The two songs in the last part are "Tarzan and Jane" and "The Sailor Song" by Toybox. And yes, if this fic is anything to go by, I am temporarily insane.
Harry and Draco were serving detention with Snape on Sunday night ... they had to restock his cupboard full of old potions.
They were stuck in that cramped little cellar, with Draco on the ladder, and Harry grudgingly handing him the potions bottles to neatly stack. Harry glared at the back of Draco's head as he handed him another potion, but Draco didn't notice - probably because his shine serum not only bounced back candlelight but also the scorching flames nearly shooting out of Harry's green eyes.
They were working silently, not speaking to each other. They heard Snape enter the Potions dungeon, and heard his swishing robes as he sauntered around the room beyond the storeroom, probably brewing something. Harry was just about to put a cork in another bottle, when he got a whiff of the most potent stench. It smelt like old milk ... or warm garbage ... or fish .... or rotten eggs.
"Eurgh!" He said, scrunching his nose, holding the potion at arm's length, thinking it had gone rancid.
"What the devil's wrong with you now?" Draco asked, sneering.
"The potion," Harry said, his eyes tearing from the powerful smell, "I think it's gone bad."
He held it up for Draco to smell, but Draco didn't want to. He backed away from Harry, and fell right off the ladder. He fell in a neatly folded pile at Harry's feet. Harry would have laughed, if he were not afraid of opening his mouth and unknowingly breathing the smelly air. Harry was holding his hand out to help Draco, who spat in it angrily. Harry wiped his hand on the back of his robes disgustedly.
"Damn you, Potter!" Draco said, getting up and massaging his bruised behind, "You did that on purpose!" There was a maniacal look in Draco's eyes as he stood up, holding his arms out to strangle Harry muggle-style, when his perfectly beautiful face wrinkled in disgust as he smelt something awful.
"Fuck, Potter!" He said, pinching his nose as he backed up into the wall, knocking out a few potions, "Did you fart? Is that your defense mechanism when someone comes to strangle you?"
"No, I didn't fart, you plonker!" Harry said hotly, "I told you! The potion's gone bad!"
Harry held it out again for Draco to sniff, and Draco hesitantly took a fearful whiff.
Draco shook his head, pushing it back, making it spill on Harry's robes. "No, that's not it." Draco said, "This potion smells like fucking roses compared to what I'm getting."
Draco looked at Harry skeptically, "You sure your bunghole isn't sending us any messages from the interior?" Draco stepped back, waving a long-fingered hand in front of his face as the smell grew stronger, "Merlin Potter! That's some smoke cloud! And you call yourself a gentleman, trying to skunk me to death?"
"I'm telling you, It isn't me!" Harry said angrily. His face was going green from the smell. Harry conjured a pair of clothespins and had fastened them to his nose, which helped a little - but he could still taste the foul taste of rotten eggs and decaying flesh.
"All right, let's play a little game, Malfoy," Harry said nasally, "First one who finds where the smell is coming from can leave - the other one can finish the work here."
"You're on, Potty," Draco said, stealing the clothespin from Harry and snapping it on his own pointy nose. "Hope you like stacking bottles all by your lonesome."
Harry growled, and he didn't waste any time. He began sniffing around, trying to see where the smell was strongest. Draco took the hint, and energized his efforts to match Harry's. They both looked on the verge of retching, but that didn't stop them from throwing dark looks at each other threateningly from time to time. Harry crouched down on all fours, sniffing near the floors. Draco scampered up the ladder, and stuck his face out like a lookout, and was pivoting his head, his nose fixed on the sickly smell.
Outside the storeroom where Draco and Harry were sniffing out the stench like bloodhounds, Snape was too busy brewing his late night potion to notice any of the strange noises coming from the two of them. His robes swished vigorously as he moved briskly around his dungeon.
