Disclaimer: I own nothing!
There are days when I open my eyes and remember the happy times. And then I smile, because I have not forgotten you; I have not left the wispy memories of your wood-scented touch, the knife-sharp arch of your aquiline nose and the crinkles around your hazel eyes behind me at the crossroads of time.
A whole century has passed since we parted ways. From the start, I knew we would never be able to last; two young exorcists with two different paths to take. You were always the fighter, the one who happily signed up because you wanted to destroy the Earl. I was different. I resented the fact that the Order had taken away my life, and forced me into servitude for a lost cause.
Somehow, we grew apart in the short time we spent here together. I never really got to say goodbye…
Whenever I awake fresh from nightmares of creeping darkness, I see your face. Your light eyes twinkle at me from across the room, and I can almost taste the scent of your tattered cloak. You left for your final mission the morning after we had a small argument. You walked in, and bid me adieu with just two words.
How could I have known that we were bidding farewell for eternity?
"I will see you soon…"
I said that to you as you walked out. I'm not sure if you heard it. I think you did. But what does it matter? We will never cross paths again, because the iron-tipped gates of the netherworld are closed to me for all eternity, until the Earl dies.
I am, after all, the exorcist who cannot die, not merely because of my Innocence, but because of the hordes of finders, scientists and exorcists who will sacrifice themselves for me, because I am the guardian of the cube.
That is my fate, and I accept it. A century and more of fighting has resigned me to my destiny. Your face still haunts my waking dreams, but I am now Hevlaska the exorcist, and I am no longer Hevlaska the woman.
The hair you used to run your calloused fingers through, the soft cheeks you used to caress, the eyes you used to kiss – all these are no longer what they once were. I am no longer a woman; I am an exorcist, an exorcist whose innocence has emptied her life and swallowed her whole in its astounding wake.
Despite all that though, I still want you. I want you to hold me in your warm embrace, I want you to knit your thin fingers into my hair and rest your nose in it as if it were a bouquet of the sweetest and most fragrant roses. I want to hear you say "you are my angel" again; I want to place my hand on your cheek and dance my fingers across your day-old stubble.
Sometimes, I wonder if the others can see how pathetic I really am. Can they sense my ancient grief? Can they see the ghosts of my tears falling lightly under my glowing sheen?
My life is no longer a life; I am but a soul enclosed in crystallised glass, waiting patiently for the Destroyer of Time to truly destroy the Earl. When blood spills and the Earl crumbles into the iron-red dust and the very fibres of his existence are carried away into decades of forever, my bonds will break and I will freely leave the cage of my soul. Maybe then I can meet up with you in the land where all things meet, and we can stroll down the glades of Elysium, hand in hand, and dither in the lingering autumn fragrance of eternity.
But that is really too much to ask. My life has spilled over the dirt of the earth, like the morning dew, ever present yet never acknowledged, always seen but never thanked. The autumn wind sweeps over the earth with her carrion cry, and I know that I must wait.
I am an exorcist, not a woman.
Despite that though, I will never forget your twinkling eyes. I will never forget you. Even as I predict and foretell, I see you, waiting for me on the edge of the world. It gives me hope, because I still hope to reunite with you, in the land beyond the withering sickle moon.
How sad that I hope
to see you even now,
after my life has emptied itself
like this stalk of grain
into the autumn wind.
(Ono no Komachi)
A/N: This was written from Hevlaska's pov, if you haven't realised. Nothing much to say about it, actually :/
Anyway, I am in all probability not going to update Circular anymore. I'm no longer into this style of writing (though it's the style that comes the most naturally to me). I want to do more... metaphysical (is this even the right word!) kind of fics. Of course, I'll update this if I ever get any suitable inspiration. But for now, let's just say that I'm putting this on hold indefinitely. Thank you everyone who fav-ed this/reviewed/read this/whatever. I'm thankful for your support and whatnot.
Thanks for reading! Reviews would be appreciated (: