Written for comment_fic on livejournal

Prompt was for S/L, "Barbie Girl."

"I live in a fabulous beachhouse with my best friend, Burton "Skipper" Guster. We have lots of fun eating ice cream and pop tarts and pineapple sherbet together. Sometimes I take long walks on the beach, letting my impossibly long and luxurious blonde hair whip around in the wind, all crazy-like. It makes me look totally hot.
And sometimes I drive around in my bitchin' pink muscle car. I turn quite a few head if I do say so myself.
And sometimes I go swimming, and I feel the cool salt waves pulse over my large breasts and curvaceous but narrow hips. But wait -- uh oh-- I'm being pulled in by the currents, and they're too strong for me - aahhhhhhh!!!! Aahhh!!! AAahhhh!!!! But wait! What's this I feel? Strong arms around me, pulling me back to shore! Warmth and safety wrapped around me, dragging my limp nearly lifeless body onto the sand, giving me mouth-to-mouth, but not with any funny business - totally professional, I would expect no less- and then I wake up and I yank the seaweed and starfish and octopuses - octopi? octopusi? let's say the squids - out of my long silky blonde hair, and I thank my rescuer, and he says, 'Just doing my job' and then runs off to beat up a shark."

Shawn finished reading and put down his notepad and gave the therapist a dewy-eyed look as he put his hand on his heart to show how difficult-yet-rewarding it had been to share this.

"I think that's a fascinating perspective on your relationship, Shawn," she said with a tone of approval.

"Fascinating my ass!" Carlton said, "You said we should write down what our ideal working relationship would be like."

"That's what I did, Lassiepuff. Is it my fault that in my ideal world I have perfect hair and unrealistic standards for my figure? I blame the media." Shawn gave him an innocent smile.

"That's it! I am not going to couples therapy with someone I am not even in a couple with!" Lassiter yelled.

"You will if you want Chief Vick to reinstate either one of you," the therapist said calmly, "Now I think Shawn's story says a lot about how much he trusts you."

"Definitely," Shawn said with a wink as the therapist nodded approvingly at him yet again.

Lassiter steamed silently as she complimented Shawn on his emotional openness, and Shawn complimented her on her haircut and necklace.

Finally, she said, "Now it's your turn, Lassiter. What did you write for your ideal working relationship with Shawn?"

Lassiter silently looked down at the single sentence on his notepad, "I arrest Shawn for fraud and I solve every case without his help and I never see him again." Yeah, thought Lassiter, with this crackpot therapist, if I answer honestly, she'll never sign off on my return to duty. It looks like I'm going to have to play dirty.

So Lassiter cleared his throat and said, "You know, you've made me feel like this is a really safe space. I mean Shawn is SO emotionally open, I feel like I should be too." Lassiter crumpled up the paper and tried not to smirk as Shawn gave a worried look. "So I'm just going to speak from the heart. When I look at Shawn I see a very mature and dedicated young man. He tries to hide it, but he is a very serious person. I just wish he would let down his walls. I wish I had the courage to say to him, 'It's okay Shawn. I know how hard you're struggling. And I would like to give you that hug that you're afraid to ask your father for.'" Lassiter did his best to put on a sincere smile for Shawn who was glaring with rage.

Not noticing, the therapist smiled at Carlton, and said, voice full of emotion and pride, "I think you just did, Carlton. I think you just did find the courage to say that."

Lassiter gave a modest smile at her, but then Shawn said, "Thanks, Lassie. But I can't hug you until I'm sure you're not just using me as a substitute for your ex-wife."

Lassiter's eyes narrowed at Shawn, as the therapist wondered aloud why she was just now hearing about these issues.

Ignoring her, Lassiter grabbed Shawn by the elbow and dragged him to a corner of the room. She said, "We NEVER use physical force to communicate our feelings in this space, Officer Lassiter!"

"Head Detective Lassiter," he spat through gritted teeth, "And we need a moment, don't we Spencer?"

"Don't worry, Doctor," Shawn said, "It looks like violence because that's the only way Lassie knows how to show love. He's probably just embarrassed to let you hear the haiku he wrote for me."

"Look, Spencer!" he whisper-yelled, "Neither of us will be able to work a case until we get approval."

Shawn just as angrily responded, "It was NOT cool to bring up my dad, Lassiter. NOT cool at all."

