This is my first attempt at D. Gray-man fanfiction. I owe this to a friend, who turned me on to the series a few months ago.
Better Left Unanswered
Summary: The Noah clan tries to solve some mysteries that should just be left mysterious.
"What do you think Tyki does with the organs he pulls out of exorcists?"
"Maybe he has them preserved in a jar! If he does, I want to put a pair of kidneys in my room."
"He probably sells them on the black market."
"Organ meats don't taste sweet."
"Skin, if this conversation is moving too fast for you, go play with Jasdero and his chicken."
"Shut up, Road."
"Yeah, shut up, hi!"
The chicken Jasdero cradled like a doll clucked nonchalantly. Having a brain the size and general texture of a mashed pea, the poultry didn't realize it was in the company of lunatics. It wasn't even aware of the hungry looks Skin was giving it. He looked about one minute from tearing the chicken from Jasdero's hands and frying it in a vat of hot oil.
Devitto, who had started the whole conversation, aimed his gun at Jasdero. "You shut up, stupid. I really want to know what happens to all those guts. I don't want to wake up one morning and have Tyki strangling me with some dead exorcist's spleen."
Road, who knew more anatomy than a girl her age ever should, replied, "You can't strangle someone with a spleen. It's pretty small, like Skin's brain. With an intestine, sure, but a spleen would never work."
Jasdero whispered to his chicken, "Bet she's tried it, hi."
The chicken ruffled its feathers and continued clucking. Jasdero, who had never kept a pet alive for more than three days, squeezed it affectionately. Unfortunately for the fowl, the young Noah's hug was akin to being trapped in the coils of a 15 foot python. The bird's hollow bones began to creak ominously in Jasdero's crushing grasp.
"Hey, 'Dero, stop choking your chicken." Devitto said. He believed his comment was the pinnacle of wit. Road slapped him, proving otherwise.
Jasdero looked down at his chicken, and noticed how contorted it was. "Oops." He quickly released the traumatized bird, which staggered away.
"Anyway, why are you so worried about Tyki and his organs all of a sudden? You were only interesting in stealing his cigarettes before. Did he threaten you or something?" Road asked.
"He threatens me every day. 'If I catch you doing that with my hat ever again, I'll kill you. If you ever come in here again, I'll kick your ass. If you ever feed my Tease broccoli, I'll yank out every tendon in your left hand.'"
"Why the left hand, hi?" Jasdero asked.
"Don't answer." Road groaned.
Jasdero clambered closer to his twin. "I want to know. Why in your left hand?"
"Drop it or I'll get out the candles." Road said.
Jasdero winced and wisely retreated. He decided he'd better go and find some food for his chicken, before it starved or Road lost her temper and made everyone in the room regret ever being curious. The Noah gathered up his new pet and hurried off to the kitchen to find something chickens liked to peck.
"I feel smarter all ready. You know, Devitto, your brother might have an extra talent for us to exploit. Whenever he's in a room, everyone else's intelligence drops like a stone. If we could just get him into the exorcists' headquarters, he could disable them all. Then it would so easy for those of us who don't suck to wipe them out." Road said.
Devitto crossed his arms and glared at the girl. So Jasdero was about as smart as a cockroach. That didn't mean Devitto didn't love him, or made their bond as both Noah and brothers any weaker. Sometimes he wished Road would be stricken mute, all though if that happened she'd probably take to writing her insults. In blood.
"Don't look so grumpy. One day your face might freeze like that, and if it did, I'd have to kill you to spare everyone from having to look at you for too long."
In a sudden violent movement, Devitto rose from the chair he was seated in and kicked it across the room. Road yelled in protest and Skin applauded the destruction of furniture simply because he liked seeing things smashed. If stupid Road and even stupider Skin weren't going to be serious, he was getting the hell out of there.
"You owe me a new chair!" Road shouted.
"Go kiss your exorcist boyfriend, or something." Devitto snapped.
A fierce blush colored Road's gray skin a brilliant scarlet. "At least I have someone to kiss!"
"Yeah, too bad he doesn't want to kiss you back."
Road let out a shriek that would have driven most exorcists, except maybe stony, unshakable Kanda, scrambling for cover. Skin whipped his mostly empty head around, looking for a place to hunker down until Hurricane Road blew herself out. Since Road was petite and most of the things in her room followed form, there wasn't much in the way of a cover for a man Skin's size. He settled for tumbling off his strained seat and hiding behind its meager protection.
Several of the candles that provided illumination in Road's room took on a more sinister purpose. They flew at Devitto, their pointed tips aiming to pierce the chair-breaking Noah and turn him into a flaming pincushion.
"Shit!" Devitto said. Being scrawny and quicker on his feet than his twin, the Noah was able to dodge the first candles. Road wasn't going to forgive his rudeness until she saw blood and heard begging. She sent more of the candles after Devitto.
He'd have to be a certified moron to stay here and get skewered like a kabob. Devitto ducked below a seeking candle and reached the door. He was getting the hell out of there, running as fast as possible back to the inhospitable waste dump that was his room, and locking the door. Then he was pushing any garbage-encrusted piece of furniture he owned up against the door.
