This is my entry to the Love Through Lemons contest hosted by tby789 and LolaShoes
For more info on this contest please visit: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5161370/
Pairing: Bella/Jasper. AU/AH.
Rating: M - Please do not continue if you are under 18 years of age.
Contains explicit sexual stuff
A thousand sexy thank-yous to Legna989, my beta, and to ElleCC for validating that this contains a satisfactory level of Jaspergasm
I sat across from Jasper at our small card table, absentmindedly stabbing my chopsticks into my lo mein noodles.
"Bella," Jasper stated, like a scolding parent.
I looked up, my eyes slowly meeting his - ice blue and sparkling, deceptive because they twinkled happily, regardless of his mood.
"You're playing with your food. What's wrong?"
We had lived together for three years now, and particularly after everything he witnessed me going through in the past six months, I could hide nothing from him anymore. I rarely had the desire to, but lately my thoughts tended to meander to places I didn't much feel like sharing.
"Nothing. This Chinese isn't that good. Every time we get Chow-Lin's I swear it's the last time. Why do we keep getting it?"
"B, he doesn't deserve you," he sighed, ignoring my question. "He never did. I know it's hard, but it's been four months, and he doesn't deserve another moment of your energy or your time." He pushed his chopsticks into his take-out carton and wiped his mouth. I watched as the napkin dragged across his lips. I watched as he crumpled it, as it disappeared inside his large hand.
This isn't about Edward. Not anymore.
"I know, Jasper. I'm fine, I swear. It was just a really…mind-numbing day. I'm tired."
He stood up and began closing the cartons of food, piling them back into the large paper bag.
"We need to start cooking. I don't think I can stand to spend any more time at the gym than I already do."
I sighed, wishing he would spend less time at the gym, wishing he would just get fat and hairy already.
"Hey, how was that band you saw yesterday?" I stayed seated, calling back to him as he put the leftovers in the fridge.
"Alright, I suppose. A little loud, and not in the good way. Whatever, it was free."
I turned just as he closed the refrigerator. He had another two bottles of Sam Adams in his hands. He grabbed a lighter off the counter and popped the caps off both of them, a trick that never ceased to impress me. He had tried so many times to teach me and I just couldn't get it. Jasper was good at everything. What amazed me most was that he was still friendly with nearly all of his exes, whereas mine always left me a weeping, pathetic shell of a human, even months after a breakup. Edward was no different in that respect.
Jasper had been around since high school, almost 6 years now, and he picked up the pieces every time. When Edward left me, I'd told myself this time would be different - that I was a grown woman and I would pick myself up, dust myself off and not let him break me, and yet for three of those months Jasper had literally had to pick me up, right off the floor, several times a week.
But that relationship was intense. It was different, though it ended just like all the others.
We passed the evening quietly watching TV, each sitting on our own couch, me on the little one, Jasper on the big one. We watched Curb Your Enthusiasm, or rather Jasper watched it and I watched him smile and laugh, because it made me smile and laugh. Jasper had witnessed more than a few of my bad breakups, but this one…I'd never have gotten through if it weren't for that laugh.
I was lost in a cloud of indistinct thoughts when I felt Jasper pat my hand, which was laying on the armrest next to him.
"B, you look tired, maybe you should go to bed." A long finger traced along the back of my hand from my wrist, to the tip of my middle finger. It was an innocuous gesture, I was certain.
I nodded. "You're right, I am, and I will. Night, Jas."
I stood up and hesitated for a moment before heading to my room. For whatever reason, I decided to forego the usual kiss-on-the-head goodnight.
I quickly changed into a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top and skipped washing my face, something I normally couldn't sleep without doing. For some reason I was in a rush to go to bed, as if a better, more peaceful world existed between the sheets. That was never the case though; in fact, from the day Edward left me until a little under a month ago, bed was just about the worst place on earth. Bed meant nighttime, and nighttime meant complete and utter desolation. It was the only time I couldn't escape from my thoughts, from the truth.
I lay my head on the pillow and stared blankly at the bottle of Xanax on the nightstand. I stopped filling the prescription last month and there were only two left, for emergencies. I started at the bottle every night before falling asleep, listing the reasons why that night did not qualify as an emergency night. The pills would do nothing for me tonight, but I had never felt so inclined to take one.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to fall asleep. In my head, I screamed: FALL ASLEEP. FALL ASLEEP. It was a counterproductive exercise. I reached into the nightstand and grabbed my iPod, but after ten minutes of clicking the forward button, I yanked the earphones from my ears. Every song told me things that I didn't want to hear.
I looked at the clock, it glared 12:45 at me.
If I could fall asleep right now, I'd get a good 6 hours.