Suddenly, Harry, who had his nose pressed against the floor, looked up in the direction of the dungeon outside. His green face turned pale as he finally realized where the stench was coming from. Draco, like in every other aspect of his life, didn't have Harry's superior olfactory senses, was still sniffing helplessly around. He was going pale too - only because the smell was making him lightheaded. It was so foul it was making him high - he was seeing things just like that time he had bought some innocent-looking mushrooms from the Weasley twins.
"Malfoy," Harry said gruffly, his eyes tearing up, "I think it's Snape."
"Blblblblblblib," Draco said dizzily, his eyes glazed over "What- what did you say, Potter?" He shook his head, and jumped off the ladder, stumbling back into Harry's arms, who pushed him away.
"I said, the smell's coming from Snape," Harry whispered feverishly so Snape couldn't hear them.
Draco began to laugh hysterically, saying loudly, "You're trying to blame your ass bomb on our beloved Potions Master? For shame, Potter."
Harry tried shushing him, but it was too late. Just as Draco spoke, Snape swept past the cupboard, muttering darkly as he reached for a vial in the storeroom, not even looking up at the two boys. Harry and Draco were blacking out and seeing hazy purple spots as he got closer.
His oily hair glistening in the dull light, Snape walked closer, and Harry leaned back, holding back the treacle tart vomit climbing up his adam's apple. Snape's hair smelled like ... feet. What the hell?
Snape sneered at the pale students, "It appears that my work is too much for you pansies. That'll remind you to not talk when I'm lecturing." He looked them up and down curiously. Draco's eyes were rolling in the back of his head. Snape sneered, walking out, "Potter, take Mr. Malfoy to the hospital wing. And be quick about it. I don't want him fainting in here."
Snape swept out the door, and Harry had to lean on Draco to keep his knees from buckling from the smell of chicken that was coming from Snape's skin. He wasn't sure to be hungry or disgusted. Draco and Harry were holding each other, trembling. They hadn't been this shaken even when facing off against Voldemort. The sour stench of Snape's hair was killing them ... slowly.
Harry nearly retched. His voice was high-pitched, "You heard him. We're free! Let's get out of here!"
Draco was nearly blind, he held an arm on Harry's shoulder, as they both had to crawl out, holding on to the desks as they managed to escape. They lay panting outside the dungeons, the memory of the smell still refusing to leave their poor noses.
"Bloody hell, what was that?" Harry said, leaning against the wall, taking deep breaths of the fresh air.
"I dunno," Draco said, wheezing, "But we've got to do something about it."
"Are you daft?" Harry asked, not liking where this was going. Harry tried backing away from Draco, but Draco grabbed him by the collar before he got too far. "The only thing we're going to do is complain to Filch about the smell - maybe he can use that old mop on him ... or if he can't bear the stench himself, Filch can just hold him out a window by his ankles, and beat him with a broom like how they clean carpets or something."
"You heartless fiend!" Draco said, sounding hurt, "That's our Professor in there! Don't you give a damn? He's suffering! He's probably never even heard of hair gel - the poor fool! Can't even afford soap! Probably has to make it himself!" Draco's eyes misted as he imagined Snape churning a cauldron of lard and giving up.
"Then does he make his own special blend of dead rat shower gel?" Harry asked, "Does he skulk about the castle collecting first-years' wet socks for cologne?" Harry paused, "How in Merlin's name can a wizard smell so fucking bad?"
Suddenly, Snape appeared at the doorway, looking down at the two students laying spread eagle on the floor beside each other, looking peaky. "What are you two dunderheads still doing here?"
They both got up - the speed with which Snape breezed to the door had entirely destroyed their sense of smell. Their faces crumpled, tears streaming down their face.
"Make it stop, Professor!" Draco screamed, "It hurts!"
Snape rolled his eyes, and turned back to leave, when he felt Harry grasp his legs.
"For the love of Merlin," Harry closed his eyes, sobbing, begging, "please ... don't saunter."
Snape shook Harry off his legs, and turned on his heel, sauntering back inside, his robes swishing and billowing like a smelly parachute behind him.
That last move was too much for their already sensitized noses. They both fell back, their eyes rolling into their head. Draco's nose had a trickle of blood streaming down.
