A/N: I'm not gonna apologize.

My apologies^^

Aaarggh, I did itxP

Special Thanks to Blanca 'the' Angel Loveless and of course Hellion728, Black-dranzer-1119 and Dllvanzor for the beta-ing and the inspiration:D:D:D MLM loves ya^^

Oh, well^^ Enjoy^^ I'm trying to get Light's memories back as fast as I canx3 But first: LxLight-alone-time. They deserve it:)

12. Repression

"Light-kun, do you feel like showering? I can imagine you'd like to be clean after lying in a hospital bed for so long."

Light blinked, and felt a blush creep over his face. It was true, he was clean, but he felt like the hospital clothing still stuck to his skin. In some ways it did, the ever-present plaster was still there, and he'd lain in that bed for way too long. It felt disgusting that he was only allowed to shower once every two days, but not being able to move around had been the worst. Light was an active person, like L had remarked before. He'd said Light looked so calm and controlled, but that he was always moving; in his sleep he constantly rolled around, when he sat he was tapping with a foot or chewing on a pen, when he talked he was constantly moving with his hands and he really couldn't sit still for too long, and Light knew it very well. No one but L ever really noticed it, Light preferred looking controlled, but Light hated sitting still for too long. School, homework and the Kira-case were fine, as long as he could take breaks and sport often. If he couldn't, all his energy would collect itself in his legs and especially his head, it felt, and he'd sleep even worse. Needless to say, he hadn't been able to take breaks from 'resting' all the time, sleeping had been hard and his legs still itched. He wanted to run for hours or play a tennis match against L, but he wasn't allowed to, yet. Oh well, he had walked for an hour today, and the itch had lessened already.

The idea of L washing him sounded very good, however.

"If you help me, sure. By the way, can we go out tomorrow? I haven't had enough exercise last week and my legs feel weird."

L smiled. "We can go out tomorrow. Do you want to walk to the park again or something? You're not allowed to move too much, but the weather's going to be cloudy tomorrow, meaning that my skin won't burn away if I walk outside."

L was still L. Light knew how bad L felt, but he still made incredibly dry remarks, so Light guessed he was fine. He remembered how depressed L had been when he had to conclude he couldn't solve the case by catching Light and Misa, and then he hadn't made any dry remarks at all.

They walked into the bathroom and as they undressed, Light peeked at the white skin that appeared when L took his shirt off. He looked so soft, like always, the same muscles were still defined by the same taut and supple skin. It made want Light to touch him, feel that skin and its warmth. L was warmer than he looked, and Light loved to use him as his personal heater. It would be horrible if Light couldn't touch him for some reason.

Light almost forgot he had to undress too, and quickly threw his jeans and brown shirt on the floor, to hide that he'd been staring at L. It really felt the same as before; adoring L and trying to hide it, almost like a game. The goal was to get to see as much L as possible without being caught. Light loved the game. It was arousing.

He saw a flash of L's butt before L wrapped a towel around his waist, and threw one at Light too. It didn't hide much, it reminded Light at Misa's skirts, but it also reminded him at the spa where he'd been with his family once, which had been so relaxing. This actual bathroom pretty much resembled a spa, it was a calm room made out of marble with some wooden details, some green and a lot of Rituals-products. Light felt calm by just being there. L smiled at him and reminded him at what the doctor had said: lie down on the floor and let someone wash you. L spread three big towels piled on the floor, to form a mattress, even took a smaller one and folded it to use as a pillow, and pointed at it.

"Lie down and relax, Light-kun."

The floor was warmed (Light thought he'd faint if he'd find out how expensive this single bathroom had been), which radiated through the towels, and Light sighed in relaxation when he felt the softness against his skin. L carefully wiped a strand of hair away from the plaster on his face, making Light blush again. He really wondered what he had with L. It somehow wasn't possible that this was simply platonic, right…? L was so touchy and affectionate, he did things others would label as 'gay' immediately, like soothing Light's face or rubbing their cheeks together in a cat-like gesture Light found very cute. It would feel completely natural if he'd kiss Light's cheek right now.

Or was he really feeling guilty, and was he just trying to comfort Light? The confusion would've made his head spin, but L touched his cheek again and brushed all the hair away from the plaster, to tap on it with his finger.

