When I was in love with God,
I never expected such a farewell would come.
If I had known I could never feel your touch again,
I would've hoped to be embraced just one last time.
Darkness was all there was the night before the big battle that was supposed to end it all. No stars twinkling softly in that indigo sky. No moon to cast its soft glow over the lonely earth and its hopeless inhabitants. Silver eyes surveyed the area that was to become the death site of countless people, heart clenching with sadness though his face remained apathetic – no need putting up a cheerful front when no one was around.
Everyone was asleep at this time, resting their weary heads, hoping for victory and safety. No one wanted to die, yet they all knew that they would. It was inevitable. The town had been abandoned, its people evacuated at the command of the Black Order. Beyond the narrow strip of buildings that composed the small town and the rustic dirt roads leading to the small established homes was a stretch of field and forest – perfect venue for a battle – a terrain for everyone's skill set.
A pale hand pushed open a worn wooden door into the small chapel, just out of sight from the Order's encampment. It was ridiculous setting up like in the old days, with dawn marking the beginning of their struggle – what a bloody farce.
There were no pews, no place for a public service, the dust coated and melted wax stained splotches on the wooden floor marking the lack of faith that seemed to hang ominously over the town. Allen's steps echoed against the drab walls of the small chapel as he approached the altar. The air was cold and musty like death and he knew it was an omen of his own inevitable misfortune. As silver eyes traced the wooden cross suspended on the wall behind the altar, Allen bit his lip in frustration.
'Is there no God?' Allen wondered; his faith long eroded. 'How could any higher power allow this kind of destruction? ' Allen had never been a God fearing person, his faith was primarily grounded in Mana, since the clown had been the only thing he had known as a child. Allen's perseverance all these years was built upon his promise to Mana to keep walking forward. Now that Allen had lost his faith in Mana, he'd lost any semblance of belief in the God that Mana claimed existed to keep people safe.
It's long, long goodbye…
"If we are the apostles of God, then why must we fight this war of attrition?" Allen asked the cross softly, "what does this senseless fighting achieve? All these meaningless deaths…" Falling to bended knees in front of the altar in the dark chapel, Allen couldn't stop the tears from falling down his pale cheeks.
"Why must people continue to live and love and lose and die?" Allen asked brokenly. "Is suffering the only way to assure one that they're alive? Is that painful self-destruction what makes us human?" Silver eyes flicker with sadness before hardening in his angered frustration.
"I need answers," Allen said as the chill worked its way through him, so absorbed in his ranting to notice the pair of dark eyes watching him from the doorway. "Give me a reason to keep going. Tell me that what I'm fighting for is worth all the loss and irrevocable grief."
Goodbye, goodbye, I'll say it as many times as it takes.
I tell myself as best I can,
You are waving out of kindness, aren't you?
Now I wish for strength.
Allen was silent as his gaze fell away from the cross, long white locks casting his face into shadows. Crystalline tears trailing delicate rivulets from tarnished silver – too weary and much too lost.
"You're not even there are you?" soft and broken Allen shook his head as he rubbed at the tears in vain attempts to stop them.
"No, there's nothing there," Kanda said, alerting Allen to his presence. Startled silver eyes caught the older male's hard gaze before whipping around, hands furiously rubbing at his face to erase all traces of tears. He couldn't be seen like this when he was supposed to be their white knight – their shining beacon of hope. He just had to push a little harder, to last a bit longer.
"Baka, you know you don't have to hide from me," Kanda muttered as he walked over to the young general. Still Allen bit back his tears, schooling himself into hiding behind his mask. It was Kanda, so he didn't have to try to be cheerful, but he hadn't wanted the samurai to see him crumbling before a God that didn't exist. "You're damn hypocrisy pisses me off, if you want to cry like a child then don't stop on my account. Seeing you bite it back is ten fucking times worse."
I met you, the stars sparkled and I was born.
I love you, therefore I am.
Waiting for a hopeless miracle, what will become of me?
Through my tear-filled vision, the planet's twinkle is gone.