"He had to billow his robes, didn't he?" Draco cried desperately, trying to spit out the smell, "Why does he hate me? I thought I was his favorite!"
Harry scrambled to his feet, pulling Draco up, and they nearly hung out a window as they took in lungfuls of air. When they were rid of the nightmarish smell lingering in their nostrils, they turned to each other, unable to stop from laughing.
"You know, Snape could bottle that scent and make his own line of nonlethal weapons," Harry laughed. "We could have been rid of Voldemort ages ago."
Draco snickered, "You know what would be funny? If we cast the Imperius on him and made him take a bath."
Harry bent over, laughing, but couldn't help admire the idea. "Malfoy, that's brilliant! Let's do it! You're good at dark magic, why don't you cast the spell?"
"You serious?" Draco asked. He paused, thinking, "I like the way you think, Potter," Draco said seriously, and he held out his hand, and they shook on it.
"Don't you think we'll get a special services to the school award for this?" Harry asked.
"Har har," Draco said, smirking, "Now let's get to it. We don't have all night."
The rest of that hour, in the light of moonlight, they put their heads together, whispering feverishly. Draco often took out his wand and hit Harry over the head with it when Harry suggested something stupid, but for the most part, they were getting along.
A few corridors away in the Potions dungeon, Snape was just finishing up scooping up the potion from his cauldron, wiping his brow. He had been working for three days straight. He had papers to go over, exams to grade, students to fail ... in short, his life was full. He had no idea that there was an evil plot on his life being pulled that very moment. Just as he put away the cauldron, two heads peeped in the door, watching him, stifling snickers.
Draco waved his wand at Snape, and the Potions Master stopped moving, his black eyes going blank.
Behind the dungeon door, Draco cast the Imperius spell, and began chanting slowly in a whisper, "I want to take a bath right now. A long, hot bath. I want to take a bath. A long, hot bath. I want -"
Snape suddenly felt strange, like someone had slipped something icy down his back. Holding a goblet in his hand, he had the strangest thought running through his mind.
"You pea-brain!" Harry whispered to Draco impatiently, "You're not hypnotizing him, are you? Anyone could do that!"
"Don't yell at me! I get nervous when people yell!" Draco cried, "Okay, stop looking at me like that - I'll try it again. I, Severus ... Teatus Snape, am going to take a bath right now."
"You made that middle name up just now, didn't you?" Harry asked, rolling his eyes.
"Shush," Draco whispered, "Look, he's doing something."
They watched him closely. Snape suddenly dropped the goblet he was holding, and he mindlessly kicked off his boots. He was about to pull off his robes, when -
Harry yelled, scrambling behind the door to cover his eyes, "No! No right now! Malfoy, make him stop! Not in the Potions Dungeon! Ew! I make potions in there!"
"Let me try it this way then," Draco said, waving his wand at Snape again, "I, Severus Snape, want to bathe and shower and shampoo and spray cologne like I've never wanted to before. Actually, I probably have never wanted to do ever in my life ... Anyway, I am going to the Prefect's Bathroom and I'm going to take a long, hot bath till I don't smell anymore ... there, that should do it."
They watched him again. Snape suddenly felt that icy cold feeling traveling down his spine, and he had the strangest feeling. He stumbled past his bubbling cauldron to leave out the door. He felt strangely euphoric. Why was he so excited to take a bath? Shouldn't he be finishing up his potion? He didn't care about anything anymore - all he wanted to do was bathe and scrub and loofah till his skin was burnt.
Harry and Draco were so happy that Snape was going to shower, they hugged each other. They stepped back after a few minutes, clearing their throats.
"Let's follow him!" Draco said, making to follow Snape down the hallway to the Prefect's Bathroom.
