No matter how many times I say this… I never feel like it's enough. It's as if… those words never came out of my mouth before and I keep repeating those words. Being repetitive…feels normal to me. I am very conscious and aware as to how I behave. And of course, I know very well that I have turned repetitive ever since I found you, my most precious and cherished.
You are always there for me.
But I am always hiding things from you.
And I know you know.
I wonder if you ever think of whether or not I am fake…that I am nothing but a liar. I'm sure that has crossed your mind before. I feel very guilty for keeping you in the dark. It's as if I'm slowly carving all those wounds into your heart. I would never say that your heart is fragile. Because you are not. Because I know you well enough, Roxas. I know you. You are most definitely not fragile. And I know that you will never break down, no matter how much hardship that you are going through. No matter how many times you said that you are going to stop trying…I know that you're not going to. You keep striving and walking forward, searching for answers.
I really admire that in you.
I may know some answers that you don't, Roxas. But I can never feel proud of myself.
I am constantly thinking and calculating my every single move.
While you are so stubborn… I love that stubbornness in you.
You act freely as thought you were not under control… and I sometimes wish you weren't.
You always excel in every mission, doing your very best even when you don't feel like doing so.
And I am always watching you, trying as best as I could to keep you safe. Because I know that I have been so much a liar…the least I could do is stand behind you and watch as I keep you safe…as long as everything is under my control… I can't accomplish something that's out of my control, Roxas.
My best friend, I love you.
It's awkward for me to say that.
And I keep repeating these words…as if I've never said it before…
And it's true. I have never uttered these words before. I just keep mumbling and chanting them to myself. And you never heard those words coming out of my mouth. No, never. I doubt you will ever know how I feel. I doubt you will ever know that you are the one that makes me feel like I actually have a heart…in this empty shell that walks the earth every day…
You are the first person that becomes my best friend.
All the times we have spent together. I know that they are all true. So true that I don't think I can ever forget them. I never intended to memorize them. I never even have the motivation to even remember the hours and the minutes and the seconds that we have gone through together… side by side…honestly, I really never intended to keep them in my head.
Those memories infiltrated my brain and occupied themselves in it, staying comfortably there, grasping and demanding me to relive every single moment that we had together.
Why can't I forget, I wonder. I might never find the answer.
Strangely, I don't have the motivation to forget those memories either.
It's not like they're bad.
But now that you're gone…
All those memories feel empty to me…
Is that supposed to happen?
I still remember exactly how short you are.
I precisely recall your height, your weight, your posture, your expressions, your smiles, your voice, your words, your determination, your happiness, your innocence, your naivety…
Is it of any use for me to remember all of them?
Even with this ability to control fire that I possess…the ability that I have to dispose at the tip of the finger… it's not enough to burn away this emptiness.
Are you whole now, Roxas?
Because…without you, I'm empty.
And if you are…
Then that means that I will forever be hollow.
I will seek you out…
And maybe, maybe…
I will have the chance to become whole.
As you have…
There are so many words that are left unspoken.
I will track you down.
And I will have you return Roxas.
With a crooked and cocky grin…
I don't have the intention to let anyone know what I am thinking about.
Nobody…except you, Roxas.
Until we meet again.