Disclaimer: Not mine.
Pairings: Slight Jisbon but could possibly be interpreted as friendship.
Spoilers: Nothing major.
Summary: Sequel to "Justice Served" Jane's take on finally getting Red John. Can be read as standalone.
I almost can't believe that the day has finally arrived. It started like any other. Got out of bed. Got dressed. Had a cup of tea. Went to work. The same routine I've been following for several long years Funny how quickly circumstances can change. I'm here in the interview room again, but today I'm on the other side of the table. I'll be answering the questions instead of asking them. It'll be interesting to see what's like to be the one being grilled.
I killed a man today.
I should probably feel remorse for what I did, or fear for what's coming next but I can't do that. All I can feel is satisfaction. It feels like working your butt off for years and years and then finally getting the promotion you know you deserve. Except I didn't just get the promotion, I got a great big bonus too.
I won't deny that there was a certain pleasure in watching Red John bleeding to death at my feet. I took my time with the killing. I made it slow and painful and I knelt beside him as he died, to make damn sure that the bastard got exactly what he deserved. I owed it to my wife and my little girl.
And then, when every last disgusting breath had been leeched from his body I stood up, turned my back on him and I waited.
Sure enough, Lisbon came crashing through the door two minutes later. She gazed at the body as I turned around and held out my arms behind my back.
It was a few minutes before I felt the cold metal of the handcuffs around my wrists. She turned me around to face her but I couldn't look at anything except the body. This served the dual purpose of imprinting the image in my mind forever and also meant I could avoid seeing the disappointment in her eyes. The way she looked at me made me feel just the slightest bit guilty, but not enough to feel bad about killing that animal.
So now here I sit, waiting for Lisbon to come and ask me the questions to which we both already know the answers. I will cooperate of course. I'll tell her everything she needs to know and then she'll pack me off to prison and hopefully that'll be the end of it.
To my surprise there's a sinking feeling in my stomach as I realize that this could be the last time I ever see her. That's interesting.
The door opens and here she is. I smile at her. "Hello Agent Lisbon. It's good to see you." Just because we're here under somewhat unpleasant circumstances doesn't mean that manners should fall by the wayside after all. She doesn't seem to share this view and doesn't answer.
I feel a bit uncomfortable. She's looking at me like she's never seen me before, as if I just wandered in off the street or something. This upsets me more than it should which again, is quite interesting.
She reads me the list of charges and asks me if I want to call a lawyer. I shake my head. I'm not interested in dragging this out any longer then I have to and I don't really care about what happens to me now. I've done what I had to do.
She takes a deep breath and I watch her intently, waiting for her to continue. She's quiet for a time.
"I'm sorry I had to arrest you. I really didn't want to do that, but you left me no choice."
"Don't be sorry. You're just doing your job. I knew perfectly well what would happen when I found Red John."
I was never in any doubt that the two of us would come to this moment someday but it seems Lisbon gave me more credit than I gave myself. Even though I gave her every reason not to trust me she still always believed that we'd never have to have this meeting. At least once I've gone, she can put her faith in somebody who deserves it and I won't be able to hurt her anymore.
Even though I'm fully aware of just how much pain I'm causing her I still can't bring myself to feel guilty about what I've done. I'm sure that makes me a terrible person but even that doesn't change how I feel.
I am proud of what I've accomplished today. Now if I ever get to visit the graves of my wife and child again, I don't have to feel guilty because the man that took their lives is still breathing.
I recognise the look on Lisbon's face. It's the one she always gets when she's gearing up to ask the big question. Here it comes.
"Patrick Jane, did you kill Derek Richardson, otherwise known as Red John?"
God it feels good to say that out loud. I savour the moment, enjoying my triumph.
She's looking me as though I've just slapped her in the face. I'm not sure why. She knows perfectly well that I did it, and that I'm not the slightest bit sorry. I'd happily do it again, given the chance. I suppose it means something to her to have me admit it.
