Disclaimer: No. Just no.
Date Fourteen: Kunimitsu
Jun positively beamed as she walked up to the microphone, as Kazuya and a much younger Heihachi walked on either side of her.
"Hello, and welcome to another episode of Date That Loser!" she announced, one hand forming a "peace" sign. The audience roared in applause.
"What's got her so happy?" Baek muttered to Lei. The super-cop shrugged.
"I heard the hosts all went to Hawaii for those four or so months that the show wasn't airing."
"They got a vacation and we didn't?" Baek asked indignantly. Hwoarang, who was seated on the other side of his instructor, shook his head.
"No, a bunch of us fighters decided we'd go to Hawaii to try to track down the producer and beat her until the show got cancelled." he replied. Baek looked at him in confusion.
"Then why are we still doing this stupid show?" he asked. Hwoarang shrugged, a roguish grin lighting his face.
"Some of us got distracted by the hula dancers…and the beaches…and the bikinis-"
"I get it." Baek said, rolling his eyes. Hwoarang let it go, knowing his poor master was just jealous.
"Hello, wonderful fans!" Jun greeted warmly. "A lot has happened while we were on vacation-"
"Idiot hunting," Kazuya amended under his breath.
"And I'd just like to take a moment to share more Tekken news that has occurred since then!" she chirped.
"She's only happy because it's about her." Heihachi grumbled. Without turning to look at him, Jun elbowed him in the stomach.
"Thanks to all of your loyal support and, of course, the wonderful director of Tekken, I'll be a playable character in Tekken Tag Two! Isn't that amazing news?" Jun smiled.
"We already knew that!" Lili cupped her hands over her mouth to shout from the bleachers.
"But not only that, footage has just been released of Tekken: Blood Vengeance, a movie that's not live-action and American and therefore shouldn't be horrible!" Jun continued.
"Isn't that just a teaser?" Bryan asked.
"What do you mean?" Asuka looked over at the cyborg.
"Game producers are assholes, they're not really making a movie. We would have heard more about it before now, if it was coming out this summer. It's like when Square Enix released that technical demo of Final Fantasy VIII for the PS2, or Final Fantasy VII for the PS3. They're not gonna do it." he grumped.
"He thought both of those were real," Lei stage-whispered, and everyone who heard him laughed, not stopping even after Bryan punched Lei off of the bleachers.
"And, even though this is hardly important compared to everything else that was just announced, there has been a supposed: New Character added to Tekken Tag Two by the name of Jaycee. Jay. Cee." Heihachi finished dryly, giving Julia a dirty look.
"What are you looking at me for?" she asked in supposed innocence. Anna snorted.
"Leo's gender is more mysterious than that alias." she answered, rolling her eyes.
"What? Are you implying that I'm Jaycee? Don't be ridiculous!" Julia argued.
"Oh yeah, then why isn't Jaycee here?" Xiaoyu asked.
"I'm sure if you gave her twenty minutes or so, she could get here!" Julia replied.
"Give it a rest, we all know you're Jaycee." Asuka said.
"I'm not Jaycee!"
"Yeah, just like Lee wasn't Violet." Nina drawled, filing her fingernails.
"Violet? Who is this Violet you speak of?" Lee asked, taking on the same innocent tone Julia had.
"Shut up, Lee." Paul said, and most of the fighters nodded in agreement.
"Who's Jaycee?" Michelle asked, genuinely curious.
"Also, I'm young now!" Heihachi grinned, pointing excitedly at his black hair. "Look at my bitchin' new body!"
"All right, enough!" Kazuya boomed. He was sick of Jun's overbearing good mood, the fighter Jaycee and of course, Lee and Heihachi. "On to business." he growled.
"Fine. Ruin the only good mood I've had in a year." Jun mumbled, and Heihachi nodded along with her.
"Last time, on Date That Loser, my grandson went on a date with that creepy British kid!" Heihachi announced, and a spotlight fell on Steve. He squinted into the light and shook his fist.