Lassiter hesitated, then grumbled, "I know. Srrhhry."

"What?" Shawn said.

"Sorry, okay?"

Shawn paused long enough for Lassiter to see that the hurt and anger weren't an act. But Shawn eventually said, "Fine. And I'm sorry for what I said about your ex. I mean, I'm shmmhhhrrhrry."

Lassiter looked at him warily and said, "Truce?"

Shawn nodded. "Look, I think I can get us out of this. But you'll have to play along."

"I already don't like this, Spencer."

"Well, would you rather do this again every Monday and Thursday until you convince a trained professional that you DON"T harbor violent impulses toward me?"

Lassiter sighed. "Good point. Let's just get this over with."

They returned to their seats with identical big fake smiles.

"I'm so sorry about our behavior, Doctor," Shawn said.

"Yes, sorry," Carlton said with a big grin as he tried not to choke on the words.

Shawn continued,"We haven't been honest with you, and you deserve better. But we must ask, are you absolutely 100 percent positive that everything we say here is confidential? Because if it's 99.425 percent confidential-"

"You can tell me anything. It will never leave this room," she assured them.

Shawn smiled trustingly. "See, the thing is, we've just been putting on an act the whole time. So you wouldn't know the truth about us. See, Lassy and I are in love."

Lassiter tried very hard not to punch Shawn and to keep smiling at the therapist.

Shawn went on, "We only pretend to have conflicts at work so nobody will suspect the truth about us. See, even in a place like Santa Barbara, police culture can be very conservative. I'm not worried about myself of course - the psychic community is a veritable rainbow of seers, mages, fortunetellers and pixies of all types. But an out Head Detective? You understand the need to keep this just between us?"

"But wouldn't you be happier being open?" she asked.

"No!" Lassiter said, "Um... we ... aren't allowed to date co-workers."

"Right," said Shawn, "There's the rules. Plus all the terrible, terrible prejudice. But neither of us can give up solving crimes. Because we're heroes. We can't not be. And so if anyone knew, we'd have to break up. And you wouldn't do that to us, would you? Would you take away our beautiful sweet gooey fluffybunny love?" Shawn placed his hand over Lassiter's. Lassiter found the strength somehow not to move.

She sighed. "All right. If you really feel this strongly, but I warn you workplace relationships are very tricky. Make sure you keep communicating."

"Oh, we will. Now that you've taught us how, Doctor." Shawn smiled gratefully at her, then turned to Lassiter. "Isn't she great, honey?"

"Yeah," said Lassiter, smile glued in place through sheer willpower, "She's great."

Shawn leaned over then and rapidly put his mouth on Lassiter's. 'I am going to kill Shawn' Lassiter thought as he passively stayed motionless while Shawn smooched the outside of his lips for several long-seeming seconds.

The therapist smiled. "You really are a sweet couple. I wish you both the best, and I'll tell Karen Vick to expect less problems from you."

"Great, we are so happy we saw you. I think it'll be really good for our relationship, don't you Lassie?"

Lassiter kept the silent plastic smile on his face, afraid of what he might say otherwise.

Leaving the office, Lassiter expected Shawn to have the sense to make a run for it but instead Shawn rolled his eyes at him and said, "Geez, Lassiter, thanks for nothing."

"Excuse me?" he yelled, "I don't think that last part was necessary!"

"Dude, she totally had her doubts about us! If I hadn't done that, we would have had to act like a couple at another therapy session. And what was with sitting there like a big dumb doll? I feel sorry for whoever has to kiss you for real." Shawn tried to storm away but Lassiter grabbed his arm. He stared at Shawn, observing him closely, and then said calmly, "You're still mad about what I said about your father."

"Go to hell, Carlton."

Lassiter frowned. "You're right. I took it too far."

Shawn, still not looking at him, said, "Fine. Sorry if the kissing thing was too far. Though really you should be apologizing to me. It was truly awful."

"Well if you had given me a little bit of warning!" Lassiter snapped.

Shawn smirked, apparently in no mood to continue the truce now that they were clear of the therapist's office. "No shame in it Lassie. Maybe you can take a class or something. Do they offer 'Making Out' at the community college?"

