Welcome to Teenage Wasteland, you must be wondering "gee, why doing a crossover between 2 series that have nothing in common?" I'll tell you. If you look closely, this 2 series have more coincidences than you think: both of them deals with teenagers and stereotypes, one in a real life mode (Daria) and another in full cartoon mode (TDI). The possibilities that the 2 universes creates are endless, and I'll humble try to do my best with the characters (largely not butching them… not that much…). Reviews are largely welcomed
And now the legal notes
Daria is a trademark of MTV Networks; TDI is a trademark of Fresh Inc., Teletoon and Cartoon Network.
This is a work of fiction, made without looking for profit, just for the fun of it.
Now, Onward with the story
"Well, that was something interesting" a girl said while she watched the credits of one of the most bizarre news show in United States, "Sick, Sad World", "after all the mistakes and misfortunes, Canada is capable of pulling a reality show that surpass any expectation that most of the networks here has with those shows that they try to force feed us" she added as she cleans her lenses with a tissue "and that's rather extraordinary, I must add".
"And you are surprised?" another girl who was lying with her head upside down in the edge of the bed also watching the same TV "our brothers from up north have that eccentric taste on the "what the hell were you thinking" department, do you remember that show? How was it called?" she tapped her chin with her right index finger while she smiled a little bit remembering the lost, but sociopathic wise hours lost in front of the tube "yeah… "Yapping at the Yukon" how do that network pulled that out for our viewing pleasure, I can't imagine it".
"it just need a decent law firm behind them, a cast of psych ward cases, and the never ending and relentless quest for good and cheap ratings" the girl with glasses stated matter-of-factly "but who knows, maybe the quest for the proverbial 15 minutes of fame tends to shut down the rational part of the brain, because, you have to have serious mental issues or being mildly masochist to stand 1 week in that place, let alone have a full 8 week stay" she declare in a deadpan tone while she stretched her limbs "I have seen Brazilian favellas that are more friendly than the set they use, those cabins are waiting for a mighty wind… or for the look of it, a small breeze to collapse, and don't get me started on the environmental hazards".
"Yeah; shark infested waters, bears and other wild life running amok within the show's ground and almost toxic waste in the same place… and they say that we are the freaks?" she said with a hint of sarcasm "crap, look at the hour" she uttered while she pointed to the wall clock right beside them "9 pm"
"I can see it, parental figures must be worried sick… even if they know that I'm at your home" The girl with lenses said as she stood up from the bed and went to pick up her backpack, she's wearing a brown t-shirt and black skirt, an olive green jacket and black doc marten boots. Her hair was brown and shoulder length, barely brushed, that gives her the "do I care how I look?" look that she doesn't care about it. "As usual, it's been cool to waste time with you" she spoke as she went down the stairs that lead to the first floor and the front door
"Yup, anything that can get you out of the Fashion Gestapo's biweekly rally at your home" the other girl retorted, she was wearing a black t-shirt and black shorts, a red shirt with the sleeves rolled up, black leggings and black combat boots. she had raven hair, shin length and some earrings "maybe we should give this show a try, who knows, it might show us a thing or two about humiliation and we could find a newfound love for all things canuck"
"yeah, we coo'ld use a noo' 'ccent to foo'l the police, eh!" she said with sarcasm "see you tomorrow, Lane" she said as she mock saluted.
"Yeah, see ya around, Morgendorffer". She gave her a peace sign and closed the door lightly and went up to her room, some amplifier feedback and a distorted guitar can be heard in the first floor as she opened the door of her bedroom. It can be called a organized mess, a bit of clothes threw in the floor to give it flavor and a whole group of paints and statues made of everyday products put in a deconstructed way decorated the room Maybe it would be a good idea to see this show… Total Drama Island 2 , if the name lives to the expectations, it will be a nice train wreck to watch she thought as she took her paint brushes and some acrylic paints and began attacking the blank canvas before her.
Camp Wawanakwa, formerly an amazing summer camp that should bring fond good memories to generations past, now, an almost collapsing joint that should be declared no man's land. This was now one of North America's most recognizable places because of three simple words: Total Drama Island, the reality show that was a sensation overnight, showing that sometimes misguided youth can be interesting to watch. Last summer, 22 teenagers were selected to partake in what most of the critics thought that "could be one of the season's not to watch show" but they were dead wrong, the show had ratings that most of the executives dream and wish they shows have, a big part of the equation was that these girls and guys left all dignity at the entrance of the set and went into 8 weeks of weird contests, bad food and inadequate social contact that took the word reality to a new realm, the audience loved every second of it; they adored how love tried to conquer all, they loathed when one of their favorite campers got to walk the dock of shame and never to return, and enjoyed all the awkward situation all along. And behind this phenomenon was a person that can be labeled as a mad scientist or savior of the Canadian TV, Chris Mclean, host and executive producer of said show. He was the swanky host and a provider of tortures, "contest" he calls them, which took them and the viewers to watch in awe a jump from 1000 ft. to eating something that most scientists tried to call food, they passed from all the spectrum of tests that a human mind can pull out. And it seems that the audience at home will be able to witness all over again, because TDI got a second season, and no one is more exited that the host that is in the set.
"Hello and welcome to the first episode of Total Drama Island mark 2". Chris said to the camera that was positioned in a boat nearby, he was wearing his usual grey shirt, sneakers and khaki pants. "Since we ended the first season, the show has spread like the plague". he said as he gave the second camera that stood in front of him one of his trademark "whiter than white" smiles "from one side of the hemisphere to the south of the world and all around, almost 80 countries have seen how the Screaming Gophers and the Killer Bass, those 22 teens, had 2 months of love, hate, friendship and all the fun and healthy activities that we could provide them" he added as he started to walk out of the dock into the camp itself, where a director's chair waited for him "and the tons of mail and millions of emails that our network received in the course of few months make them take the right choice… they gave us a second season!" he cheered as he seated on said chair " and we got also a bigger budget to spend in this season, so that mean that you'll see more and improved tests that will blow your mind or blow our campers out, whichever comes first" Chris added as he looked happily to the cam, his hair looking perfect as usual and his sly grin at full mode "and thanks to the contracts that we prepared at the beginning of this show, we managed to bring back the original campers, the 22 of them, and they have arrived earlier in the day to our beloved Camp Wawanakwa, so what do you say if we peek at what are they doing right now?" he said as he took a bag of potato chips and proceeded to munch them with delight.