"I could have won, too, if it wasn't for those meddling rejects! And the demented old man!"
"Stop ripping off Scooby Doo, it was never funny!" Heihachi reprimanded.
"And loyal fans, you voted, and decided that Jin's next horror should be none other than Kunimitsu!" Jun revealed.
"Probably because she was acting like a mega-bitch," Marduk mumbled under his breath. Then he looked around to make sure she wasn't nearby to punch him again.
"Kunimitsu?" Michelle asked, perking up. "Oh, this is gonna be good."
Jin sighed as he walked along the white-sand beach. The sun was blazing overhead, and while he liked good weather, it just wasn't working with his usual brooding look. Well, nothing was working with his brooding look, which he found irritating. He couldn't wear a leather coat or fancy shoes. Also missing was his favorite pair of sweats and the biker outfit he favored in his younger years. Jin had tried his hardest to look angst-ridden, but it was really hard to do when only wearing black beach shorts with red flames up one thigh.
He looked like an extrovert and he hated it.
Well, look at the bright side He tried to tell himself. You're not getting picked up for the first time in forever, which means you're actually dating a girl. He nodded to himself and was consoled for a brief moment before he remembered that all of the tournament females were insane. His face fell as he glared into the shimmering ocean.
"Kazama," Jin reluctantly turned to face none other than Kunimitsu, who was wearing a bikini with light green and dark green watermelon stripes. An impatient frown was visible on her magenta lips, as she was wearing her half-mask. She held a picnic basket in one hand and a large red and white parasol in the other.
"Well, come on, let's set up," she ordered impatiently, and Jin glared at her back as he followed. Kunimitsu smirked. She may have only met Jin in the Tag Tournament, but she wasn't a ninja for nothing, and she already had him figured out; Jin was one of those people who weren't happy unless they were a little miserable. Not only that, but he relied on other people to make his life interesting. And because Kunimitsu possessed a banging hot body and a bad attitude, she knew that she could be exactly what Jin needed.
She unfolded the umbrella and speared it into the sand before digging into the basket and spreading out a checked blanket. Jin watched as she made herself comfortable and only sat down when she impatiently patted the spot next to her.
"Make yourself useful and get my back." she ordered, tossing a bottle of sunscreen to Jin. For a brief moment, Jin imagined squeezing the contents onto her bossy head, shoving her mask-first into the sand and sprinting and never looking back at what was undoubtedly going to be a horrible date, but he only sighed and did as he was told.
Jin finished what he deemed "the dirty deed" and rolled on his back, tucking his hands behind his head and glaring up at the underside of the umbrella. He was just thinking that the date might not go so badly if she allowed him to take a nap, but the kunoichi had other ideas.
"Well?" Jin's eyes snapped open at the sharp edge of Kunimitsu's voice. Any other man probably would have appreciated the sight of a woman standing over him wearing a bikini, but Jin was too weird and annoyed to give her any positive attention.
"What?" he groaned, squinting up at her in annoyance.
"We didn't come here so you could sit on your lazy ass and do nothing." she drawled. "Get the hell up."
"Why?" Jin asked. "So I can frolic in the waves with you? No thank you." he finished rather sassily. He closed his eyes and a waves of sand sprayed and landed on his face. He sat up and dusted himself off, giving her a dry look. "What do you want?"
"We're going to swim," Kunimitsu demanded. "So get off your emo-ass." Deciding that it was simpler to do as the bossy woman wanted, Jin heaved a sigh and followed her to the water.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the inadequate female ninja." Kunimitsu stopped and stiffened at the sound of Yoshimitsu's mocking tone. Jin hadn't noticed Raven and Yoshimitsu leering at himself and Kunimitsu mere feet away, but he supposed that was a ninja thing.
"What are you freaks doing out in public?" Kunimitsu asked, looking first at Yoshimitsu, then Raven.
