DICALIMER- All setting and characters in Code Geass belong to their respectable owners.
Truth of My Existence
What does it mean to exist?
Or rather, what does it mean to be real?
I believe that there exists a difference between the two. I believe that existing and being real are two completely different things.
But, what is the purpose behind it? Why do we exist, why are the things around us real?
What do you think…Lulu?
It would have never crossed Shirley's mind to think that if she entered this room so late in the night then she would find him here. She would have almost thought that she was dreaming if it weren't for the fact that she knew for certain that she was awake. Her hand was still perched gently on the long brass handle of the door and as she stood there she began to decide whether she was bold enough to enter the dark classroom. Shirley breathed softly as the air from the open windows in the hallway blew her nightgown around her bare feet, and the sounds coming from them made the tall green trees whistle nearby. Her heart began to quickly palpitate and she twirled her legs around as she continued to look through the small opening of the door. She could certainly make him out, it was most undoubtedly him, and distinguish his eyes so perfectly for where she stood. His beautiful violet eyes which she took in full sight as they were lit by the bluish glow of his grey laptop.
His face was impassive as those eyes of his scanned the glowing screen from left to right, his elegant hand so poised under his chin.
"Why on earth would Lulu be here so late in the night?" Shirley thought as she saw Lelouch shuffle in his seat as some papers where accidently thrown to the grown. If she where asked the same question then she would be able to give a quite logic reason. She just couldn't really put it into words right there and then.
She continued to stand there, trying not to breathe too loudly, trying to steady her racing heart beat so that in any event it would not give her away. To her, she was in danger of dying, because at any moment her heart would get tired of beating so fast and would eventually stop. Removing her hand from her chest she placed it gently on top of her other hand, feeling the smooth coldness of the handle on the door. Her hands where shaking as she gripped it despite the fact that she was holding it gently. If she was just brave enough to go in, then she would be able to finally see him there. She thought of all the times she had reached this room, wondering whether he was here or not, to find that this time around her was there…so close to her proximity.
Involuntarily she sighed, twitching slightly with the amount of noise that made. Shirley covered her mouth with her palm and closed her eyes, as she heard Lelouch say, "Who's there!"
She was shaking now, cheeks red with embarrassment and face pale with surprise. She had to go in know,
She had to go in, or Lelouch would come out and see her.
Lelouch would come out and see her spying him from the opening of the door,
"Lulu!" she cried out as if her bursting into the room so late after midnight was the most natural thing in the world.
"Shirley?!" Lelouch shook violently in surprise as he saw Shirley appear at the opening of the door, they met eyes for a moment and Shirley shuddered involuntarily.
"Can't sleep Lulu?" she said, smiling the smile that she was always trying to perfectionize, so that maybe, maybe he would smile with her,
In the darkness she couldn't tell if it was working.
Lelouch closed his laptop hastily and peered over at her, his face expressionless.
"And you?"He ended up saying, placing his laptop in his black satchel.
"I asked first didn't I?" Shirley said, sitting down next to him on one of the empty desks. She felt him tense next to her, but Shirley tried not to notice as she placed her hand once again on her heart. Maybe that would muffle the noise just a bit.
"Is this why you're always so tired?" Shirley asked before Lelouch could give an answer to her previous question. Lelouch merely stared at her with awkward eyes,
"Huh?" he let out as he strapped the bag to his shoulder,
"Yeah, are you always tired because you're sneaking out here in the middle of the night?"
The air smelled faintly of rain, the sounds outside penetrating the atmosphere unpleasantly, with the sounds of a lonely and long night. Shirley gazed at Lelouch expectantly, who looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Shirley couldn't help but think he wanted her gone, wondering where she came from and why.
"Are you coming in here to look at stuff you're not supposed to? Hmmm?" she placed a finger on the corner of her mouth and eyed the satchel he wore ruefully. Lelouch flushed and gave her an indignant look,
"N….no." he stammered out but she shook her head,
"Don't lie; guys your age are such pervs." She laughed loudly, her laugh echoing loudly against the dark chambers of the darkened walls. The laugh was a nervous but innocent one, but Lelouch kept silent. She looked away hurriedly and bit her lip.
If only it wasn't so hard to speak to him, to impress him, to fill into his expectations, whatever they happened to be. So far all she had done was be herself, but even that didn't seem to work. You always had to act a certain way, just so that she had a chance to meet eyes with him for a split second.
"I'm going to go now, it's late." He motioned to leave and Shirley blinked. And that was it, no explanation, no answers to why he was there, no questions asked to why she was at the door, no long conversation on why it was supposed to be a funny story. He was finally here next to her, and now he was leaving for no reason to why he was there in the first place.
Shirley needed one this time around.
"Lelouch are you hiding?" she whispered as her began walking towards the door. Lelouch looked back at her, a confused look on his face. "Hiding, Shirley?"
Shirley shivered at the sound of her name being whispered by his lips.
"Yeah, hiding?" Her body shivered again but this time from the cold air that blew in from the window. Lelouch who a moment had been so tense relaxed a little. He walked back where she stood and sat on one of the desks, placing his legs on the chair directly in front of him. In the dim light from the moon, his eyes gleamed with a tired but awakened look.
