Disclaimer: Don't Own em Don't make money off of them blah blah blah...
Author's Note: This is the first Star Trek K/S fiction I've completed and uploaded.
I'm working on a much longer and much more serious piece, but in the meantime I wanted to get this done to cheer up a friend. Hope you all enjoy it. Its just for fun. :)
UHURA: (in a whiny snotty voice) ...Captain...we just received orders from Starfleet. We are to go to the planet AlphaDeltaGammaBetaCetaOmega IV62800912VXII42thenumber7theletterQ.
KIRK: Wow! I'd like to see the name tag for that planet! I bet its...BIG... And I'm impressed that you were able to pronounce that name Lieutenant, I bet very few can......corECTly....
UHURA:Well.... "sir" ... as you have most aptly pointed out in the past – I do have a very talented tongue.
SPOCK: *snort.. *
UHURA: Commander? Was I not one of your most gifted linguistic students?
SPOCK:I was not snorting at your linguistic skills Lieutenant, my implied insult was aimed directly at your tongue itself.
UHURA:See if I ever give YOU another tongue bath! Hrmff! (fumes and turns back to her station)
SPOCK:EW indeed! Why do you think I broke up with her?
KIRK:*-chuckles-* Lieutenant, what are we supposed to do when we get to AlphaDeltaGammaBetaCetaOmega IV62800912VXII42thenumber7theletterQ.
.....You didn't think I could pronounce it did you? PPPtttttt!
UHURA:They didn't say – and I don't care! (glares at the Captain and then at Spock and then at the Captain again)
KIRK:They didn't say... and you don't care... CAPTAIN!
UHURA:...captain..whatever...GAWD... * rolls eyes *
SPOCK:I'm pulling up the data on the planet now Captain. Perhaps a closer look will tell us what Starfleet has in mind.
KIRK:You can't pronounce it can you?
SPOCK:If I so desired to pronounce the name of the planet, I would do so...
KIRK:Then do so...
SPOCK: I don't want to. ANYWAY.....Its a class M planet, the atmosphere is similar to that of Earth and capable of sustaining life.
KIRK:What's the terrain like?
SPOCK:It looks just about the same as every other planet we've ever been to. You know, reallysimilar to a deserty area in the vacinity of Los Angeles California on Earth, with lots of paper mache boulders and fake looking plastic plants rearranged so that it LOOKS like we are on a different planet....sort of. Or at least the audience will think we are - because they are dumb and gullible like that.
KIRK:Anything else of interest?
SPOCK:Oh yes several things. There is an alien virus running amok and airborne all over the planet that ONLY affects red shirted ensigns from the Enterprise. And there's a mysterious cave, and a little city thing that looks remarkably like the set for main Engineering without the computers in the middle.
KIRK:Oh? Who lives in the city?
SPOCK:An over the top cliché bad guy who wants to kidnap everyone and make them do sillythings.
SPOCK:Dance jigs and give his midgets piggy back rides...
KIRK:Hmmm... okay – lets not go to the city then. Tell me more about this cave.
SPOCK:Well its meant to look Cold – like its made of ice – but its a perfectly reasonable temperature and you can prance around in there scantily clothed and be just fine. Also, while the set designers were trying to purvey a feeling of ice crystals – like in a frost freezer – it just looks like they plastered everything with spray Styrofoam.
KIRK:Low budget operation eh?
SPOCK:Indeed. The stalactites and stalagmites are very interesting. They all look like giant spray Styrofoam covered phalluses.
SPOCK:Phalluses...Penises, Cocks, Dicks, Cream filled Man Poles...
KIRK:Yes I know what phalluses are Mr. Spock. I was just shocked and confused. Why would the set designers do that – I thought this was a family show!
SPOCK:Perhaps they were hoping that pushing the ratings to a more mature level would attracta broader audience. Anyway – I find it quite amusing that if you were to Yank one of stalactites or stalagmites from the ground or ceiling and use it to arm yourself in the hopes of clubbing an assailant who looked just like Lurch from the Adams Family with it – you'd be standing there looking like an idiot holding a Styrofoam Dick while you were waiting for him.