"Remind me to seek and haunt the lawyer that wrote those damned contracts" Gwen, the goth girl said as she rose from her bunk bed and stretched out "another season of torture, and we weren't able to do nothing to stop it" she hissed as she leaned her body to the bedpost right next to her.
"Relax, girl" LeShawna, one of her fellow camper and friend said as she patted her shoulder "if you can't fight them, at least enjoy it" she declared as she ordered her belongings "and at least we will be able to catch up, did ya forget how to text?" she added with a smile
"Sorry about that, LeShawna" Gwen stated "you know that it hasn't been easy for me after the season ended" she shuddered at the thought of the aftermath of the original TDI, hundreds and hundreds of girls and boys commenced to dress up and act like her, soon it started to became a fad. And for Gwen, that means one thing: isolation "now I know how Robert Smith should feel about makeup and eyeliner" he said with the faint of a smile
"Well, you can always remember good times" LeShawna said as she sat on Gwen's bed "like the one where Heather got her hair shaved, you can't look me in the eyes and tell me that you enjoyed that" she added as she remembered and a small laugh escaped from her lips.
"Yeah, those were the times" Gwen said as she sat down next to LeShawna "and I still use that picture to bring a smile" she added while she crosses her legs.
The merry mood that was installed in the cabin soon took an abrupt end when a staccato sound filled the ambient. "Hmmm… if my ears don't fail on me, I presume that you know who is about to make her entrance" LeShawna said as she frowned.
And as LeShawna predicted, there she was. Heather, one of the main reasons to see the first season, she had the whole package. A pretty face and a quick, yet deviated mind. How she managed to stay in the show and not be eliminated after all the schemes that she created can be labeled as machiavellism at small scale. She was what the TV critics called "most hated contestant under the age of 21 ever, but that quality makes us wonder why we can't stop watching how she acts, a real social experiment being made in front of us, taken out of the high school hallways to our screens". "Well… look at this, weird goth girl and sassy ghetto girl reunited" Heather said as she let her suitcases in the floor and looked around, her raven hair now shoulder length "and I thought that the competition would become more difficult" she added as she glared at both girls.
Gwen just stepped up. "Funny that you think that, because if I were you, I would be worried sick to not be eliminated at the first chance" she said as she stood up in front of the queen bee. "And without allies or some other nasty tactics, you'll become the first one to be sacked".
"Besides" LeShawna added as she situated beside Gwen "all of us know how you roll, and if you think that you can fool anyone again, you're dead wrong".
Heather just looked at them "that was some sort of threat or warning? Because it doesn't work, just empty words and lots of attitude" she said as she slyly smirked, trying to prove her point "I will win this season, and mark my words both of you… no one will be capable of stopping me"
"Don't tempt me" LeShawna hissed "try something wicked and I'll make you regret that…" She stopped her threat as she felt a hand in her shoulder.
"Don't waste air on her, LeShawna, she's not worth the bad mood" Gwen calmly said to her friend as both of them leave the cabin "and who knows, if karma works ok, she will have a really bad stay… or getting mauled by a bear" she added with a smile.
"See? That's why I missed talking with you, white girl" LeShawna declared to her friend "no matter how screwed we can be, you manage to pull a smile on anyone's face… and talking about smiles, where's that street singer of yours" she asked as she looked to the rest of campers that were talking in smalls groups.
"That's a good question, I have seen him a lot lately, but now I can't see where he is right now" Gwen answered. Maybe he's talking with Geoff and DJ, or somewhere else she thought as she looked to the 19 other teenagers that will live with her, LeShawna and Heather in that dreaded camp. Her train of thought went to a halt while she heard someone else's voice in the background, Cody's to be more precise.
"Gwen, how have you been!!" the Tech-geek smiled and waved to her while she looked at him with a bit of annoyance. "It's been a while, Cody" Gwen stated as she tried to smile to him.
"Yeah! I mean, almost 7 months to be almost accurate" he said "and I haven't heard anything of you, which is bad, because I tried to reach you a few times…" Cody said as Gwen looked around for something or someone in the camp. Not that I can't stand him, but he's like the little brother that I have right now, but with a infatuation on me… she was abruptly taken away from her thoughts as she felt a hand taking hers and leading the way out of Cody's rambling.
"It seems that you need to get out of there quickly, even if the Codester is not a bad guy, he helped us to get together" Trent said as he caressed her hand "missed you, Gwen" he declared as she looked away.
"Yeah… yet past season he tried to get into my skirt or freaking me out, without avail" she said halfhearted "you jerk, you left me stranded in this island with Heather, of all people!" she said in faux damsel in distress mode as she hugged Trent "missed you too, Trent" and proceeded to kiss him.
"Wow, Linds, it seems that love is in the air" Beth, now without braces, said as she looked dreamily at the state of things at the camp. All the couples that survived the show and now are blossoming again, Bridgette and Geoff are making out like their lives were on the line. LeShawna and Harold are holding hands and talking with other campers, those being DJ and Cody, who entered to the conversation after being left talking alone. Noah was reading a massive tome while Ezekiel was trying to avoid Eva.
"Yeah, I mean… look at the camp" Lindsay respond as Tyler hold her hands and gave her a little peck on the cheek "everyone looks so happy and ready to participate, even Edward and Evelyn" she said as she pointed to the direction where Eva was chasing Ezekiel. "Get back here, you sexist twerp!" Eva screamed as she was running faster trying to ram the prairie boy. "No way, Eva" Ezekiel said trying to hold his breath and keep running "'nd I don't knoo' what did I tol'd or did to you to startle you that much, eh!" he added as he looked around for some place to hide.
"You violated my personal space, you sexist pig" she shrieked with disgust "You tried to touch me!"
"I did not!" Ezekiel said looking back "you pushed me by mistake 'nd after that yoo' went berserk on my neck".
"Now you're calling me a liar! One more nail to your coffin" Eva said as she pounced him… and missed to catch him by an inch. Phew… who knew that being chased by a wild boar cool'd be helpful in this moment, mental note, not bring that up in any conversation…it could get me mauled worst than Cody, eh! Ezekiel thought as he tried to get some shelter.
