A/N: Thanx to Black-Dranzer-1119 for beta-ing:)

1. Regret

It was cold. The filthy stones were hard and grey, and the sound of blood dripping on them was metallic and hard. It was the only sound that could be heard, next to the five-o'clock in the morning traffic in a dark suburb of Tokyo, and the small sounds of a young man softly sobbing and shaking. The young male had a slim build and was extremely beautiful, even through the all the bruises covering his partly nude body, and his expensive clothes ripped. Not that the price was visible anymore. Not that the price mattered anymore…

…Not that anything like that mattered anymore.

A stranger would've thought he was just the average male whore who was taken too hard by his customer, and later got beaten by his boss because he complained. Or just someone drunk and stoned who'd been beaten by other random drunk people. But he was far from that.

Only those who knew him would have known he wasn't someone who would ever drink or sell his body, or go out at a time like this. Especially not in a place like that, surrounded by criminals and other dark people and flooded with alcohol, drugs, abuse and angst. How had he ever got here…? How had he got there, pained and covered in dirt, sweat and blood? A dark red scratch bleed on his face, his left cheekbone broken, his hurt body shook from abuse. His clothes only hung loosely around him in shreds. His black shirt was now sleeveless and most of the buttons that had matched the color and shone of his blood were gone, and the black colouring was steadily intensified by the blood dripping out of the taut, tanned skin. His dark-red jeans were cut down the whole length of the front of his upper legs, which showed fairly deep cuts in the skin right under the cuts in the jeans. Only one of his black sneakers was left, his other feet, clad in a black sock, bled too, and glass pointed out of the flesh. He suddenly winced when he tried to shift to a more comfortable position, and felt pain shoot up his veins from the direction of his bottom. Eyes had shot open, and his pupils wide caused by the unidentified liquid that burnt through his veins.

All over his body, Light Yagami was inflicted by countless cuts that tore and stretched with the slightest of movements. Maybe he'd die. Bleed to death, or just have a heart attack from the substance that burnt in his blood. He'd just break. Fall. Everything would turn black. His whole body hurt, but it was nothing compared to what he felt inside. He was broken… so goddamn broken.


I think I love you."

Light winced again when he thought about that guy. THAT guy. L. Ryuzaki. Ryuga. However you'd like to call him. Oh god, how only the thought about him hurt so damn bad. L broke him. L. L…

Light began to sob harder, and his bruised chest began to shake. It was all HIS fault. It was HIS fault Light was here, in this state, with these wounds.

"Ryuzaki, I love you."

Light stared at the black-haired man in front of him, as he expected a soft smile or just a small nod and a hug. L has been so nice to him these days. Light would swear L liked him too.

Maybe even loved.

He'd been living for this moment for so long. Ever since he knew L.

He'd already imagined what would happen next. L would say: 'Yes, I know, Light-kun,' and take Light in his arms, and stare in his eyes for a moment before kissing him. Or, in the worst case, he'd smile sadly at Light and mutter a soft 'Sorry, Light-kun,' and touch his face before just going on with whatever he was doing, in this case dressing up after a hot shower. But the half-naked L in front of Light hadn't smiled kindly. In fact, his face suddenly turned into stone, a cynical twitch around his lips that never reached his dark eyes.

"Light-kun says he loves me? I'm surprised."

That look. Light squeezed his eyes shut, and tried to ban the icy-cold look on L's face out of his mind, together with his cutting words.

Light blinked.

"Huh? Why do you say that…? Surprised?"

His eyes suddenly widened… this sounded bad.

"This is especially what I expected you to say, Kira. Telling me you love me, and seduce me, trying to make me become attached to you, trying to take my heart and lock it up in that malicious black hole of yours-"

Light felt his heart turn into deep-frozen stone.

"Ryuzaki, what are you saying? Trapping you? Locking you up? No, I don't mean it like that, I'm not Kira, I want-"

Light could already hear that he sounded too panicked.

