Soo...I'm an ass monkey for leaving you guys hanging. I am currently hanging my head in shame hoping you'll all forgive me. To make up for it, the next chapter is half written. Why only half you ask? See the author note at the bottom for more deets.

As always, I own nothing. MsKathy is the shit.

Good Ship Venus by Loudon Wainwright from the album Rogue's Gallery was on repeat here. The words are very, very NC-17, so be forewarned in case you go looking them up. It's a traditional pirate song.

I pulled one of Edward's soft, white cotton shirts over my head with an evil grin. The material whispered pleasantly over my unbound breasts, bringing my sensitive nipples to hardened peaks. My fingers twitched, fighting the urge to tweak my own flesh. I fought down the urge to molest myself and continued dressing for the day. I pulled a pair of Edward's red and white striped boxers over my nakedness, still slightly damp and warm from my shower. My ever-expanding belly did a wonderful job of pulling the boxers up to reveal plenty of leg.

Edward's jaw dropped moments before his spoon dropped into his cereal as I entered the kitchen.

"You are an evil, evil woman," Edward muttered, picking up his spoon.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied with a saucy wink. I made sure to bend over to retrieve some fruit from the crisper drawer of the fridge, giving a little wiggle of my hips. Darn those strawberries for lurking at the bottom of the drawer!

"I'm talking about your outfit," Edward growled. I smirked as I noticed his cock raising a jaunty salute in approval of my apparel through his boxer-briefs.

"Well, we're just going to be cleaning today and you know how hot and sweaty these hormones are making me," I retorted with faux innocence.

"Hrmph," was all Edward said, readjusting himself before digging into his bowl of All-Bran mixed with Cookie Crisp.

Edward and I had not had sex in eight whole days. We'd been watching a Seinfeld marathon one night when the episode featuring the, 'Master of Your Domain,' came on. Edward had challenged me to see which one of us would win the title of Master over our Domain. The rules were simple: no touching of ourselves or each other in naughty ways. Only closed mouth kissing was allowed; even church tongue was verboten. Holding hands was fine. The first person to crack by either touching themselves or the other person would be the loser. The loser had to act out a fantasy of the winner's choosing.

The first couple of days had been fairly smooth sailing. We held hands and snuggled up to read or watch television. Our touches were innocent, a reminder of the beginning of our relationship. Then on the fourth day Edward had gotten down and dirty. He had volunteered to address and stamp envelopes the Dr's Cullen would be sending out to all of their patients containing a newsletter wishing them a happy and healthy New Year.

I found Edward in the kitchen that night folding newsletters deftly with his dexterous fingers. The same dexterous fingers that could make me come in under a minute. The same fingers that he used to caress and tease every inch of my body until I was begging for release. I actually whimpered as his tongue snaked out to lick an envelope. I was jealous of the damn envelope. I wanted him to work his tongue over my pussy so badly I had to sit down and place my hands on the table to prevent myself from touching my naughty places.

I decided then and there it was on like Donkey Kong.

I had tortured Edward for the next several days with increasingly skimpy lingerie. I'd hidden a pair of my drenched panties in his pillow case so that he would smell how aroused he had me when he climbed into bed. He retaliated by leaving a pair of his tighty whities in my pillow case the next night. Damn my hormones for making me so susceptible to his scent!

I had spent the last several days in a hormone leaden cloud of lust. I was going to make a man out of Edward tonight, bet be damned. We were having our parents over for Christmas breakfast the next morning, and I refused to spend another family gathering hiding out in the bathroom for a quick fuck. I wanted to take my time enjoying Edward.

My competitive nature would not allow me to merely throw the competition. I had to heat things up enough to break Edward. My plan was brilliant in its simplicity. I was just going to spend the day pretending I wasn't interested in throwing Edward down and ravaging him on the nearest available flat surface. I figured this would only serve to pique Edward's interest. I just had to remind myself to avoid ogling, eye-fucking, flirting, teasing, titillating and otherwise stimulating my sex-on-legs husband for the day. If that failed I would just have to give him his Christmas present a little early. He'd liked his cockring so much, I'd gotten him a full set of them.

I looked up from my bowl of Trix in time to catch Edward quirking his eyebrow at me. I realized then that I had been squirming rather inappropriately in my chair while plotting Edward's downfall. I blushed and ceased dryhumping the furniture.

Edward and I loaded the dishwasher in the kind of companionable silence achieved by years of intimacy. Edward volunteered to vacuum while I started to bake a loaf of sweet potato bread for Charlie. I started a batch of cookies while Edward dusted and cleaned the bathroom downstairs. Edward and I put on some music and had a fun afternoon decorating the sugar cookies and gingerbread men. I set the dining room table with the fancy Christmas napkins and placemats while Edward polished the silver.

"Edward, I'm going to clean our bathroom upstairs. Could you please change the towels in the bathrooms for fresh ones and put the dirty ones in the wash?" I asked.

"Anything for you," Edward agreed with a kiss to the top of my head.