"Yeah… I can see that" Beth said "even if Zeke said sorry to all of us when he got the chance, and most of us forgave him" she added while her eyes followed the trail that the home schooled boy made 'till sanctuary. "But as all people say old habits die hard …"
"Yup Yup" Lindsay squealed with delight as Tyler hugged her in a lovingly manner "Tailor, that hug was so cool, like, yeah..." Tyler chuckled at her girlfriend miscalling him, but he didn't care, that little trait made the relationship more fun. "But I have one question that has been bugging my mind for a while" the striving jock asked as he hold her girlfriend's hand "not that I'm a masochist, but why none of us looks at least anxious about this season, I mean… we did things that were insane, and now Chris and Chef have more budget" Tyler said with a hint of worry on his voice.
"He could create a vortex and send us into an alternate dimension where the humans are controlled by an all seeing eye who has them by the throat and obligated to do all of its commands… wait… we're in that place" Noah said with sarcasm as he joined the group "believe me when I say that the tour de force at hell that we took last summer will look like a picnic in the park compared with I think that he has in store for us" Noah let those words hang on his tongue, making his point clear. Tyler, Lindsay and Beth looked to each other in sudden realization and alarm. "Why are so sure about that?" Beth squeaked while she waited for the answer.
"That's simple, Beth, the lousy excuse for a host that we know got more budget, as our resident jock stated earlier. Ergo, the more money he has to waste, the more ideas that he can rip off of the Spanish inquisition archives" Noah addressed to them without looking "and that brings the ratings and more money from sadistic corporations and sponsors to waste and so on".
"So that means that we're officially screwed" Lindsay uttered in despair while she hardened the grip on Tyler's hand, making him starting to lose sense of his fingertips. "I would use those words, but this is more of a Damocles' sword kind of situation, so yes, we're beyond being screwed".
"Well, that explains the strange letter configuration at our contracts" Justin said as he joined the now growing group. "My modeling agency lawyer noticed it, if you look at the first letters of every paragraph in the contract it spells "abandon all hope after signing this"" he said as he showed them his contract with the letters highlighted in neon yellow, sporting a frown.
"Wow Katie, that's evil" Sadie said as she hugged her BFFL tightly. "I know, Sadie, this is worse than that time at the beach that those really cute guys and we forgot to bring an extra matching outfit" Katie said as she made the hug more tight, as if the world were about to implode and that hug was the key to stop it.
"Impressive" Noah stated with a smile "and I'm not referring to Katie & Sadie's beach predicament. I can't recall hearing you talk more than a few sentences, anti-me" he finished the sentence maintaining the same sardonic smile of him.
"Yeah, glad to be a box of surprises, but I'm still worried about the whole new season" Justin said as he went to a nearby tree and leaned his body on it "and I guess that most of you must be" not even his manly features hid the fact that this could be a whole new way to define torture, and this made the two BFFL to clung to each other more tightly.
A few meters away, other group of campers was having a similar conversation. "Any ideas on how not get killed in this season" Duncan asked as he was close to Courtney "because I'm not planning to end up in the sickbay". "Dunno, maybe duck and cover" a now looking for air Geoff answered as he and Bridgette joined their fellow campers.
"With Mclean and Hatchet? Those chances are slim to none" Gwen simply stated as she sat on a rock "now my only concern is to kick certain harpy out of this island before it's too late" she said as she looked at Heather's direction and shoot arrows and other imaginary airborne instruments with her eyes.
"Don't worry, Gwen" Bridgette tried to calm the tempers "all of us here have survived the challenges that Chris has thrown at us" she said as she looked to the people gathered with her, those being Gwen, Trent, Duncan and Courtney, LeShawna (who has let Harold go free for a while), Ezekiel (who had joined them while the coast was Eva free) and Cody (who just dropped in the group by inertia) "and about Heather, just wait for karma, you know that it works well and in time" she said with a reassuring smile to her friend.
"But after we end up our contractual duties" Courtney said "we seriously need to get a decent lawyer, especially you, ogre" She said while she elbowed Duncan in the ribs. "Wow princess, I didn't know that you cared that much about me" He retorted while he recovered the breath.
"No, but you need to have a clean slate if you'll be associated in any form with me" she hissed as she scowled and crossed her arms.
"Yeah… keep denying it" Duncan said with a sly smile which disappeared with another elbow directed at his side, courtesy of Courtney "ok… ok… I got it" Duncan muttered as he rubbed his sore ribs
"Guys, besides being sulking here, we should be happy that we got another chance to be together" Cody stated as he tried to cheer the other campers. "Yeah! That's the spirit, Codester!" Geoff jumped throwing a fist in the air "we didn't come here to whine and moan, we came here to have fun and PAR-TAYY!!" he said exited.
"Then we're in the same page, party boy" LeShawna said as she high fived Geoff "we don't have to be scared of anything that Chris could throw at us" she added as she lift Ezekiel up "you too, home school, past is in the past now".
"That's right Zeke" Bridgette added as she walked right beside him "you let that clear in that reunion party" she said as she giggled and said toque wearing boy went crimson as he tried to cover his eyes with his hat.
"Come on, Bridgette, you'll keep taking that oo't, I said I was sorry and all, eh" Zeke stammered as the others laughed remembering said party. "We know, home school, but it's so fun to tease you off" Gwen said with a sincere smile. "Besides, I have never seen someone doing karaoke in eight different languages, and you know that there's footage of it" Trent declared as he patted Ezekiel in the shoulders. "Thanks to Geoff's latest gig" Bridgette giggled as she remembered the latest spring break and the good idea that a music network took a small group of ex-campers and put them in Cabo Loco and other famous destinations for a week, all for good ratings and even better television moments. All of them shared a good laugh while they keep talking about all things non TDI.
Meanwhile, not so far away, the last group of campers also was deep in discussion. "Look at them" Heather said, looking at Gwen's group "so happy that it hurts seeing them" she added as she stuck her nose in the air in a snobbish manner. "dunno, Heather" Owen spoke "I mean, after all, all of us are friends or acquaintances".
