A/n: The story behind this story is as follows: once upon a time, Emily (hilmiley) and myself were talking on MSN. We got to the topic of Jake Ryan in a retirement home, and this is the result. It was a lot funnier when we were talking about it, but I hope this at least gets a few chuckles out of people :)
"Now, I want to see those arms reaching hard! Stretch those muscles! Reach for God! Up, up—"
In the middle of Malibu Retirement Resorts, the dance instructor was interrupted by yelling. He lowered his sore arms and stopped the folk music with an annoyed snap. Young volunteers quickly shut off the stereo. It was not unlike some of the older patients to start screaming for no reason, but this loud and obnoxious screaming was coming from two married people, who fought more and more with each passing day.
Located on the third floor, the old movie star Jake Ryan and his wife Miley had a room. They were placed in a retirement home when their children caught them trying to fly off to Italy, even though Jake can barely get around without help these days. That incident had just been one of a long chain of dangerous and risky behavior from the senior citizens.
The couple in focus fought a lot as the years went by, but there was one argument they both just wouldn't let go.
"—AND THAT IS JUST LIKE YOU, JAKE RYAN! TO ALWAYS ASSUME YOU DESERVE THE BEST!"
Jake Ryan rolled toward his wife's bed and pointed a finger at her threateningly.
"I DO DESERVE THE BEST! YOU CAN GET AROUND JUST FINE! IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT I GET TO GO FIRST!"
She angrily snatched her pills off the bedside table and took her dosage. The doctors gave her the medicine to help with her fatigue and constant headaches, and it worked very well. Of course, the doctors didn't tell her the pills were actually placebos (sugar pills) and that she was just extremely insane.
"YOU ALWAYS GET TO GO FIRST! NO MATTER WHAT IT WAS IN OUR LIFE, YOU GOT TO GO FIRST! YOU EVEN GOT TO SEE OUR CHILDREN BEFORE ME, AND I WAS THE ONE GIVING BIRTH!" She coughed and drank some more water.
Jake Ryan softened at the sound of her "suffering". He leaned back in his wheelchair.
"Look, I'm sorry for that, okay? It's not my fault your head was way up there," he gestured vaguely at the top of the bed, "and your lower half was way down here," he gestured at the bottom of the bed, "and that the baby came out that direction. You should be angry at God for making birth that way, not me!"
"You could have waited to see the baby until I could see it!" She grumbled. This was another one of the fights that happened frequently.
"I had to cut the cord, woman! What, did you want me to just leave the baby all connected and stuck and ewwww! You should be thanking me!" He rolled his wheelchair closer to her bed. "But that isn't changing the subject. I GET TO DIE FIRST!"
"Like Hell you do! Be a gentleman! I'm a lady, I get to go first!" She argued.
"You can walk just fine! I'm the one stuck in a damned wheelchair! You don't know what it's like!" He lowered his voice and it took on a cinematic, dramatic tone. "You have no idea what it's like to wake up everyone morning and realize you can't walk! You don't know what it's like to have to hold onto a bar on the wall just to pee! YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE PAIN, THE CONSTANT, INTERAL SUFFERING—"
She stared at him with no mercy.
"Yeah, the wheelchair races must be torture." She muttered sarcastically.
He faltered. "Hey! You were cheering me on." He pointed an accusing finger at her.
"Of course I was! I hate Rico even more with old age and there is no way I was going to let him beat you! If you really loved me, you would let me die first. What would I do in here without you? Die of boredom? I mean, if you weren't here, bingo would just be…bingo! There'd be no one to run in completely naked when the person yells 'B4!' and scream 'BEFORE I MOVED IN HERE YOU ALL HAD A COMPLETE LACK OF SEXY!'! Who would sit in time out with me? NO ONE! I'D BE ALL ALONE! YOU CAN'T DIE FIRST DAMMIT!" She started having a coughing attack again. She drank more water.
"If I really loved you I'd get myself out of the way to keep you from getting in so much trouble! AND YES I CAN! EVEN IF I HAVE TO HURDLE MYSELF OFF A SKATEBOARD RAMP AND OFF A CLIFF, I GET TO GO FIRST! IT'S A MAN'S RIGHT! THAT'S WHY WE HAVE SHORTER LIFESPANS!"
Their arguing was interrupted in the form of a nurse. She walked cautiously toward Jake, slowly sticking her hand in her pocket. He backed his wheelchair up away from her.
"Mr. Ryan…you need to take your medicine!"
Jake zoomed past her and out of the room.
"I DON'T WANT YOUR DEMON MEDICINE, WOMAN! I'M STILL THE SEXIEST MAN HERE!" He screamed behind him. Miley sat up.
"GO HONEY! GO!"
The nurse glared. She smiled innocently.
Of course, life in the retirement home wasn't all fights for Miley and Jake. In their younger years they made great lovers, and as they aged, they made even better partners in crime. They arguably had more fun in the retirement home than they had when they were younger.