"Being superior to you in every way, as usual." Raven replied. He did an elaborate back flip as Kunimitsu threw a kunai at him. "Ha, missed!"
"As usual!" Yoshimitsu added, and both laughed at the kunoichi. Jin raised an eyebrow as he watched the whole thing. Weren't ninjas supposed to be stoic and not so irritating? And why were they all at the beach?
"Why are you really here, assholes?" Kunimitsu asked, folding her arms over her watermelon-chest.
"Well, we were going to challenge you two, but because you're both female, you'd lose." Raven replied, and Yoshimitsu laughed. Jin narrowed his eyes. As irritating as Kunimitsu had been, at least she hadn't called him a woman.
"What's the challenge?" Kunimitsu growled, and the male ninjas smirked.
"Sandcastle building." Yoshimitsu answered.
"…You're kidding me," Jin muttered. "You can't seriously expect-"
"Challenge accepted!" Kunimitsu exclaimed, and Jin slapped a hand to his forehead. Deciding that that wasn't enough, Kunimitsu slapped the back of his head.
"Hey!" Jin complained.
"Shut up, Kazama! You don't just turn down a ninja competition!"
"You're not ruining this for me!"
"I don't care if you don't want to build sandcastles, you're going to suck up and do it."
"I didn't say that, I just wanted to-"
"Brood? Brood and mope on your own time, we've got a sandcastle to build!" Kunimitsu ordered. Jin shook his head. It hadn't been more than twenty minutes, and he already knew this wouldn't end well.
"All right, Jin, this is the game plan," Kunimitsu explained as they walked roughly fifty feet away from the male ninjas. "Because you're a man, you can't be trusted to do any of the finer detailing, but fortunately you can compensate with your larger mass." Jin glanced sideways at her.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, and she sighed before answering in a very condescending tone.
"You're going to use your big brutish body to get me all the sand and water that I need. The bucket's by our spot." she replied, placing her hands on her hips and staring down at the white sand. Jin squinted at her, maybe hoping that she realized how sexist and mean she sounded, but she remained oblivious.
"Anything else?" he asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, you can start by digging up some sand for me," Kunimitsu ordered, pointing to the flawless sand. Jin shook his head and went to retrieve the bucket and shovel.
This is lame, no pathetic. And humiliating! Jin thought as he dug at the soft sand with his dinky plastic shovel. And I think I'm getting sunburn. Indeed, the fair-skinned man could practically feel his skin drying up and darkening.
"Put your back in it," Kunimitsu commanded as she sipped from a Capri Sun packet. When she was done, she threw it to the ground and stomped on it, and Jin almost thought that a giant foot would come out of nowhere and stomp her for the disrespect.
"What are you looking at?" she barked, and he sighed.
"Should have known…" he muttered before resuming his work.
Twenty minutes later found Jin making his fifth trip down to the shore to retrieve water for the female tyrant. He jumped and almost backhanded Yoshimitsu to hell when the older man appeared before him. Jin let out a sigh of relief.
"Not like you would have hit me. I'm too ninja for that." Yoshimitsu said. Jin narrowed his eyes.
"What do you want?" he asked impatiently.
"I want you to throw the competition," Yoshimitsu answered without hesitation.
"You can't win a sandcastle building contest on your own?" Jin asked dryly.
"Oh I could win blindfolded with my hand tied behind my back, even with that poser on my team," Yoshimitsu replied, pointing in Raven's direction. "But why just win when you can humiliate Kunimitsu, too?" he asked, and Jin honestly couldn't think of an argument for that.
"Come on," Yoshimitsu insisted. "Do it."
Jin was about to open his mouth to say yes, when a horrible, suppressed flashback flooded his mind.
He was nineteen years old, a rookie at the third tournament, but that didn't bother him much; there were a lot of fighters around his age entering for the first time. He couldn't say he was a happy teen (losing your mother and being forced to live with Heihachi will do that to you). But at least he had an mp3 player.