"Speak for yourself, tubby" Eva stated coldly "the only thing that I have in common with miss congeniality here" she pointed Heather with her index finger "is that I came here to win".
"Guys, girls" DJ said as he stood up "I guess that we should try to get along, as Owen said, we all know each other and we should try to have a good time". Right behind him a green and red blur appeared and stopped in Owen's shoulder "Yeah! We need some serious fun, like that time that the RCMP chased me and I had to stay incognito in the States. In Princeton, New Jersey to be more precise" Izzy said with one of her wicked grins.
"Great, the hose beast returns" Heather fumed as she crossed her arms in a defensive manner. "and the return of the unbelievable stories of hers…" she was stopped by the sound of Izzy's voice "… and there I met this great doctor, even if he looked like he were ready to shovel a thermometer up someone's neither regions, but he has a great heart, I helped to solve a medical mystery, it was an spleen infection, and that provoke severe kidney failure to the patient, you should have seen the way that he found the solution and found that I was pretending to be a nurse" she added as she went down of Owen shoulders and started to mimic said doctor mannerisms "you're too smart and too young to be one of the staff nurses, 'sides, I presume that you'll leave in the same way that you entered this Hospital, cackling like a mad girl and running" her voice was raspy and caustic "if you need help, I'll give you recommendations, or even better, you could pay a visit to the Dean of the Hospital… down the clinic corridor to the left" she ended while she pretended to walk with a bum leg and a cane.
Everyone went silent for a few seconds, looking at each other in astonishment after Izzy's tale. "WOW!!! Izzy is amazing!" Owen screamed while he gave her one of his bear hugs. "Gosh, you should teach me how to sneak into restricted places, which would be a great addition to my list of mad skillz" Harold said as he high five her.
"Teehee guys, you flatter and flat me at the same time" She cackled with delight "I must be the luckiest girl in Canada" Izzy said as she let herself enjoy Owen's hug.
"God… I'm surrounded by morons and nut jobs" Heather said as she slaps her forehead in disgust, but before someone could say any other word the old and rusty PA system made that screeching sound of it and certain voice with a gnarly accent spoke.
"Weeeeelcome back to camp Wawanakwa, campers!" 22 groans were exhaled at the same time from different locations "we have lots of good old fashioned activities, but now I need all of you in our lovely amphitheatre, so move your butts pronto or I'll send security to sic you, hehehe" The handsome host added as he watches how the campers goes to their destination via TV screens on the production trailer.
"Ok, he said that we should be here in a hurry, yet our daring host is not in sight" Gwen muttered while all of the other campers sat down on the bleachers, which looked the same as they saw them last season; filled with mold and splinters and ready to collapse at any minute. A ragged piece of cloth serves as a curtain which covers the whole stage.
"Maybe he had one of his hair problems or something like that" Beth said from a nearby bench "I know that I would hate to appear in TV with a bad hair, even if he has a black hole instead of a heart" she added as she relocated her lenses.
"Wonder how you manage to get out of your farm everyday" Heather mocked the farm girl, and said response went quickly, in the form of a wet piece of paper at terminal velocity, with crash course at the queen bee's head. "Quiet, you harpy" Gwen said as she glared Heather, and vice versa.
"Gwen, that was amazing" Trent muttered with amazement. "Where did you learn to shoot that way?" he asked with a mix of curiosity and apprehension. "You should know, young grasshopper that I have a little brother and that's a part of having one, to learn the preteen guerrilla code… "Wet paper, noogies and Wedgies""she said with a smile.
"Hmm, that explains a lot" Trent holds her hand in a reassuring way "the more I learn of you, the more that I fall for you" his eyes sparkle with joy, her eyes meets his… and a cough ruins the moment. "That's so cute… yet it drops the ratings, who knows" Chris Mclean states as he makes his entrance in front of the makeshift curtain. "Sorry about the delay, my victi… I mean my campers, but we had a small technical problem which our crew fixed right away"
"Don't tell me" Noah didn't even bothered to look away from his massive tome "you had problems with those hair products… or something even worse, did your face fell out of your head, o cruel Chris?" He declared with a crooked eyebrow appearing from the book.
"Har har har" Chris laughed as he checks his face with a handy mirror "Moving on" he pronounces as he throws the mirror off stage. "Before I was rudely interrupted, I was about to talk about the new season, and the new competition" Chris said as he take position in a podium made of plastic and other everyday using products. "You know the basics, 8 weeks of competition that will lead to the grand prize". His smile was almost Cheshire like "and because in this season we aren't doing things in small scale, we also put steroids in the prize check" right from down the podium, Chris takes out a big symbolic prize check "1 million for the winner". Everyone gasped in awe at the sudden realization that the Host has made "I repeat, 1 million, US dollars. That's a lot of money to spend in whichever your hedonistic desires lead you on; from spending it in endless parties to renew your wardrobe or being just plain boring and save it for college and such" Chris said as he makes the check disappear "and as we love to do, to put such great responsibilities in teens, the competition will be hard and cruel, like Granny Mclean taught me how". His sly grin made its appearance and most of the campers felt how the hair on the back of their necks rose up and the butterflies on their stomachs were doing a mosh pit "and to take you away from those complicated thoughts, I'll show you one of the new things that our bigger budget permitted us to buy". With a snap of his fingers, the drapery fell to the ground of the stage and a state of the art 40 ft. screen dominated the scene. "This is the latest in stage technology; it's touch sensitive, it can browse the web, permit illegal downloads (which our legal team says that is bad and no one should attempt, because you don't want the federals chasing you, but if you like the cheap thrills, that's up to you), also it's HD, and we got it at US$ 250,000" He says as the screen starts to show live images of the camp and it's surroundings "pretty awesome, don't cha think? That news channel thought that they have the coolest gadgets? TDI proves them wrong!". Gwen rose her hand "yes Gwen, it seems that you have a question" Chris calmed down and let the goth girl talk.
"In fact, yes. I do have a question" She stood up and walked towards the stage "You waste a quarter million dollars in a damned HD screen, and you haven't fixed any of the hundred of problems that this hell hole has?" Gwen was fuming, her fists clenched tight "the water pipes works whenever they feel like it, the cabins still look like if they survived a nuclear holocaust, and I guess that you haven't made a damn thing about the food that Chef tried to cook and miserably failed". "for once, I have to agree with weird goth girl" Heather spoke from the benches "at least you could do something and put a hot tub, decent bathrooms or such" she said while she painted her nails.
