Everyone knows that size matters, save for one particularly sheltered heiress. After Hinata accidentally humiliates Naruto in front of their friends, our favorite whiskered blond will stop at nothing to take matters into his own hands. Literally.

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"Setting the Record Straight"

One Friday night, the Rookie Eleven and Sai met at the Korean barbeque restaurant for dinner and drinks to celebrate Ino's recent promotion as tokubetsu nin.

Amidst plates of savory marinated beef, cool, crisp lettuce, steamed rice and a plethora of kimchi and other tasty side dishes, the friends toasted the proud blonde with icy cold bottles of soju.

Hinata allowed herself a few sips of the fermented rice drink, and as the effects of alcohol took place she started to feel a little drowsy.

Rubbing her eyes sleepily and noticing the time, the heiress excused herself from her seat and slowly made her way towards the other end of the table to find her cousin currently engaged in a little drinking competition with Naruto and Kiba.

"Nii-san?" she called meekly.

"Hinata-sama," the 19-year old replied hastily, shotglass in mid-air. "I'm a little preoccupied at the moment."

With his back facing her, she could only see Naruto and Kiba's faces as the three each pounded back a shot of soju. The action also allowed her to take a good look at the bottom of their fists.

Cocking her head to the side, she voiced her simple observation. "Kiba-kun's hands are larger than Naruto-kun's."

It was an innocent statement, but Hinata was unaware of all the commotion she would cause once she said it. Right on cue, everyone's eyes snapped in the blond's direction, followed by a few immature snickers, Chouji gagging on a large piece of galbi, and one barely unmistakable "troublesome".

Hinata shivered at the hollow, grief-stricken look Naruto gave her.

Kiba broke the silence as he filled his chest with air. Leering at the future Hokage, he turned his attention back to his teammate. "Well, Hinata-chan," he started with much bravado, "You know what they say about guys with big hands- they have BIIIIIIIG-"

Before he could continue, the Dog-nin was bombarded with collective slaps to the back of his head from Shino, Tenten and Ino, while Neji's stony glare promised certain death, effectively silencing the poor brute.

Sakura, who was closest to Hinata at the time, quickly covered the heiress' ears while secretly wondering if the adage about men's hands rang true. Physically, Naruto wasn't nearly as tall as Kiba, but with Naruto housing a demon inside his body, logically-speaking, shouldn't that have given him some sort of leverage when it came to male endowments?

Frustrated, the brawny beauty began to squeeze the object she held in her hands. Years of hanging out with Naruto had turned her into a pervert!! But had she been chasing after the wrong guy all these years? Sasuke wasn't likely coming home on his own will anytime soon, and Naruto was slowly taking over the empty spaces of her heart... but if he were lacking in that area, it would only lead to more disappointment for her years down the road!! How was size not supposed to MATTER-

"Sa-Sakura-chan, I-ITAI!!" Hinata wailed, snapping the pinkette out of her self-destructive train of thought. "You're crushing my head!!"

"H-Hinata!! Gomen!!" she cried, letting go of Hinata's head instantly. To her immediate left stood her fuming, overprotective cousin whose waves of killing intent were emanating from his body, effectively causing glass and earthenware to shake and clatter all over the tabletops. The owners of the restaurant had dashed over to their table in an attempt to calm him down.

The chaos that filled the room was too overwhelming for the future Head of Hyuuga, who now had a large migraine to boot.

"O-Okay, well, I should get going... Congratulations again, Ino-chan!" she said, embracing her good friend. "I volunteered to help at the hospital starting tomorrow, so I should get some sleep."

"Aww, thanks for coming, Hina-chan!" the blonde winked.

"Hinata-sama, let me escort you back-"

"No need, Nii-san, I'll be fine," she chided, gently pushing the older Hyuuga back into his seat. "Please, don't leave on my account." Grabbing her coat and wrapping it around her petite frame, she bowed politely. "Good night, everybody! Have fun!" She waved and bid everyone a good night before heading towards the nearest exit.

Sai rose from his seat seconds after Hinata left. "I should go, too. Congrats again, Beautiful," he started, as onlookers witnessed Ino reduced to a pile of lovesick mush. "Bye, Ugly. And Dickless- thank you for a most entertaining evening!" And with a smile and a poof, he vanished.

The two remaining members of Team 7 bristled in agitation. 'Damn you, SAI!!'

"I like Sai. He's great!" Kiba said, in-between laughs. Lee consoled his humiliated friends by commenting on Sakura's beauty, and stating that Naruto's penis would grow in the springtime of his youth.

Lee's statement, albeit false, worsened Naruto's situation onehundredfold.