Just as Devitto escaped into the dark hall, a dozen tapered, striped candles impaled the door. Road shouted again, something about how Devitto owed her a new door and how he was going to die squirming and in great pain. She might have looked like a cute little tomboyish imp, but that girl could hold a grudge. The Noah of Bonds was pretty sure he and Road would be on unstable ground unless he paid her some serious reparations.
While he was concentrating on escaping the often-lethal wrath of Road, Devitto ran into someone. Or rather, he ran through someone.
"Tyki! If you see Road, tell her you didn't see me." Devitto said.
The well-dressed Noah looked down the hall, the noise emanating from Road's room reaching his ears. "What did you do? You weren't stealing her underwear or something like that, were you? If you were being a pervert, I'm going to hold you and let her punch."
"Like I'd want a little kid's panties! Why are you so stupid, Tyki?" Devitto asked.
A malevolent glint appeared in the Noah's golden eyes. "Hey, Road!"
"Shut up! She's got the candles."
"Ah. She's seriously mad then?"
"Duh. Please, Mikk, don't sell me out."
"Tell me what you did, and I might cover for you. Or I might not." Tyki said.
Devitto shifted impatiently. "I asked her a question, and it all went downhill from there."
"What kind of question? Something filthy?"
"No! It was about, uh, you actually." The Noah admitted.
That was something new. The only things the twins were normally absorbed in were their guns, illicit magazines from France, and trying to get booze and cigarettes. They never seemed all that interested in much else, and not in anything Tyki Mikk was up to, unless it was his smokes they were trying to abscond with.
"So, what was the question that started this whole mess?"
Far down the hall, Road's door banged open. Her voice, shriller than usual, warned, "When I get you, I'm going to break your legs and sit on you!"
"I asked her what she thought you did with all the organs and crap you took from exorcists! Okay, can I please go to my room before she finds me?" Devitto said.
Devitto tried to escape, only to have Tyki grab him by the back of his T-shirt and drag him to a halt. "Did you get your answer?"
"I got a couple of them. Let's do this later, all right? She's pissed beyond all reason right now. Damn, I hate those candles."
Tyki grinned, wondering just what kind of warped answers Road had given Devitto. She probably told him Tyki was building the perfect woman, assembled out of the stolen parts of various exorcists. Or maybe Road knew the truth. She had an uncanny way of getting information; of all the Noah family, she was the best at blackmailing the others.
"Tell me what she said and I'll save your hide." Tyki said.
"Road thought you kept the guts in a jar, 'Dero said you probably sold them, and Skin was useless, like always." Devitto said.
The whole clan, except for Lulu and himself, had been in on the conversation. As usual, when the Noah gathered and the Millennium Earl wasn't there to mediate civility, tempers had flared. Tyki was surprised anything productive had come out of the meeting before someone set Road off.
True to his word, Tyki released his hold on Devitto. The teenager quickly flashed him an obscene hand gesture before darting off for safety. The kid's footsteps had faded by the time Road arrived on the scene, her eyes blazing with fire and a dozen candles floating around her.
"Where's Devitto? Tyki, he broke my chair and he's going to pay!"
"Haven't seen him, Road. What's with all the howling, anyway?" Tyki asked.
"I need to kill something!" Road shouted.
"We're Noah; we all get that urge occasionally. Why don't you open a doorway to some remote Tibetan village, and slaughter everyone? Wouldn't that make you feel better?" Tyki said.
Road stomped her foot. "No! It has to be Devitto I kill. He smashed my stuff, not some Tibetan llama herder!"
"Llamas live in Peru, not Tibet. Maybe you should do your homework more often, huh?" Tyki suggested.
The fiery glare the superhuman girl gave Tyki made him wither. When she got herself worked into a state, mentioning homework was like throwing gunpowder into a fire. Holding up his hands in defeat, the Noah of Pleasure backed away.
"All right, go and look for him. I didn't see him come this way, so maybe he's trying to hide in the kitchen or something." Tyki said.
With her pointed vanguard of candles, Road stomped off towards the kitchen. As soon as she was out of sight, Tyki stepped into the wall and made his way for Devitto's room. He supposed he would tell the ungrateful little bastard what became off all those exorcists' bits and pieces.
A mound of garbage, Jasdero's impressive collection of fancy furry boots, and a closet door served as the barricade between Devitto and Road. Tyki was able to bypass the foul-smelling heap by phasing in through the wall like a phantom. In times like this, he was especially grateful for his talents.
"That is disgusting. Are you ever planning on cleaning this sty?" Tyki asked.
"Yeah, when Jasdero grows a broom from his ass and helps me. What do you want, Mikk? I'm busing making a barrier." Devitto responded.
"I want to tell you what I do with all those organs."
"I eat them."
Thanks for reading, folks. I'm not sure whether this should be a one-shot, or a series. I'll see how the cards fall.