Got to Love your Family
A/N – Thank you, oh amazing xx-twilight7-xx for inspiring me with your funny story, "Bored of Eternity"
Summary ~ Pin the tail on the donkey, muffins, pink miniskirts, a fluffy teddy bear, and toothpaste. What does this have to do with the Cullens? Oh well, they still love their Family! Nessie and Jacob will be included. Bella is vampire. After BD
Disclaimer ~ I don't own Twilight or anything affiliated with Twilight.
4. Evil is Jasper!
Hmm… ME IS BORED! "Bella! I am thinking you should come help me!" I screeched. Bella staggered into the room wearing nothing but a towel. I hardly noticed her, for she was hardly exposing any skin at all! And when you are a teenage vampire with depression issues, we notice skin exposure and omg omg omg, is that a-a-a…. A BUTTERFLY!
"I know what we can do! We can hire a ventriloquist to make a puppet out of this dead goldfish!" Bella held up a dead goldfish. "I named him Dead Goldfish." Her eyes were filled with love for the moldy corpse. OH NO! She is replacing meh!
"That's a stupid idea Bella." I nagged in my best nagging voice.
She went all cross eyed at me. HOW DARE SHE? I watched her as she stomped away.
I'm still bored. Must. Entertain! MEH! Oh, I know! I shall sneak into the un-private minds of my fambily members. Hmm…. I am tuning in… CARLISLE!
What is this? I have discovered… Orville Redenbacher! I wonder… munch. Popcorn tastes shiny!
Oh no! He discovered Jasper's Popcorn stash!
Next I shall listen in on…. ALICE!
Ohhhhhh, I'm a crazy lucky ducky, cause lucky rhymes with chucky! My monkey ran to the gas station and bought a bunch of truckies. The Monkey got mad when a Llama stole his buckies! La tee da, this is the ducky song, bee huh tree! It really is quite long! OHHHH!
Well… That was weird.
I pick… Oh, there are so many choices… ESME!
I wonder if Carlisle likes melted chocolate dribbled onto his chest while I strap him to the bed?
EW! NOW I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE! EWEWEW! GOOD GOD, MOM!
I choose you, pika-Jasper!
Mwahahaha. Phase one of my evil plan is in motion. Now for some joyous music. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Only a hippopotamus will do. Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy. I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
Oh no! I got Jasper a rhinoceros for Christmas! He's gonna be so pissed!
Well, it's just Emmett and Rosalie left. Ew…
I wonder what happens when you put a hobo in the microwave?
Emmett, you weirdo.
JASPER! NOT COOL! Drat him and his evilness. He shoved me in my closet, which only locks from the inside, and locked the door! Now I'm trapped with Emmett! There is no escape!
Bella ran in fully clothed. "I got another idea, Edward! We could play… TRUTH OR DARE!"
"No. There are way too many fanfictions with 'Truth or Dare' and it is so unearthly boring! And not to mention the clichés. God Bella! Use your brain!" I huffed angrily.
Her lower lip trembled.
Psh, who cares about her lip! Look at what she's wearing! That sweater, so huge! Those jeans, so bland! OMG! I think I might be turned on!
"Damn girl…. You look so fine all dressed up like that, oh yeah!" I shouted. Bella struck a pose! "Oh, the way that sweater is so baggy and covers up every inch of your skin! It's too much! Bella, you whore!"
"I'm sorry, Jasper! I know it's hard for you!" She fell to the ground in grief; WAIT A MINUTE!
"Jasper? What the majorly cute puppies?"
"I can explain!" Bella pleaded! "I spilled purple juice on my sweater so I borrowed Jasper's sweatshirt! It's not my fault!"
"EW! That's my insanely evil brother!" I was repulsed. "That's it, Bella! Cover yourself up, we are visiting…." DUN DUN DUN! "MY FAMILY!"
I snatched Bella off the floor and burst out of the window! "Quick! To the Edward-Mo-Giraffe!" I hopped onto my Giraffe and rode towards the main Cullen house at the speed of grass growing! The wind flew through my hair!
"I believe in Tinkerbell!" I sang out with glee!
Wham! We ran into the side of the HOUSE! Oh no! Stupid Edward-Mo-Giraffe! You need your brakes fixed.
I hopped down from the silly giraffe, dragging Bella with me. I burst into the house. "Zot snoes! Me heb belanden honk!"
"So, you dare call me foolish…?" Jasper whirled around, twirling his fake mustache, an ebil glint in his evil eyes.
"DRAT! I am too late!" The sights around me horrified myself and Bella. Bella fell to the ground, sucking her thumb in horror… My family was tied up with aluminum foil! NOOOOO!
"Edward…! You must save us! This aluminum foil is to strong! Save us before…." Esme started giggling "Have you ever noticed how weird your hair is?"
"Shut up, Mother!" I wailed.
"You have dreadful hair!" Alice screeched.
"I like it…" Bella whispered from the floor.
"This is no time for hair discussions, which is reserved for Gay Tuesday at Taco Bell." I said calmly. "Now! Jasper, I challenge thee to a fight in which warriors will battle it out to save the things they cherish and then…. What was I going to do?"
"Duel me." Jasper filled in.
"Ah, yes! I challenge thee to…. A riveting game of Monoply!" I screamed!
TO BE CONTINUED
"I wanna be the car!" Jasper screamed!
"That's my favorite piece!" I whined.
"Noodles!" Jasper responded.
"That's it!" Alice stood up, tearing the foil off of herself and the other Cullens as though it were steel or some other light weight metal. "Jasper, my evil husband, let's go to the mall where we can dump spoiled goopy carbonara onto unsuspecting shoppers!"
"Oh, goody! Step 321 of my evil plan!" Jasper tore the moustache off and scampered after Alice.
"Nobody loves me!" I wailed!
"True." Bella nodded. "Nobody, not even your Edward-Mo-Giraffe."
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"Zot snoes! Me heb belanden honk!" This means "Foolish ducks! I have arrived home!" in Dutch. Please correct me if i am wrong.