A/N: This is my first FanFic. Please be aware my native language is German. We have slightly different grammar rules, especially for direct speech. And it's been a while since I have written any stories. But I am capable of learning if you help me ;-)

I don't own Twilight *sob*.


Chapter 1 – (Distraction) – Emmett's POV

I stared at the cracks in the wall of the classroom. There were many cracks – although the humans in this room couldn't see them. Only my perfect eyes were able to detect the fine lines. And I welcomed them for distraction, imagining patterns or figures. What else should I do besides staring out of the window? I already new all the answers on the sheet lying in front of me on my table. It would take me about four minutes to write them down. But it would make her suspicious if I handed in after a few minutes while all my classmates needed almost an hour. So I kept playing the charade and pretended to be thinking about the answers for my exam. Sighing now and then, tapping my fingers on the table and scribbling something down while the professor glanced over her freightened students, smiling contentedly. Good marks won't come easy this time. She made sure of that. Well, at least not for them.

At times like these, I envied what my brothers and sisters were able to do. Especially Edward. But he never seemed to understand. Instead, he got angry every time I dared to mention it after another couple of long boring hours of exams. You think it's funny sitting in class for hours while twenty different minds are constantly whining about how difficult the exam is? How mean the teacher, asking about stuff that's not in the book? You know it's funny knowing their regrets that they were watching TV, going out or getting laid the night before instead of studying? You think it's funny listening to the constant pleas for a good mark? Listening to their worries about what would happen if they fail? How their parents will react? What the consequences will be? That they won't get the new car for Christmas if they don't get an A? Sometimes, he couldn't stop himself for several minutes. He hated his gift at such days and the fact he wasn't always able to tune all voices out (while he fucking didn't mind his gift at all during playing chess or poker with us).

I got his point. Somehow. He used to say that humans wallowed in self-pity, vulgar predictability and anger instead of concentrating on their task and succeeding. That they were thinking all the time they were not beautiful, not tall, not intelligent, not cool or strong enough; always complaining about every little thing, about every injustice that happened to them instead doing something to change it. That they didn't appreciate their life and their privileges of being human, that they didn't appreciate the love of their families and friends. That they just wanted to be better and cooler and more beautiful while having more money, the faster car and the bigger house than everyone else. That they constantly tried to trick other people. But I knew better.

I knew it bothered him that he had to see and hear stuff that people shouldn't know about. Stuff that people wanted to keep for themselves and no one else. And by that I didn't mean remembering what I did with Rose last night or Jaspers constant thinking of Alice kissing and caressing him. Or the thoughts of my pretty Rosalie getting dressed in front of her mirror (which was fine by me because she was the most beautiful person that existed in this world. I wouldn't mind watching her getting dressed and admiring herself; staring at her amazing half-naked silhouette in the mirror). Or Alice's excitement about going shopping later and deciding for hours what she should be wearing. He didn't only see and hear a lot about vanity and wicked or vulgar minds. Or sex. Because people were constantly thinking of sex (I knew that from experience. Ok, quite understandable while he was annoyed with that. He never had any sexual stuff going on in his life. But most girls around him were thinking about doing nasty stuff to HIM anyway, not doing it to someone else. So that couldn't be so bad?).

He also knew a lot about pain, misery and suffering. I had even witnessed some of these tragedies. Like the one about the skinny blonde girl who was thinking of committing suicide during Biology a few years ago. Edward had to hear her thoughts how she wanted to do it and when and where for over almost two hours. And he could see how she imagined cutting her wrists in her bathtub at home later this evening; watching the blood dripping onto the surface of the warm water until she felt dizzy. How her parents would find her and sob over her lifeless body. How her ex-boyfriend would blame himself because he cheated on her. And although Edward felt sorry for this girl wanting to end her life, he almost couldn't stop himself from attacking because she was imagining her oozing blood in living and beautiful shades of red. Which made him fucking thirsty like hell and almost losing control. She was lucky we all went hunting a few days before and Jasper wasn't in school that day. Who knows if he could have handled her pain and Edward's inner turmoil and thirsty excitement while sitting in the same classroom. Alice did a great job taking her outside during lunch and talking her into seeing a therapist the same day. Carlisle made sure she got all the help she needed.

