Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

The First Full Moon
By Silver Sailor Ganymede

It is the first full moon of the beginning of the fourth part of Remus Lupin's life, and he doesn't remember ever consciously dreading or longing for his transformation like this before.

The first part of his life was when he was a child, a normal human child with not a care in the world. The first part of his life was the shortest, happiest time, and the only time when he did not fear the Moon. He does not even remember the first full moon of the first part of his life; he was far too young then to even know what the Moon was.

During the first part of his life Remus Lupin found the Moon beautiful if he noticed it at all. Back then it was not something to be feared.

He remembers the first full moon of the second part of his life. He remembers it with hideous clarity. The pain ripping through him, tearing muscle, bending bone, boiling blood. Nothing could have prepared him for that; even the cruciatus curse does not inflict such pain.

The full moon was always the same for him then: a dreaded night of pain and suffering, a time when he all but lost his mind and completely lost his soul. All that mattered was blood – blood and death. A child does not desire such things but a wolf cub does.

During the second part of his life Remus Lupin found that the Moon was a cruel mistress, one who enchanted him with her beauty then abused him as soon as she had him fully in her grasp.

The third part of his life began when his friends (James and Peter and Sirius – though he surely couldn't count the last of those three as a friend after what he did. No, never again after what he did) became Animagi in order to help him during the full moon. They had been there for him for years, but it was only when they first accompanied him during his transformation that he realised that he truly loved them and they him. Despite the pain the night of the full moon became almost fun, associated with mischief and laughter rather than blood and pain.

During the third part of his life Remus Lupin found that the Moon could be cruel and kind in equal measures, that he could retain his heart even as his soul and mind slowly rotted away.

Now it is the beginning of the fourth part of his life. James is gone. Peter is gone. Sirius is insane and locked away in Azkaban. And Remus himself is one again doomed to transform alone, to bear the Moon's cruelty without any support or protection or love. He is a monster and the full moon is the time that he is always reminded of that.

The pain feels worse than ever, though he knows that it is mainly in his mind. He wants to feel the pain this time. Wants to feel, not think. Wants to drink blood, crunch bone and tear flesh, not run around Hogsmeade with his brothers (his dead, insane and treacherous brothers, whom he's never going to see again – he feels it in his bones as acutely as he feels his heart racing, his sight sharpening and his fangs elongating).

This is the beginning of the fourth part of his life, and Remus Lupin knows that the Moon is a cruel mistress – but now he welcomes it. All he wants is the pain; the more he hurts the less he thinks; the more he thinks the more his heart breaks and the only human part of him slowly dies. Now Remus Lupin is gone. Only the wolf remains. The only vaguely human part of his mind wishes that he could stay in this form forever.