"Teenagers, there's nothing I can do to flinch a smile" Chris laughed a bit "when we were in preproduction, there were some talking about the way that you'll live here, but since no one complained, we let them the same way that all of you remember it" he crossed his arms and smiled.
"But Chris" Cody said "all of us complained, remember all the footage that you have, where we only complain about the cabins, the communal bathrooms and the food?" he stated.
"Yeah, in fact, those rants are now on the DVD, as extra features" he said as, if magically, a box set containing all past season (unrated and uncensored) and other cool extras appeared in his hands "but those aren't valid as legal complains, so, suck it up boys and girls, you have 1 million at the end of the road".
"I have another question" Harold raised his hand school like "does the screen comes with the integrated espresso machine that was the talk of the town at the computer and electronic convention?" he asked naturally while Chris looked surprised. "Does it have an espresso machine, inside the screen?" Chris went backstage and came with a gargantuan size user manual "hmmm… Spanish, Esperanto, Finnish… here it is, English…" he said as he pointed certain page in the manual "and it's like if I'm reading Chinese… erhmm, ok, Harold, if you can make it work, you'll have free coffee, what you think?". Chris felt how someone took the manual from his hands "you got a deal" Harold said with delight "gosh! It is a fine piece of technology" he smiled as he read the manual. "Let me see!" Cody said as he ran to the stage to contemplate the sleek black design of the screen "it has everything you need to host a LAN party, including ambient lights and sound".
Chris drummed his fingers on the surface of the podium, as he waited to the solution of the caffeine trouble "well, I guess that I'll have to fill this time with some chit chat" he looked around and pose his eyes on certain camper. "So tell me, Zeke" Chris declared while he let his arms rest on the podium "how has life treated you? I heard that you got a scholarship to a great school, care to tell the audience that story?" his face was a mask of boredom.
"Yes, I'm attending a catholic school, eh!" Ezekiel said as he raised his toque a bit to let the vision range grow "believe me, it has bi'n a 180º turn in all life's aspects; from bin'g home schooled to be in a co-ed school with dorms and everything."
"And let me guess... still being hackled about those comments that you made at the first competition" Chris and his cynical smile retorted.
"Well… just a little, by some girls that seems to share Eva's way of retribution" Ezekiel shuddered at the memories of those times. "But most of the people forgave me after I explained myself" he smiled as he looked to certain athletic camper, who gave him a menacing look and some gestures that could not be broadcasted. This erased the prairie boy smile and color of his face. "Hmmm… let me see" Chris said as he tapped his chin with his index finger "Geoff, my party boy, you had one of the greatest works that any person under 21 years old could dream of: being the host of a series of specials about spring break, and not only that, you managed to take some of the campers and let them join the party" he said as he gave Geoff two thumbs up "want to share the experience with those that didn't saw that?".
"'cha, bro" Geoff said as he jumped and stood on the bench "that would be a great pleasure for me. You know that all of us became famous after TDI" he said as he sat down again next to Bridgette. "well, this music network offered me to host some shows and I had to accept it, I mean, it's what I do best, and I got to be with my girl and some of my friends, what else can a dude ask for?" Geoff holds his girlfriend close and remembered the times at the vacation centers. "And what else can a executive producer ask for? Being paid by that network just by your contracts, via royalties, boys and girls!"Chris said as he looked to the nearest camera, smiled and gave two thumbs up. "seriously, you should read the fine and finest print, that would solve so much problems" he said as he looked back to the screen and the campers trying to solve the caffeine predicament.
"So, besides the big check and the lack of common sense at fixing things here" Beth said raising her hand "what other surprises do you have in store for us?" she placed her hands in her thighs waiting for an answer
"well… for starters, we have more cams" as he finished his sentence, the screen divided in 16 small screens and broadcasted live images from the camp, rotating from the dock, passing by the cabins and communal restrooms, and various shots of the forest and its wild life "also, the production trailer is bigger, and our show it's in primetime, so I can charge more for advertisement time" he said as he takes a cardboard with a number and e-mail with the title "ad space for rent, call Chris Mclean, ask for discounts" looking with his trademark "you-will-do-as-I-wish" smile and wiggling his eyebrows for the camera.
"And that doesn't answer anything" Heather said as she starts to fix her nails "you just talk about how you waste money in petty things, what about the challenges?" she finished filing her nails and looked to the stand with her nose up to the sky. "Kids these days, all thrills, no fun… well, about those challenges; they are tougher than last season". Chris rested his left arm on the stand and his right hand playing with his moist hair. "We have few survivors… I mean interns that tested this season's stages. And the others are in the hospital with some broken bones or nasty third degree burns". All of the campers looked terrified at the fate of the interns and their fates in the future weeks, but the scent of coffee brewing in the air soothed the spirits. "It took us a bit to configure the espresso machine, because we were busy reconfiguring the operative system" Cody said while he and Harold, with trays of coffee cups in their unsteady hands. "Gosh, five hundred bookmarked pages, and all about Chris… talking about egotistical show hosts" Harold stated as he give each camper a coffee mug.
"ok, now that our resident geeks have solved the problem so diligently" Chris said as he sipped his cup of coffee and looked around "we have one of the surprises to be revealed right now" with a few clicks on a remote control, the screen showed the faces of all campers in a game show fashion "in a random fashion, we will pick eleven of you" the campers looked stunned at the sudden news and what kind of bad omen that could bring "why for? That's not for you to know… yet" he declared as he moved towards the screen and touched it.
"the first one to be picked is…" the faces lit up in a wild fashion, and in a relative fast pace stop in certain face "… Noah!" the Egghead rose and looked at the host. "So, that means that I'm closer to the shooting range?" he said coldly.