The words were cold but Allen knew Kanda meant no malice. It was ridiculous but this was the way Kanda showed that he cared. Heaving a sigh Allen cracked a weary smile as he gazed up at Kanda.
"You followed me?" Allen asked.
"Che, don't think so highly of yourself," Kanda scoffed.
"So you came to pray though you just claimed that there was nothing to pray to?" Allen asked cocking a brow. Even as the older male scowled, Allen knew that Kanda had followed him. For the past couple of months the older male was never far. He claimed it was just to make sure that Allen didn't somehow lose control and let the Noah in him take over, but in all reality he was worried for the smaller boy. He had seen Allen breaking since the ark and a lot had happened since then.
"Che," Kanda muttered as he pulled Allen up from the ground. "Don't humble yourself if you don't believe there is anything, it's just stupid."
"Kanda," Allen said softly as he leaned into the older male. Kanda said nothing simply wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. They weren't romantically involved, or so Kanda had claimed.
"It's not love baka," Kanda said "this feeling, whatever it is, isn't love."
Even so Allen had felt that burning need he couldn't describe as anything but love. He'd sought warmth and strength in Kanda, more times than he could remember. And here, within what was supposed to be a testament of faith, he clung to that warmth in desperation.
"It's all going to be over tomorrow, whichever side wins it'll all be over," Allen said.
"Che, we can just not go and hope they all kill each other," Kanda said, though he knew the boy too well for the suggestion to be serious. They both knew that whether or not they died tomorrow, they already didn't have any time left. The lotus's last petal was just waiting for a final fatal wound to wither and take its cursed owner with it.
Allen's struggle against the fourteenth had been difficult but he'd managed to suppress him with sheer will power, boldly declaring, "I won't let you have this!" but even so he was going to die from his innocence, whether it drains him of the last of his life's energy or if it disappears at the end of the war. There was no way around it.
They were both so very weary – warriors fighting a battle that they couldn't even comprehend the reason behind – pure chaos meant to destroy and give rise to something new perhaps? A new world where none of this unexplainable anarchy existed.
But for now there was this, and they had no idea if what they were fighting for would even resemble such a world.
"Kanda please," Allen whispered, hands running up the male's back, fingers splayed across the fabric of his jacket, wanting contact – needing to solidify his purpose in Kanda, much like he was sure the male was doing as a calloused hand slowly traced a path from Allen's cheek down his jaw and across his neck.
Slow deliberate movements.
Silver eyes locked with cobalt ones, drowning in their intensity. A hand moved from his slender waist, working out the buttons of his coat 'till it hung loose from his small frame. Shuddering as the same hand snaked under his shirt, tracing the contours of his back, Allen's coat slid to the floor.
"Nnngh," Allen groaned softly as he nuzzled into the crook of Kanda's neck while making a quick work on the older male's jacket, nipping gently at the black markings stretching up from his chest.
"Mmm," a low guttural, almost purring sound rumbled from within Kanda as he shrugged the jacket the rest of the way off. More sinfully slow movements and whispers of cloth pass – time a slow trickling molasses. Hands and mouths ravishing with a devilish kind of ferocity as the two basked in the warm glow of each other's body.
They've done this before; touching, exploring, searching the expanses of smooth marble skin. It had always been slow, never rushed or bruising. Sinking slowly against each other, almost drowning in a kind of ritualistic pleasure that was intense and passionate, yet far more intimate than casual sex could ever be.
Gasping and panting, ragged breaths filled the lonely chapel. Silver sought cobalt, silently begging for the sweet and penetrating contact. A smirk, a kiss and then they were falling into each other again. Hot friction and rapidly beating hearts building towards madness in the agonizingly leisurely motions.
'Don't ever let me go,' Allen thought as he clung to the older male, hands spiralling sensuously over his back and shoulders. He wouldn't speak the words he knew would only cause a frown to mar the delicate features above him – it was hopeless after all, once morning came.
Waves of blissful abandon shook through the two as their dance came to an end. Still hands flitted over flesh, and lips feathered up necks and over jaws to softly panting mouths.