Hwoarang glared at the back of Jin's head, unnoticed or just plain ignored by the young man he so detested. He had to get that raven-haired bastard back, he just had to!
"Hey," Hwoarang squinted up into the creepy, yellow eyes of Yoshimitsu and literally jumped out of his seat.
"Holy shit, ALIEN!" he yelled, much to Paul's enjoyment.
"Alien, that's what you look like!" Paul laughed, pointing from across the hotel lobby. Yoshimitsu rolled his eyes, writing a mental note to get Paul back later.
"Anyway…" Yoshimitsu continued, trying to dispel the awkwardness that followed Hwoarang's outburst. "We're looking for an escaped, disgruntled and very dangerous duck that escaped from Boskonovitch labs." the ninja held up a poster of a pissy-looking black duck, and inspiration struck Hwoarang's mischievous brain. "So if you see it-"
"Oh my god that duck's attacking his head!" Hwoarang shouted, frantically pointing at Jin. Yoshimitsu gasped before leaping into action, tackling Jin down and trying to remove his hair from his scalp.
"Wh-what are you doing? Knock it off! Hey-" Jin's protests were silenced by Yoshimitsu's determined attacks.
"Stay still! I'm trying to get this murderous duck off of your head!" he ordered, yanking at Jin's hair.
"Ha! Bitch-duck!" Hwoarang laughed, pointing at Jin. Most of the other fighters joined in his laughter, forming a circle around the unfortunate Kazama.
However, at the other end of the lounge…
"Oh, aren't you the sweetest little thing?" Julia asked, kneeling down and beaming at the little black duck that had come waddling up to her.
"Bitch-duck," Jin murmured slowly, his eyes narrowing.
"What?" Yoshimitsu asked, raising a concealed brow in confusion. This kid really is messed up.
"No deal," Jin sneered, turning back to his task at hand. Yoshimitsu's jaw dropped.
"What could you have to gain by teaming up with that feminist asshole!" he asked in confused outrage. He just barely dodged the knife Kunimitsu sent flying at him.
"I hope you know what you're doing." Jin muttered as he handed Kunimitsu the buckets of water. She nodded.
"Don't worry about it, It's all under control." she assured him as she carved and scraped at the sand.
Half an hour later, Kunimitsu stood up, brushing sand off of her thighs. The castle was beautiful, and one could hardly tell it was made out of sand, it looked so solid. She placed her hands on her hips and looked up at Jin.
"Well, what do you think?" she asked.
Jin nodded, actually impressed. Kunimitsu had been unbearable throughout the entire process, but she'd done well. Every detail was elaborately etched into the sand, and the castle sported hundreds of perfectly rectangular bricks along its proud walls. The windows and doors were expertly crafted as well, all smooth and beautiful.
Farther along the beach, Raven stuck a little twig with a leaf impaled on one end on top of a pathetic mound of sand, which cracked when the twig made contact with it. Yoshimitsu crossed his arms over his chest.
"You're kidding me?" he said in a dry tone. Raven glared up at him.
"You try building a sandcastle, it's harder than it looks!" Raven shot.
"It doesn't matter!" Yoshimitsu retorted, not willing to admit that his sandcastle-building skills were amateur at best. "Our sandcastle sucks and theirs doesn't!"
"Got that right," Yoshimitsu and Raven turned and glared at Kunimitsu, who was strolling towards them with Jin not far behind. "Call that piece of crap a castle? Looks more like…well, a piece of crap!" Kunimitsu bellowed, laughing at the lame little castle.
"Uh…who's judging?" Jin asked. Though it was obvious that Kunimitsu's castle was superior, competitions usually had an impartial judge.
"Why bother?" Kunimitsu snorted. "They lose!"
"No, no, we didn't appoint a judge, that means oldest male ninja judges!" Raven exclaimed.
"What?" Jin asked.