"The percentage of you being Kira just increased to 98%, Kira-kun. What? Are you shocked your plan is uncovered…? Ridiculous. Try coming up with something better, and less predictable."

The brunette felt his heart missing a beat. Ridiculous? His love? A plan…? Did he mean this…? Predictable… Plan? No!

"No, Ryuzaki, I don't mean it like that, I love you and I-"

"-Am Kira and try to kill you. Yes, I already figured that."

L sounded annoyed, as if Light were a little child asking for sweets too often. It cut. It cut in Light's chest, and even more did the ice-cold look on L's face when he turned to Light again.

"You have ten seconds to take back those words. I don't want to hear them, right? I don't want to hear those lies. One…"

"Ryuzaki, please, don't be so mean, I mean it-"


Tears pricked behind Light's eyes.

"Please, Ryuzaki, I'll do anything, please, please believe me…"


Drops of salty liquid had begun to stream out of honey brown eyes.

"Oh, God, Please, don't do this to me, I'm BEGGING! Would Kira do that?"

L looked at Light with a stare that made absolutely clear that Kira WOULD do something like that, if he already planned something unworthy like seducing L. The pink lips parted again as they continued their countdown.



Light had then felt thick and warm tears roll over his cheeks. L…


He planted his hands against his ears in a vain attempt to block out those words, but L's words cut right through them.


L only watched the shaking brunette fall on his knees in front of him, as he thought it was just a perfected act his Kira-suspect was performing. Amused, he wondered how far he could take this, and so he continued.

"Seven…What, aren't you going to admit, Kira? Eight…"





Not willing to give up, Light had looked up at L to look right in his eyes, trying to make clear this wasn't an act at all. He shook, panted slightly, and felt the sweat drop all over his face.

"I-I…I really love you, I really do, I love you so much…"

A shot of belief had finally worked its way through L's mind, and one brief moment, he almost bent over, picked Light up and carried him to the bed. He had wanted to lie him down softly and apologize for being so cruel, but then he had suddenly realized why he was doing this to the creature that shook and sobbed quietly as it lay at his feet.

"No, Kira. You don't. You want to kill me. You want to have me dead. You want to see the life stream out of my eyes when I lie in your arms and look up at your face…"

"N-no, Ryu, I don't want to, I want to be with you, I-Please! I don't want you dead! You scare me! I-I…Please…"

All Light's hope flowed away when he saw the iron-hard look on L's face, his eyes filled with disgust, scorn, hate and…pity.


Pity for Light?

Pity for Light being Kira?

Pity for Light wanting him dead?

But… Light didn't want him dead…!

L briefly looked at the handcuffs, which weren't cuffed around Light's wrist now, because L and Light had been getting dressed. Light noticed too.

"Ryuzaki, do you really mean everything…? You don't believe I love you…? You think I'm Kira wanting you dead…?"

"Yes, Light. I do. And no matter what you say, I won't believe you."

"Fine, thanks for clearing that up for me."

Light had thrown a broken look in L's direction as he dressed himself in silence and made his way to the door of their apartment, before he left his love behind. He hadn't noticed L's face soften and eventually turn into an expression of pure sadness. He hadn't registered his father asking him where he was going or why he wasn't attached to L. He hadn't even realized the fact that he had walked outside while it was after eleven. He hadn't noticed the way the weird stares turned eager as he walked deeper and deeper into the smaller alley. More and more bars, prostitutes and coffee shops appeared, and people watched and whistled to him, throwing seductive looks his way, as everything became darker, filthier and more dangerous for a young guy like him.

He soon regretted it.

Light sobbed harder and buried his destroyed face in his hands. He regretted it. He regretted coming here, and for having let everything happen. He regretted going out in general. He regretted the handcuffs being gone at that moment. He regretted choosing that moment of confessing to L.

But what he regretted most was confessing to L.

