Silly one-shot parody, my response to a challenge by PlumaLibera here in fanfiction . net. The rules were (as taken from her profile page): In this challenge you would have to include somewhere the words "Come to the dark side, we have cookies." I don't care how long it is, it could be a one shot, or a vignette, or novel length if you'd like. It can be tragedy or parody, or angst, or friendship, I don't really care. And it doesn't have to be a Sith that says it. It can be anyone from any of the six movies, or the Jedi Apprentice books, or whatever other star wars media there it out there. They don't have to really mean it when they say it, they can be saying it sarcastically if you want. The point being, I don't care, it can be anything, as long as it have those words in it!
And, here goes mine! Enjoy the silliness and the stupidity and the chocolaty goodness. *grin*
Of course, thanks to my new permanent SW Beta Elfpen for checking this thing over. xD
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, even if I want it. Heh…
"We have to do something." Obi-Wan insisted, standing in the middle of the Council Chambers, his eyes darting from master to master, and finally settling on Master Mace Windu. "So many younglings watch the HoloNet these days – who knows how it affect their subconscious mind!"
Mace exhaled, frustrated, and massaged his temples. "For the last time, Knight Kenobi, we cannot do anything about it. They are in perfect legality, observing every code and law known to the media."
"You are dismissed, Knight Kenobi." Mace stared Obi-Wan down, who maintained a stoic look despite his quite obvious frustration. Obi-Wan bowed, and did all he could not to storm out of the Chambers like a five-year-old youngling not given his dessert for the day.
He headed straight to his apartment, expecting peace and quiet. Maybe a cup of tea, and a nice, warm shower to get everything out of his mind and system…
Little bits of chocolaty goodness! Crunchy gooey sweetness in every bite!
Obi-Wan stopped at the door of his apartment and listened.
Taste the Dark Side of the Force now!
He stepped in the room, and gaped at his padawan.
Ten-year-old Anakin was watching the HoloNet, fingers inside a box of cookies, chewing like there was no tomorrow. The advertisement he had been fighting to destroy had just finished playing on the screen and his very own padawan watched it.
His padawan turned, blinking at Obi-Wan as he licked the crumbs off his fingers. "Master?" Anakin grinned at Obi-Wan, his teeth colored dark brown from all the cookies he scarfed down.
"What are you eating?"
"Cookies! Triple chocolate chip cookies that I found outside our door earlier. Had my name on it." Anakin took a drink out of the milk carton beside him. "Note said it was for me."
Oh Force, his padawan had been eating them! "Didn't your mother ever tell you never to accept things from strangers?" Obi-Wan snatched the box from Anakin's hand, and examined the outside, the inside, the crumbs…
Anakin stuck his tongue out. "She told me to accept things with gratitude. So I posted a small thank-you note outside our door."
Obi-Wan frowned at the label. Choco-Force Cookies – Experience the Dark Side in every bite! There was a picture of a red lightsaber flanking brown, black and red cookies on a plate. "Who gave you these?"
"I dunno. They sat outside the door, saw them and ate them." Anakin licked his lips. "And they tasted so, so good. Can I have some more?" He blinked innocently at Obi-Wan.
"Uh, no." Obi-Wan replied, kneeling in front of Anakin to face him. "Look, Anakin, I don't want you accepting things from strangers, okay? We never know what might be in them. Unless I say so, you are not going to accept and eat random things from people we do not know. Alright?"
"Yes, Master." Anakin kicked at the wrapper on the floor. "But… can I have any more of those cookies?"
Seven years later…
Seventeen-year-old Anakin jumped into his closet after making sure his master was sound asleep. He grabbed a box of cookies and started munching down on the chocolate disks of heaven. Anakin sighed happily, and leaned back against the wall of his closet.
He never did understand why Obi-Wan – he meant his Master – didn't want him to eat these triple-chocolate delights he was enjoying right now.
But it didn't matter. His mysterious benefactor had been surreptitiously supplying him with all the cookies he wanted, and just recently the giver had revealed himself to Anakin.
Anakin had thanked him profusely. Palpatine had patted him on the back, and told Anakin that he was free to pass by his office every time he wanted to talk or have more cookies. Anakin had agreed happily, and had been dropping by Palpatine's office once a week ever since.
Anakin licked his fingers, and climbed out of the closet to go back to bed. Tomorrow he would be dropping by the Senator's office to replenish his dwindling cookie supplies, and he just couldn't wait for more.
Obi-Wan checked the datapad's results again. He just could not believe how much the sales of the offending pastry had skyrocketed the past few years.
He compared it to the results of the dark side users the past few years.
There was a significant rise. Just like the sales of the cookies.
He knew there was something fishy about that ad! And those cookies! And that company! "Sith Pastries Co." – how obvious could they get?!
The Council would have to listen to him now.
"For the last time, Kenobi, We. Can't. Do. Anything!" Mace bellowed uncharacteristically. Even the Council's members were startled, almost forgetting their annoyance towards Obi-Wan. "You've been pushing this subject for years now! Why don't you release your obsession to the Force and get it over with!"
Obi-Wan blinked at Mace. "Yes… Master Windu." He bowed, and left the room.
Normally, he would have pushed his point further, but Mace's outburst had left him unnerved.
He sighed worriedly. "If I found out he's been eating those cookies too…"
Six years later…
"I NEED HIM!" Anakin screamed at Mace, and sliced the master's hand off.
His addiction had finally taken its toll.
Anakin watched in horror as Palpatine rose, killing Mace Windu and sending him flying into the Coruscanti traffic below.
