Love. The one that feels a mother for her child as she holds it affectionately in her arms for the very first time. The one that makes two friends stay together all night, sharing their dreams and hopes and craziest ambitions, silently laughing, sharing sweet secrets bashfully confessed behind closed doors. The reviving, restoring, utter love that makes a young girl listen to the radio when the entire city sleeps, her head leaning on the soft pillow, her vivaciously sparkling eyes staring at his image as every song suddently turns out to be dedicated to what she feels. Love. The greatest feeling of all; a feeling for which we all live and breathe. To give with outstreched hands, without expecting to be given back, to see the whole universe gloom dark as if it is its last day to life, every time you see him move away from you. An unbearably, subversive, extremely painful knife repeatedly, mercilessly stabbing your heart as you taste rejection. The reason I am now walking across a dirty, small road in the lonesome vastness of the empty town, empty because he is away and everyone is him, the raindrops falling on me, dampening my fur, plopping on my face, blustering noisily as they reluctantly join their sisters who have reached the thirsty earth before them.
Memories of him come to my mind constantly, tormenting me, making me sink deeper into the melancholic gulf I've been pushing myself into through all these years with all of my youthful naivety. What he said to me and what he never says. What he's never probably going to say. His figure, familiar, his deep green eyes sparkling with will and bravery as the world was at its knees and he would be the one to put it right. My hero. Everybody's hero. My entire world. I bethink of the times I almost sacrificed my life to save his. Because he deserved it. Because he was the one my foolish young heart belonged to. Sonic. I feel my heart savagely, chaotically hammering beneath my chest as I utter the name, my lips being almost frozen and somewhat blackish with cold as the rain keeps falling down on me like it's keeping me company. Sonic. Emotions change from anger to sadness and from sadness to love, and then once more to anger, that incorrigible internal confusion he caused me starting all over again. Sonic. I saved him, I willingly gave him all of the love, the impartial, selfless love my heart could ever feel. But for one single smile of his my lips would blissfully smile all day long. I forced myself to precosiously taste fear, danger, agony, to fight against all odds, to play hazardous games with death himself for his sake. Because love is to give, without expecting anyting to be given back to you.
I reach the sea, clamber over some steep, jagged rocks, beware of not falling off. I get to the top and stand perfectly still, gazing at the sea, the huge waves pittilessly hitting the rocks, froathing on the shore, erecting threateningly in front of me before thery deafeningly return to where they come from. It smells of salt as I take a deep breath and gaze over at the horizon, who seems to get lost in the dense fog. The wind, strongly blowing as if he is a maniac plays with my dress nonstop, making it wave crazily in the rythm of this inspired natural orchestra.
I love him. I still do, and love makes me break, as a single tear I hopelessly struggled to restrain runs on my cheek. My quills, my face, my dress, my fur, every single part of me is wet, freezing cold. It doesn't really matter. I have suffered the worst pain, both emotionally and physically, and nothing seems to give my life a purpose anymore. I am betrayed. Abandoned by everybody, for I am so badly attached to him I opposed to my friends who told me he was heartless. Thus they got sick and tired of me being humiliated for his sake, desperately running after him. I don't know whether they are right or not. Not even do I know why It is so damn hard for me to live without him. I guess that's just the way I was created to be. A romantic heart. Romantic hearts are not well-accepted in this world who is prone to killing every beautiful thing that dares be born inside it. And so I am cursed to face rejection, that inner pain which gradually devastates me.
A loud scream comes from inside me. Insane, absolutely incensed with myself and its pathetic state, I grab a heavy rock and throw it away into the sea. "I hate you!" I cry out and burst into tears. I hate him; I hate him and love him simultaneously, and the more I feel love filling my entrails with warmth and passion, the more hatred burns inside me, this emotional illness
being a real torture. I want him to die, so that he won't exist anymore to for me love him, and then I curse myself for even thinking of such things, with the utter fear of him not existing one day. Pathetic I am.
"I'm sorry'' I hear an apologizing voice behind me. I needn't turn back. I know it's him. His voice is indefinite, yet with something inside her I cannot make out what it is.
"It's all my fault. I never wanted you to hate me." he continues bashfully. How ridiculous his statements are, how impersonal, without enclosing emotion. I cannot help it but turn and look into his deep green, alluring orbs. He approaches me slowly his look being vacant. He touches my shoulder, not affectionately, just politely. His blue fur is darkened, as it is wet from the
storm. He is shivering cold, but he tries not to show that. My vision is altered because of the salty tears I cannot manage to get rid of, but still I know his facial expression is cold, serious, emotionless, as it always is.
"I don't" I confess, struggling not to break in front of him"That's the problem with me."
He sighs and looks at anywhere but at me, as if he is trying to avoid something. I can't cope with him being right in front of me. It's so painful, I can hardly breathe. His poker, indifferent face. The smooth green ice in his penetrating eyes devastates me. He is stunning. Stunning, perfect and heartless.
"If only you understood, Amy" I hear him saying and I surprisingly start laughing as if I have just heard something exahilarating. Laughter fills the air with melancholy and despair.
I raise my hand incensed, trying to hit him, to show him the pain he has caused to me in order for him to see how it feels, but a strong arm automatically catches mine.
"AMY, STOP!" His look is strict as he yells at me, his eyes reflecting what he really feels for me.
"Just leave me alone..." I whisper complainingly, trying to unleash myself. His arm violently tightens mine.
"Not till you tell me what's wrong with you! I can't cope with you being after me all the time! It's not right to blame me for that!"
That laughter again. Dreadful, mad, devastated. I take a swift glimpse at the sea, then turn back to him. My eyes being lost in his, I take a step back, reaching the edge. The air hit my body mercilessly, worse than a million stabs. My quills wave in the rythm of the storm as the waves attack the rocks behind me.
"It doesn't matter, not anymore. I am all alone, without love, without friends, without hope. You made me like this. And for what? Because I wanted to protect you. I risked my life, I faced the worse fear trying to follow you so that you 'd be okay. I gave it all to you. I lost everything. Don't think I am pathetic, Sonic. Just sick of it."
In front of me he was, I tried to smile, to show I didn't care. I was afraid to look at the water behind me, afraid of what I was going to do. But my heart ached worse than ever.
" The only thing I want you to know is this."
I leaned towards him and led my lips on his, giving him a tender, deep kiss. He instantly kissed back, unconsentously, and I felt his powerful body shiver slightly as it touched mine. I moved away and smiled at his surprised look. I didn't need anything else than his beautiful taste. I stepped back slowly. Still looking at him, I took a deep
breath and let myself fall off the rocks with outstreched hands. No scream escaped my lips; everything happened in total silence, and a distressing cry shouting "NO!" was the only sound to interrupt it. Pain was unbearable as I torn the surface of the water, and it felt as if a billion knifes were stabbing me. I closed my eyes.
I didn't feel nothing. I was vast;Vast and relieved in the peaceful sleep of death. My heart stopped beating, leaving me lifeless, calm as it didn't hurt anymore.
As for you, reader, whoever you are,don't feel sorry for me. I am just a rose, who drifted on unknown, curious to know what being loved is, a girl who lost everything for his sake, an adolescent who decided to cut her life short, as nobody understood her, cursed to die of love, for love, in love.