"This will be removed soon, right…?"

Light blinked. They'd soon go to the hospital again to check him up, and decide what they should do with it. It didn't hurt anymore, and L apparently decided he had to stay positive, because he said it would be removed. Light wondered how it would look. A broken cheekbone, the doctor said it had been loose, but that they operated on it and attached it to his skull again (how?), meaning something happened to his skin. What would it be? A small scar or an ugly line across his cheek…? He suddenly felt a little nauseous by the idea of a scar on his face, but luckily L was there to attract his attention.

"Do you want me to just wash your skin, or do you fancy a massage…?"

L smirked a little, indicating that he already knew the answer. Light laughed softly.

"What do you think?"

L blew a kiss in Light's direction and stood up to get some massage oil. Expectable or not, L knew a lot about the human body and how to relax and take care of it. There were at least four bottles with aroma-therapy massage oil L was looking through now. Sweet…

Light watched how L chose lavender and jojoba (relaxation, Light knew), took a shower head, a foot and laid it on his knees, and started kneading it, using the oil. Light closed his eyes and laid his arms under his head and improvised pillow. Hmmm…

L rubbed the downsides of his foot with his thumbs, pressing in the hollow of his foot and rubbing the sides of it and kneading everything he could knead, ending with massaging all his toes individually. He finished the foot by washing it completely with the shower head, and went to the other one. It was so relaxing; Light wished he'd go on and on until he'd regain those stupid memories. Whatever these memories would be, and he really thought it had something to do with seeing someone die in front of his eyes (would he be a murderer? No…?), nothing would stop him from making L rub his feet. The thumbs pressing the hollow of his foot, sliding over his heel and wiggling his toes professionally, and the more narrow digits soothing the upside of his foot. L was great at this, he was sure this was a talent not many people had.

As soon as both his feet were relaxed, L washed it and asked Light if he wanted L to wash his legs.

"The doctor said it was your task, I don't mind, so…yes, my legs, please."

Both smiled, and L took the massage oil to rub Light's calves. Hmmm, L's hands…Light really hoped he'd never stop doing this. He wondered how long they could live without food. Watari could bring some…

Also, they just had dinner after a walk outside (they'd been hugging for half an hour! Half an hour! Normal friends wouldn't do that, even under such circumstances, right…?) and Light had realized how much he'd missed Watari's cooking talents; Watari usually made dinner himself. L's sweets were mostly bought, but that was logical regarding the amount of food he ate. It would be impossible to keep up that pace… L had eaten apple cake just now, and Light was glad to see that. He'd worried a little about L's appetite, and he still hadn't really looked content by shoving the apple cake into his mouth, but he ate something and wasn't sick, so Light was happy. He'd keep an eye on L's health, like L was obviously caring for his too. It was beautiful that they felt like this, though Light knew it was (partly?) based on guilt on L's side.

L washed the oil off Light's calves and took body lotion, to massage it into Light's skin from his toes to his knees. Light disappeared into the sensations. L was amazing; that he could do this to Light with only his hands…They had something magic, every time they touched Light. L's hand on his forehead when he had a headache, his fingertips brushing against Light's face when he played with Light's hair, or the back of his hand touching Light's as they walked next to each other. Light's skin would tingle lightly, and the feeling of L's skin would linger on his. Light always felt like that when others touched him, the touches of others usually had some effect on him, but it was much stronger with L. It wasn't strange, regarding what Light felt for him, it was just great to feel his hands like this.

He then felt a hand crawl through his hair, and opened his eyes to see L's upper body bending over him, the hairless chest and armpits (L waxed it all, he hated body hair) and the lean waist with the outlines of L's belly muscles. Light's face heated instantly, and he knew L could see it, but he decided he didn't care. L brushed all the brown locks out of Light's face and carefully wetted it with the shower head, taking coconut shampoo and kneading Light's hair with it.

"Could you sit up, Light-kun?"

L's body disappeared, but his fingertips stayed, relaxing Light's scalp and making Light realize how much he loved it when others touched his hair. Not girls messing up his hair, though, because they just wanted to see his reaction, and feel his hair (he knew it looked soft and touchable, he wasn't completely dense), but he didn't care why L would touch his hair. He was so relaxing… Light smiled in contentment. The smell of the familiar coconut shampoo made him feel home again, as if a piece of the hospital in his memories washed away. He was finally gone; he was back there where he could feel calm.