At approximately 1:37 the jumble of thoughts in my head came to a crescendo, a sound I could only liken to the swelling disharmony of noise and orchestra in the Beatles' "A Day in the Life".
At the crescendo I shot straight up, my breath heaving, heart pounding.
You were doing so well. Now you're back to…Sgt. Pepper's.
I stepped out of bed and tiptoed into the hall.
Don't. The Xanax would be a better idea.
I placed my hand on Jasper's doorknob, turning it painfully slowly.
This now classifies as an emergency.
I ignored my cautionary thoughts and closed the door behind me, just loudly enough to wake him. He rolled over and squinted at me. His room was at the front of the apartment and at night it was always bathed in a purplish glow from the sign belonging to "The Nite Lite," a dive bar across the street.
"Hey," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Jasper was used to this.
After Edward left me, I slept in his bed nearly every night for a month and then several times a week for another month after that. I'd made it impossible for him to have a relationship because I needed to sleep with him when he was here, and I couldn't stand it if he was gone for the night. Maybe it was weird, but it didn't feel weird - I just couldn't be alone. I'd toss and turn and think and sob in my own bed, but the minute I lay down in Jasper's, I would fall asleep and usually make it through the whole night. I often felt panicky and sleeping with him made me feel safe, safe knowing someone was watching if I suddenly stopped breathing or something. When Edward left, I frequently felt as though I would lose my breath, and never catch it again.
"Rough night?" he asked.
I nodded, but didn't move. For some reason I felt uncomfortable, perhaps even a little shy.
Jasper lifted his comforter, signalling me to join him. He was wearing just a pair of sweatpants, as usual. I stepped forward and then stopped.
"Maybe I should just try to sleep on my own. It's been so long...I was doing so well."
"It's late. You need your sleep, c'mon it's ok. Tomorrow will be a better day."
I crawled into his bed and lay on my side with my back to him and he threw the comforter over me and rolled onto his back.
I listened to his breathing and I knew he was still awake ten or fifteen minutes later when I spoke. "Jasper, what if I never get over this?"
He turned onto his side and I felt his hand grasp my shoulder. The blood beneath my skin rushed towards it, seeking his warmth.
"You will, B. You've already come pretty far. It'll just keep getting better."
Not that. What if I never get over ... this?
"I hope so," I murmured, pressing my face against the pillow, inhaling deeply.
He moved his hand to my neck and squeezed gently, causing a trail of goosebumps to emerge and travel down my spine. I felt his hand withdrawing so I reached back and grabbed it, pulling his arm around me. My mind was strangely quiet.
He stiffened, almost imperceptibly. I tugged his arm, pulling him closer. My heart was still pounding, inching further up my chest towards my throat. For some reason it emboldened me. Or made me completely crazy. I pressed myself back against him and clutched his arm. He froze.
"Bella?" he whispered, my name sounding like a question.
I didn't answer, but instead laced my fingers through his. I brought our hands up to my mouth and kissed his fingertips before releasing his hand. I moved back again, pressing my back against his chest, my ass against his pelvis. His hand moved to my hips and he sighed a little.
His kisses were so soft at first, against the back of my head first and then moving downward. He pushed my hair away and I felt his lips on the nape of my neck. I shuddered and he halted, his fingers pressing gently into my hips.
"Are you okay?" he whispered, his breath tickling the skin on back of my neck.
I nodded and he slid his hand to my stomach. "Speak. Tell me you're okay."
I moved my hand from the mattress and rested it over my stomach, pushing my fingers between his. "I'm okay," I choked, my voice wavering. I frowned, not intending to sound so unsure.
It was enough for him though, because again I felt his lips press against my neck. As they moved down between my shoulder blades his kisses became wetter and firmer.
He moved across my back, returning up to my shoulder, kissing along the top of it, until he reached my neck, and then I felt his tongue exploring the skin there. I gasped softly and he pressed his body against mine. I felt his teeth on my earlobe, nibbling gently before moving upwards, his tongue running along the ridges of my cartilage. He moved our hands together up my stomach and over my breasts. I gasped and pressed my face against the pillow. My hand fell back onto the bed as his continued to explore.
His thumb circled around my nipple as he kissed my shoulder. I reached behind me to clutch his hip and he responded by pushing his hand beneath my tank top. We both moaned softly as his hands moved back over my bare skin. He began to move his hips gently against my back, pushing into me. His mouth was at the nape of my neck again, and every so often he would moan against it. I moved my hand along his firm, flat lower abdomen. I stroked the smooth skin there until I worked up the courage to push it beneath the waistband of his sweatpants and briefs. He hissed as I raked my fingers through his pubic hair before curving them around his shaft. As instinctual as the reaction may have been, I felt some pride in the idea that I was the cause of his erection.
