A.N. Inspired by a chain email I got a while back, 'Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter." I suggest you Google it if you've never read it. It's quite funny.
"That's Mr. Cullen to you." I said.
Jacob smirked, "Sorry Mr. Cullen, sir."
I sighed. There were about a million places I would have rather would have been. But here I was, setting ground rules with Jacob. If only Nessie could have stayed a sweet little toddler forever, or even just aged at a normal rate. That would have given me time to prepare for this. But no. She had to go grow up all speedy, which meant I had to give this talk to Jacob way sooner than I would have liked. As Emmett would say, fuck my life. My thoughts were interrupted by Jacob's.
"So, is there a reason for this little pow-wow, or are we just going to sit awkwardly all night?"
"Oh no, there's a reason. Trust me, there's a reason. Just give me a moment."
Jacob nodded and began humming the Jeopardy theme song.
"Helpful." I mumbled. He smiled in return. "Alright." I started slowly.
"Oh, you're ready now?" Jacob asked. I ignored him.
"I know that Nessie is now at that age where it isn't creepy for you to be thinking about her...er, sexually."
"No no no no no no no." Jacob groaned, putting his hands over his ears, "We're SO not having this conversation!"
"Jacob, like it or not, I AM Nessie's dad, and I need to make sure she's safe."
"Alright, fine. I get it! If we make love, I'll use a glove!" Jacob said frantically, standing up.
I walked over to him and pushed him back into his seat. "Rule number one, there will be no sex until you put a ring on her finger."
Jacob smirked, "What sort of sex are you talking about, because we may have already broken rule number one."
I held back my urge to kill him and glared instead.
"Wow. No need to give the death stare, Eddy. It was a joke."
A quick scan of his thoughts told me he was indeed telling the truth.
"Okay, as I was saying, there are certain rules you need to follow to ensure my sanity and your life. And here they are. Rule number one..."
Jacob cut me off, "I thought no sex was rule number one."
At least he was paying attention.
"Fine, rule number two. I get that your whole werewolf thing wreaks havoc on your clothing, so you usually just walk around shirtless. That's fine when you're with you little wolfy friends. But when your with Nessie, there sure as hell better be a shirt on your back of I will take it upon myself to staple one to you. Understood?"
"Two things. First, 'little wolfy friends?" Um, I don't think so. We're anything but little. Have you seen us lately? We're freakin' beasts."
I rolled my eyes.
"Second, how would you staple a shirt to my back?"
"With a staple gun, of course."
"If you came at me with a staple gun, I'd kick your ass."
"Ha! Like you could take me. But for your sake and pride Jacob (I know how being beat by a vampire would really kill your werewolf street cred), I'd do it while you're sleeping."
"I'd wake up the second you stepped into my room."
"Moving on," I said, ignoring his comment. Nessie was due back here any moment she would kill me if she knew I was talking to Jake.
"Oh, yes. Tell me oh wise one. What is rule number three?"
"Rule number three. No more fucking sarcasm."
"I'll try my hardest, but I can't guarantee anything Dad."
"Dad?" I questioned.
"I figured you'll be my father-in-law soon enough. Might as well start calling you Dad now."
"Jacob, you call me Dad one more time, I will pull a Bella and lunge at your throat."
Jake smiled at the memory. "Good times..."
"Mmhmm. Carrying on, rule number four. Clearly, you know that Nessie is a very popular girl. Not surprising considering she's by far the most excellent, talented, loving, delightful..."
"I get it buddy, she's amazing."
"As I was saying, if something happens and Ness decides she no longer wants to be with you...."
"Woah, Captain Downer. Slow down. Why wouldn't she want to be with me?"
"I don't know, maybe she finally got a good look at your face."
"Hey! That was a low blow"
"You're right. And I do apologize." I paused. "Anyways, if something does happen and she breaks up with you, you need to respect her decision. There will be no pining after her. I swear to God, Jake. If I catch you outside our house at two in the morning begging her to take you back, I will murder you."
"You really think I'm the type of guy that would lurk it up outside your house at two in the morning?"
"You never know. Love does crazy things to you."
"I guess you'd know best."
In his mind, he summarized the soap opera that was Bella and mine's first few years. I suppose he had a point.
"Okay, Vampy Boy. What's the next rule?" Jake asked.
"Ah, yes. Rule number five. If a night comes and you find yourself sitting in my living room waiting to pick up Nessie, just be warned. You will be waiting a while. In most cases, Alice will be doing her hair and makeup, which means you're in for quite a wait. So, instead of sitting on your ass watching ESPN, make yourself useful. Mow the lawn. Clip the hedges. Take out the trash. Anything, really."
Jacob laughed. I gave him a stern look.
"Oh, that wasn't a joke?"
"Am I laughing?"
"I guess not."
"Rule number seven, " I said, continuing, "Never even think about lying to me about what you will be doing with Nessie. I will know right away." I smiled, and tapped my head.
Oh? You can read thoughts? I hadn't noticed.
"Aren't you just full of wit tonight?"
"Get used to it, father dearest."
"Rule number eight, then. And this is the last one, so listen up. Be afraid, Jacob Black. Be very afraid. Not only am I a vampire, but I am a dad. Put those two together and you've got one crazy combination. I will do everything in my power to make sure Nessie is taken care of and if you become a hazard to this plan, trust me, I will do something about it. Is this clear?"
"Edward, I don't think you need to read my mind to know that I would never hurt Nessie. I love her. I really do."
I had no response to that, so I suppose it was lucky that after that, Nessie came through the door.
"Hi Daddy." she said, then glanced over to where Jacob was sitting, "What's Jake doing here?"
"Oh, he stopped by looking for you, and when I said you'd be back soon he decided to wait," I lied. "We've just been watching some TV."
"Um, the TV is off, Dad."
"Well, the movie just ended." I said, smoothly.
Nessie smiled slightly, "Alright then. So, what do you want to do Jake?"
"Whatever you'd like Ness. It's all up to you," he said in a tone that matched the way I spoke to Bella: absolute adoration.
At that moment, Alice came bursting through the door. "Did I miss yours and Jacob's talk? Oh please say no! I was all the way in Canada when I had the vision of you setting rules with Jake, so I came back as soon as I could."
Nessie looked at me. "Rules?"
I stood up, "Well, look at the time. I really should be going. You know, vampire stuff to attend to. Bye kids!" And with that I ran out through the door. I swear I heard a laughing Jacob call out 'Stay safe Dad!"
I really hated that kid sometimes.
Alright then. That's that. Hope you at least got a smile out of this. :] Review if you'd like. Thanks for reading!