"Wait a minute," Harry groaned, holding out an arm to stop Draco, "Let's leave a fifty foot trailing distance. I can still smell him from all the way over here. God, he smells like goat cheese - does he even eat goat cheese? ... Hang on, Malfoy, why'd you send him to our bathroom? Why doesn't he have his own -"
"Does he LOOK like he has his own super luxurious bathroom with Olympic swimming pools, bubble taps, a million types of shampoos and soaps, heated terry towels, and perfumed waters in every fragrance?" Draco asked, "... Yeah, I didn't think so. Poor sod! How does he live with himself? Now shut up bothering me, Potter, and let's go."
They scurried to the fourth floor, and saw Snape standing outside the Prefect's Bathroom like a blank statue.
Snape himself was wondering why he was there - he hadn't seen this place since he was studying at Hogwarts decades ago. He waited patiently out the door, not knowing the password, but feeling like he'd find out soon enough. The urge to bathe was strongly overpowering him. He could hardly stand it, and he was more excited than when he failed Hufflepuffs.
Harry and Draco, who were standing behind a suit of armor, were arguing animatedly, ignoring Snape.
"Malfoy," Harry said heatedly, "I forgot the password! Do something! He's just standing there!"
Draco looked at Harry disgustedly, "It's 'Manicure' ... Damn, Potter, when was the last time you bathed? Maybe we should have a special bathing project for you too."
"Not that it's any of your business," Harry's face went bright red, "But I don't like to sit in hot water. It makes your swimmers sad and confused."
"Who ... gives a FLYING fuck about your swimmers?" Draco asked, rolling his eyes, "You know, Potter, I'd rather you didn't breed really. So tomorrow I'm going to Imperio you to jump into a hot spring and never leave ..."
Harry gasped, "You prat!" He spoke down soothingly, "Don't worry, my sweets. The mean albino isn't going to hurt you ..."
"Are ... you talking to your pants?"
"Never mind that!" Harry said hotly, suddenly remembering that Snape was still drooling in front of the bathroom door. "Snape's still staring at the door like an oaf! Make him go inside and we can get out of here!"
"Fine!" Draco whispered the Imperius spell again, "I, Severus Snape, am going to say the password and enter the bathroom."
Snape dully said the password, and the door swung open, to reveal the large bathroom all aglow in a blue light. He stumbled back, slightly afraid. But the voices in his head urged him on pleadingly, and he relented. Snape walked in, and he could hear strange shuffling sounds behind him as if someone was following him.
"We're ... not going in there with him, are we?" Harry whispered, his eyes wide as saucers.
"How else are we going to make sure he washes properly?" Draco said shrugging.
"What? Potter, don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm going to enjoy seeing Snape naked."
"Yeah, yeah, Malfoy, keep denying it ... Wait, what? We're seeing him naked?"
Draco patted Harry on the head simply, "Oh Potter, you amuse me."
Harry tried running away, but Draco had him by the collar of his robes, and he struggled weakly. "But - but what about that muggle saying ... you can take a skunk to the river, but you can't make him bathe ... or - or something like that ..." Harry looked confused by the words coming out his mouth.
Draco smiled evilly, "Well, we're bathing the skunk whether you like it or not."
Harry scowled angrily at Draco. How had he gotten mixed up in all this? He pushed Draco's hands off his collar, and stood up straight. "Oi, look over there, Malfoy. Your skunk looks confused again. Tell it what to do."
Draco gasped, "Don't you talk about our handsome (on the inside) Professor that way! Respect, Potter!" Draco made to whip him with his wand, "Now, where was I? Oh right ... I, Severus Snape, am going to open all the taps till the pool is filled with water. Then, I'm going to get some fluffy white towels from the warming rack over there, and I'm going to undress, making sure to aim my scepter and crown jewels away from the door where two unfortunate students are hiding ..."
"Don't tell him that!" Harry said pleadingly, cringing behind the door, "What if he can hear us?"
The voices in Snape's head went silent. Snape felt suddenly impelled to go to the taps, and all that could be heard was the squeaking sound of rusty taps opening, letting a gush of colored water fill the swimming pool. He stood back, and his feet went of their own accord to the towel rack, which was steaming with fluffy white towels. He touched it, and he felt a shiver of unknown fear. But ignoring it, Snape slowly began to undress. He tossed his gray underwear aside with a flick of his ankle, and there was nothing to him except a skimpy towel covering his treasure island.