Their recent scheme for the day involved Scrabble tiles, a portable stereo, and four bottles of booze.
They leaned their heads in and peeked into the gray room. Older people were silently seated at tables, boringly playing Scrabble. They had a new game in the game room each day, and every game was just as boring as the first.
"They need to get some video games in here dammit!" Jake hissed. He turned away from the game room and leaned back in his wheelchair. "And they wonder why we don't go play the games."
Miley quickly steered him away from the door, paranoid that they could see part of his wheelchair.
"It's so sad, Jake! Everyone in there forgot what it was like to have fun! That's why I stand by you in your decision to show them!"
"I thought you stood by me because I'm your husband and you love me."
Miley opened the top of the portable stereo sitting on Jake's lap. She set the CD in and shut the top. Phase one was beginning.
"When you're ready for it to start, you know what button to push. I'm going to go steal the tiles, you get everything prepared."
Miley kissed his balding head before she tip toed into the room.
"BE SAFE, MY LIFE-LONG PARTNER IN CRIME!" Jake hissed after her.
The door she snuck in was at the back of the room. Everyone at the tables were faced in the opposite direction, so she prayed no one would see her until she was ready. She sat down at one of the last tables.
"Got what we need?" She hissed to the person beside her. Lilly Truscott snickered and reached into her giant bag. She pulled out another scrabble board and a few pieces.
They smiled evilly at each other. This was going to be great.
Miley sighed loudly. A few heads turned. She stood up slowly, making it look much more painful than it actually was. Her legs shook and she coughed as she walked up to another group's table.
"I can't seem to find any of our letters…my eyes just aren't how they used to be. Not to mention Arthritis has made it so hard to pick up things off the floor…do you think I could borrow a j, a, k, and e?" She smiled sweetly, and then forced herself into another wheezing cough.
The people at the table—who were in a much better state than the one Miley made them believe she was in—felt bad for her. They parted with the tiles she needed. After all, it was just a game, and if Miley wanted to play that bad, they would help her day be a little bit brighter.
"Bless your hearts," Miley whispered to the people. "Thank you so much." She gave them another heartfelt gaze before turning back to her table. As soon as she sat down, her and her best friend did their secret handshake.
"Thanks. Jake helped me work on the acting." She spread out their new tiles. Lilly gently pushed her.
"You better hurry! If Oliver finds out I left for Scrabble without him…well, let's just say he won't be as understanding as he was when they cafeteria ran out of chocolate pudding."
Miley raised a graying eyebrow.
"He didn't understand at all. He turned into the Hulk and almost totaled the place."
Lilly bit her lip. "I see you understand how urgent of a situation this is. Hurry!"
Miley performed her pity act five more times until she gathered all the tiles she needed. Lilly hurried off to be there when Oliver woke, but Miley wasn't finished yet.
She made a point of slowly walking to the front of the room. She stuck her head out of the room, and saw Jake had set up the table with the cookies and brownies. She backed up.
"HEY Y'ALL! FREE COOKIES AND BROWNIES!" She screamed. Heads snapped up and everyone quickly tried to stand up. It took a while for everyone to shuffle out of the room, but because there was no eating in the game room, she had plenty of time.
Miley shut the door they came out of and Jake rolled in the back door.
"Great job, baby. You've still got it." Jake winked at her. She rolled her eyes and gathered her tiles. One by one, on every Scrabble board, she spelled out the phrase JAKE RYAN IS THE SEXY KING with the tiles.
"Quick! I think they are done!" Jake hissed. He rolled to the front of the room with amazing speed (he was the current champion in the after-hours wheelchair races). Miley helped him up the two stairs that led to the stage, and he hid behind a curtain. Miley quickly pulled the bag of liquor and glasses off his wheelchair and set them up on the front table.
Once everything was ready, she opened the doors. The people came shuffling back in, looking considerably happier after the sugar. They all looked up at Miley in confusion when they read their Scrabble boards.
"GO!" She yelled.
Jake rolled out from behind the curtain. His heart was pounding his chest as he stared at the gray, bored faces. When he was younger he made his living entertaining people, and by God, he would do that until the day he died!
He reached out a shaky finger, and pressed play.
"SexyBack" by Justin Timberlake filled the room so loudly the Scrabble boards shook. Everyone looked at each other in horror. Miley hurried on stage and helped Jake out of his wheelchair. She handed him his walker and he stared forward, letting his theme song fill him with memories and courage from his prime.
"I BET NONE OF YOU EVEN REMEMBER THIS SONG!" He screamed over the music. There was a pause, and everyone turned to one another and asked the person beside them what he had said. Jake sighed and paused the music.
"I think my hearing aide just shorted out!" Jesse screamed. He was an old band mate of Hannah's who eventually ended up marrying and divorcing Mikayla about five times. Jake could admit cheerfully to himself (and later his wife) that he couldn't have cared less if the music had also made Jesse's fake leg disintegrate.
