Thanks to my lovely new beta reader, SanitySleeping on deviantart!
The year is 3269 and the planet earth has long been uninhabitable. Thankfully, humans were able to escape onto other planets, continuing to live on as nomad tribes on spaceships and mingling with life forms from other planets and galaxies.
One of the surviving clans is the Uchiha clan. Well, scratch that; the Uchiha clan was wiped out by none other than Itachi Uchiha himself, handsome genius and better than his brother, if he may say so.
But why are we talking about the fate of one extinct clan when we could talk about the fate of the remaining clans? We'll get there, I promise.
Anyway – with the humans moving into space, civil wars broke out in the universe; some did not like those self-centered humans now living on their planets, others really wanted them (cheap labour, hell yeah) and they got handed around more than the latest playboy magazine in a boy's school.
It was during this time of the civil wars that Itachi Uchiha killed his clan, who was planning to sell out the humans to gain a better status in the Intergalactic Federation. Afterwards, he was approached by a mysterious organisation called A.K.A.T.S.U.K.I. (nobody really knew what the letters stood for though) and persuaded to join them.
Now, the goals of Akatsuki were as arguable as the domination of the universe could be – Akatsuki didn't really believe they were villains. They had a dream, after all. Well, at least their leader did.
And so, Itachi worked with his partner Kisame from Mist Planet – a strange fellow who reminded Itachi of a shark, but apparently that was normal for people from Mist, where Kisame was actually considered good-looking.
In the beginning phase of their quest for universe domination, when their plans were still so secret that not even the leader knew what they were yet, they operated in pairs. Most of the members had never actually met the others because they usually communicated through hologram projectors. Because they were tight on money, their projectors sucked, and so they only came out as shadows. They blamed Kakuzu for being stingy.
Anyway. On the 32nd day of the 13th month, they decided it was time for an annual works outing, giving Kakuzu a heart attack, and arranged a meet-up on Planet X, the planet which was farthest away from the political center of the universe.
And that's where our story begins.
"The Limping Lion" was a dirty little tavern in the middle of the desert on Planet X. It was the "hip" tavern for all outlaws, criminals and bounty hunters alike; that was why Kakuzu liked it. Who said he couldn't earn money on their company outing?
Yes. He was a bounty hunter, originating on planet Taki; like most of his rather rare species, he had dark skin that he could harden when needed, red eyes with green pupils and hid his body inside his Akatsuki uniform, a mask and headgear.
Sitting beside him was his partner, Hidan; Hidan came from Yuu, a planet ruled by the religion of Jashin. He was very strict about his religion, always wearing his rosary. He slurped his drink obnoxiously, gesturing with his hand. "So like, why the fuck do we even have to meet up? There better be hot chicks in our organisation."
"Did you know," Kakuzu replied dryly, "that what you're drinking consists of puréed lion testicles on vodka?"
Hidan spat out his drink, turning positively green in the face. "Ugh, I'm gonna throw up! Who the hell serves shit like that?!"
"It's this place's specialty." Kakuzu sippd his water calmly. "Why else would you think the lion is limping?"
"This is so fucking gross, seriously."
The teleporter in the corner of the tavern lit up, and immediately all eyes turned to the newcomer. Obviously, Kakuzu and Hidan weren't the only people waiting for someone.
"I told you we'd be late, brat."
"It's not my fault, yeah."
"Aw, crap," Hidan whined. "I thought it might be a hot chick, but it's just Blondie and the robot."
"Just for your information," Kakuzu provided, "the way you emphasize wanting a chick makes me suspect that you're actually gay."
"Homosexuality is against Jashin, you fag!"
"Everything seems to be against Jashin. Including being intelligent."
By that time, the newcomers had made their way towards Kakuzu's and Hidan's table; they were Sasori of Planet Sand, the most high-tech robot one would be able to find, and Deidara, a young man from Rock Planet. They sat down opposite of the other pair, Sasori in the corner. "Please note that I am going to show my disinterest in this meeting and dislike for all of you by going into standby mode now." And the last they heard of him was "bleep".
"Such a grouch, hm." Deidara rolled his eyes. "Hello, you two. What's up?"
"Nothing." Hidan smirked, shoving his glass over to the other. "Here, drink this, you look thirsty."
Deidara snorted. "Do I look stupid or something? That's puréed lion testicles on vodka; only an idiot would not know that."
Hidan looked at the tabletop uncomfortably and, knowing his partner too well for his own good, elbowed Kakuzu. "Stop laughing, jackass!"
The teleporter lit up again, and seconds later Kisame and Itachi were at the table, the slimmer Itachi sitting down next to Hidan and the broader Kisame squeezing in next to Deidara. "It's getting tight in here, isn't it? Oh, by the way, I'm Kisame. I know Deidara and Sasori, so you guys must be Kakuzu and Hidan."
"That is correct." Kakuzu studied the two latest additions to their bunch. "Then that is Itachi Uchiha, the murderer of the Uchiha clan?"
"What's so fascinating about that?" Deidara scowled at them. "So what if he killed his clan? I blew up a planet three weeks ago! Isn't that so, Sasori?"
All of a sudden, something rumbled and the table shook before someone climbed out from underneath it – a black and white man with venus flytrap-like things growing out of his cloak.
"You could've used the fucking teleporter, Zetsu!" Hidan glared at the plant man from Planet Grass. "You scared the shit out of me!"
"But then I wouldn't be able to tell you that Itachi stepped in dog poo on the way here," Zetsu said calmly. Itachi, in response, shifted uncomfortably, trying to subtly look at the bottom of his sandals, except there was no way to do this subtly.