Edward entered the bathroom in our bedroom as I was cleaning the tiles in the shower. I was scrubbing around the taps when I accidentally-but-totally-on-purpose twisted the knob slightly. I was hit by a quick burst of cold water. I squeaked and quickly turned the water off.

Edward rushed to my side to make sure I was okay. He stopped short when he saw the condition my clothing was in. The water had rendered my shirt see-through. My dusky nipples would have been visible even if they hadn't been threatening to poke right through the thin material clinging to my flesh.

"Oops," I said, trying to look innocent. Edward actually growled at me before stomping out of the room. Hot damn if that growl hadn't gotten me wetter than my impromptu shower. I felt really bad about upsetting Edward, so I quietly went after him to apologize. I didn't feel bad enough to change out of my transparent outfit, especially with Edward so close to his breaking point.

Edward wasn't in the kitchen, laundry room, living room or study. He wasn't in the dining room or the back porch. That left the guest bathroom. The door was closed and I approached it with caution. As I was nearing the door I heard Edward grunt. It sounded like his sex grunt. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt; after all, he did mix his Cookie Crisp with All Bran. One thing was clear: Edward was taking care of business. The murky part? Which business was Edward taking care of.

I decided to sneak up on him all stealth and ninja like. I crept up to the door and slowly turned the knob. Years of living with Charlie had given me catlike break and enter skills. I quickly thrust the door open and yelled, "Hah!"

Edward looked up at me like I'd caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. Only in this case, the cookie jar was his penis. The noise of my rather sudden entrance caused Edward to whip around reflexively. I guess going for so long without groin fun had given Edward a sensitive trigger. It was possible that the adrenaline of being caught with his pants down may have contributed to what happened next. Before I could gloat about my victory, Edward shot off a rather large load of jizz. At me.

"Cocksucking motherfucker!" I yelled as Edward's semen landed in my eye for the second time in my life. That man was going to do some serious damage to my cornea with his baby batter. I punched Edward in his man-mary gland as hard as I could before turning to rinse my eye under the tap. At that point I was so enraged by the pain and hormones I was seeing red out of the one eye that wasn't blinded.

"Shit, Bella. I am so sorry," Edward said, rubbing his sore he-tit.

"Is this some strange fetish you've got going on? Huh? Are you trying to fucking blind me?!" I screeched. The dogs of the neighborhood howled in harmony with my harpy war cry. Edward winced and apologized again. I pinched his nipple and followed it with another punch.

"C'mon baby, let me make it up to you?" he cajoled, reaching out to me. I wasn't about to let him off the hook so easily.

"No, I really don't feel sexy right now," I sniffled, walking away. I stormed off to the dining room to rearrange the plates, my eye watering and burning as I shifted the cutlery around so that it was lined up perfectly next to the plates. Organization was my heroin when I was pissed off. There was nothing more calming that mind-numbing busy work.

I was fussing around to arrange origami flowers out of the napkins when I felt Edward's gaze on me. I sat down, resolving to hang onto my anger.

"You won," Edward offered meekly as his opening volley. Conceding his defeat would not soften me. He was not going to get out of this one by being cute or playing on my freakish pregnancy hormones.

"I'm pretty sure I got the booby prize," I retorted disdainfully.

"Okay, we'll go with that," Edward agreed.

I studiously fiddled with the paper flower in my hand when I felt Edward's large hands resting on my shoulders. I closed my eyes and bit back a moan when I felt his hands slip under my shirt.

"How's this for a booby prize?" Edward whispered into my ear, teasing my nipples lightly with his fingertips.

I sat still as a stone. I would not give in, no matter how wet Edward's fingers were making my squishy girl parts. I didn't vocalize my disappointment when Edward stopped tweaking my nipples. I didn't look him in the eye when he knelt in front of my chair and I didn't make it easy on him to remove my shorts. I stared up at the ceiling when I felt his breath, hot and heavy flowing over my pussy. I didn't thrust my hips forward when he gently parted my folds, revealing my pink parts to him.

I crushed the napkin in my hand when Edward sucked my clit into his mouth and let out a shaky breath when he flicked it rapidly with his tongue. I squirmed in my seat when Edward slipped his tongue into my pussy, still not willing to look at him. He moaned into me, vibrating a tangle of pleasure that rippled out from my clit to my limbs. My fingers involuntarily found themselves tangled in his hair, pinning him to my center as I thrust my hips towards him. I still didn't look at him.

When my orgasm suddenly pulled me under I looked Edward dead in the eye, calling his name as I rode out my pleasure. Edward wasn't finished with me. He let me down and used his fingers and tongue to build me back up. Again and again I came, my walls crumbling more and more until I pushed Edward away from me.

"Stop," I murmured, too sensitive to continue.

"Am I forgiven?" he asked quietly, resting his head on my twitching thigh.

I looked down at Edward's puppy dog eyes. How could I stay mad at the man whose mouth was swollen and shining with the effort of his oral penance?

"Yeah," I said, letting him off the hook. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch about it. I guess it wasn't really your fault. I did surprise you in a rather vulnerable moment."

"Speaking of, your wish is my command," Edward said with a wink. "What would my lady like?"

