oh, I hate that song so much I've stolen all the clowns and I'm going to rip their tape boxes out. You know, like you do. And I'm going to replace it with my own evil jingle. I just have to finish writing it, right. I'm having a hard time finding a good rhyme for 'evil' though, you know? Believe me, I've tried ceevil, deevil, beevil. None of these are words." I'd made my way across the room and sat at my piano that I'd taken straight from the retirement home across the street. My clipboard of words sat mocking me on top and I furrowed my brows in frustration.
I began pacing and testing other words, mostly placing letters in front of the word "evil" and not finding anything that actually worked.
"Once I get this done lunch time will never again be fun." I muttered in anger. I stopped and resisted the urge to slap my own forehead in shame. "Oh great! There's a rhyme. There's a rhyme! But sure everything rhymes with the word fun." Before my anger could really boil however a pair of hands took a firm hold of my shoulders and I flew backwards off my piano bench and Perry landed on top of me.
I am not a strong man, I can admit this. But I felt a sort of ire to being so easily tossed around by this scrawny girl. I normally held my fair share of shame when a platypus can hold me pinned to the ground, but this was just insulting.
I gave a hefty shove and we both sprang to our feet. I raised my hands and paused when the reminder that it was only a girl passed through my head. Perry, however, jumped and twisted around. I didn't move as her short skirt-clad butt passed inches in front of my face. Time seemed to slow briefly as I stared at the girl's bottom, but before I could remember to breath Perry had landed and looked at me expectantly. The reminder of my manhood and needs seemed to explode in my head. Evil thoughts didn't seem quite as important, and the only thing I could think was "I am a man. I have urges. Why have I been ignoring my urges? It's been so long!" I frowned and tried to gather my thoughts. This was Perry the Platypus for God's sake!
"Ha! You don't have a tail anymore!" My words felt hollow, like I was only saying my part, but my soul wasn't in it. The girl had a long neck and legs and such a fierce fire in her eyes I'd never seen. I shook the thought from my mind and let my endless anger seep back. I raised my fists.
"Now you are no match for me!" It's a girl! "But wait a minute. I-I can't hit a girl!" Suddenly a purse slammed down on top of my head. I remembered my ex-wife doing the same thing when she left me for a second and all my rage came forth full force. "Did you have that purse when you came in?!" She hit me again. I jumped at her before she hit a third time and landed on top. Perry struggled and his clicking sound he did snapped me out of my hate-filled fury for a moment.
I stared down at the girl and wasn't sure what to do. I was straddling her waist with my hands pinning down her arms. Perry stared at me with eyebrows drawn together, obviously waiting for another trap or something. I prided myself with being very expertise when it came to judging what Perry's actions will be and calculating where the traps can be set, but nothing could have prepared me for my arch-nemesis showing up as a girl! I considered letting her up, but felt conflicted knowing Perry would probably knock me out or tie me up as usual. This was a very awkward position.
I felt myself slumping a little, but my grip on her arms tightened. "What do I do?" I whispered. I stared straight at her face and saw the confusion crawling across. I slumped further and my nose touched her long neck. She smelled like blossoms. I felt Perry shiver at the touch and her body tensed.
"I am an evil man," I reminded her. "An evil, despicable, sick-minded man." I was nuzzling her neck now. The slender, strong body only teenagers had doubled with the sick thought that it was the mind of my enemy within took its toll on me. I shuddered and touched my lips just under her ear. Perry began struggling.
"You could probably speak in there, you know? Humans can form words." My eyes closed and my body fluttered just over hers. She was arching up into me and jerked side to side, trying to pull out from under me. She didn't seem to consider what I'd said.
"Perry," she stopped struggling and looked at me, fear tinting her eyes. "I don't have many opportunities to be something more than an evil genius, you know? Between my scheming and planning and fighting you, I just don't have to time to enjoy finer things, right?" My voice was husky. It didn't help that Perry had frozen while arched perfectly against my full body. I took a shuddering breath. "Curse you Perry the Teenager." With that I lowered my lips over hers and claimed the girl with a moan. She returned it.
I slowly released her arms and my hands fluttered down her sides. One hand lingered on her small chest while the other drifted down to her hip, where I was still straddled. She tentatively reached up and placed her hands on my chest. The simple touch made a fire burst in my ribcage and it flew straight down to my groin. Teenage hormones had to be driving Perry – he would never touch me otherwise. I could accept that.
It was hard to avoid her long neck, and before I knew it I was kissing and sucking on the sensitive flesh. I felt my lab coat being pushed over my shoulders and it slumped around my waist and the crook of my elbows. One of her arms wrapped around me and gripped the collar of my turtleneck and her other hand started stroking my thigh. I released her chest and hip and searched for a remote in my slack coat the best I could while still nibbling her neck. I kept bringing remotes to my face and tossing it aside until I found the one I was looking for. I hit the Clothes Away-Inator remote button and with a small static shock we were both naked.
Who said my inventions were pointless?