"Bella," he gasped into my hair, "your hands...fuck..."
He pushed his other arm beneath me and grabbed my free hand, squeezing it tightly. His other hand continued to move between my breasts, alternating between squeezing them and tugging at my nipples. I moved my hand up and down the length of his cock, his ragged moans serving to encourage my movements.
After a few minutes he grabbed my hand and pulled my arm over my head, moving his mouth down my body, and bringing it to my breast. He kissed along the bottom softly before circling my nipple with his tongue. I whimpered softly as he sucked it into his mouth. His hand grazed over my stomach, along my hipbone before slipping into my shorts. His fingers brushed first over my panties, before pushing them aside and softly grazing over my slick bare skin.
He released my nipple and straightened out, moving his mouth back to my ear.
"You're wet," he whispered, sounding almost surprised at the discovery.
He pushed his fingers into me just briefly before dragging them back up over my clit. I cried out, more sensitive to his touch than I expected. He kissed my jaw as his fingers moved inside me, my hand fumbling behind me until I found his dick again. Within moments we had each found our rhythm, moving against each other at an even pace.
His breaths became shallow and more frequent and when I released his cock to gently massage his balls, his hand let go of mine and the other reemerged from between my legs. I let go of him as he gripped the waistband of my shorts and yanked them down. I pushed them off my ankles with the opposite feet as he pulled my tank top over my head. His fingers distracted themselves with my nipples briefly before he disappeared from my side completely.
I froze, worried that he was having second thoughts. I felt him shuffle at the edge of the bed and then he was back, having shed his sweatpants.I relished the feeling of skin on skin for a moment before I heard a tearing noise near my ear and then the distinct sound of him slipping on a condom.
I remained completely still. I was concerned that he would ask me if this was okay, if I was sure, if this was what I wanted. I didn't want to have answer those questions, I just wanted the decision to be made for me.
Of course this was Jasper, and he always took care of things. He simply pushed his hand between my thighs and lifted one leg just enough to position himself against me. He didn't need to ask more than once, he knew. He always knew.
We both gasped as he pushed inside me. He moved slowly at first, getting acquainted with the feeling of being inside his best friend since high school. As bizarre as it was, it did not feel strange at all. As his pace increased, he moved the hand beneath me to my breast. The other remained in place, tightly gripping my thigh.
He moved faster and faster until I could no longer stifle the moans, and they escaped my mouth, one after another. I was close to climax when he pulled out and nudged me onto my stomach. He moved over top of me and lifted my hips, entering me again.
I buried my face in the pillow immediately to muffle the moans and near-screams as I felt him hit the most sensitive part of me. He was groaning now too and I imagined he was close. I suddenly wanted him to touch me everywhere, and almost on cue his hand moved between my legs, his fingers finding my swollen clit.
It may have taken about thirty seconds before I was screaming his name into the pillow. Before I had fully come down he pulled out and turned me over.
I nearly wept at the sight of his beautiful face just inches from mine. He pushed my hair away from my face and whispered my name, and although it had escaped his lips a million times before, it sounded so different and lovely this time. He pressed his lips firmly against mine as he re-entered me.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and ran my fingers along the tensed muscles in his back. We kissed passionately as he moved inside me, both of us exploring, searching for something within each other. He gripped my thighs and then gently slid his hands beneath my knees and lifted them, wrapping my legs around his waist. I clenched them tightly around him and he groaned, moving faster and faster, his kisses becoming deeper and deeper.
His mouth remained on mine as he climaxed a few moments later, moaning my name and squeezing my waist. He continued to kiss me in between attempts to catch his breath, not pulling out of me until he absolutely had to.
Eventually he rolled onto his back and a reality came rushing back, nearly overtaking me. I turned onto my side and inched towards the edge of the bed before swinging one leg over the side of the mattress. I felt Jasper's hand close around my upper arm. He pulled me back against him.
"Stay please," he asked, kissing my ear lightly after he spoke.
Damaging thoughts had already filled my head, clamoring over each other to be heard.
Your best friend...anyone but him...what would you do if...?
I finally spoke up, my voice cracking at his name and giving out completely before I could finish. "Jasper, I don't think I could take it if..."
He turned me around and pressed my head into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me. He kissed the top of my head before saying, "I won't. I could never..."
The tears spilled onto my cheeks as soon as he spoke, for once not brought on by sadness or fear.
Please let me know what you thought :) Oh, and btw the title comes from the song "Golden Slumbers" by The Beatles... Please read the lyrics because it's important ok?