This is a piece about Leia after the events of ANH trying to grieve the lose of the man who raised her.
A/N I went on the upsumtion that like any royal family that Lei a was raised by other people besides Bail and Breha. If it's hard to follow my excuse is that when you're upset your thought aren't straight.
I stare out the into the jungle.
I wish that I could mourn your death but the tears didn't come.
I cried mother died, at least I think I did. I don't remember.
I do remember that I saw you less after her death though.
I hated your sisters with a passion. I wasn't truly sorry when they died in that speeder accident when I was sixteen. They never let me be my own person. They tried to force me to be someone I wasn't and Ani said that that was wrong; that I should be allowed to make my own decisions, to succeed or fail on my own. Padme agreed with Ani.
I never told you about Ani or Padme before either. They are beings that spoke to me when I was lonely as a child. Ani is cold and distant but if you asked him about ships, speeders and how to hot wire certain things and he opens up, a little. He also believes that no one should force their opinions on others. Padme is quiet but like Ani feels that I should make my own decisions.
If you're wondering what happened to them Ani wandered away, Padme said he was depressed and he himself wasn't free and doesn't think he'll ever be free again; he doesn't feel like he deserves freedom again.
Padme stopped talking to me after I joined the Senate.
I joined the Rebellion to help restore freedom to the galaxy, but I became a senator to get your attention. I failed.
In fact you were angry with me. You said that you didn't mind me being in the Rebellion but you did mind me being on Coruscant. You never gave a duracrete answer to why I shouldn't except that it wasn't safe. Of course it wasn't safe! It would have been safer for me to walk down the streets of Tatooine wearing a very revealing costume.
At first I thought that you were worried that Vader would take an interest in me. He barely gave me a second look. And when he did I sensed self-loathing.
When I was aboard the Devastator a old officer asked me if it was true that I had in a round about way called Vader a nerfherder. He told me that he knew someone that had a mouth and that he'd on several occasions had insulted various beings, especially when he was at their mercy. There even was a story that he had called General Grievous short to his face. He went on to that I reminded him of his friend. I asked if his friend still had a smart mouth, he said that he didn't know.
When Tarkin threatened to destroy Alderaan I felt horror. Because innocent people were going to die. I didn't care if they killed me but I didn't think that I could live with myself if the innocents of Alderaan were killed.
I thought that I would break down and weep. But Ani came very briefly and whispered that Tarkin wanted to break me. I felt the truth of his words. Tarkin wanted to break me. So I refused to let him have the pleasure of seeing me cry.
Luke came and told me if I wanted to cry than I should think about the happy times.
Luke Skywalker is Anakin Skywalker's son, the Hero without Fear. I know that Anakin must have felt fear of some type. All sentient beings feel fear.
Luke wants to fight Vader so that he can avenge the deaths of his father and Obi-Wan Kenobi.
I'm sorry that I failed you. I was supposed to bring him to you, instead I got myself captured and he died trying to rescue me. He was the last living member of the Skywalker-Kenobi Team. If anyone could have helped us bring down the Empire than he was one of them.
Maybe this is one why I feel the way I do. I have failed almost everyone!
Through my foolishness I allowed myself to be captured, because I was captured I was tortured for the location of our base, because I wouldn't give it up and Vader didn't want to kill me Tarkin destroyed Alderaan, because Alderaan was destroyed Obi-Wan, Luke, Han and Chewie were captured and brought onto the Death Star, and Obi-Wan was killed because the Tractor Beam had to be disabled.
The only good that came of it was that I met Luke. I feel a connection to him. The same way that I feel connected to Vader. And I think that's bad.
I have tried to think of the happy times but either there were so few of them or I am so filled with guilt for what happened.
I can feel hot tears run down my cheeks.
I'm sorry Bail! I'm so sorry!