"Shirley." He said again but this time in a soft and eloquent "Don't you sometimes want to get away from everything, just for a little while?"
Shirley stood silent for a moment but then nodded, "Do you want to get away from something Lulu?"
She asked as she looked over at the door. A part of her wondered why he hadn't asked why she was awake by the door this late into the night.
Lelouch nodded at looked out the window. When he was in class, which where few to count, he was always looking out that same window.
"Lulu, what are you trying to get away from, when your barely even here?" Lelouch looked at her instantly and Shirley almost regretted she even asked. But after a moment he only smiled.
"I suppose your right, I'm never here and yet I want to escape what I pull off an existence in this school." He closed his eyes as he said that, as if he regretted having disclosed that with her. Shirley stood motionless trying to access what he just said. But even as she did that, she couldn't help but admire his face with the dim light that surrounded them, fusing in through the small panes of the windows.
"Even though your not here, Lulu, you still exist." Shirley said after a moment of silent contemplation.
Lelouch gave a small laugh, "Shirley what do you think existence is? Is existence a form of being, a simple state of that cannot be denied if you are in the presence of someone, or is it the state of having someone know that you are real. What is reality but lies, what is lies but existence?"
Shirley stood quiet in shock. It took her by surprise that Lelouch would think that way, and she wondered whether or not he was at odds on whether he existed or not. That was silly, he was right there in front of her, so close, but farther away then the most distant mountain. But despite the emotional distance that existed between them, he was real. He was more than real…he was….he was, Lelouch. Lelouch was the only word that could describe him, and as long as his name could be whispered by her then his existence was justified.
"Lulu…I….I don't know what your going at." Shirley said at last. Lelouch smiled as if that was the only answer he was expecting.
"I figured as much, but I'll give you my answer, If your willing to take it."
Shirley looked down to the floor and gripped her hands together, Lelouch continued,
"When lives are are filled with lies, our existence is already a lie. It's not real, there is no proof that can ever establish what or who we are, meaning we can't say we exist. We are merely just there, in the multitudes, without a purpose, because if no one acknowledges your presence, your power, then you might as well not exist at all. "
Shirley shook her head vigorously, "No, but weather you exist to other people doesn't mean, that your not real, Lulu."
Lelouch stared intently at her.
"When no one knows who you are, how can you justify yourself by just saying "I am here." What if your are a dream or creation by a greater being, what if your choices are manipulated, your past written out for you, your presence controlled, if others don't see you, how do you know you're not just a dream. A dream that someone else is dreaming, how do you know whether you'll disappear when they wake up?"
Lelouch pulled his satchel of his shoulder and threw it on the ground, "How do you know that what's happened is real when your refuse to believe that its happened, when you refuse to acknowledge it at all. It becomes fake, doesn't it?"
Shirley eyed the satchel on the floor and said, "But just because you don't remember it or refuse to know it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, Lulu."
"Shirley, to you….I might as well not exist." Shirley snapped her eyes up to Lelouch's whose face was steady and unreadable.
"What if every thing you know about me isn't real, does that mean I don't exist? I might as well just be a dream."
Shirley stood up and glared at Lelouch, "But you are here Lulu, your not a dream, I know, I see you right here, right now,."
Lelouch stood up from his seat and shook his head, "You see me right now, but you won't see me tomorrow, that desk." Lelouch turned around swiftly and pointed to the desk where he usually sat, "that desk will be empty and if you chose, you can just forget about me, and I won't exist anymore, to you, and if everyone chose, if everyone's memories where just wiped…then I would become fake. I would become lies and my true existence would mean nothing. Because no one would know how I felt toward all the friends I have treasured and lost on the way.
"But you haven't lost anyone!" Shirley let out, a confused look on her face, Lelouch just gazed at her from where he stood.
"Even so, that's just what I believe our existence is, bendable and easy to manipulate., in that way it's the same as reality which can be altered so easily That's why I come here, to at least exist for a little while in the walls of this empty classroom my reality becomes a bit more real.," he looked at Shirley, who stood silent.
To you I might as well not exist.
"You're wrong." Shirley finally said.
Lelouch raised his eyes, "Shirley?"
"Existence and reality are two completely different things. Even if people forget your existence, you're still real in their hearts. Even though our memories might be altered you still exist as long as someone has you written in their hearts, as long as your loved you'll always be real!"
Lelouch laughed again, "then not only don't I exist, I'm not real."
"That's not true! You are loved." Shirley whispered, gazing at his beautiful face once more.
"No one loves Zero." He said suddenly penetrating her eyes with his violet ones.
"Zero?!" Shirley said, surprise he would bring him up,
"Does anyone love Zero?"
Shirley took a step back thinking, "I don't know."
Lelouch shook his head, "I always wondered, I always wanted to ask you,"
Shirley blinked uncertainly, "Ask me what?"
"Do think anyone knows what Zero feels as he pushes those he loves away."
Shirley gave him an awkward look, as he continued to smile,
"Don't give me that look, Zero loves too, he's human isn't he? He's a warm-blooded man."
Shirley blushed, "I don't know." she said again.