'This is goodbye isn't it?' And still, he didn't speak the words he knew he couldn't say as arms wrapped around him in a secure embrace. Morning would soon be upon them and this would all be over. Silver glanced up, a soft smile tugging at his flushed cheeks; his eyes were closed and for once he looked content – an expression only Allen had ever been privy to.
Leaning up, pale lips brushed against Kanda's in an innocent gesture of affection. His eyes opened, cobalt storms capturing soft silver clouds before capturing the same blush pink lips with his.
'I love you,' he thought as eyes closed, resting for the few remaining hours before this 'goodbye' would become just another memory hitched in time.
I can't ever forget your warmth,
Your kindness and your hands that enveloped everything.
With dawn came the battle he'd not wanted to wake to. The violent and brutal war would be at an end with this final stand. In no time at all, the amounts of losses were piling up on each side. Bloodied and battered bodies joining the fray, all fighting for something that is always just out of reach.
Cobalt eyes narrowed as the swordsman gracefully moved through his enemies, the foul creatures breaking to release their morbid souls – finally free. It was as if it were staged, the precise footing and the graceful arcs of Mugen's blade in the air.
Kanda had taken out a Noah before, so when Tyki approached him, he attacked without giving it a second thought – those damnably smug golden eyes would lose their shine to his blade. He wouldn't let the man run away like he had back in Edo, this would be their last encounter. Blades clashing and blood spilling, the two fought fiercely.
More blood and then a fatal wound, body unable to heal any longer, Kanda lashed out, Mugen slicing straight through the Noah. The gray body fell to the ground, just another lost to the war. Cobalt eyes dilated, body swaying as Mugen fell from his hands.
From across the field Allen cast a glance towards Kanda's crumbling body, heart aching as he wished to run to his side. Fighting back the tears that threatened to obscure his vision, Allen pushed on, clown belt extending in all directions, shattering akuma and saving the souls he'd worked so hard for all these years. He'd soon meet his end as well – it was just a matter of time.
Rhode was the most difficult, how was one supposed to kill a dream? During the fight, Allen lost all bearing and darkness consumed him. Still, his innocence forced him on, a lonely puppet dancing a destructive tale on the stage he'd been chained to.
Even as Rhode's body fell and he attacked the Earl, Allen wasn't aware of anything but the need to keep going 'till his last breath. He didn't even register when he'd destroyed the Earl in that same lonely chapel he'd spent his last night in, or when the building collapsed upon him and he finally stopped moving forward.
It's long, long goodbye
Bleary silver eyes woke to the steady beeping of the electrocardiogram in the Black Order's sanatorium. Blinking as his vision cleared, Allen became acutely aware of the various machines surrounding him, and even more so of the hundreds of cords and tubes that he followed back to his body from those machines. Heart beat accelerating in shock at the situation, Allen tried to move only to find that his limbs wouldn't respond to his pleas. He was in the intensive care unit, that was obvious, but why had he survived? Why was he still here? Where was everyone else? Had he been the only one to survive?
Shaking the unpleasant thoughts from his head, Allen closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing. 'I can't be panicking now,' he thought as he pushed aside the millions of questions thrashing about his mind.
"Allen, you're awake!" a vaguely familiar voice sounded from his left; "thank goodness." When the teary eyed, smiling face of Lou Fa came into view, a wave of minor relief washed over him.
"Bak! Allen's awake!" Lou Fa called to which said blonde haired scientist busted through the doors, eyes wide and tears in his eyes as well.
"Where is-" Allen coughed, throat feeling dry and raw, as if rubbed raw with sandpaper.
"We're in the town hospital, you've been out for almost a month," Bak said, "we thought you weren't going to wake up." Silver eyes widened to the size of tea saucers. 'A month!' Allen thought in dismay as he began wondering about everyone else. Were they alright? What had happened with the war? All the questions he'd managed to suppress had bubbled up with a new vengeance as Allen whimpered, head aching at the whirlwind of thoughts tumbling about in his mind.
"Allen, calm down," Bak ordered as he noted the spike in Allen's ECG readings.