Of course, that was a bad experience. And there were many others, I was sure about that. But still. How I wished I had the gift of mind reading right now. Just being able to tune in and listenting to meaningless chatter for half an hour. Like adjusting a radio. Even if there were only whining or vulgar thoughts – actually, I didn't care about the vulgar ones; I guess I would pretty much enjoy them. And if I couldn't have Edward's gift for the next few hours, than at least the one of my other brother. It would be fucking funny playing with Jaspers ability during the exam. Just messing around a bit with the anxiety in this classroom. Throwing a bit of love and lust on everyone and watching a good amount of funny human behavior. That's kinda mean, I know. But it would be better than sitting here and thinking of her all the time.

Thinking of her pale skin and lovely blush when she felt embarassed – which happened a lot. Of her mahogany hair and chocolate brown eyes. The subtle hint of freesia and strawberrys. Her small pink pout when she didn't get what she wanted. How she bit her bottom lip while thinking or reading or writing – yeah, she bit her lip a lot. And she stumbled a lot. She was fun and pretty – and she wasn't afraid of us. Hell, she even wanted to be one of us. She was just adorable. And she loved him. Despite all the differences, difficulties and dangerous situations they came across. She would have given up everything, even her own family, to join us and spend eternity with him. And he just fucking destroyed everything. She gave him her love, her heart, and he just took it and crushed it. He destroyed her life, his "life" (whatever that was he had before he met her) and our family.

I sighed again. How I missed my little human sister. I definitely needed more distraction. This one wasn't working. I took the wrong subject again.


Later that evening, I went hunting. Not because it was necessary. Hunting was my way to deal with stress. It occupied my senses and my brain for a while. Of course, I couldn't hunt all night. So eventually, the thoughts infiltrating my brain all day came back. And lately, I even had some difficulties not to think about this disaster while hunting. I shuddered at the thought that I was becoming like Edward.

In my family, I have always been "the funny one". Edward was the brooding type, musically talented and able to read minds. Alice was the chirping pixie; always happy, cheerful and enthusiastic and blessed with visions. Carlisle was the intelligent one with a strong power to resist human blood. A loving father, guiding and helping us and everyone else who needed advice. Esme was our loving mother who just wanted us to be happy, no matter what stupid choice we made. Creative and patient. Jasper was the Empath, a good listener, having the skills of sensing and adjusting emotions, and my Rose was the stunning beauty. Sexy as hell and dangerous. Able to pimp and repair every ride and giving you shit if you deserved it. She always would say what was on her mind. But under her guy attitude, she was adorable and a caring person. I loved her. I would have died for her (although this task was quite difficult in my current state).

I was just the funny big brother guy. Protective, but playing pranks on every family member now and then to cheer the others (and myself, of course) up. But it wasn't working anymore. I was becoming brooding and depressed like Edward. I fucking didn't like it. But there was a reason why I had become like that.

Things at home were really bad. We avoided each other. We didn't talk anymore. What was there to talk about? School? We weren't going to school anymore. Carlisle's work at the hospital? Too many memories of humans in need of a doctor involved. Especially ONE human. We couldn't handle our problems anymore nor talk about it – like we were some clueless mortals. It was fucking pathetic after all we've been trough together, after all our years of experience with life and death and at the same time it was not. Everything seemed so insignificant suddenly after losing a potential family member and seeing each other suffering because of it. And suffering a bit more because everyone was so unhappy of witnessing everyone else's suffering.

We wouldn't talk about Bella or Edward or Forks or anything that reminded us of the disastrous event three years ago. Especially not Bella. Just be careful about avoiding the fucking b-word. It didn't even matter if Edward was around or not. Because if we used the b-word, one thing let to another. And by that I don't mean harmless verbally fighting. It usually ended in one or two family members leaving for a few days. So we shut our mouths and suffered in silence while everyone blamed himself for the familial unhappiness. Especially Jasper and Alice.