KIRK:You have a vivid and perverse imagination Mr. Spock.
KIRK:Well so far the only thing I can figure is that we must have some annoying red shirted ensign on board that Starfleet wants to infect with this rampant alien virus.
How long till we reach the planet Mr. Sulu?
SULU:Um.... I dunno..??
KIRK:What do you mean you don't know?
SULU:You never told me to plot course, so I didn't...and you NEVER said Engage.. so.. you know.
KIRK: What HAVE you been doing Mr. Sulu?
CHEKOV:Zats not Freecell, zats minesweeper...and I am kicking of your ass on your high score.
KIRK:Gentleman, we have jobs to do – and you'll never beat Mr. Scott's high score on Minesweeper anyway – so just give up now. If we plot course immediately – how long till we get there.
CHEKOV:Keptan, if my calkulayshuns are correct, I can give Meester Sulu the plot coordinates to get us der in ellewen meenuts sir.
KIRK:Make it so...
CHEKOV/SULU/SPOCK/UHURA: Make it so???!!
KIRK:Oh right – those aren't my lines...wrong captain...sorry... Um. Plot Course Mr. Sulu. Engage! -- How's that?
KIRK:* flips intercom switch on his chair * Mr. Scott, do you have any annoying ensigns in in Engineering that I can borrow?
KIRK:An away mission – he'd get infected with some mutated alien virus and probably wig out and die or something – I dunno.
SCOTTY:Ooooh... I got jest the ticket fer ya Captain. You'll wanna come down here ta Engineerin and meet 'im urself! Aye he's a right git this one!
KIRK:Sounds good – don't tell him anything though.
SCOTTY:My lips er sealed Cap'n!
Mr. Spock – we need to pick an away team, head to Engineering and meet this git..er..Ensign, and then head to the transporter room.
SO... I'm going of course....
SPOCK:Captain, shouldn't your duty be to stay with the ship?
KIRKUmm.. yah ... probly but here's the deal. See I'm Young and handsome and AWESOME, (* Uhura snorts *) and adventurous and I'm not ABOUT to let anybody go off on some fantastic adventure and have all kinds of fun without me...
So I'm Going!
KIRK:And you're going of course.
SPOCK:Shouldn't it then be my duty to stay with the ship if you go Captain , since I am First Officer?
KIRK:Um... yah .. probly but here's the deal... See its .. (sung to the tune of SpiderPig) Spock and Kirk, Spock and Kirk, everybody loves Spock and Kirk, can they swing, from a web, no they can't they're not Spiderman, but look out...here comes Spock and Kirk!
So you see - wherever I go...you go. So You're Coming!
SPOCK:* raises eyebrows in a suggestive manner * I wish! – maybe later... But I'll go on the away mission if its that important to you Jim. You'll just have to promise to make it up to me later.
KIRK:* Chuckles and leers suggestively to Spock * Oh I Will.. I WILL! ANYWAY.... so we need to stop off in sickbay and get Bones – he's going, cuz if you and I are going, we may need immediate medical attention and we are more important than everyone else on board ship – so naturally we'll take the CMO. Who Else?
SPOCK:The Ensign – let's go meet him – maybe Mr. Scott too.
KIRK:I thought there was only four to an away team.
SPOCK:Usually – but if one is gonna bite it or get sick and have to beam back to the ship, then you can take a fifth to act as a replacement.
KIRK:Good Call – hey let's just have Bones meet us in Engineering.. Mr. Chekov, you have the Conn.
SPOCK: You are leaving the entire ship, its crew, cargo, and the lives of the away team...US... in the hands of a 17 year old adolescent boy?? Wouldn't it be a bit more prudent to leave Mr. Sulu in charge, even though he's not much older?
KIRK:Nah, Sulu's busy. He's playing freecell.
KIRK:Whatever. Anyway Chekov is like...really really smart and stuff.. and I like it when he has to make shipwide announcements with lots of V's in it. He can handle it. Besides my only other viable choice from the bridge crew present is leaving Uhura in charge, and we both Know that ain't gonna happen!
UHURA:Screw .. YOU!...