"Everyone…where?" Allen choked out, feeling the dreadful feeling in the pit of his stomach worsen.
Goodbye, goodbye, beloved one.
I came this far because you were here.
I wasn't alone, was I?
Now, I long for answers.
"The war is over," Bak said looking down, "there are just barely a handful of survivors. You're the only exorcist to- the Earl was beaten but the Vatican was also. There is no clear winner since both sides wiped each other out." Allen's eyes filled with tears, as he tried to comprehend the situation.
"All the innocence is…your innocence protected you, we found you after it was over and you went into cardiac arrest after your innocence deactivated…we didn't think we'd be able to stabilize you but somehow we managed," Bak said. "I'm sorry, Allen."
"Your heart is damaged and we've been trying to find a means of fixing it without the use of the innocence, but…" Bak sighed, unable to continue with the news that was probably obvious by now. With the end of the war, the innocence had all dissolved along with the dark matter that had made up the akuma – the power was gone, but that also meant that the miracle that had saved Allen's life when Tyki had punctured a hole in his heart was also gone. Allen's death was just being postponed.
It was a horrible existence; to be living when all the family you'd ever had was dead and the only reason for living was also gone. Allen was just a body, he no longer had the means to support himself – it was utterly degrading for a warrior to be in such a state.
"It's over, Allen. Just rest and leave everything to us," Lou Fa said, smiling softly as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Reality was a cruel thing, leaving people lonesome and useless when all they wanted was to die and join their fallen comrades. Allen closed his weary eyes, listening as footsteps retreated from the room and leave him to brood in his silence.
Just a few scathing members left from what was once a large organization of warriors for God, how blissfully pitiful. 'Last living exorcist and I can barely breathe,' Allen thought as he glared at the machine monitoring his heart rate, 'I don't want to live like this.' The tears spilled over pale cheeks in an unrelenting stream of grief.
'I guess this is goodbye then,' Allen thought as he lay hooked up to the millions of little wires keeping him functioning. 'It's only natural, right? To say goodbye?' Even so the word refused to register as he repeated it in his mind 'till it lost its meaning.
Allen took a deep breath through the tube keeping his trachea from collapsing, before ripping the needles and tubes from his body. The blaring of the machines fell on deaf ears as Allen dragged his body from the bed, falling to the floor as he sought to find the stability he'd lost from his legs over his month of stasis. He knew he didn't have much time now that he'd removed the things that had been supporting his dwindling life – he wanted to see it, the world that he'd fought so hard to create.
As he dragged his broken body through the halls, he found the outside to be just as cold and gray as he remembered. Nothing had changed; it was the same violent and desperate world he'd see as he fell on the battlefield.
Catch a falling star that looks ablazed and light a fire,
I still want to love, I still want to be loved.
What good is a lone freezing body to this world?
I long for you to finally drop your act.
A mirthless laugh escaped pale lips as Allen trudged down the street, passing people no more cheerful, no less pained by their existence. He kept walking until he came upon a large black granite monument. A commemoration of all those lost to the battle that humanity would never learn of. The cursed boy found it funny that they had been fighting all these years for their souls when these people were selling them for crap in the streets.
A flicker of memory passed through Allen's mind as he recalled how he'd just wanted to die. He'd seen Kanda fall and then he'd continued fighting. Even when his body was too broken to move, his innocence forced him onwards 'till the very end.
Allen had seen every single one of them fall, his heart bleeding for them. The Black Order had been his home, and the people that had died before his eyes had been his family. What good did it do? Everyone was dead and for what? Nothing had changed. Silver eyes built with tears, sniffling as he tried to hold them back.
'Lenalee, Lavi, Komui...everyone...I couldn't save any of them,' Allen thought bitterly as he recalled how everyone's faces had looked when they were alive, then how soulless and broken they'd looked, sprawled unceremoniously on the blood stained earth – it was sickening, the repulsion quickly being replaced by anger and frustration. 'What good is a single useless exorcist, in a world that never even knew we existed?'