"What have I done?!" Anakin whispered in anguish, falling to a sitting position. It was the cookies. He knew it was the cookies. All he wanted were the cookies. Cookies… chocolaty goodness… cookies…
Palpatine was saying something – something about joining him, learning the Dark Side of the Force, but no. Anakin wasn't listening. His attention was focused on the box of cookies on the desk of Palpatine.
"Ah. The Choco-Force Cookies. I own that company, and it has been a great instrument in spreading the Sith's influence in the galaxy." Palpatine released a cackle of evil laughter. "You are fulfilling your destiny, Anakin. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force."
"I will do whatever you ask." Anakin whispered, his eyes never leaving the cookies. Drool traced the corner of his mouth down to his chin.
Palpatine smiled, showing his rotten, yellow teeth. "Good."
"Just… just give me more. More of those cookies! I can't live without them."
Palpatine gave another evil laugh. "I will give you all the supply you want. Together we will rule the galaxy as Master and Apprentice. Come to the Dark Side. We have the cookies."
Anakin found himself kneeling before his new master. He couldn't figure out, though, if he was kneeling before Palpatine, or the cookies. "I pledge myself to your teachings. To the ways of the Sith."
Obi-Wan knew it. He knew something like this would happen, but he never thought it would happen to the Chosen One, to his own padawan of all people! He was the firmest advocate against those bloody cookies, and this was what he got?
Sometimes I think the Force hates me.
Obi-Wan stepped out of the ship, ready to face his wayward apprentice. He sighed, and glared at his padawan sternly. He just wouldn't let go of poor Padme over there, and to think that Anakin loved her. It was the cookies! He was certain it was the cookies! "Let her go, Anakin." No response. Obi-Wan sighed. "Let. Her. Go."
Anakin released his grip from Padme's neck, and Obi-Wan watched her crumple to the ground.
"You have turned her against me!" Anakin screamed at Obi-Wan, his eyes wild with sugar. Obi-Wan released another sigh – it's one of those sugar-induced rages again. Honestly, padawan, will you ever learn?
Obi-Wan shook his head. "You have done that yourself. Your lust for those… those cookies! Those Sith Cookies! How many times have I told you not to eat them, padawan? Yet you don't listen to me!" Obi-Wan flung off his cloak, and continued. "You have allowed this Dark Lord to twist your mind with promises of endless cookie supplies until now . . . until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy." Obi-Wan averted his eyes, and sighed again. "Where did I go wrong, padawan? I told you those cookies are evil."
"Don't lecture me Obi-Wan! I've seen through the lies of the Jedi – the cookies are awesome! They are heaven in every bite and you can't have any!" Anakin screamed, and grabbed a cookie from his pocket, and started munching on it. "Don't make me kill you, Obi-Wan – you cannot take them from me!"
Obi-Wan looked grim, and drew his saber. "Then I shall do what I must."
"You will try!"
And the epic battle began. They swished and slashed, jumped and parried, kicked and punched, stabbed and pulled, used the Force, hair-pulling and every means necessary to take each other down.
Obi-Wan had tripped on a box of those blasted cookies, and now lay on the floor, waiting for Anakin's final blow.
"This is the end for you Master. If only you saw the real power of the cookies."
Obi-Wan sighed for the 42nd time since he arrived on Mustafar. Even at the end, cookies were on Anakin's mind. And that shall be his downfall. "Look Anakin! Choco-Force Cookies!"
Anakin's head perked up, and he looked behind him. "Where?!"
And Obi-Wan sliced Anakin's hands off, and his legs. Obi-Wan watched as his former apprentice rolled down the hill. "You were my brother, Anakin. I warned you. I tried. But you wouldn't listen. I loved you, Anakin, I'm sorry it had to come to this."
Anakin screamed something, but Obi-Wan didn't hear. He grabbed Anakin's lightsaber and the box of cookies on which he tripped over earlier. He left without another word, just shaking his head and mumbling about those blasted cookies.
He left Mustafar, unsure of what would happen to Anakin.
"And that's the story of your father's turn, young Luke. So no, no Choco-Force Cookies for you now." Obi-Wan – or rather, Ben Kenobi, as he called himself nowadays, finished the story of how his apprentice turned to the dark side. He tried to make himself comfortable on the rock, even if seeing that he was a ghost, he didn't really have to.
23-year-old Luke looked dumbstruck, and he sat down slowly on a log. "I never thought…"
"It is tragic, I know. I failed your father. Now you must face him. I'm sorry, Luke." Ben said, and placed a hand on Luke's shoulder, even if Luke obviously didn't feel it. "If he tempts you with the same ploy, don't fall for it." And with that, Ben disappeared, leaving Luke to facing Vader on his own. He didn't exactly want to, but in his current ghostly condition he could not do anything but coach Luke from the sidelines, and that would just confuse the young, last Jedi more.
He sighed, and hoped that this time, his warnings were enough.
"Luke. Come, join me, because here, in the Dark Side, we have cookies!" Was Vader's opening remark, and Luke shook his head. He already knew where this would go, and he was determined not to take the bait. Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Besides, he already had something better.
"No, I am a Jedi, like my father before me. Besides," Luke continued, sighing. "I am allergic to chocolate."
Vader gasped, and looked away. "I'm sorry but, it's too late for me, my son." Vader replied after a moment of silence, and together they went into the Emperor's throne room.
And the rest is history.
Now we know where Palpy got his teeth – eating all those cookies. Eeeeek. Remember to brush your teeth, people.
er, Review please?