Meant To Be Alone

Summary: They've asked too much of her this time. WARNING: Character Death/Suicide.

Disclaimer: BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.

Timeline: Immediately after season 2. Angel has been sucked into Acathla.

Warning: Angst galore. Character Death/Suicide.


May 19, 1998

To any future Slayer,

I am writing this letter to all of you to keep you from making the same mistakes I did. When John Merrick first approached me to tell me of my destiny as the Vampire Slayer, I fought him every step of the way, trying to hold onto the illusion of a normal life. Let me tell you right now, if you have been Called, you can't have a normal life anymore and the more you fight it, the more others will suffer. Just as Merrick did. He died because I didn't let him train me properly.

Now you would think that I would have learned my lesson after that, but I didn't. Once I defeated Lothos and his army of minions, I thought I fulfilled my duty and they couldn't ask me for more. Boy was I wrong. If I hadn't been trying to hold onto that normal life, I wouldn't have had to stick around after the fire. I could have just disappeared into the night. Since people couldn't accept the truth about my actions, they committed me to care for my 'crazy delusions'.

I finally lied to get them to let me out, only to find that I lost my father. Oh, he didn't die like Merrick, but the trouble from my activities caused too much friction between him and my mother and they divorced. And so we headed to the only school she could find in California who would take someone that burned down their last school's gym. Still I held onto the hope that I was free. But they had other plans for me.

Who are 'they' you ask? I'm not certain, other than higher powers that messed up our lives by forcing this burden on us. Somehow they decided that our lives weren't important enough to leave alone so they turned us into their warriors to battle the world's nightmares. And as much as you might want to rail against them for their cruelty, don't. Save the anger and betrayal you feel to help you kill those nightmares.

The new school that had accepted me had a surprise waiting there…a Hellmouth. I'm sure your Watcher can tell you all about it. Listen to him or her. That's what they are there for – to give you information and to help train you to fight. I didn't make it one day before the evil surrounding the Hellmouth dragged me back into this endless war.

Here we get to the most important lesson I can pass onto you. The Council is right about making attachments. We are only pawns in this and can't afford to risk other people by dragging them down with us. This includes your Watcher. Do your duty, but stay detached. If they don't see you as a person, they are less likely to get involved in your fights. Let them live to teach the next girl…'cause there'll always be a next one.

When they say to avoid family or friendships, listen to them. I didn't and lost everyone, one way or another. Duty has to come first and feelings will just get in the way. I once told Kendra – the Slayer that came after I died for a few minutes at the hands of the Master – that feelings were what made me a better Slayer. I have no clue if that's true or not, but the point is it doesn't matter. If you live a week or if you live 10 years, your time is not your own. It belongs to them. So don't ask anyone to grieve for you when you die. The best way to do that is to make sure no one is close enough to care.

Today I had to give up the last thing they could ask of me. My mother couldn't handle the truth of my life…again and kicked me out when I had to stop the latest Big Bad, Angelus. My school principal expelled me when he found me over the body of Kendra before he had the police try to arrest me for her murder. Meanwhile, those friends I mentioned earlier were in a hospital, recovering from injuries they got by trying to help me. My Watcher had been captured and tortured by Angelus to get him to explain how to awaken Acathla.

A messenger from them came to me to explain how it was my fault this was happening because Angel and I weren't ever supposed to fall in love. You see, it was my love that set Angelus free of his prison inside Angel. I gave him his moment of perfect happiness and broke the curse placed on him by gypsies over a hundred years ago. To be honest, I still don't understand what the point of that curse was, but it doesn't matter anymore. Both Angel and Angelus are gone.

Angelus and I were fighting and I was about to end his life, when they had to take one last thing from me. Before I could finish him off and end the threat, his soul returned to him and Angel knelt before me in confusion, not remembering the past few months as Angelus. As we held each other, Acathla started to awaken and only Angel's blood could close him again. That is what they asked of me. Not to kill Angelus to save the world, but to kill the love of my life.

So I did what they asked.

But I can't do this anymore. They have finally broken me by asking for too much. This is why I beg you not to care for anyone. It may not help you live longer; in fact, you may die sooner because of it. But no one should have to feel the agony that I'm feeling right now. It is too much to ask of anyone.

Buffy Anne Summers

P.S. To the Watchers Council: I know I wasn't a good Slayer, but I ask you anyway to pass this along to the others. Maybe they can learn from my mistakes.


The Next Day…

When Buffy didn't arrive at the school with the others, they checked with Joyce to see if she was at home. After she said they'd had a fight the night before and she hadn't returned, they went to the last place they knew she had been.

There were signs of her fight with Angelus throughout the area and next to the statue was where they found her. In one hand was the letter she had written and the other had fallen limply to her side after she had pierced her heart with a dagger – a fitting tribute to how her love had died at her hand as well.


A/N: Oi! I was feeling in a dark place tonight and hoped that this would excise the yuckiness.