"Nope, but we could use that idea for future seasons" the host said with a smile and touched the screen again "now the rest of you will be picked quickly because we're losing a bit of ratings, kids, you could tell better stories" he touched the screen again and one by one the faces were lit in frenzy fashion, letting just 10 faces on the spotlight. "Gwen, Izzy, Lindsay, Trent, Bridgette, DJ, Cody, Ezekiel, Duncan and…" Chris let the moment sink for a while, while the campers were waiting for the last one to be lit… and it went like that for a minute and a half, some were biting their nails, others were hanging to their friends for dear life and most of them were just waiting for this torture to end "the last one to be picked is… Heather. That's is, all the campers that weren't picked can stay for a while".
"Chris, can I ask a question" Ezekiel stood up on his bench, while the host looked at him with inquiring eyes. "sure, go ahead, Zeke" Chris made a gesture with his hand, which told him to speak.
"Don't tell me that this is your way to pick teams this season, because it is almost unmoral for some of the campers" he pointed to Gwen and Heather, who were ready to go at each others necks, while Trent tried to stop them. "Nope, it was made randomly by our computer, which it's not biased in any way" he said while he walked to the center of the stage "but I guess that it worked better this way, where you see sorrow and drama, I see the opportunity to make good ratings and drama" his face was shining with joy, which was created by the sour mood of the campers. "Now, before someone else makes the obvious questions, we have a little surprise for the chosen campers".
"That surprise being?" Beth said as she sipped her mug of coffee "you know, this coffee is really goof" she smiled while some campers agreed with her. "well, I hate to spoil good surprises, but this one is impressive" Chris touched some buttons of his remote control and this made the screen show a group of words that made the campers who were chosen for whatever task he thought of, to wait for the worse. "Yes, you read it well, 3 more weeks here at Camp Wawanakwa! Brought to you by our legal team there in Toronto"
"Damn, this host is worst than Dr. Mephisto and his army of mutated screeching baboons, which I had to fight few months ago" Izzy sulked while she leaned on Ezekiel. "How none of us read the fine print, probably he will make us fix the camp for free or something worse" Gwen rested her head on her legs, waiting for the inevitable. "Don't be so down, my children of the reality TV, this will be good for you: the ones that didn't make it will take a nice 3 week vacation at our swanky new Playa de Losers, some part of our budget went to put more fun and more food at your disposition, and you'll be fresh to compete for one million bucks". This made all the "loser" campers happier than a politician at payday, especially Owen, whose eyes were gleaming with joy and the desire for all the good food that could be provided at any time of the day. "THANK YOU CHRIS, YOU'RE THE GREATEST HOST EVER" He said as he gave Chris a bear hug which took all the air of his lungs. "Ok, ok… don't kill me, Owen!" the handsome host recovered his breath and checked his hair. "And for the chosen ones, you'll have a pre season competition, which will give all of you a taste of how things will work here this time around".
"And how this pre season will help us for the real competition?" Bridgette asked, her hands on her jacket pockets. "I mean, we will have a handicap of 3 weeks of workout against the other group".
The Swanky host looked at the surfer girl with his sly smile, as if he was hiding something, and he wasn't telling it right now, just for messing with the kids minds. "Yes, but when you'll be at the competition, you will see that wining will have some other good rewards. But enough talk, I have to show you something that will explain why are we making this season longer" Chris motioned to the campers to sit down and look at the screen, which started to show a special video.
The sight was a normal town from the east coast of the U.S. "Welcome to Lawndale, Connecticut". Said Chris's voice narrating the video "this lovely American town it's almost a representation of all things American, with their beautiful sights, well mannered people and its youth" the scene changes to the entrance of Lawndale High School, a normal High School and it's normal students "we chose this place among a whole lot of other cities, from Canada and the States, because it was so normal, yet so appealing." The scene changes to a Asian woman in her 40's, dressed in a business suit "this is Angela Lee, the Principal of Lawndale High, and the main reason that we laid eyes on this town, because of the letter and tapes that she send to our headquarters". We can see the normal flow of a class day at Lawndale High "here at Llawndale High, we have the greatest regard for our students, they are among the best that our educational system can give, and our teacher staff has prepared them to achieve great heights" Ms. Lee stated off screen
We can see a teacher, with brown hair, peach colored shirt and grey pants, near his forties. "This is one of those teachers, Mr. Timothy O'Neil, English teacher and counselor here at Lawndale High" Chris declared off screen. "our students are like a small representation of humankind, we have the intelligent ones who can aspire to greatness" Mr. O'Neil stated to the camera, while he seated on his desk "also we have our handicapped students, that have to make a little bit of effort to be good, but I know that with our guidance they will be prepared to become good citizens". Another teacher appears, he has some grey hair, a white shirt with a black tie and black pants. "Another prominent teacher here is Mr. Anthony DiMartino, History teacher and person in charge of the nature club" Chris continued his narration. "Our students… how can I TALK about those punks that sit here at my ROOM with their dull eyes and BRAINS" Mr. DiMartino rises his voice in certain words to state his point "well, some of they have a FUTURE, and a real desire to have KNOWLEDGE, but all the others are just a waste of CHEMICALS and TIME".
The camera roams around the halls of Lawndale High, not focusing on any face "besides the fact that we found this place so amusing, is that, after having some conversations with the principal, and some monetary aid, we were allowed to take some of the senior class of Lawndale High to Canada, especially to Camp Wawanakwa, on a trip that will change their lives upside down forever, because they will have the chance to be famous, just like you, boys and girls at Wawanakwa. You'll have to compete against people that you don't know, and this time is not for the money… yet, but for the honor of our show, so I hope that you will defend it well and don't let you, your partners and Canada down. All of them are counting on you" the scene changes to the Canadian flag flaming with the TDI logo stamped on it and the last chords of the national anthem resonating while the screen goes to black.
"well, that's the explanation of why we added 3 more weeks to our show" Chris said as he took possession of the stand "we bribe their principal and picked some of their senior class to come to Canada and compete against you, pretty awesome, don't you think, boys and girls?". 22 faces were looking at him with unreadable eyes. "So, you bribed some American teenagers to come to this place" Gwen declared. "'nd they accepted withoo't hesitation or remorse?" Ezekiel stated.