"Ah ha ha ha!" Harry roared, "This is so funny! I wish Ron was here to see this!"
Draco shushed him furiously, "Stop laughing at our Potions Master's gray underwear ... even if they have seen better days ..."
"Maybe they're a family heirloom or something," Harry whispered, "Hey, Malfoy! Look at this - Accio Professor Snape's underpants!" Harry was laughing, then suddenly shrieked, "Ah! They're coming straight at me!'
"What do you expect when you Accio something? You stupid numskull ..."
Suddenly, the gray underpants were soaring straight at Harry, and landed neatly round his neck. A muffled shriek from Harry forced a loud laugh from Draco. Harry, however, was running around behind the door desperately, his hands outstretched.
"I think it's stuck to my head!" Harry yelled, "Malfoy, get it off!"
"Potter, get away from me!" Draco yelled back, suddenly frightened as he ran from Harry, "You look like a headless horseman with that thing around your head!"
Harry slipped on a bar of soap, his legs meeting up and kicking Draco in the teeth. Harry had managed to knock himself out running into a door, and was lying unconscious with the underwear still covering his face.
Snape however barely heard anything that was going on - as all his attention was on the loud taps gushing with water. The colorful water was brimming with rosy perfume that filled the room. The mermaid in the glass window was hiding behind her hair, turning away from Snape as if she could smell him too. Snape stopped in slowly, his arms outstretched like a mystified mummy, the pinkish water growing black as the dirt filled the pool. He began scrubbing mechanically, his black eyes distant as if he was barely thinking.
Suddenly, the Imperius lifted as Draco was busy casting dark curses on Potter's unconscious body.
The voices in his head had stopped entirely, and he felt like his senses were returning. Snape looked around confusedly - what the hell was he doing ... bathing? Cursing himself, he was about to consider if he was having one of those nightmares again, when suddenly there was something inside that felt happy. He hadn't bathed in twelve years, not counting the time he took walks in the rain to loosen the grime. He took a deep lungful whiff of the perfume around him, and leaned down smelt his soapy skin. He shuddered - memories of soap were painful. Suddenly, he felt so strange ... so fresh. He began turning the taps on again ... there was one with blue bubbles. But he didn't want that one. He turned another one, and it sprinkled white foam. He kept going till he stopped at one that let out giant pink bubbles ...
"Oh God," Snape said, sounding enchanted, "Is - is that pink bubbles? Pink Strawberry Bubbles!"
Snape breathed in deeply - he couldn't take it anymore! It was too much! He couldn't resist the temptation! He began snapping his teeth, swimming around the pool like a shark and devouring the delicious strawberry-flavored bubbles. Suddenly, he dunked his greasy head under the foam, and he disappeared underwater.
Meanwhile, Harry, who was out cold on the floor, had woken up as Draco tripped over him as he was casting an elaborate hex. Both of them were cursing each other, completely forgetting the submerged Snape, when suddenly -
In a sudden burst of water, Snape exploded from the bath in slow motion, his hair flying back sexily, his wet face delighted. His hooked nose suddenly looked as aquiline as Lucius Malfoy's, and his skin was glistening. Bubbles were floating everywhere, and the bathroom was covered in pink foam.
Harry and Draco were unable to look away.
Snape's glistening chest was dripping with water, and ... he had abs.
Harry's mouth dropped open. Draco closed it for him.
"Who is that ... and what did he do with Snape?" Harry asked in a whispering voice.
They watched him closely from behind the door. Snape turned away from them, wading in the water slowly to reach some more jets of bubbles, and they could see the deep muscles of his back.
It was Draco's turn to drop his mouth.
"Ahh!" Snape sighed, oblivious to them, running his hands through his hair, and wringing it, sending water flying everywhere. Snape began lathering his luscious hair furiously, there was foam and bubbles flying everywhere, hitting Harry in the face, and he suddenly realized something as he flicked the soap from his nose.
