Hello readers. This is a fluffy little slice of lemon pie that popped into my head and was rather insistant on being written. I am alternating writing this story and my other story Gathering Dusk, so I expect to be updating about once a week.

I my mind this Edward and Bella are the same Edward and Bella from my Lemony Squickets story, but you don't have to have read that to understand this story.

Chapter titles will be taken from the song that I have running through my head when I write each chapter. Jerk It is by Thunderheist.

I don't own Twilight.


Someone was going to die. My money was on Alice.

Edward was finally finishing his medical residency. His accelerated years in medical school, countless hours of studying, 36 hour shifts, and one near nervous breakdown were finally going to pay off for him. Edward's father Carlisle had opened up a private practice back in Forks after Edward and Alice had graduated from high school. Edward was going to work alongside his father as a GP. I was going to commute to Port Angeles and Seattle on weekends to continue to shoot weddings. My art photography degree was earning me big bucks on the wedding circuit, but I wanted to devote more time to the art aspect of my career. I was looking forward to having more time to spend with my husband.

Alice was sad to see us leaving Seattle. She and her husband Jasper had built themselves a highly successful wedding planning business and they loved their life in the suburbs. They had recommended me as a last-minute replacement photographer for a bride whose photographer died the week before her wedding. I was two weeks away from graduating with a degree in Art Photography and a career was born. I was going to miss being able to pop over to visit my sister-in-law for coffee and giggles once Edward and I moved into our new home in Forks.

It was the impending move that led to my nightmare tonight.

Alice had declared that we needed one last girly night out before moving day next weekend. I should have been suspicious when Alice told me we could go out in our comfy clothes, no need to dress up. I was blissfully unaware of Alice's plans until she pulled up in front of what looked like a gym.

"Alice, why are we at the gym?" I asked, still ignorant of the torture ahead. Ignorance truly is bliss.

"Bella, do you trust me?" the little imp implored me with her Bambi eyes. My hesitation to answer seemed to break her heart. I swear I saw tears pooling in her large eyes.

"Most of the time," I replied honestly.

"When have I ever led you astray?" Alice questioned.

"There was the time you convinced me to wear stilettos to my wedding rehearsal to, 'practice for the real thing,'" I reminded her.

Alice had shown me the six inch heels moments before we were due to leave for the church. She had used all of her Jedi mind powers to craft a seemingly logical explanation for why I should wear the deathtraps. She explained that it would be so much easier for me to walk down the aisle in my three inch heels the next day if I could make it in the higher ones. She promised me I would be much less nervous about tripping down the aisle if I let her have her way with my feet. She had already finished strapping the shoes to my feet before she had finished her argument. I almost expected her to wave her hand in front of my face and say, "These are not the droids you're looking for." We were running late as it was and I had been left with no choice but to wear the evil heels.

In the car on the way to the church I couldn't help but admit that the shoes really did make my legs look fantastic. I felt sexy until I exited the car. I realized I was about as steady on my legs as a newborn calf wobbling its first steps. Jasper ended up carrying me into the church, declaring it would take me no time at all to get my sea legs. I would have punched him for his smartass remark if I could have caught up with him. Jasper is one speedy Texan.

Everything was going well until I reached the end of the aisle. Charlie mimed pulling my veil over my head to give me a kiss on the cheek before handing me over to Edward. The three stairs to the platform at the front of the church loomed in front of me like the Himalayas. I was sure I was going to die scaling to such heights in my flashy footwear. I needed a Sherpa.

I made it up to the minister unscathed with Edward's help. By the time the rehearsal ended Edward had prevented me from tipping over and possibly crushing his sister who was standing behind me at least five times. My feet hurt, my calves were burning, my toes were pinched and I was cranky as hell about not being able to see Edward after midnight. Edward managed to distract me from all of these annoyances when he leaned over and whispered into my ear.

"By this time tomorrow you'll be Mrs. Cullen."

The feel of his breath across my neck sent a shiver through me and Edward chuckled at my reaction. He knew from experience that my nipples would be hardening under my clothing. My breathing hitched in anticipation of tasting his lips on mine. I turned my body towards him to lean in for a kiss. Disaster struck.

The minister gasped as the heel of my left shoe dug into his foot. I think that was probably the last time Reverend Young and Hip used the excuse that Jesus wore sandals to get away with wearing his mandals on the job. He probably wears steel toed shoes at all times now.

I quickly moved to take my foot off of the minister's foot. I realized as my left foot was in midair that my right foot, which had gotten too close to the edge of the platform was also in midair. I let out a word not often heard in a church before crashing to the ground. I landed doing the splits, one leg on the stage, the other hanging off the platform. All of the breath seemed to leave my body in a large gasp as I registered the pain of landing so ungracefully on my muffin. It was just as well that I couldn't speak in that moment. The words flying through my brain probably would have reigned fire down from the heavens had they been let loose in such a holy place. I slumped off to the side, my right leg bent under me at an odd angle. Edward was at my side in an instant.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked frantically.

"I'm fine," I gasped, cupping my delicate feminine parts with one hand. "I have never been so happy to not have testicles in my whole life. I would have landed right on them."

"But if you had testicles you wouldn't have been wearing the heels," Jasper pointed out pragmatically.