"Nobody has EVER thought I was a bad kisser, Shawn!" Why does this bother me so much?, Lassiter thought to himself, maybe I really am overcompetitive.

"Nobody except the one person present who you've kissed. Seriously, maybe you're one of those guys who make up for lack of sensuality with a good personalit - no, umm... a good sense of hum- oh, wait, that's not it..."

"Shawn, I don't need to make up for anything. I am very good at... things of that... you know, area."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Relax, Lassiter, I'm just poking a little fun. Nothing wrong with kissing like a dead octopus. Wait, do octopusi have lips? Well, it doesn't matter, either way, they kiss like you. But no worries, man. Maybe your ex-wife liked dead octopus." Shawn smiled smugly, his eyes intentionally daring Lassiter to punch him right when they were both almost suspended for arguing too much.

Lassiter seethed for a moment but then smiled at Shawn. "Sorry, Shawn, but you were the one who kissed me. I didn't know how to respond to your dog-licking-a-popsicle style of kissing. So I just waited for it to be over. Like most of your dates do, I assume."

Lassiter could see that he had gotten to Shawn's ego enough to throw him off. "Whatever, Lassycrapface. Think what you want, nobody in the universe is a worse kisser than you," Shawn muttered as he walked away.

Shawn flinched then. Lassiter had pushed him against a wall, guarding the back of Shawn's head from injury with his hand, but unmistakably communicating that Shawn wasn't going anywhere. Shawn expected violence.

But instead he got an oddly rational-seeming look from Carlton. "Sorry, Spencer, but I don't think I can let this go. Because I've seen you kiss girls, and I know for a fact that at this, at the very least at this one thing, I am better than you."

Shawn, a little out of breath, snarked, "What about detective work? I thought you were supposedly better at detective work, Head Detective Lassie?" Shawn saw the insecurity flicker across Lassiter's eyes and felt guilty for twisting the metaphorical knife into Lassiter metaphorical core. So Shawn shrugged and said, "Fine, prove it."

"What?" Lassiter asked.

"Do-overs. Takebacks. One more kiss, we see who's really better, and then we never speak of it again."

Lassiter looked suspicious. Shawn was expecting him to roll his eyes and mock him, but instead Lassiter said, "Are you sure? I mean, you're not just saying that because you're afraid I'm going to hit you, right? Because I'm not going to. Today, I mean. And ... I don't think I can kiss someone who's doing it because he's afraid of me." Lassiter was looking at Shawn with earnestness. And concern, Shawn noticed. Lassiter is super-worried that he's taking advantage of me? Shawn thought, that's actually really ... sweet. And weird. But sweet. But then Lassiter added, "Afraid of me physically, I mean. You should obviously be scared that I'm going to sue you for slandering my kissing abilities. Well, I mean I would, if I didn't hate lawyers."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Get it over with, or I'm leaving Lassie. My snickerdoodles aren't going to eat themselves."

"I really hope that's not a euphemism," Lassiter said as he leaned into Shawn, one hand firmly on Shawn's hip and the other cradling his face. Lassiter's mouth was warm and confident, and Shawn noticed that the confidence wasn't feigned. Soon, Lassiter's tongue was gently sliding between Shawn's lips and then pressing into Shawn's mouth, first slowly and then faster. Then again, slowly, but harder, pressing and rhythmic and with exactly the right amount of suction that Shawn's mind went to some very explicit places. Against his will, Shawn let out a moan.

Lassiter backed off, smile on his face. Not smug, just...pleased. Shawn did his best to sound nonchalant, but failed miserably, as he said, "That was average, I guess, nothing special."

Lassiter narrowed his eyes, apparently not satisfied with the appraisal, and leaned forward again, this time moving his right thigh between Shawn's legs as he gently leaned Shawn's body back against the wall. Lassiter ran one hand up Shawn's waist under his T-shirt, fingertips rough on Shawn's bare skin. He kissed Shawn again, this time rougher, ignoring Shawn's shiver as he bit Shawn's lower lip. He ended with another kiss, shorter but with more harder, on Shawn's neck.

He smiled at Shawn, a sincere smile, he could tell. But then a quick glance downward, and the smile turned into a trimphant smirk. He walked away then, for once not needing words to gloat over his victory, as Shawn stood there trying to order his dick to settle down, wondering why the hell he didn't try therapy with Lassiter years ago.