Oh god, L. If Light could only see his face once more, he would tell him he's sorry and hear L apologize back; and tell him he believes him… and maybe even return Light's love. Light closed his eyes as he attempted to disappear into the fantasy for a second. Only him and L. He ignored the pain everywhere in his body and tried to find a more comfortable position again, but a sudden kick against the back of his head made everything turn black.

Light ran. Light ran away from everything; away from L; away from his own stupid self-humiliation. Away from the way it got responded. The young brunette hadn't noticed it as he ran through people as they smoked drugs and looked around for some nice human flesh to take, until a hand appeared from out of nothing and groped him.

Light suddenly came back to earth, and forgot L for a second. What…? How did he get here…? His legs hurt, like he'd been running for a while. He stopped to look around. Next to him was an old man without proper teeth and with scary eyes, a giant hump in his back and in one hand a little transparent bag with white powder. He had one hand on Light's ass and looked at Light's tears curiously. He began to wave to Light to come with him, and Light suddenly realized what that… old man thought he must be. He took a step back and began to walk away from the man, looking for a sign to where he could go to, away from this man. Maybe a hotel. Maybe home. Somewhere! Why didn't he lie next to his Deliciously Sweet Snow White Sleeping Beauty again…?

Ah. That hurt. The thought of L. L didn't love him. L didn't love Light. Light would never be able to sleep next to L again, without all the humiliating thoughts or the accusation of being Kira and wanting to kill him. Light felt his tears beginning to prick again. Oh, no. Not here. Not here, surrounded by all the people thinking he was looking for someone to take him harshly and give him money or drugs afterwards. Not surrounded by all the people he didn't belong to. Light noticed that most of the people here were men. Young man walked around in the filthy and neon-lit streets with their hips moving, looking at the older men eagerly. And the older men, looking back at the young men, waving with drugs and money, or searched for a good place to take care of business. Shit. He wasn't safe in here… He had to get out of here, and now.

Suddenly, a girl appeared. A girl, for about his age, probably… He only saw the back of her black-haired head, but maybe she knew where he should go to…!

Light walked to her and muttered a shy and slightly out of character "U-uhm…"

The girl turned around to show a nice face, resembling Sayu a bit. Light sighed in relief. "Do you know where I could go to, I'm lost, and-"

"Oh, sweet, are you lost…? Come, let me help you."

Before Light knew it, the soft-voiced girl had taken his hand and was now leading him to… an old building with red lights in the windows. Red lights? Oh no, could it be that this girl is a…!

He tried to get away, but the girl was much stronger and Light somehow felt weaker. Maybe because of his mental state, maybe because he refused to hit a girl, especially one that resembled Sayu… However, she pulled him into the building to the back of the big, dark and damp room filled with young and old men again, to a big man standing to them with his hairy back.

"Here, Shark. 60.000 Yen, please."

The tall and broad man turned around. He had a moustache and a big nose and stared at Light's face and body, inspecting every single inch, and even asked him to turn around. Light only stared at him, his brains working at full-speed.

No good. This girl must've used herself as an enticement for young guys that walked around here, trying to get them with her to this 'Shark'-guy, and sell them to him to let Shark make prostitutes of them… Light briefly looked around to notice the other young males sitting around looking at Light. Some of them looked quite scared of Shark, and some looked at Light as if trying to warn him to get away now that he had the chance. The older men looked at him eagerly.

Light felt the girl release his hand, and suddenly remembered the open door behind him. He looked at the closest young man around, a dark guy with an older man practically licking his arm, to receive a short 'You can go now'-nod. Light gave a small nod back to turn around and ran away as fast as he could. He hit someone in the face doing that, and he suddenly received a scary glance of the older man who had just been trying to molest him. Light ignored him, jumped off the stairs forming the entrance of the old building and used all the power he could to run away. Run. Away. He fully focused on the voices behind him trying to catch him, and didn't notice all the people he was pushing away. He zigzagged across the streets and alleys, relieved as the voices behind him faded away. He continued running for a while and stopped to lean against a wall with his head hanging and panting heavily. Oh, God. How did he ever get here. He vaguely remembered fresh air brushing through his hair as he walked out of the Headquarters. The Headquarters! He had to go back…! He'd go back and maybe sleep in front of it or share a room with Misa. Everything, but he had to go back. Light noticed the tears being back again, falling down to the filthy ground. He began to look at his surroundings. He stood in the middle of a small and dark alley, walls filled with graffiti and loaded with trash bins. It smelled funny. Light had smelled this before. Yes, he smelled the penetrating smolder of urine, but also something smoking and herby… Weed? It became stronger…