Gradually, the shock dissolves and is replaced with a mixture of sadness and disgust. I was expecting this reaction, but that doesn't make it any easier to watch. It was never my intention to hurt her, or any of the others. The plan was irritate them all so much at the CBI that when the time came, they'd be glad to be rid of me.
Unfortunately that majorly backfired and I consequently ended up with the four best friends I've ever had. Now I'm punishing them all for letting me into their lives and I hope they never forgive me. I don't deserve it.
I hope they'll move on and their lives won' t be too badly affected by my involvement in them.
I hope that one day Rigsby and Van Pelt get their shot and have a chance to be together.
I hope my good friend Cho makes his way up the CBI food chain like I know he wants to do.
And as for Lisbon, my dear Lisbon I wish for every good thing in the world to come to her. I hope that when Minelli steps down he'll recommend her to take his place. I hope that she'll meet somebody wonderful, settle down and that she gets everything her heart desires.
She deserves somebody who will give her the world and I truly wish for her to have that.
She's been a comfort to me these long, lonely years. She almost had me convinced that there was a reason for living beyond Red John. I still remember her words to me from over two years ago.
"Can't you see there's people who care about you, who need you?"
She's not looking at me right now. Her head is bent down and she's writing something on a notepad so I seize the chance to take one last look at her. I take in every feature, committing it to memory. I don't want to ever forget her, no matter where my life is going now.
Suddenly, her head snaps up and she catches my gaze. Quickly, I arrange my face into a feeble imitation of a confident smile, and mercifully, she seems to buy it. She shakes her head.
"Jane, wipe that stupid grin off your face. I'm not in the mood for your mind games right now."
"But Lisbon darling, there's always time for mind games!" I manage to keep the smile in place, even though I've never been in a less amusing situation in my life.
"Don't call me that," she snaps, returning to her notepad.
"Certainly. What would you prefer? Cookie? Sugar? Sweetie?"
I really hate doing this. I wish so much that I didn't have to, but if I make her hate me now, it'll save her a lot of pain in the long run.
"Do I look like a food item to you, Jane?"
"Of course not. How silly of me. How about my dear? My angel? Light of my life?"
"Jane, I am warning you…"
"OK, no. What about…Teresa?"
The notepad slams onto the table and I know she's finally cracked.
"Damn it Jane! Can't you take anything seriously? You are about to go to jail for murder and all you can think about is annoying the hell out of me with ridiculous pet names!"
I've never seen her this angry. She's looking at me with such hatred that I feel like I'm about to burst into flames. I want nothing more than to take it all back, apologise for being such an ass and beg for her forgiveness, but I can't do that. I won't put her through this anymore. She needs a clean break from me. That's the very least I can do for her.
"Oh get off your high horse," I snarl at her. I'm not the only killer in this room."
The colour drains from her face but I'm not finished yet.
"That's right, Teresa. You've killed people too. Taken their lives. Stood over them and watched them die. I believe that puts us on the same level."
Her mouth opens and closes but no words come out. It's time for the final blow.
"How does it feel to know that you're a murderer, just like me?"
She recoils as my words sink in. Her eyes lock onto mine, and when she speaks again, it so quiet that I can barely make it out.
"I'm nothing like you."
She gathers her things together and stands up, her gaze never leaving mine. It takes all my willpower to summon up a malicious smile and somehow I keep it there.
This is destroying me. The things I said were outright lies and it's breaking what's left of my heart to know I could be capable of hurting her so badly.
As she pushes her chair back under the table I can tell that she's on the verge of tears and I have to force myself not jump up and throw my arms around her. She doesn't deserve this.
She walks to the door, and opens it but just as she's about to step through, turns back around to face me.
And then, before I have time to answer, she is gone.
So what did you think? I was going for a tearjerker meets angsty kind of feel. I really wanted to try and capture all the things Jane might be thinking about in that situation from being happy about Red John to sad about Lisbon. How'd I do? Review and let me know!