The shampoo washed away again, and L also massaged conditioner in his hair, making both grin. No one could've lived this close to Light without noticing his habit to use conditioner, and L loved to tease Light with it, but L had the permission to do so. There had once been a girl who broke into Light's bathroom (a story for another time, really) and found out about all the cosmetics Light used. She'd teased him with it, but she wasn't a close friend of Light's, she didn't deserve to be teased back (that was what she'd wanted, obviously) and Light definitely hadn't trusted her (and his distrust had been right because the whole school knew about it after a day. Luckily Light 'won' because all the guys used conditioner after a week). He knew he could trust L with anything he said, if it hadn't too much to do with the Kira-case. Only L and Sayu were allowed to tease Light with his hair. It wasn't like they disliked the smell and softness of Light's hair, and Light was happy that they didn't directly tell him it was way too feminine. They knew, and that was enough.



"How do you feel?"

Light sighed. "Relaxed, home and happy that you aren't scared of the fact that I use expensive coconut conditioner."

L laughed softly, very L-like. Some people laughed hard and hysterically (for some reason Light couldn't explain did Kira pop up in his head. How would he laugh…? Like a maniac, most likely), but L's laugh was like his voice; deep, calm and a bit monotone. Light couldn't describe how much the sound relaxed him. L never faked laughing and it made him feel good that L could laugh right now. He really didn't deserve feeling bad, whatever he'd done.

"Naturally, I bought it for you. If I were scared of conditioner, your hair wouldn't have been this soft, and that would be regrettable. Do girls always try to touch it…?"

Light sighed dramatically. "Girls, guys, family, strangers, hell. The worst are birthday parties. Imagine the sisters of my mother -you know her, right?- all trying to touch your hair and face all the time, and last year one even tried to peek under my shirt to see if I used conditioner for chest hair or something. I don't hate it enough to stop using that conditioner though, it's for me and touches don't feel bad, but it becomes annoying at a certain point. I'm more than soft hair, heh."

L's laugh again. It was one of the most genuine sounds in the world.

"Do you mind if I touch it?"


"Very well, because even if you did, I'd still do so."

There was a hint of sexual tension in the silence that followed, but Light didn't know whose side it radiated off. His, certainly, but what did L feel…? He decided it didn't matter for now as long as L liked to touch him. He hung his head above the shower drain, propping up his elbows, and closed his eyes when L washed all the conditioner away. This was pure luxury; he loved the feeling of other's hands in his hair. There was more than one reason why he liked going to the hairdresser.

L washed his face carefully with face gel, and Light smiled when he realized how feminine they were. L knew pretty much about body health, more than most women, most likely… Light just had his feminine sides, he'd never denied that to himself. It was a big difference if he denied it to himself or to others, something L understood. It made it easier to admit things like that to L, he understood. There were enough smart people in the world, but not all of them were as understanding as L.

A turban was made around Light's head and L gently pushed Light on his stomach, to massage his back slowly, starting with the muscles of his lower back and slowly working his hands up, adding massage oil once in a while wherever he felt tension. Light noticed all the bad experiences from the hospital disappeared, faded away. He could just fall asleep right here, right now, with the floor heaters and L's hands. Maybe L would fall asleep with his head resting on Light's back. Using others as pillows was pretty comfortable, actually…

L kneaded his shoulders and slid his hands down Light's spine, tickled his sides softly, making Light twitch, and took the shower head again to remove all the massage oil. Light was turned to his back again and L washed his arms, armpits and asked Light if he wanted him to take care of the rest too. Light wondered how L would react on an iron pipe forming under the blanket that L had put back repeatedly (it tended to fall off, it wasn't exactly big), and soon got an answer when L accidentally brushed his nipple and Light arched into it with a sigh, and indeed felt blood rush to his most opinionated and problematic, but most important organ. Light didn't dare to open his eyes, but knew his face was a bright red. He was relieved when L just continued rubbing his torso, because maybe he hadn't noticed it…?

"Relax, Light-kun, it's a normal reaction when someone touches your body. Just relax."