"It's over," Allen said softly as he stood before the monument erected for all the nameless fallen warriors. "Kanda, if only I'd known, then perhaps I could have taken you up on that offer – we didn't make a difference. It's all the same and I doubt it'll ever change." Coughs wracked Allen's body as he choked out blood, struggling to remain standing.
"If only I'd have been stronger," Allen coughed, blood spattering against his bandaged hand.
Allen cried, shuddering as the chilly morning air whipped around him. Images of Kanda began to play in his head like an old film reel.
Why is it? My tears overflow and they can't stop.
"If I'd never met you then I would never have made it this far…always drawing me out from behind my mask," Allen whispered as he collapsed, unable to remain standing. Body lying against the cold stone and hand clutching the fabric over his heart, he curled his knees to his chest.
"I don't have much time left…I'll never forget you" Allen said, reaching out his fingers to touch the stone monument as he thought fondly of his last night with Kanda. "It wasn't a dream right? I wasn't alone was I? You were there the whole time." A soft sigh escaped dry lips as Allen's eyes closed.
"I'll never get the answers I long for, but just the same I still want you. I know you said it wasn't love, that it could never be love, but doesn't it burn with the same intensity?" A violent cough shook Allen's body as he crumbled in on himself, shivering "if by some miracle we're reincarnated... please find me..."
As the light faded from his tunnelling vision, Allen succumbed to the darkness, wishing that he'd not have to be alone.
I met you, the stars sparkled and I was born.
I love you, therefore I am.
Waiting for a hopeless miracle, what will become of me?
Through my tear-filled vision, the planet's twinkle is gone.
Centuries pass and the world changes. Lives are snuffed out and others a reborn. Sometimes the universe feels pity on souls yearning for each other lost to the sands of time and their great sacrifice may be rewarded. In a world where exists neither innocence nor dark matter, battles long forgotten, humans live their lives as always. Much has changed over the centuries, not enough to be of significant note when closely inspected, but enough to mask the last century with a new face.
Even so they haven't changed. Born over into this new world that is just as gray as the last.
Silver stardust eyes looked up into the overcast sky, noting the heavy rainclouds hovering in the distance. He'd walked these streets many times and looked to the sky almost as frequently, but never could he remember what he was looking for, why he would follow this tedious pattern of aimless walking and sky gazing.
He brushed past bustling people hurrying to get out of the streets before the ominous looking clouds released rain upon the earth. He was in no hurry; he rather liked the rain for the tranquillity it brought to his often taught senses.
Dark cobalt eyes glanced at the darkening sky, noting the nearing clouds. It would rain shortly. Picking up his pace he brushed past people hurrying about on the streets. He rather disliked the rain, for some reason, he couldn't find his peace when the rain was falling and pattering against the ground. The soft sounds disrupting his thoughts and increasing his agitation.
He didn't even know why he bothered to walk these streets every day. He didn't care for people, and he didn't need anything from any of the stores. Even so, he found himself walking down this same street day after day.
In a brief moment of passing, shoulders brushed and cobalt met apologetic silver. Time seemed to stop as a calloused hand shot out, wrapping around a pale wrist.
Delicate white brows knitted together as the boy sought recognition in the stormy eyes before him, noting the peculiar fact that the other wore a similar expression. They'd never before crossed paths on this street though they walked it every day. They didn't know why or how, but somehow, the warmth in the calloused hand felt right, and the cherubic face staring up from a couple inches shorter seemed so familiar.
If we're reborn and meet again someday,
Surely you'll find me then.
Catch me and never let go of me.
I wish the planet would whisper to me that I'm not alone…
A single drop of rain landed on the pale cheek and both eyes were drawn to the sky and the rain poured down around them. A soft smile lit the boy's infantile face while a scowl marred the older male's face as the chilled liquid seeped into their clothing and time returned to normal.
A/N: This fic was requested by a1y-puff. The song is Diamond Crevasse from Macross Frontier. It's a really beautiful song and I urge everyone to listen to it sometime.
You can also thank the lack of mistakes to a1y-puff since she edited it for me.
I hope everyone enjoys it.
Anyway thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.
Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)