"We see Zero, but he isn't loved, so he doesn't feel real, at least that's how I see it."
Shirley took a step forward to him, "But you and Zero are different."
Lelouch shook his head, "We are both more alike than you think Shirley."
Shirley closed her eyes and whispered, "No, No your not."
He didn't' respond to that and looked out again out the window. The tree rustled nearby and Shirley said, louder this time, "Lelouch, why don't you tell me what this all means, then maybe I can help you."
Lelouch whispered, without facing her, "Telling you would destroy you Shirley, It already did once,"
Shirley didn't know what to make out of it so she ignored that comment and went on, "Lelouch you have to put more faith in the people that love you."
Lelouch looked up at her, "No one can truly love me, not if what I am is nothing but lies. The true me doesn't exist anymore to anyone,
Shirley's heart began to race again but this time in anger, "No! Even if you say all that, people do love you, Milly loves you, , Rivalz loves you, Rolo loves you too, and I…." she paused looking for words that escaped her no matter how hard she tried to grasp them,
Lelouch looked at her intensely, which Shirley responded by looking away, "I know, there are more people that love you, and I know you love them back."
Lelouch gave her a pained look. He shook his head vigorously, "The people I have love the most have been taken away from me, and I in return pushed them away, please understand Shirley, what you say isn't applicable in my case, If I truly am real why don't I feel it, why don't I feel the love that you say everyone has for me?"
Shirley felt tears form in the corners of her eyes. "Then I am not real either."
Lelouch buried his face in his hands, "You are Shirley, because the true you isn't forgotten, not yet. Your real therefore you exist."
"No, I exist, but am not real because I am not loved." Shirley said raising her voice, "I'm here am I not Lelouch, but I don't feel real either, I feel like I'm forgetting something…something very important, and I'm afraid that because of that they might think that their existence isn't valid because I forgot, but I want to tell him that because he's in my heart…he's more than real.
Yes . Lelouch is real, he's more than real, because of all the people that loved him, she loved him. And if she wanted to she could extend her hands and brush the black strands of hair off his face and she could feel the subtleness of his lips on her fingers. He was the manifestation of her fears, of her worries, of her memories, but because she didn't know whether they where real or not didn't mean they didn't exist. That's why being real and existing where two different things.
Lelouch just stood quiet and bent down, picking up the satchel he had thrown earlier, "its time I left."
Shirley shook her head, "No!" she yelled, making Lelouch freeze in his steps "because in these walls I feel real too, I feel like I remember, remember everything, remember you Lulu. The real you. So you, in return make me real, and,,,,that way….even if the real us don't exist, we are more than real…." She was panting from the amount of strength that took for her to say and she swayed slightly.
Lelouch remained seated, looking for words to say but instead giving her a look of quite contemplation, "I see." He said at last, making to get up from for his seat. Shirley, without knowing, without caring ran to him and pushed him back on the seat. Quivering, trembling, shaking from every part of her body she leaned in and kissed him.
"No, you don't see." She said before her lips met his.
Lelouch tensed but relaxed and whispering "Shirley…." With a tense and pleading voice made to wrap his hands around her bodice. But before he could Shirley pushed him away, "Did that feel real Lulu?"
Lelouch stood quiet.
More than real.
Shirley woke up sweating and exasperated. She pushed the covers off her aching body and blinked several times trying to shake the feeling of sudden alertness away from her body.
Shirley shook her heads and whispered, "It didn't happen did it?"
She looked around and saw it was late into the night,, too late to be called night though, but to early to be called dawn. She looked around and tried to calm her heart down a bit.
'Calm down Shirley, you where just dreaming." Shirley closed her eyes and laughed slightly, "but just because that event doesn't exist doesn't mean it isn't real, does it?" she whispered suddenly
Shirley looked over at the window, "Am I forgetting something…, is that why… I keep having that dream." Getting out of her bed she stretched and looked over at the door.
Just because something doesn't exist doesn't mean it's not real.
Things that happen in dreams don't exist
Feelings that happen in dreams don't exist either …
Memories that are erased….mark the erasure of the existence of our true selves
And you feel it, even if you don't remember
But you know you are real.
As long as that name exists…
Shirley walked slowly to the door.
Even if you don't remember
And walking out
Things will exist as long as you strife to make them real.
She ran swiftly to the dark classroom,
A/N- I wonder if that made any sense? To make it clear, Shirley is having a dream where her insecurities about whether Lelouch is real or not manifest themselves in the form of Lelouch. Shirley is trying to battle her conscious, (Lelouch) who is trying to repeatedly tell her he is not real. (Since Shirley can't seem to remember something important- mnid wiping by Lelouch to be exact-) Shirley just keeps saying that as long as she loves Lelouch, regardless whether her memories are fake, he will be more than real to her. In the end, she wakes up and decides to see whether or not she might find Lelouch in the classroom, stating that things that don't exist can be made real if you try hard enough.
I hope you liked it though! This is my first oneshot actually,, but I won't ask you take it easy on me if its bad okay. I'm quite young so my views on reality and stuff might not make much sense, so feel free to tell me your opinions.
Please tell me what you think.
Lots of love, Dagger.