"I'm not telling you yet," I said with a smirk. I hadn't actually decided on what fantasy of mine I wanted to act out with Edward, but he didn't need to know that.

Edward chuckled and kissed my inner thigh. He helped me out of the chair and we made extra cheesy macaroni and cheese together for dinner. The rest of the evening was spent preparing for the next day. Edward and I were getting ready to go to bed, but my eye was still bothering me.

"Edward, could you take a look at my eye? It still really hurts," I asked.

Edward pulled me into the bathroom and I flinched away from the bright light. I squirmed to get away, but Edward held my face firmly.

"Shit, honey, this is really red," Edward said, his voice full of concern. "I think we should take you to the ER."

We redressed, and I donned a pair of Edward's sunglasses before leaving the house. We were waiting in triage while the holiday festivity victims with more serious injuries were tended to. It was nearing midnight when we were finally called in.

"Mrs. Cullen, you seem to have some sort of debris stuck to your cornea," the doctor diagnosed after shining some intense light into my already hurting eye. "I'll be able to take it out without too much trouble."

I blushed to the roots of my hair. Edward held my hand as the doctor gently swabbed my eye before putting some antibiotic drops in and securing a patch over it.

"You'll need to keep that patch on for at least twenty four hours. If your eye feels okay when you take it off, you should be fine. If you have any continuing discomfort, you need to come back and see me," the doctor advised me.

Edward and I were making our way through the ER, wishing each other a Merry Christmas as it was now officially past midnight when we heard a familiar voice from behind one of the curtains.

"Bells? Is that you?" Charlie asked.

I threw open the nearest curtain only to find a sleeping senior citizen with a bare ass hanging out of his gown. I quickly closed that curtain and considered myself blessed that I only had sight in one eye at the moment.

"Charlie?" I called out quietly. He responded and I was able to find the correct cubicle. Fortunately my Dad's position as Chief of Police afforded him the dignity of keeping his own clothes on. I would hate to find him with his ass hanging out of a flimsy gown.

"What happened to you?" I exclaimed, seeing the large bandage that had been placed over Charlie's hand.

"I cut my hand wrapping presents," he muttered glumly, waving his injured appendage. "What happened to you?"

Again, I blushed. Edward smoothly stepped in and explained that I had some debris stuck in my eye, most likely from all the cleaning we'd been doing that day. I shot him a grateful look out of my one good eye. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to explain to Charlie that I'd had a piece of crusted Edward spunk stuck in my eye. I made a mental note to write Visene and let them know they really should make a Visene for that. If it can happen to me twice, it could happen to anyone.

"You should consider using gift bags next year," I advised Charlie before wishing him a Merry Christmas.

We were a tired group the next morning when we assembled to celebrate. Alice and Jasper were spending Christmas with his parents in Texas so that they could spend next Christmas with us and our baby. Carlisle and Esme arrived first, bringing boxes of gifts and a basket of fresh baked muffins. Charlie arrived moments later toting a laundry basket full of presents.

We had all arranged a Secret Santa to stuff the stockings this year. I was lucky enough to draw Edward's name. Edward had panicked over what to buy for Charlie until I told him that I'd already purchased everything needed for Charlie's stocking.

I cried a little when Esme produced a hand embroidered stocking for the baby, filled with onsies, baby socks, pacifiers and other supplies. Charlie blushed redder than myself when I pulled nursing pads out of my stocking. Everyone laughed when Edward opened a gift bag to find a bib that said, "My Dad's Cooler Than Your Dad!"

Edward's gift to me was something that I will cherish forever. It was a recording of Edward playing his very own composition on the piano. He had written an entire piece of music using the recording of our baby's heartbeat as his rhythm. It started off as a light, airy piece, bouncy and happy. I could hear his excitement about becoming a father woven through the little soprano trills. The strength of his love and dedication was evident in the strong, staccato chords that supported the structure of the piece. It was beautiful.

Edward's gift to the baby was no less endearing. He had stealthily recorded my heartbeat while I slept and used it as his metronome to record several lullabies for our baby. The slow, steady beat of my heart throbbed quiet but sure behind the sounds of Edward playing several well known songs, as well as a couple of songs he had written for me.

Esme and I were both in tears by the time Edward's CD had finished playing. Edward lightened the mood by presenting me with one final gift for the baby. As it turns out, he and Charlie were given the wrong time when they called to check on the new homeowner's basics course at Home Depot. As a consequence, they'd shown up an hour too early and were bombarded with the sound of two dozen tiny hammers. The associate running the Kid's Workshop had an extra kit and a large heart and let Edward have a little father/son-in-law bonding time. Edward was clearly proud of his creation as I unwrapped the piggy bank shaped like a fire engine. Esme, Carlisle and Charlie declared it the perfect place to start our baby's college fund, and they all contributed.

It was the best Christmas I'd ever experienced, even if I did look like a pirate in the pictures.

M'kay, so Bella won the bet. What is her fantasy? Well, my naughty little readers, feel free to let me know what you want. Voting/suggestions are open until Sunday, December 6 at midnight EST. I'm not looking necessarily at what suggestion gets the most nods...I'm open to creativity ;)