KIRK:NO THANKS! I'll leave that to Cupcake. He's your new flavor of the month right? .. Mr. Spock, you're with me. * exit to turbolift *
* * *
KIRK:So this is the Ensign?
KIRK:What's your name son? And why are you out of uniform?
ENSIGN:(wearing only black pants and shirt) The name's RickyBruce Dunderhead sir. And Mr. Scott won't let me wear my uniform shirt sir, he says I'm a disgrace to it.
KIRK:Fair enough. Tell me about yourself Ensign RickyBruce, you have any family at home?
RICKYBRUCE:No sir – they're all dead sir.
KIRK:* smirking * Oh that's too bad, how bout a girlfriend?
RICKYBRUCE:No I nearly had to smite her too, but in the end I just broke up with her.
KIRK:Smite her too? Um... Okay – what happened to your family and why did you nearly have to smite your ex-girlfriend.
RICKYBRUCE:Well My ex-girlfriend doesn't adhere to the word of God Captain. She invited me to attend the wedding of some friends of hers... a GAY couple!! In fact she not only thinks that Homosexual relations are okay – she thinks guys kissing other guys is ... is... HOT!
OH the ABOMINATION of it all... It sickens and disgusts me and causeth mine eyes to bleed.
MCCOY:Like Andorian Shingles? I can fix that! * readies a hypospray *
SPOCK:(looking angry in a Spockish sort of way) So you are a Homophobe? Forgive me Ensign RickyBruce, but I though Humans were more enlightened than that in the 23rd century.
KIRK:We are – he must be one of those Bible thumping Born again Christians... They all still use Shampoo Conditioner .. IN ONE *gasp * so they haven't evolved.
RICKYBRUCE:Yes I AM! And Proud of it Captain – I adhere strictly to the laws of Leviticus as put forth in the Holy Bible. "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." (Leviticus 18:22) and... "if a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." (Leviticus 20:13)
KIRK:I see.. and tell me, what happened to your family?
RICKYBRUCE:Well I had to stone them and smite them naturally.
KIRK:And why's that?
RICKYBRUCE: OH the Atrocities they Committed Captain. It was terrible. My Father ate LOBSTER! On a Frequent basis! And Leviticus 11: 10-12 clearly states that shellfish are an abomination! "But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you." "They (shellfish) shall be an abomination to you; you shall not eat their flesh, but you shall regard their carcasses as an abomination." "Whatever in the water does not have fins or scales; that shall be an abomination to you."
My mother was even worse Captain! She planted Carrots AND PEAS in the same vegetable garden! And then she planted Zinias AND Mums in her flower garden! Can you Believe that?!
So naturally I had to smite her. Because Leviticus 19:19 says that you may not plant two seeds in one field. "thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed"
KIRK:Naturally.... anything else?
RICKYBRUCE:Oh yes, my sister! My sister was the worst of all. SHE Captain, had the gall to wear a shirt of poly cotton blend. And it is an abomination to wear blended fabrics Captain. Deuteronomy 22:11 forbids wearing a material made of wool and linen, but Leviticus 19:19 says it's an abomination to wear any blended material, period. Would you like me to quote those as well sir?
KIRK:No need Ensign. I've heard enough. I've decided that you are Just the man for the away mission we are about to embark on. Now – run along and change into a red uniform shirt and meet us in the transporter room.
RICKYBRUCE: Yes Sir! (exits engineering)
KIRK:You wanna come along Scotty? This could be good.
SCOTTY:I canna go on an away mission. I'm wearin Red Cap'n. I dinnah want ta die!
KIRK:Scotty, this isn't "Lost" or "Heroes", we don't kill off our main Characters! You CAN'T die on an away mission.
SCOTTY:OH! Well in that case, you betcher sweet petute I'm comin along. Thes is gunna be gud! Biggoted racist basterd!
MCCOY:He's Racist too?! Oh that's just great. How the Hell does he manage to live on a Federation Starship with all of the alien races we have on board as crewmates?
SCOTTY:He's a selective racist. He only dislikes jews and Black people. Won't even eat in the cafeteria if Lieutenant Uhura's in there. Sum days I'd like ta club his skull with a wrench.