"Malfoy," Harry said whispering, "We did it! We got Snape to bathe!"
Draco and Harry suddenly grinned at each other, and began dancing together behind the door.
Draco began singing in a whispered voice, still dancing with Harry, "Snape is handsome! Snape is strong! He's really cute and his hair is long!"
"Are ... you singing the Jungle Song?" Harry stopped, laughing.
"Potter!" Malfoy smirked, "Just look at him. Who wouldn't?"
Harry peered behind the door, where Snape was sticking his legs out the soapy water and filing his nails. His once-decayed teeth suddenly glimmered like pearls, sending flashes of light to bounce off the mirrored glass. Harry turned grinning to Draco. He was right about Snape - but there was something else that made him grin. Draco's singing was magical - it made everyone around him want to instantly sing and dance too. Harry began pelting out the song loudly, "Snape is handsome, full of surprise! He's really cute and his hair is nice!"
While Malfoy laughed, Snape suddenly snapped his head in their direction, forgetting his strawberry bubble dinner.
What was that? The song suddenly went quiet. Snape frowned, confused. Was - was he singing and didn't know it? Was that just an echo? Snape was sure the only one who knew that song in Hogwarts, anyway - it had to have been his echo. Snape gobbled up another strawberry bubble, and then hesitantly began singing in a high-pitched voice, "Oi oi oi oi ay! I am Snape from jungle, you can be my friend!"
He thought he heard snickering, but that could have been his imagination. Snape waved his wand, and a bright happy music filled the bathroom. If Snape was going to bathe ... and sing .. he might as well dance. He picked up a bar of soap, and shook it like a bartender would shake a drink. He flexed his arms, and caught his reflection in a mirror, stunning himself. He winked at his reflection, perfect teeth glimmering. "When you touch me, I feel funny ..."
Snape paused, waiting for his echo.
Draco groaned behind the door, smacking Harry in the face for his stupidity, and began to mimic and echo Snape perfectly. "... mmmm touch me, I feel funny ..."
Snape sighed, satisfied. He began dancing with his reflection, throwing his arms up, shaking his moneymaker, "When I am dancing, I feel funky ..."
He stopped, waiting again for his echo. This time, Harry elbowed Draco, not wanting to be outdone, and unknowingly sang the next line in his own voice, "Why do you keep ignoring me? - Oops!"
"Potter?" He spat. There was no mistaking that strutting peacock's despicable voice. Snape snapped his wand - the music suddenly faded.
Harry cringed behind the door, as Draco was thumping him over the head angrily. Harry was trying to disapparate. Nothing could be worse than this.
"POTTER! GET OUT OF THERE NOW!" Snape roared, gathering bubbles around his waist to hide his nakedness.
Draco pushed Harry out from behind the door, and tossed the underwear at him. Snape frowned confusedly as Harry was glaring at a door, then turned to give a sheepish grin at Snape, blushing to the roots of his hair. "You - you see, Professor Snape, it was all because of the rotten eggs. And the garbage. And - and - he made me do it!" Harry pointed at the door, "And - and please don't give me a detention - Hermione will never let me live it down. She'll will call me names - terrible names -" Harry was sobbing hysterically.
"Shut up Potter!" Snape narrowed his eyes, "Ten years of detention ... making haggis for my pygmy puff -"
Still unseen by Snape behind the door, Draco couldn't bear to see Harry so distraught - he was sobbing into Snape's gray bloomers, blowing his nose into it as Snape elaborated on the strange punishment, which included things like "making feather dusters out of your own hair," "Cleaning the u-bend" and "kissing Hagrid's giant arse."
"And give me back my underpants!" Snape bellowed angrily."You pervert!"
Draco laughed at Harry's pained expression, and then decided Potter had suffered enough. He knew the only way that would calm Snape down.