The room lit up one last time, announcing the arrival of their last members – two women; a shorter one with orange hair and strange grey eyes and a taller one with blue hair.
Hidan whistled. "Come to papa, Bluey!"
Kakuzu stepped on his foot pointedly. "You don't wanna mess with her, idiot."
"What?" He blinked innocently. "The table is full; she'll have to sit on my lap…"
"I warn you," said the blue-haired woman tonelessly. "I bite."
"Maybe I like being bitten." Hidan wiggled his eyebrows, earning himself a disgusted look.
"She means it literally," Kakuzu whispered to him. "She has teeth."
"Yes, Kakuzu, I know you're ugly so you might not know many women, but all of them have teeth."
"Stop hitting on Konan," said the orange-haired girl, pointing a lazer gun at Hidan's head. "Or I will kill you."
"Kill me? Me?" he glared at her. "I'd like to see you fucking try, girly!"
"Could all of you just be quiet, hm?"
" – and then I use their swords as toothpicks."
"I see, so that is how you keep your teeth so clean… we sometimes have problems after some meals."
"No, Itachi, we will not provide you with new sandals. Just clean them, it's cheaper."
"I am Itachi Uchiha, I do not clean my sandals."
"If you, Itachi Uchiha, stepped in dog shit, then hell yes, you are going to clean your sandals."
" – you fucking bitch! You shot me in the head! Do you know how long that takes to heal?!"
"Just drop dead!"
"I said quiet! KATSU!"
You see, the A.K.A.T.S.U.K.I. organisation was not feared for no reason. Even though it was full of morons, they were strong – so strong that a single member could take out a tavern full of criminals with one word.
"Oh my God," Kisame groaned, crawling out from under the ruins of the tavern. "I'm dehydrating. Water. Water!"
"Kakuzu, would you see it fit now to buy me a new uniform?" Itachi asked, ridding his body of the burned remnants of his cloak.
"Yes. Except for the sandals, they're fine." Kakuzu sighed, taking off his cloak. The explosion had blown away his mask and headgear and part of his cloak.
"Sorry 'bout that, hm." Deidara paused, trying to gather pieces of Sasori. "Um… do you think it matters on which side I put his arms? I have this left-right weakness…"
"Bleep," answered Sasori.
"Holy shit, she does have teeth down there! And she's not wearing underwear… Oh, ew. I think I'm turning gay now."
Konan looked down at her feet; Hidan's bodiless head was lying between them, looking sort of green in the face. She gave him a swift kick. "Ass. You try finding underwear that won't get bitten through."
"Hey! Hey, Kakuzu, find my body!"
"Hey, has anyone seen Zetsu?"
"Probably moved somewhere else, that coward…"
"Deidara!" Pain's female body glared at the blond. "This is all your fault. Where is your self control? A.K.A.T.S.U.K.I. are always calm and collected, get it? You blew up our only chance to get out of here, are you aware of this?"
"Haha," Hidan laughed, "Blondie's getting chewed out! Ow!"
"If I were you, I wouldn't be laughing." Kakuzu glared, using his threads to sew Hidan's head back onto his body. "You owe me for this."
Hidan grinned sheepishly. "Err, I'm kinda broke… Can I pay with prayers for your soul?"
Kakuzu's eyes narrowed.
"Err, I guess that's a no…"
"You will pay for it with your body then."
"Oh my God," Hidan cried out, "Kakuzu's going to rape me with his tentacles! Help!"
"…I mean you're going to work it off, idiot." Kakuzu sighed. "Keep my threads out of your perverted fantasies."
"Hey Kakuzu, you're here sometimes, right? What's the next town?"
Kakuzu stayed silent for a moment. "There… there is no next town."
"…Are you serious?" Hidan's jaw dropped. "No town whatsoever? Not even a teleportation station?! An airport?!"
"Not that I know of." Kakuzu sighed running a tan hand through his hair. "Did we all get here by teleporter?"
"We came with a space capsule, but it got destroyed along with the tavern," informed Konan.
"Brilliant. What about Sasori – can't we use him to contact a spaceship?"
Deidara looked up from the mess he had been trying to repair. Sasori's arms were conveniently glued his body with clay, the outward thumbs indicating that the blond had indeed put them on backwards. "Um…"
"I guess that's a no."
"Pain," Konan said softly, "can't you communicate with your other bodies?"
But Pain wasn't saying anything; her eyes twitched a few times before she opened her mouth, screeching noises that sounded like a modem came out of it. "The person you are calling is not available at present. Please try again later."
"Seems like she's not getting any signal," Konan mused, meaning Pain's piercings. "I guess you are right then. We're stuck."
Wind blew through the desert, whirling up sand and messing up Deidara's and Itachi's precious hair. Sasori's joints creaked.
"We can't be stuck here," Hidan suddenly exclaimed, "I'll pray to Jashin-sama, he'll get us out of here in no time, seriously!" He rammed a pike – nobody knew where he had suddenly gotten that – into his chest and fell over, deeply engaged in his prayer.
Silence. Kisame and Itachi exchanged confused looks, Deidara tried to figure out which way Sasori's feet needed to be put on. Konan turned Pain in various ways, trying to figure out a way to get a signal. Kakuzu sighed, looking away from all the insanity.
Something caught his attention; there was something in the sky, and it was approaching fast. Could it be a starship? If so, chances were high that it was Pain's ship – maybe his other bodies were following now that they had no signal from the female one anymore…
The spaceship landed not too far from them, and Kakuzu held his breath. Who would it be? He did not recognize the ship at all.
A strange fellow with a long green scarf and an orange mask stepped out of the ship, waving frantically. "Hi guys! Can I join Akatasuki now?"