"Hell Yes!" Chris said exited "at first, we thought of doing a reality show in joint production with MTV, but they said no and I said "well, we have the camp, we can make some of them compete against our kids and see what happens" and that's why we're here" he said as he leaves the stage and went to the benches
"This is way too weird" Bridgette said with a look of concern. "How did they accept to be here? If I had the chance to be here, I would run like hell". "We thought of that, so we talked to the parents or legal representatives of the students and I sweet talked them into signing the contracts, I had a problem with one of the parents and the contract, but she accepted after convincing her daughter." His smile was wicked in every meaning of the word.
"Dude, you're more bad than the black plague and Torquemada mixed" DJ was fuming mad. Chris's smile grew wider "gee, thanks, DJ, you will make me blush". Gwen stood up and started to leave "well, if there's any consolation at this, you will die alone and bald" she said as she went to her cabin, while all the campers looked at her and then to the host. "So, we will have to wait here or go to the dock and wait for Chef Hatchet… and where is he?" LeShawna raised an eyebrow.
"He's at this moment, at the boat of losers taking the other campers luggage to Playa de Losers and then he will take you all to the resort" He said as he touched a button of his control remote and show them what the resident chef and drill sergeant was doing at the moment. "Well, we can stay here talking about petty things or we can go to the dock of shame to meet your new competition" he said as he gestured them to go to the dock. "Why do I have the feeling that this will be strange in so many ways?" Trent said.
"What makes you think that?" Noah asked without looking him, just his book "we're dandy; we're forced to compete with people that we don't know, besides being just able to stand the sight of some campers?"
"Besides that?" Trent answered "is the fact that what will happen to us if we lose? Chris has a devious mind and that is what scares me". Lindsay appeared right next to Trent "Yeah, and with 3 more weeks here, my hair will frizz like if there's no tomorrow". The Egghead sighed and keeps marching to the dock "This will be something to remember, mostly on my nightmares".
(Confession cam – The return of the Confusion)
Gwen: She's looking at the camera, her legs crossed "well, what's to think about this season, besides being trapped with some of my friends and boyfriend in a hostile environment, being stuck with a real life harpy that made my life miserable in so many ways and with a demon of a host that feeds of people's sadness?" she crosses her arms and leans back on the seat "that after all of this ends, I will never ever read so lightly a contract, I'll befriend a lawyer, ironic at it sounds".
Noah: He's reading his book, not looking at the camera "another season, another month where I have to be around weird people that can't recognize anything good, at least I have the small hope that the new contestants will be able to bring some fresh air to this hell hole, either that or I'll having a nice relaxing reading vacation".
Ezekiel: He looks at the camera and twiddles his fingers nervously "I really hope that I'll not doo' anything that makes people tries to maim me, because my stay at the first season wasn't fine and dandy" he rests his hands on his legs "I am woo'ndering, why Eva still hates me? I tried to apologe'ze and she reacted like a berserker, as Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want" true words, I must add, eh".
The dock of shame looked calm at the afternoon, the seagull that lives with the plastic ring on its neck floats around the nearby sea, the piranhas swam in formation looking for a newfound victim and the campers are standing on said dock waiting for the next contestants that should be arriving at any minute now. "Well, they should be here in any minute, please tell me if you see the same yacht that you arrived here, I have some arrangements to do" Chris said as he went to the production trailers. "Probably he went to comb his hair and such things" Geoff said while he tried to spend the last minutes with his girlfriend "I'll miss you loads, Bridge".
"Me too, Geoff" Bridgette hugged him closer to her and give him a long, passionate kiss which started to become a make out session.
"Whatever, the only thing that we have to be focused on is that we must win the competitions, I refuse to lose again". Heather said as she tapped her foot in the planks waiting "but at least I'll be able to prove that I'm better than most of you here." Noah just looked at her and sighed "And tell me, Heather, what makes you think that you have the slightest chance to win something? As far as I remember, all your wins had some intervention or a strange confabulation". She just glared at him and uttered some profane words. "I'm not surprised at all, it's easier to off me than to retort in a normal fashion".
Izzy was waiting in anticipation while she was humming a strange song which appealed Ezekiel's ears "Tell me, Izzy, what are you singing?" he said as she tilted her head. "Zeke, that's a Finish waiting song that was made by wainamonnien the father of the land, I learned from a farmer on my countless trips around the world, even if I don't know what it says hehe!" She laughed and Ezekiel began to laugh with her until they saw a luxurious yacht approaching the dock. "Aha! There they are" Chris Mclean said as he stood at the end of the dock waiting for his newest victims "please, be polite, they have seen you in TV and I don't want them to be disappointed" he smiled while a wet paper ball hit him in his forehead.
"Good one, Gweenie" Trent whispered as he hold her hand tenderly.
"Thanks, sweetie, and please, don't call me that" She smiled and caressed his hand. "Ha-ha, teenagers, no wonder why that age is so weird" Chris stated as he looked at his cards. "all of them are inside of the Yacht. And we have a camera crew with them onboard" he said while the campers looked uninterested, the first of the newcomers started to walk down the aisle. "Campers, say hello to Michael Jordan Mackenzie" He is a 6ft. tall African American, his hair made in locks, he is dressed in a Black Loose Fitting t-shirt, green khakis and white sneakers. "Hello Michael, welcome to camp Wawanakwa" The Host greeted him. "Thanks Chris, I hope that we don't have any problems here at your show" Mack said as he high five the host. "See, campers? That's how you treat your host" He said with a smile to the camera while the campers greeted the newcomer.
"moving on" Chris said while he read another card "next one is a girl, let's greet Jodie Landon" The next newcomer went down the hallway, she is a 5ft. 5'' African American girl, her hair is made in cornbraids, she's dressed in a pink blouse, gray mini skirt and platform sandals "Hello, Jodie" Chris said while he offered his hand in salute "Welcome to camp Wawanakwa" He added. "Thanks, Mr. Mclean, in behalf of my co-students, we're grateful of this opportunity, and we're hoping to have a good time here with all of you" Jodie said politely and shook his hand.
"She reminds me of someone that I know" Cody said while he looked to the girl "yeah, it's like Courtney, but with feelings" He added with a smile, while Courtney fumed, stomped her foot on the planks and leave. Jodie joined the group where his boyfriend is starting to know his competition. "So, Mack, in what have we entered, thanks to our parents?" she asked while she hugged her boyfriend by the side and gave him a peck on the cheek. "That's a good question, Jodie, I've seen a bit of this show and now I'm talking with Gwen and Trent". Jodie greeted the couple and introduces herself.