"LOOK AT YOURSELVES!" Jake screamed. Everyone turned and gave their neighbor a once over.
"Don't you remember the good old days?! When we partied all night and drank like horses in the middle of July?!" Miley screamed. Everyone fell silent. "Nobody ever gets my similes." She mumbled.
Jake saved her.
"Don't you remember having actual fun? Don't you remember drinking until life looked so good you cried into the shirt of a stranger?! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THIS SONG?! Why are we letting old age hold us back from being just as kick ass as we were back then?! If you know who you are, then please, come get a drink. If you know where you stand, dance to this provocative and freaking amazing song. If you know the truth…scream it to the Heavens! Scream 'JAKE RYAN IS THE SEXY KING'!!"
Silence issued after Jake's empowered speech. The silence prolonged…until…
"He's right! Screw this! I'm getting my party on!" Someone yelled. One by one, people grabbed drinks, and proclaimed Jake's sexiness.
"This is Heaven." Jake mumbled happily to his wife. She started the music and dancing began. Jake stripped out of his clothes and danced around with a strength and freedom he hardly felt anymore.
The party was just getting wild when two officers busted in. They took in the scene and looked for the two they knew were behind something like this: Jake and Miley Ryan.
Jake and Miley looked at the officers, and at each other.
"Time to go!" Miley pushed Jake into his wheelchair and they flew down the steps and out the door. Miley stood on the back of the wheelchair and used it like a scooter to race down the hallways. The officers, who were a little (or a lot) out of shape, gave up the chase.
But of course, there aren't many places for a disabled, naked old man and his mischievous wife to go, so they ended up in time-out (after clothes were forced upon Jake). Their oldest child was called to scold them.
"This has got to stop, guys! It's ridiculous! I've got kids now! I can't be constantly coming down here to yell at my parents!"
Their daughter paced angrily in front of them and ran a hand through her red hair. She was born blonde, but recently dyed it red. Jake was so upset she dyed away his hair that he pretended to not know who she was when she first came to see them. He finally admitted to knowing her about ten minutes into the visit.
"But we aren't doing anything wrong, honey!" Miley argued.
Their daughter stopped in front of them and raised an eyebrow.
"You're initiating drunken parties! Half of these people are probably going to die from shock at the alcohol intake!"
"Anne, you don't—"
Anne cut her father off.
"Don't you even, Dad! I heard about last week when you ran down the halls naked screaming 'I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CLOTHES' at the top of your voice!" She snapped. She sighed and sank down beside her elderly parents.
"I just don't know what to do with you two!"
"We're just trying to liven up the place," Jake murmured. He sniffed. Miley frowned and hugged him.
"Look what you did!" She accused her daughter. "Like he's not already having a hard time! Your father can't walk! You must not know how terrible that is for him! And then you have to come and make him feel like a terrible inconvenience to the world! You should be ashamed, young lady!"
Jake let out a sob. "I only ever wanted to make people happy. I wasn't trying to be a bad person. I should just kill myself! Yes, that's what I should do! I should just down a bottle of the medicine the nurses keep trying to give me!"
"No, Daddy! You're not a bad person! I didn't mean it like that!" She wrapped her arms around him too. He let out a wail (that only Miley knew was fake) and pressed his face into his daughter's shoulder. "Everyone wants you around! You're doing all these people a great service!"
Jake slowly lifted his head. He wiped his red eyes.
"So you mean…I'm not being bad?"
Anne faltered. "Uhh, no! You're doing great, Dad! I'm so proud! I'm proud of you too, Mom! You guys are the best parents ever, and I'm going to bring the kids tomorrow to see you!"
Jake's tears automatically subsided now that he realized he wasn't in trouble anymore.
"Oh, good! I love my little grandbabies!" Miley said happily. Her voice hardened and she jabbed a finger at Anne. "You tell that ungrateful son of mine that if I don't see his ass here by Friday I'm writing him out of our will! Just because he married that tramp doesn't mean he's allowed to not visit the people who gave him life! And you tell your sister she better not be an exotic dancer on the side! I looked in her bags when she came to visit and she had some very skanky articles of clothing! She's still a journalist, isn't she?"
Anne was glad she was the good child. Her brother was distant and didn't have much to do with the family, and her sister had her own lingerie line. Of course, her parents still thought their youngest daughter was working with a newspaper.
"I'll be sure to tell him that, Mom! And I haven't talked to Mary in a very long time. I've been busy with work and the kids and everything. Anyway, I better go. I have to pick up Jace from soccer practice. Behave! I love you guys." She kissed her parents goodbye, and as soon as she was gone, Jake and Miley bumped fists.
"Great job, Jakey." Miley praised. "Now, let's go back to the room and work on our next prank!"
She pushed Jake down the hallway and his evil laugh echoed through the building, followed by a much-announced statement.
"I'M STILL THE SEXIEST!"