Light decided to believe him (L had seen things more shocking than a naked male roommate getting hard, he was sure) and kept his eyes closed, enjoying L's hands and their ministrations. This was arousing, too much to hide, but Light decided L would be an epic idiot if he hadn't noticed Light's feelings yet. Why hadn't he done anything about it…? Something told Light that bad things happened he couldn't remember, but he pushed these thoughts away forcefully. He felt clean now, he was relaxed and L was there for him, touching him and unintentionally getting closer and closer to his hard-on. He washed the foam away he'd formed with shower gel (had he taken that too…?) and started with Light's thighs, even closer to his lightly throbbing erection that started pulsing harder when L touched the insides of his thighs.

"You can do your private parts yourself, Light-kun. I won't look."

Light blinked, L handed him the shower head and turned away. Light watched the shape of his back as he crouched on the floor, facing the door. He quickly washed his genitals and momentarily wondered if he could kill his arousal now, quickly, but decided it would be too obvious if he first was hard but not after a minute where he was supposed to wash it. He also didn't want to ruin the moment with a hand job. It wasn't worth it.


He was still hard, but decided it didn't matter and let L finish his thighs with the shower gel. At least he was relaxed inside, though his blood was heated now, and he wanted to feel L's hands touching different parts of him than only his thighs and nipple. L dried him, helped him up and took a quick shower himself when Light fixed his hair (believe it or not but he also used mousse), and Light wasn't hard to keep busy for a little while if he had a mirror. Light was still Light and he didn't feel like hiding his narcissistic whims for L, it was no use and L understood it. Light loved him so much, he'd never meet a warmer person than L.

He tried to make his erection disappear by thinking about old ramen noodles, but he saw L behind him in the mirror and that definitely didn't help much. He stared at L's back, the broad shoulders and slim waist, slightly curved butt and muscular legs. L was thin, but he definitely had the right frame for that. Light could stare at him forever, but he'd rather touch him…

L quickly washed his hair and body (Light blushed when he saw L was washing his crotch) and dried himself nonchalantly, leaving drops of water on his back and neck, trailing down his white skin. He turned around and Light quickly looked at his blushing mirror image, and toyed some with his hair to once again hide he'd been staring at his sexy bedmate (they shared a bed. Officially they were bedmates). He smiled at L's reflection when he saw him walking closer, and blushed even harder when L wrapped his arms around him from behind, his damp body against Light's with only the towels around their hips separating important parts. He looked at L's face, to see L's reflection watching him, an emotion Light couldn't place in his eyes. He laid his hands on L's, who were resting on Light's belly, and stroked them. He was lightly tense because of the sudden close proximity (he and L were both practically naked, he'd never felt his body this close to his, so much skin and warmth), but enjoyed every sensation, from the drop of water from L's hair that trailed down his neck, to the beating of L's heart against his back. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to stay there, close to L and staring into these endless depths that were his eyes, in the warm and damp bathroom, clean and freed from the hospital he didn't want to think about either. Hmmm…

It was too bad that L sighed and released his grip around Light's waist, taking the toothbrushes and handing Light his. They brushed their teeth in silence, not looking at each other, but Light noticing both their faces were a little red. L…It was so obvious, actually…

He finished the standard two minutes of evening tooth-brushing and put his toothbrush and towels away, went to the bedroom and waited until L followed him. He put on boxers and laid down in their bed, watching L doing the same and turning off the lights. He crept into the bed, next to his should-be-lover, way closer than necessary; Light almost felt his warmth. He couldn't really see L, but it had been too long since he'd slept in a completely dark room, and loved it. He wished he could've seen L, though…Would he be staring at what he knew was Light, right now…? Then, they were practically staring at each other. Light smiled a little, though L couldn't see it.


He didn't really know what he wanted to say. He just wanted an excuse to get closer to L, maybe L would just hold him if he said he wanted him to…?

"What is it, Light-kun?"

It felt so much like home. The complete darkness, the familiar sheets and the sound of L's voice, plus the simple knowledge that L was close to him. It made Light want to cry in happiness, but he decided the tears would most likely come later when he regained the stupid memories that seemed so unimportant right now.

"I hope we can always sleep next to each other."

It was perfectly true, so Light didn't see why he couldn't say it. He hoped he could always feel this safe and comfortable.

"I feel the same, Light-kun."