"What we have now" Chris asked as he looked the cards "yes, we have another girl, Say hi to Brittany Taylor" From the yacht went down a 5' 6'' blond girl, her hair made with pigtails, she's wearing Lawndale High Cheer Squad uniform, a blue t-shirt, which revealed her large bosom and yellow skirt with blue sneakers. "YAY!! I'm on TDI, this is like the coolest moment ever!" the cheerleader squealed with joy "there is Chris Mclean, ohmigod! … but you look taller on TV" He said as she greeted the host. "hehe… great, we have another Lindsay on the camp" he smiled and waited to the cheerleader to join the campers "and she brought her boyfriend, say hello to Kevin Thomson". Right on cue, the Quarterback, 6' with black hair and wearing Lawndale High Football Uniform, Yellow jersey with shoulder pads and blue pants, and football shoes went down the yacht running and stops right next to his girlfriend "Yeah Baby! I'm the QB!" screams Kevin while he kisses Brittany and another make out session begins.
"Amazing, we have Americana at its best, the QB and the large racked cheerleader" Duncan said to Ezekiel, the prairie boy looked at the couple. "those are just like in the movies that I saw befur coming here". The punk laughed a bit and patted Ezekiel's shoulder "at least you can use kind of info, hehehe" he stopped laughing after Courtney slapped him on the back of his head. "Shut up you ogre!" Courtney screamed and stomped her way out of the dock again.
"Guys, you're making me look bad" Chris said, while Gwen screamed back "you can do that all by yourself, you jerk" which made all the campers and newcomers laugh. "ok… enough joy, we have a show to make" Chris changed his cards and checked them. "Say welcome to Charles Ruttheimer the third" from the luxury yacht went down a lanky 5'8'' guy, with red curly and short hair, freckles on his nose and wearing a short sleeved white shirt, brown pants and sneakers. "Hello ladies, Charles Ruttheimer the Third at your service" He said as he greeted the host and lay his eyes on Heather "hmm, Madame Heather, you're as beautiful as the angels" Charles said as he tried his best to hit on her. "Get lost, you creep!" Heather coldly said as she stormed out of the dock to the cabins "Grrr… Feisty" He said while Mack walked towards him "Upchuck, I would not recommend you to befriend her, the nicest thing that I have heard of her from the other campers is that she's a harpy" he said as he crossed his arms.
"even better, Mack, this will make the reward more delightful" he stated while he looked towards Heather direction.
"Now, give a warm Wawanakwa welcome to Tom Sloane" Chris said as a 6' guy with dark brown hair walked down the dock, he was wearing a black long sleeved t-shirt, brown baggy pants and skate shoes "wait a minute, I didn't see you at the high school when I was there" chris asked as he looked at the newcomer. "yes, that's because I'm not in the same school than them, I'm here thanks to some competitors" Tom said as he stood up next to Chris "by the way, nice gulag that you build here" he said as he walked towards the campers and waited for the last ones of his team.
"Har Har… these kids" Chris declared as he looked at the camera "we have 2 more competitors, say hello to Jane Lane, artiste extraordinaire". "wow, this place looks more miserable in the flesh than in the screen" said Jane, and she's wearing the same clothes that we saw her, sans the leggings "and who thought that little oh me would be here, with Jose de Torquemada" pointing to Chris. "Welcome Jane, how was the trip from the resort?" Chris asked politely. "Well, the resort was nice, but I need the inspiration for my art, and I thought "what the hell, if I want misery I have to wait a couple of days until we arrive to TDI" and here we are, Lawndale Represent!" She said in a Hip Hop manner while she took her luggage and went to her schoolmates "Jodie, Mack, Kev, Brit, Upchuck!... even Tom!" she said while she high-five everyone "now it's time to show them how we do things in the states!" Jane raised her fists.
Izzy looked to the scene with delight "I like her style" she said with a big grin.
"and last but not least" Chris said without looking his cards "Say hello to Daria Morgendorffer" He declared in a game show manner and waited for the girl to went down the yacht, and after five seconds, she went down, she's wearing the same clothes that we have seen her before. "Welcome to Camp Wawanakwa, Daria" he said stretching his hand, she just looked at him "Well, this could be worse" Daria said in a deadpan tone "I could be in a reality show in another country, against my will and with a has-been for a host" she simply added and walked away toward her friend "Jane, in what kind of inner circle of hell are we stuck?" she said while one of her bags fell to the ground, she didn't noticed until certain street musician took it. "Hey, Daria… that's your name, right?" Trent said while he gave her her back pack "You drop it, by the way, I'm Trent… welcome to Wawanakwa" he said as he went back to his girlfriend.
"How cute" Jane said with a sly grin "how do you manage to have a Trent in each country, and he's a musician also… that's a coincidence". Daria tried to hide her blush and looked away. "Not a single word, Jane" she simply said and kept looking away.
"What's wrong with her?" Tom asked
"Don't worry, Tom" Jane said in full Yenta mode "just Daria and awkward social situations". "yeah, I know…" Tom answered "privileges of being her ex… and your ex too, I still found it amusing yet weird". Jane just laughed and hugged his friend/ex-boyfriend "that's what we aim for, the weirdness; now let's join the fray… Yo! Daria! Let's join the fun!" Jane said with a smile. "Lane, whatever happens" Daria was mere inches from Jane "you'll pay, but first I ask dibs on the top bunk" She gave her a Mona Lisa smile and walked with her friends to join the campers.
Chris Mclean looked the scene and gave a smile to the camera. "well, this was easy, we met all the new contestants, catch up on the campers that we love to watch and found out that we have more 3 weeks to have fun and drama, here on Total Drama Duels" he was waving his hand to the camera, while DJ, Duncan and Geoff sneaked right on Chris's back and throw him down the dock.
"Dudes! Not cool, my hair!" Chris said while all the campers, new and old shared the first of many laughs that they will have this season.
Well, this is the first chapter of Teenage Wasteland, I hope that you enjoyed it, because I really enjoyed writing it.
Suggestions, Reviews, Flaming Bricks and everything in between?... drop a line or two and i'll gladly answer it
Have Fun and Enjoy Yourselves