"Stupid ovaries," I muttered, trying unsuccessfully to unwind the pretzel I had become.

Edward gently removed my shoes and helped me to stand up. I promptly fell back down onto my ass when I tried putting weight on my right foot. Edward picked me up and placed me softly on a pew in the front row. He pulled my ankle towards him and I shrieked in pain. My body twitched to get away from the pain that Edward was causing. My left foot flew out and I ended up kneeing Edward in the face. Blood spurted from his nose and I passed out.

I didn't come to again until I was being loaded into the ER by the paramedics.

"Hey there Bells, you had us worried for a while there," Emmett said. Emmett was my favourite paramedic. He had made me laugh through several trips to the hospital in his ambulance. He and his fiancée Rosalie had been invited to the wedding. "But it is smart of you to get all the disasters out of the way before the big day. Should I bring the ambulance tomorrow just in case?"

I ended up hobbling down the aisle barefoot the next day on my crutches. Alice had decorated my crutches with ribbons and flowers for the occasion. None of our family and friends seemed to find it odd that the bride and minister were both hobbling on crutches, or that the groom had two black eyes and a swollen nose.

I pulled myself back into the present.

"I still limp a little from that incident Alice. Edward's face was all bruised and puffy in our wedding photos because of you. And I broke a preacher's foot. I'm pretty sure that's a go straight to hell offence," I pointed out.

"But have I done anything like that since?" Alice asked.

"Not yet," I said.

"Then get your cute tush out of this car!" Alice demanded playfully.

Alice pulled me into what I realized was actually a dance studio. I glared at her scornfully before taking in my surroundings. There were several poles and chairs scattered across the dance floor.

"Alice," I asked carefully. "Is this building a former fire station?"

She shook her head no. I tried to make a quick escape, but Alice was able to get a firm grip on my ear before I could make it to the door.

"Just give the class a chance Bella. It's a fun way to work out and you could use some of these moves on Edward," she pleaded with me.

I finally agreed to stay begrudgingly on the condition that I would not be expected to wear heels. The instructor was understanding about my desire to dance barefoot when I explained the lasting effect of having previously torn a ligament in my ankle. I now walked like John Wayne when I wore heels. It was not in any way sexy.

"It's okay Bella," she reassured me. "Lots of men think barefoot is sexy."

I felt ridiculous at first, thrusting my hips and running my hands down my sides. I giggled with Alice as we dropped low to the ground and crawled across the floor towards the poles. The instructor told me to arch my back more and slide my knees. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I looked kind of like a cat in heat.

I started to feel a little less ridiculous and a little more sexy as I saw my reflection throw her hair over her shoulder and sinuously climb up the pole. We were taught how to swing around the pole and how to give a lap dance. I left the lesson feeling confident and sensual.

"Aren't you glad you stayed?" Alice asked me in the car.

"Yes," I said somewhat reluctantly. "You were right. I had fun."

"Just do me a favour and don't tell me about any moves you use on Edward. That's a visual I don't need," Alice shuddered.

"I won't," I promised. "Please don't tell Edward where we went tonight. I want to surprise him some time."

Alice agreed and wished me a goodnight as I carefully exited her car.

I stretched out my slightly sore muscles and tossed my keys in the table in the front hall of our tiny apartment after locking the door. I found Edward sprawled on the couch in his boxers with a medical book clutched to his chest. He was writing his board certification exam next week and had been putting insane hours into studying. He was nervous as hell, but I had faith in him. I gently pulled the textbook out of his hands and set it on the coffee table. Edward started mumbling something about myocardial infarctions and rolled off the couch onto the floor. He didn't even stir upon impact; he just rolled onto his back and started snoring.

There was no way I'd be able to drag him to bed, and I certainly couldn't just leave him on the floor overnight. I needed to wake him up to get him to bed. I nudged his shoulder gently and called his name quietly. Nothing. I shook him harder and said his name louder. Nothing.

I leaned into his ear and said, "I need your cock inside me right now."

Still nothing.

There was only one way to wake Edward up when he was this deeply asleep. I gently pulled his penis through the flap on his boxers and caressed around the head with my fingers. His cock hardened in my hands and his eyes shot open.

"Hi honey, I'm home," I said with a wink as I wrapped my hand firmly around the base of his shaft.

I licked my lips and placed a kiss on the tip of his engorged penis. Edward moaned as I gently sucked the top half of his cock into my mouth. He cursed loudly as I flicked rapid butterfly kisses over his tip with my tongue. I reached into the leg of his boxers with my free hand and cradled balls. I could feel them tightening in anticipation of his release. I quickly tapped out Morse code for, 'I love you,' on the underside of his glans with the tip of my tongue. Edward shouted his release and I swallowed every drop.

"What the hell?" Edward asked when he recovered his ability to speak coherently.

"You fell asleep on the couch. You rolled onto the floor and I couldn't wake you up to get you to bed," I explained.

"We're throwing out the alarm clock," Edward teased with mock sincerity.

Edward offered me a hand off the floor and we crawled in to bed together, too exhausted to do anything other than cuddle. I was almost asleep when Edward spoke.

"So how did the Strip Aerobics class go?"

I was going to kill Alice.


Let me know what you think.