Draco burst from behind the door, doing a pied-a-terre, dancing jauntily. He began singing in his sexy voice - which was enough to send grown men go mad. It could turn entire streets of muggles into dancing, singing lunatics. Draco sang in a deep sexy voice, knowing Snape wouldn't be able to resist this song - the most powerful song of all time. "Sailor man ... you really turn me on ... Now the guys are gone ... now let us get it on ..."
In the middle of his dance, Draco threw Snape a towel, and Snape caught it, wrapping himself up and emerging from the water. His hair was sparkling in the light. The mermaid looked at him longingly - not to say anything of Harry and Draco. Hesitantly, Snape joined in the song. "Girls like me ..." Snape continued haltingly, unable to resist, "... Are really hard to find ..." Snape looked up, suddenly happy, "So if you go, I'll kick your heiney!"
Harry sniffled the last of his tears - Draco's voice really was magical. Snape began running his hands through his fluffy hair. Draco and Harry grinned at Snape, and they all joined arms, dancing out the Prefect's Bathroom, skipping in the abandoned hallway. Snape waved his wand and the music began again. They sang at the top of their lungs:
"Sailing, sailing, jumping off the railing,
Drinking, drinking ... till the ship is sinking,
Gambling, stealing ... lots of sex-appealing -"
Suddenly, they heard a girlish scream from the Headmaster's office, and the three of them stopped dead. They heard a panting figure running down the hall and they stopped their dancing, looking at the figure fearfully as if they were caught. Dumbledore was coming at them, his beard flying, and he skidded to a showy stop in front of them, holding a stitch in his side, "I - I heard singing! Someone was singing my favorite song! I know it!"
"It was us, Professor," Harry said slowly, "Wait ... why were we singing anyway?"
Draco shrugged. "I dunno."
Snape, his towel still wrapped around his waist, said knowingly, "This always happens to me whenever I bathe! Don't you know how dangerous it is for humans to see me in my natural form? Don't you want to know why I cover my delicious hair in pounds of grease, and spray myself generously with Slug and Jigger's 'Keep them Away' special stink perfume? If I don't, then everyone falls prey to my irresistible charm! There are some girls in the castle that still find me sexy even after all that stink and grease!" Snape sighed, "The woes of being a Snape ... the only thing Snapes can never resist is strawberry bubble shampoo."
Dumbledore was barely listening. He tried not to stare at Snape's abs and shimmering muscles - maybe he had secretly been using the thighmaster he had got him for Christmas? Dumbledore shook his head distractedly, "I - I don't care about all that, Severus! All I want to know is, were you or were you not singing the Sailor Song?"
"Aye," said a gruff voice behind them. The four men turned around, startled. It was Filch, hidden in shadow, leaning against a mop, and he was looking at them with beady eyes. "Aye, that he was ... Pity they stopped. It was really good, if I do say so myself."
They were all silent.
Nobody said anything.
Draco couldn't bear not finishing the song Dumbledore had rudely interrupted. Looking at everyone in the eye, including Filch, Draco began singing slowly, "... Sailing, sailing, jumping on the railing ..."
Harry grinned, joining him, "... Drinking, drinking 'till the ship is sinking ..."
Dumbledore jumped in with a twinkling of his eye, "... Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing ..."
Filch grinned, his yellow teeth shining, "... Come, let us sing the Sailor Song!"
They locked arms, and began dancing and twirling. Filch was holding on to his broom with one hand - Dumbledore was holding up his beard - Harry still had Snape's underwear in his hand - and Draco was holding out his other hand to Snape. Snape groaned, taking it, and finally joining in their midnight debauchery. They all grinned. They set off down the dark corridor, arm in arm, dancing, with the light of Draco's wand leading the way.
They sang together, their voices echoing happily:
"So if we all come together, we know what to do
We all come together, just to sing we love you!
And if we all come together, we know what to do
We all come together just for you!"
At the end of the last word, Harry joyfully tossed up the gray underpants at the ceiling, where it caught on Peeves unscrewing a chandelier. He screamed shrilly, rushing about the castle with it stuck on his head.