"Bull!" Kunimitsu yelled.
"Tradition!" Yoshimitsu countered. "And as judge, I say that our sandcastle wins." he added, nodding smugly.
"Can't we just find some random person on the beach?" Jin asked, but, as usual, was ignored.
"What sandcastle?" Kunimitsu asked, stomping on Raven's hard work. Yoshimitsu and Raven gasped, the latter pointing an accusing finger at Kunimitsu.
"You destroyed the castle," he said gravely.
"The ultimate disrespect." Yoshimitsu added in the same tone.
"More like put it out of its misery." Kunimitsu muttered, casually filing her fingernails. Without taking his hate-filled glare off of Kunimitsu, Yoshimitsu sent an exploding shuriken at her sandcastle, effectively blowing it to smithereens.
"My masterpiece!" she shrieked as the male ninjas cackled cruelly.
"Looks like nobody wins!" Yoshimitsu proclaimed.
"When did you get exploding shuriken?" Jin asked, brows furrowed at the mess that was once a proud sandcastle. Had Naruto really infected everything?
"I'll kill you for this! I'll kill you!" Kunimitsu raged, tackling down Yoshimitsu. Jin was about to make his exit (as he usually did when his dates got distracted by violence) when Kunimitsu yelled: "If you ditch me here you better learn to sleep with one eye open!" That taken into consideration, Jin sighed and stood close to the shore, trying to look brooding despite the laughing children running around the "Ducky-man".
Hours later, after all of the sane people had left the beach, the ninja battle was over. All three ninjas were sprawled on the ruined sand, chests heaving as they tried to catch their breath.
"Can we go now?" Jin asked, irritated. This was exactly why he'd started wearing a trench coat, it was just too damned cold to be walking around shirtless at night.
"Yeah…" Kunimitsu panted, then cleared her throat. "yeah." Slowly, she got up, and Jin started walking away from the beach. The date would almost be officially over, her chance at fortune was getting away! If I could only get one kiss…he'd be hooked. Kunimitsu was convinced of it. Very slyly she caught up to him, and, seizing opportunity, launched herself at his face.
"OW!" Instead of lip-locking with Jin, the pointed nose of her mask jabbed him in the eye, and he doubled over, clutching at his face.
"Shit!" Not one to give up easily, Kunimitsu grabbed at him again, and while the poor man was incapacitated, shoved her lips onto his.
Raven and Yoshimitsu watched with jaws wide open.
It lasted for a lot longer than Jin wanted it to, mostly because he was frozen with horror. After a few seconds he finally regained enough of his senses to shove the woman off of him, and his eye twitched. He stared at her much like a toddler would look at a jerk who just took his candy. Kunimitsu was oblivious.
"So?" she asked, taking a step back and placing both hands on her hips. Speechless, Jin just slowly shook his head and retreated to the safety of his car, wishing he had never been born.
Back at the set…
"And so it turned out that Jin's first kiss would prove to be a traumatizing experience," Heihachi narrated to the hand-held mirror he'd stolen from Anna. "as it was not only painful, but stolen by a woman old enough to be his mom." It was unclear if the rest of the fighters heard him or not; most were laughing hysterically on the bleachers.
"How…why?" Jun seemed to be in the same state of despair as Jin, unable to form a complete thought.
"Well that was…a little more interesting than usual," Kazuya said. He was torn between finding the situation hilarious and being deeply disturbed by the event.
"Vote and…yeah." Jun announced vaguely.
"See you next time on Date That Loser!" Heihachi pumped his fist into the air, all smiles.
A/N: I suppose I owe you all an explanation for lack of updates. Here goes: Facebook, job, writer's block, Twitter, losing job, trying to get into shape and partying. Also, I have a Twitter and Formspring (posted on profile) so if you like, you can harass me there about being a slow updater. Seriously not joking about writer's block; I started this chapter on the day Harada-san announced that Jun would be playable.