It was silent for a while, when Light felt the mattress and sheets move, and breathed in when L embraced him under those same sheets. Oh, this was arousing and comfortable…L's hands on his back, caressing his skin softly, the smell of his natural perfume and the shampoo he just used. His damp hair and the invisible butsoft hairs there where a vertebra pointed out under his skin. Light closed his eyes and rolled on his back, dragging L on top of him. L soothed Light's shoulders and sighed softly, barely audible, but Light felt his chest move a little. L was so warm, so soft and he smelled so good…He held Light so gently and tight at the same time…Light felt so safe right now, and so loved. No matter what happened, L still liked him. He maybe liked Light too the way Light liked him…

No, not 'maybe'. There was no straight guy in the world who'd hug another guy this intimate, half-naked and actually in bed. L was pretty weird and unusual, but even he wouldn't do things like that, right…? Why would he do it? Curiosity, affection, interest, real love and desire, or guilt…? Would he only act this affectionate to comfort Light…? The questions were fading away slowly as Light became more and more aware of his own body. It was hot everywhere, still relaxed grace to L's hands, but more energetic than anywhere since…it. His blood rushed through his veins, his heart pounded like a madman and his breath had fastened a little. His lower body was tense and unconsciously arched into L, and Light knew he was half-hard. L didn't pull back, Light even thought he felt something hard against his thigh.

Really, why didn't L do anything…? Why weren't they together yet? What had happened, what had made that they couldn't admit love to each other…? Light stroked L's waist, enjoying his soft skin and hard muscles, wondering why he could do that but still couldn't call L his lover. L had a thing for Light too, he at least liked to touch his body. Was all this only to make Light feel better, and did L do all this because he happened to feel attracted to Light (that couldn't be denied, L had literarily called Light's body 'great', and the hardness against Light's thigh said the rest)...? Light wished he knew, and wondered if he could ask, but he was sure L would say he had to regain his memories. Stupid memories…

He thought he knew what happened. L rejected him because he thought he was Kira (the days before 'it' he and L had been so close that he'd decided to tell L soon, so…), Light ran away, things happened and that was why L felt so terribly guilty. But L at least really liked him too, it was so obvious Light wouldn't be surprised if he then told L he loved him. If nothing would've happened, he would've been kissing and licking L's tongue right now. Oh, no, wait…L thought he was Kira, apparently, so they couldn't be together…?

But…Light wasn't Kira…



"Why aren't we together…?"

He almost felt L blink and frown at the sudden question. He had to admit it was a blunt question, but he had to know. He wanted to be together with L, to kiss him and much more, he wanted to tell L he loved him. He wanted to know his love was returned, for sure.

He actually felt how L tilted his head to the side and lifted himself to his elbows, arms on either side of Light's chest, his hands still holding Light's shoulder blades. His lower body pressed against Light's, creating friction and pressure that made Light want to grind his hips into L's, now. He shifted a little, creating friction and with that a hotness he'd never felt before, as if his blood suddenly became twice as hot, first in his lower regions, and it spread itself through his whole body, to his fingers who stretched and tensed, and his toes who curled into the sheets beneath them. He was so terribly hot right now…He was sure L noticed.

"That's hard to explain."

L's voice was deeper than usual and a little hoarse, and it sent shudders all over Light's body. He however managed to frown, though L couldn't see it.

"Try to. What does it matter if you tell me now? I think you rejected me because you thought I was Kira, I ran away or something, bad things happened and now you feel guilty. Please stop believing it was your fault, when you reject someone you don't expect or want things like that to happen."

Light felt the touch of a finger slide over his jaw line, from his ear to his chin, and his heart beated erratically when he felt a pair of lips press a kiss on his cheek.

"You are so damn smart, Light-kun, I can't believe it."

Light thought he'd get a heart attack from all the sensations, thoughts and feelings his brain and heart were overflowed with. L's body and scent, his hardness, Light's own blood, the heavy tingles where L's lips had just been, and the possibilities of what happened…This was so much, but Light felt like he could handle so many more impressions, more sensations and truths, as long as L would love him and like his body. He wanted L, so badly. He wanted his hands, everywhere, he wanted his body, lips and tongue, as soon as possible…

"Ryuzaki, I'm not Kira and you know it…"

L sighed softly and pressed another kiss on Light's cheek.

