A/N: Much has been written about 'the choice' on Virmire and the consequences. I even had a crack at it a while back. And it's mostly very serious stuff indeed. I decided, purely on a whim to parody the bejesus out of it. For my own warped amusement, you understand.
Random Acts of Virmire
"Commander," the voice rang in Shepard's ears, "You have to make a decision!"
The Commander, first human Spectre, ass-kicking biotic and blah de blah blah blew out an exasperated breath, amid much eye rolling. For months, it had been like this:
Shepard, go here!
Shepard, do this!
Shepard, go find that missing data module before it's eaten by a weird-ass space monkey and crapped out the other side!
Shepard, sign my autograph, oh won't you please sign my autograph! The only reason Conrad whathisname hadn't wound up with a hole in his head the size of West Texas was because Liara, whom the Commander was quite sweet on, would have been utterly horrified by it. And then Shepard could have kissed goodbye what was probably his only chance at 'relations' with a blue-skinned alien hottie who wasn't a woman but did a damn good impersonation of one.
And now this: The salarian captain, having had most of his own soldiers shot, blown up or turned into mindless indoctrinated-zombies-but-don't-call-them-zombies because of copyright issues had kindly requested that he borrow one of Shepard's soldiers.
For some reason nobody could get a handle on, not one person had suggested the salarian take Wrex. A centuries-old krogan for godsake. An accomplished battlemaster who wielded more destructive energy in his big toe than could be amassed by an entire shipload of salarians.
Instead, Alenko and Williams both volunteered for the job. Shepard had known it was a bad idea, splitting the squad at such a critical time. If this were a horror movie, the viewers would no doubt be screaming "Don't go off by yourself, you'll be killed!"
Despite knowing this, Shepard couldn't seem able to point this out to the salarian. It had been like the Commander was not quite in control of his own mouth, actions and thoughts. Bizarre.
So, they stood there, Shepard, the salarian captain, Alenko and Williams. The latter two were practically jumping up and down, spraying seawater and sand in all directions. Liara wandered past and was heard to mutter, "I keep getting sand stuck in my-"
"Take me, take me!" Alenko pleaded.
Williams shoved him aside, "NO! Take me, instead! I have long harboured a thinly veiled deathwish and going out in a blaze of glory will surely show the galaxy that us Williamses aren't traitorous little bitches!"
Ignoring them entirely, which Shepard had done since they'd gotten off the Citadel when he was able to leave them both on the ship in favour of Liara and Wrex because Liara was cute and Wrex was just too badass for words, Shepard turned to the salarian. "Who would be better suited to the job?"
The captain blinked his huge eyes. You'd think, thought Shepard, that with eyes that big, the salarian should have seen this trouble coming and bloody well avoided it.
"To be perfectly honest, either one will do. It isn't like your choice will have any meaningful impact as far as the plot...I mean mission goes."
Shepard, unable to make a decision, instead played the centuries old game of Eenie Meenie Miney Moe.
"Williams," he said, "You're with the captain." He winced as Williams whooped and hollered.
"Yeah! Whoooeee! Blaze of glory, blaze of glory!"
Shepard turned to Alenko, "Alenko," he began. The Lieutenant gave him those big puppy-dog eyes that creeped the Commander out on so many levels "Get back on the ship and play with that flickery control panel. You know you want to."
Eagerly, Kaidan ran back to the ship.
When the bomb had been carried off the ship in all its radioactive glory and Kaidan had elected to stay behind to ooh and ahhh over the shiny red button, Shepard had known they were all royally screwed.
Let's see, he thought to himself, Williams is stuck somewhere with the salarians and now Alenko is busy using the reflective metal of the bomb to style his hair, leaving me with only four possible squad members to take with me. Seriously, what idiot of a writer came up with this?
In the end, knowing forward was the only direction, Shepard called up Wrex and Liara and the three proceeded to clean house, alternately freeing captured salarians and shooting them in the head.
"They're only gonna die when the nuke goes off, so why not cap 'em?" Wrex rumbled.
Eventually, after a long-winded conversation with Sovereign, who shock-horror! had turned out to be an actual Reaper, Shepard found himself in the unenviable position of having to choose which of his beloved (not really, he barely knew them, having not said a word to them since Eden Prime) squad mates would live.
"Commander," the voice ran in Shepard's ears, "You have to make a decision!"
And now, employing the time-honoured cliche of looping back to the start of the story, here we are again. Cue dramatic 'thinking music'
Well, thought Shepard, giving the situation a serious mulling over, If I choose to save Williams, at least I can use her as a rebound option if things with Liara fall apart. Which they probably will. Hell the age difference alone should have killed things stone dead by now. Now that I think of it, a 107 year old woman going gaga over a guy who's only 29 seems pretty damn warped. That asari is sick! Sick I tells you! I'm through with her!
Shepard turned to Liara and said, "You're dumped."
"What?" Liara gasped in horror. "But..."
"Seriously, if I went after a girl 70 years younger than I am, I'd be banged up in jail for life, most likely. We're through."
"Damn, Shepard," Wrex said in admiration, "That's pretty damn harsh."
"Yeah, sometimes I impress myself. High five!" and the human and krogan slapped each other's palms. Liara meanwhile, had run off crying.
"Now, where was I?"
"You were in the middle of deciding which of your squadmates who you never bothered to form a relationship with in the first place gets to die. Damn it, I want to play God, for once!" Wrex grumbled.
Shepard decided the only fair and equitable way of determining the outcome would be to play Rock Paper Scissors. Unfortunately, by the time Shepard had explained the rules of the game to Wrex, the bomb, which nobody had thought to set off remotely because that would have made too much sense, went off.
And Saren giggled like a schoolgirl all the way to the Citadel.
Some inspiration comes from Knightfall's hilarious take on Virmire, mainly the bomb going off while people stood around talking.