He was the one who had attacked a family member and she didn't see it coming. She didn't foresee the papercut, Jaspers attack, Edward's decision to leave her behind. So Alice and Jasper blamed themselves while they tried to convince each other it wasn't the other's fault. It was fucking ridiculous, but they couldn't stop and were fighting a lot. Which left us others helpless behind. Alice's feelings of guilt even affected her abilty. Sometimes she didn't get any visions for days. Which made her even more unhappy because she was frantically trying to protect us from any further danger and losses. At times like these, Jasper would disappear for days, sometimes even weeks. He couldn't handle the tension and unhappiness anymore, especially the immense feeling of guilt in his soulmate. So he went away without even leaving a message. If he left Alice behind, she stayed in her room sobbing all day, trying to get a vision of Jasper, hoping he was alright. And because of that, Esme hid in her room for hours until she came out again and started cleaning the house, assuring us she was fine. Which was a fucking lie, considering we all had excellent hearing. During these days, I was wondering how Jasper could stand all these emotions and why he even bothered coming back instead of taking Alice with him for good. Our family was a mess.

I was trying constantly to make everyone happy again. I was the funny guy, it was my duty. I tried – and failed miserably. So I decided to leave for some distraction and did what I did best (beside hunting and playing pranks) for the last couple of years – attending school. On the other side of the world, without my family around me.

Of course, Carlisle wasn't happy about my choice. He thought living like a nomad would draw more attention to our family; that it would need more precautions than I was taking. And of course he would miss me – although he never mentioned it. He only tried to make me feel guilty about leaving, pointing Esme was worrying a lot about us instead of admitting he was scared like hell our family was falling apart.

I fucking didn't care. I needed distraction. Distraction was nice. So I kept moving and immatriculating every semester, changing Universities, time zones, subjects and CV's every time. No fucking way I would attend Highschool again. Highschool reminded me of Bella. And I didn't want to stay at a place for long anyway, it didn't matter anymore. I didn't even care about my subjects. Everything was fine as long it helped me with my need for distraction. It didn't matter if it was Physics, Psychology, History, Engineering or Roman Languages. Or if the combination of my subjects made sense. Because I wouldn't be there long enough to graduate anyway.

Of course, there were a few problems now and then. I quit English Literature as soon as our teacher started discussing Jane Austen. And music wasn't really helpful either. It reminded me of our piano waiting at home. Nobody was playing on it for the last couple of months. If my mother wasn't cleaning all the time to distract herself, the piano would have already disappeared under a pile of dust.

I thought about taking a few classes in medicine, to have something to talk about with Carlisle whenever it was time again to visit the rest of the family. I even took Fashion Design for two semesters for Alice. I hated shopping and fashion itself (except the fabric clung nice and smooth to my Rose), but I would do everything to cheer my sister up and to ease her feelings of guilt. But it still wasn't working. The distraction wasn't working. Being around humans wasn't fun anymore. But I kept doing my task. What else was there to do; staying home and watching our family falling apart?

Rose did accompany me now and then so we wouldn't be separated for too long. She was the only one I could stand for more than just a few days around me without starting a fight. Mostly, I was an exchange student from a country far away; sometimes married or engaged, sometimes she was my lover or sister visiting for a month, so no one would get suspicious why I wasn't living on campus or why she stayed at my place all the time. But in fact, people didn't really care. They didn't pay any attention. Because they didn't even dare to look at me. No wonder. I was angry and dangerous like hell. If anger itself was visible, it would have been radiating in waves off of me. I was wondering how long it would take until I would finally snap and kill my brother for the shit he had done to our family.


Reviews are better than Emmett feeling guilty.


Coming up next: Bella's POV

Forks was a small town. And I knew that small towns didn't easily forget small scandals like the chief's daughter getting lost in the woods to kill herself because she couldn't live without the boy she only dated for a few months. It didn't forget the chief's daughter in a catatonic and depressed state for weeks until she made another attempt for suicide. It didn't forget that this poor girl was into drugs and alcohol and tended to cut herself. That she refused to eat. A lot of rumours were spread. I felt bad for Charlie. So I decided to ease his pain by "moving on".