A hand suddenly appeared out of nowhere to grab his wrist, and the second one placed itself over his mouth to pull him against a hard chest. 'A chest?' Light looked again to notice that someone who smelled of beer and must be more than six and half feet tall was holding him and not letting him go.

"Look what we have here…"

Suddenly, three more men appeared.

The first one was tall, smiled widely scarily with yellow teeth and hair, heavy-looking necklaces and a pipe in his hand. The second one was fatter, with a too tight and filthy shirt showed the thick rolls of fat all over his belly, and revealed a big black-red dragon on his arm, and a brown stick between his hairy lips that explained the herby smell around. He was carrying a pipe too.

The third one was a small, scrawny boy, probably not too much older than Light. He somehow resembled a chicken, his nose was pointy and his lips broad and weak, and he had far too skinny legs. More like sticks, actually. Light almost laughed, but suddenly noticed the gun in the little boy's hand. The boy noticed the changes in Light's eyes and poked Light's stomach with his toy-like, but therefore probably real weapon.

"What were you thinking, you egg?"

Light's eyes widened. This… school boy calling HIM an egg? But his thoughts were interrupted by a yellow-teethed man, who shoved the younger boy away and studied Light's body intently. Light tried to move away from those eyes; they didn't look sane... But the big man behind him who had one wrist in his much larger hand had turned it a few grades to make Light scream out in pain, but stopped his breathing with his hand. Light suddenly felt his head getting lighter.

The yellow-teethed man had his eyes now fixed on Light's crotch, and licked his lips.

"Buddy, keep him. I'd prefer a chick, but this one doesn't look bad either."

Light's eyes widened once again. 'What…? This guy is going to…? No, no way.' He tried to kick the guy away when he began to untie his belt, but the Chicken and the fat guy grabbed his legs and held them down. The huge man behind him took his other wrist in the same hand that he was holding the first wrist in; the other hand still covered his lower face. He was defenseless. No way could he get out of this. Light let out a soft cry when he felt the fingers of the tall guy slide over his lower belly, getting a reaction out of his lower regions. He tried not to react in any way, not to give in, and hoped helplessly to find a way out. He felt one hand creep up his chest, under his shirt and a horrible and wet tongue sliding over his lower belly, while the other hand pulled down his jeans and grabbed his crotch, and began to squeeze and move. A horrible feeling crept up his stomach, his whole body rejecting the touches, except from where the bulge was growing in his black boxers. Light felt everything he ate the last few hours as it crept back up his throat, the perfect steak Watari had made him, the strawberries with chocolate he'd shared with L, and their piece of cake, lying on their stomachs next to each other, laughing, legs and shoulders touching. Light had taken the cake out of L's reach, and they'd been rolling and playfully fighting on their bed for it, and THERE Light had decided he'd tell him…

God, without that cake he would have never told him; and then he would've been sleeping next to him and listening to his soft breathing right now… But no, the filthy hands were still molesting his body, one hand made his hips push back every time in an attempt to feel more, no matter what his brains told them to do… And the other three bodies were just keeping him from talking or moving his limbs, defenseless and trying not to feel the torture the touches gave him-


Suddenly, the touches stopped and the hold on his body loosened, until it completely vanished into the darkness.

Light dove to his knees to pull up his jeans, before he looked up at the man who saved him.

A revolver was pointed to his forehead.