"I know, and I feel bad about the way it all turned out, you know."

Light soothed the back of L's head and kissed the velvety cheek he could easily find with his lips. He moved to L's ear and kissed his earlobe.

"I think I know how it is to feel bad, Ryuzaki…"

Light felt L shudder when he breathed the words in his ear, and arched into him, creating that magical friction again. Light closed his eyes. Oh my, this felt good.

"It's just…I want to know what you really feel for me…"

There were L's lips again, on his cheek, slowly making their way to Light's lips by kissing lower and lower, making Light relax his face completely in such a strange manner it made his heart beat even faster. L's lips left tingles everywhere, until they finally found Light's and kissed him carefully, his lips so delicious that Light immediately parted his lips to taste more L. Their lips were full and moist against the other's and L tasted so amazing that Light was instantly addicted and licked L's lips, but L pulled back hesitantly before he pecked Light on his mouth and started kissing him with only his lips, very careful and soft. Hm, he'd expect L to be a more aggressive kisser… Not that he didn't like this, it was more that he'd expect L to plunge his tongue down Light's throat and practically attack the insides of his mouth, in the way that could make one moan in pleasure. L sure was a good kisser, Light had never kissed anyone like this, so loving and deliciously tasting, but he felt like this wasn't L's natural way to kiss. He broke the kiss (his first kiss with L…Wow, his heart jumped up when he realized it), regretted that immediately because he longed for more, but he had to say it.

"You're allowed to kiss harder, Ryuzaki, I'm not made out of porcelain or something…"

L kissed him deeply for a few seconds before he pulled back an inch, his toothpaste breath warming and cooling Light's lips at the same time as he talked.

"You feel so vulnerable, that's all…"

Because of what happened, Light knew. Sigh…

"If you feel so guilty, why can't you make me forget and kiss how you'd naturally do, Ryuzaki?"

L was silent for a few seconds, before he pressed his lips on Light's and kissed him with so much fire that Light's head swooned. It was now L who parted his lips and licked Light's, their tongues met and both started breathing faster. L's tongue was so hot, skilled and wet, his skin smelled so good and he kissed Light so longingly it made Light melt completely. He felt his legs going completely limp, while his hips moved into L's, his arms forced L's head closer and his whole chest was on fire. Oh, God, L was such an amazing kisser!

Light grabbed a handful of L's hair and pulled at it, his other hand clawing at L's back and his hips moving against L's that made him feel like he was constantly struck by lightning in his crotch. The kiss broke when both really had to pant for air, and Light licked the saliva on his lips. It tasted good. Not really sweet, L had brushed his teeth and it was weird for people themselves to taste like sugar, but just…good. These kisses were the first one Light ever really enjoyed, not a kiss as a failing experiment, for his ego or because it came in handy. This was real. Fucking real.

L panted too and his hardness pressed into Light's thigh, and his hands were clawed into his shoulder blades lightly. But suddenly he shifted away from Light, startling the brunet.

"What are you doing?"

Suddenly the room appeared, the black curtains and the bloody red sheets they slept under, and a half-naked L with a big tent in his boxers. His cheeks were red and a little sweaty, and his hand just clicked the light on.

"I wanted to see you."

He lay back on top of Light and stared at his face. Light stared back, amazed by how close L was and how sexy he looked. His eyes were half-lidded and a blush defined his cheeks and the bridge of his nose as if he were a little child. He watched how L moved closer again and closed his eyes when he kissed Light. It was beautiful.

The kissing sessions continued and continued, and Light couldn't get enough of it, but at a certain moment (it was 3:48AM, according to the clock on the nightstand), Light was so dazed that he knew he'd however fall asleep, and the intensity of the kisses faded until only butterfly kisses on his cheeks remained. Light fell asleep with the sensation of tired but tingling lips, thanks to L's.

He was fast asleep when L rolled off him and turned his love to his side, his face to L, and laid down too to stare at Light for a while longer. There was no regret in his eyes about what just happened. It was regret about what he'd done longer ago.

After he turned off the light, he crept closer and embraced Light softly, when a terribly bad feeling about the next day penetrated his soul. Tomorrow…No, today, it was 4:05AM, something terrible was going to happen.

And L Lawliet knew what it was going to be.