KIRK:Wow that's harsh. I'm not fan of Nyota, but that's because she's a whiny snotty bitch with an attitude and doesn't respect my AuthoraTAY! Not eating in the cafeteria because she's Black?! - That's Bullshit! What is he – some kind of 20th century Nazi KKK member?
SCOTTY:He'd be tha Grand Dragon but only I hear the robes wuz made of a RaimeCotton blend.
ALL:GASP! Not a RaimeCotton BLEND!
CHEKOV:(over the communicator) Keptan, we hev arrived at......, at......, at za planet Keptan.
KIRK:(speaking into the communicator) You can't say it can you?
CHEKOV:I am not even goink to attempt it sir.
KIRK:HA! Good man Mr. Chekov. (looks at Spock) See... HE knows when to bow to the master. * wink wink *
Gentlemen – shall we disperse to the transporter room?
SPOCK:Indeed. I am quite anxious to get to the planet's surface and observe the effects of the alien virus on the young Ensign. I found myself increasingly agitated during his obtuse, bigoted, homophobic, and ridiculous rantings. If he had continued I would have found it necessary to fragmentize his cranium betwixt my metacarpalled appendages, and sustain the distribution of allotted force until the parietal, frontal and occipital regions shattered, displacing the cerebrum, cranial fluid and hemoglobin within.
MCCOY: Dammit I'm a DOCTOR, not a Universal Translator! What the hell did he just say Jim?
KIRK:Well Bones, You're a Doctor, you should have understood it...
MCCOY:Oh... well then I wasn't paying attention... That green blooded hobgoblin is so damn long winded that I just zone out when he starts talkin'. What'd he say?
KIRK:He said the kid's and idiot and he wanted to crush his skull between his hands until it popped like a zit and his brains and blood oozed out all over.
MCCOY: I feel the same way – but as Doctor it goes against the Hippocratic oath to inflict harm. Times like this I wish I weren't a Doctor – but I don't know what the hell else I'd be!
You've made that clear on many occasions Dr. McCoy.
KIRK/SCOTTY * gigglesnort *
* * *
SCOTTY:(Looking over the edge of a cliff) So how long's this gonna take? There's some luvly crystalline structures down ther that I'd like ta take a betta luk at. They luk kinda pointyfrom 'ere but they mite be sum sortuv dilithium derivative.
MCCOY:(following RickyBruce around with a tricorder scanning him). Oh he's infected just a matter of time before the symptoms manifest.
RICKYBRUCE:Manifest?! * growls and starst foaming at the mouth * They already have....DOCTOR! (lunges at the Doctor snarling). FIX ME!! I'm a pariah in the sight of God!
MCCOY:(Dodging out of the lumbering kid's way) Sorry kid. I left the cure for this alien virus in my other hypospray. Which is in my other pants. Darn it all to HECK! (snaps fingers insincerely with smirk on his face)
SPOCK:Yes, I believe you are a pariah in the sight of your God. Though I doubt he's all the way out here observing...THIS planet.
KIRK:Just admit you can't pronounce it.
SPOCK:I will admit no such thing. - Perhaps we should experiment with further antagonization.
KIRK:Good idea. Hey RickyBruce! Check this out!
(Kirk grabs Spock, fondles his butt cheeks and plants a big wet one on him – Spock returns the kiss with fervor and thrusts a little back at Jim just for fun.)
RICKYBRUCE: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! You are an abomination in the sight of God! NOW I must smite you and stone you and kill you, you gay assed bastards!
SCOTTY:* Gasp * You SWORE!! *sing songs * You just broke a commandment – You just broke a commandment!
MCCOY: Actually he didn't – its only taking the Lord's name in vain that's a commandment.
KIRK:You can't smite us or stone us or kill us Ensign – we're senior Starfleet officers and you'd be court martialed. Besides, What about your OWN abomination? It's Much WORSER than ours!
RICKYBRUCE:What are you talking about?