Naruto couldn't sleep. Despite the copious amounts of soju he drank last night and some muchly-needed ramen therapy, he couldn't get Hinata's words out of his head.

'Kiba-kun's hands are larger than Naruto-kun's. Kiba-kun's hands are larger than Naruto-kun's... larger than Naruto-kun's...'

He hadn't felt this humiliated since that accidental kiss he and that no-good teme shared back in their Genin days!

He rubbed his face in anger and frustration. His body and the size of his parts were his business, but after Sai's off-handed comment and the way everyone had tried to sneak an inappropriate peek at his crotch or compare the size of their hands to his made his blood boil. Even Shikamaru tricked him into giving him a high-five, and he thought the lazy bum was above petty tricks.

He had been the runt in the Academy, but that was years ago. He had grown since then. There was no WAY he was diminutive down south. NO WAY!!

And Sai... He had that bastard figured out right from the start. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that Sai left early last night to blab to Hinata about what Kiba was implying.

Naruto knew he wasn't the smartest person around, but he wasn't about to let Sai lessen what respect Hinata had for him!!

The following morning, Hinata stood on the rooftop of the hospital, pinning clean bed sheets onto a clothesline to dry. Neji had been helping her moments earlier until he went inside for a quick restroom break.

Rubbing her hands and arms every now and then to ward off the January chill, she continued on with her work, until she felt an all-too-familiar chakra signature lingering nearby.

"N-Naruto-kun!" she squeaked, when he desperately grabbed her shoulders. "Wh-What are you doing?"

"Hinata-chan!!! Everything Sai told you is a lie!! The size of a man's hands have NOTHING to do with the size of his dick!!"

"D-D-Dick?" Hinata sputtered as she blushed horribly. "W-What are you talking about?! I n-never spoke to S-Sai-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Naruto jumped backwards and gave her his trademark 'thumbs-up' pose before pulling his pants and boxer shorts down, flashing the startled girl. "SEE?!"

"-san… O-oh m-my..."

He watched in rapt fascination as Hinata's entire face colored even further, starting from a light rose shade to a violent red, but while he was half-expecting her to faint or swoon like she usually did in his presence, the smug expression he wore on his face died a horrible death as the pale-eyed kunoichi fell to her knees and broke into a fit of giggles.

"Oh, Naruto-kun, it's so... so... SMALL!! I didn't know i-it could be so tiny," she squealed as she pointed and stared at his nether regions, hardly the reaction he expected from the soft-spoken and shy kunoichi. Hinata babbled on as tears of laughter filled her eyes. "I-I still can't believe I saw one this close... and I'm not even MARRIED yet!!!"

'Wasn't she supposed to faint?' Naruto blinked. A second later, he realized that she referred to it as SMALL and TINY. "N-N-NANI?!"

He looked down and blanched, quickly covering his nakedness while mentally berating himself for his lack of better judgment.

The cold air made his pecker shrink!!

"No, Hinata! It's not like this, I SWEAR!! Here, look!!" Without thinking, Naruto blew warm air into his hands and started to rub himself furiously. Hinata, who had never laughed so hard in her life, squeezed her eyes shut and fell to her side as she surrendered to stomach cramps.

When Neji walked back onto the rooftop, Hinata lay on the ground, face streaked with tears as Naruto stood before her, pants down to his ankles, whacking off.

Needless to say, the normally-composed Hyuuga genius flipped out.


It took Hinata and a few chuunin guards stationed at the hospital to stop Neji from completing a frantic Hakke Hyaku Nijūhachi Shō and committing murder. Neji was taken before Tsunade where he was slapped with a restraining order. Hinata, feeling partially responsible for Naruto's current predicament (which consisted mostly of chakra depletion, multiple bruises, cuts and fractures), rushed him into an empty hospital room, grabbed Sakura's attention, and left him in her care.

After healing what she could, Naruto was given sleeping pills to rest and restore what energy he lost.

As he slept on through the afternoon, Sakura dropped by again to check up on her patient. Closing the door behind her, she secured the lock and gingerly removed the warm blankets surrounding his lower half.

"Naruto, are you awake?" she whispered.

She was answered with a snore.

Taking a deep breath to steady her frayed nerves, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small capsule. She popped the tiny pill into his mouth and eased it down his throat. After a few moments, Naruto was pitching a tent and Sakura took a very eager, lingering peek at what was underneath.


Minutes later, a slightly disheveled Sakura emerged from his room with an ecchi grin on her pretty face, thinking of all other the fun things she would do with THAT in the near future.

Sakura was a pervert, but who cared?

The End.

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