KIRK:Your uniform of course. Its ALL BLENDED FABRIC!!! *dun dun DUN *
Your pants are a PolyNylon Blend, Your undershirt is a PolyCottonRaime Blend with Gortex for extra moisture wicking, and Your lovely red Uniform Shirt is a PolyRayon MICROFIBRE BLEND!!
RICKYBRUCE: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT GORTEX AND POLYRAYON MICROFIBRE!!
I AM AN ABOMINATION!! I must SMITE MYSELF!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH (Runs for Cliff's edge and hurls himself offof it)
The others rush to the edge of the cliff.
MCCOY:He's Dead Jim!
SPOCK:Are you quite certain Dr. McCoy?
KIRK:Yah Bones – are you sure.
MCCOY:Well no I'm not sure. I mean I'm all the way up here and he's all the way down there and even though my tricorder is a pretty dandy little gadget – I can't scan him from all the way up here. But its a two story drop and he looks dead.
SCOTTY:I guess the only way ta know fer shur is ta go down there eh? That's ok by me – I wanted ta check out them crystals enyway.
KIRK:How are we gonna get down there? Climb?
SPOCK:If the terrain is indeed similar to that of the other planets we've been to Captain, I believe we can just go around that big fake looking rock over here to our right and instantaneously find ourselves at the bottom of the cliff with little or no effort.
SCOTTY:Oh yah – he's right.
MCCOY:Good call – I'm a Doctor not a Spelunker! Besides I'm afraid of heights.
They go around the rock and right in front of them are several spiked crystalline structures and the body of RickyBruce. McCoy scans the Ensign. Scotty scans the crystals.
SCOTTY:Nope, not dilithium, quartz of some sort. But they're reelly pointy litul bastards arnt they. We cud make a sword outta them fer Sulu.
KIRK:He'd like that.
SPOCK:What is your assessment Doctor?
MCCOY:He's not dead Jim – just knocked out. Possibly electroencephagraphically challenged. Can't be sure - I'm picking up some weird readings with that Alien Virus.
KIRK:Can you wake him up?
MCCOY:I'm a DOCTOR not a......... Oh right ya – I'm a Doctor – of course I can wake him up. (injects him with a hypospray)
RICKYBRUCE:* groggily snarls * What happened?
MCCOY:You flung yourself off a two story cliff you git! Because you're an abomination remember?
RICKYBRUCE: But I'm still alive! NOOOO! I must SMITE myself AGAIN!! (gets up and runs head first into the cliff and falls to the ground – gets up and repeats this several times.)
SPOCK:Perhaps you are not smiting yourself hard enough Ensign Dunderhead.
MCCOY:Oh he's doing it plenty hard, he's fractured his wrist, his nose and three ribs and given himself a concussion and he's gonna puncture a lung pretty quick – but he's under the influence of the alien virus and isn't feeling any pain.
SCOTTY:Son, mebe you should try those pritty pointy crystals ovar ther.
KIRK:Oooooh good Call Scotty!
RickyBruce turns and sees the crystalline structure. Lets out a ferocious howl and runs straight into the structure impaling himself in many different places. Pointy spikes are sticking through his arms and legs and torso. One gigantic one is sticking out the back of his head and another gigantic one is sticking out the middle of his back. Blood and guts are everywhere. Its Awesome!
MCCOY: He's Dead Jim!
KIRK:SWEET!... er.. I mean.. You are sure he's dead this time - right Bones.
MCCOY: Jim, I'm a Doctor, not an undertaker, but this man is definitely DEAD - see that chunk of tissue up on the point of that spike - that's part of his heart!
KIRK: How ... Unfortunate. I suppose. At least there's no family to notify.
SPOCK:Still, we will have to notify Starfleet and they will want an explanation.
KIRK:Blame it on Alien Viruses and Blended Fabrics Mr. Spock. He had no choice but to smite himself. He was after all an Abomination! Sad day.... * tee hee hee *
Mr. Scott, have a security team beam down here and clean this mess up
Mr. Spock, Dr Mcoy – lets return to the ship –
I believe I made some promises to you earlier Spock that I intend to keep. * wink wink nudge nudge *
SPOCK: Oh goody!