A/N: So we were trollin' on FFNet, flamin' badfic, attempting to be janitors in the school of Pot Fandom, trying to clean up the halls. Because, you know, just about any fic called "The Princess of Tennis" is basically going to be the worst thing ever, right? Well, that's when this was born. FYI, we are not being serious. We hate OCs and Mary-Sues, as you can probably tell from the end of the fic.

Disclaimer: We don't own anything, not even Rachel Echizen, because Rachel Echizen has been dreamed up approximately thirty-four times by other "authors" on FFNet.

Rachel Echizen: The Princess of Tennis

Ryoma stared at the blonde girl talking to Fuji-sempai. She had been standing there with him since practice started. Tezuka hadn't said anything to her, which was disconcerting, and Fuji looked uncomfortable, a feat in and of itself.

"WHY WON'T YOU GO OUT WITH ME?!"

The courts went silent as everyone turned to stare at the girl.

"I don't like girls," Fuji explained hesitantly, shrinking away from her.

"But--but--every man I've ever wanted has fallen victim to my feminine wiles!" The girl latched herself onto Fuji's arm, looking up at him with what she apparently thought was a seductive look.

"But I don't like girls," Fuji repeated, trying to tug his arm free.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER! Ryoma, make him love me!"

Ryoma blinked. "Why do you know my name?"

"I'm your twin sister, silly, of course I know your name!"

"I don't have a sister, let alone a twin."

"You don't look anything alike, nya!" Eiji cut in. "You don't even look Japanese."

"Well I am," the girl said, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly. "My name's Rachel Echizen."

"What's going on here?" Ryuzaki-sensei asked, walking onto the court with Tezuka. "Why aren't you all practicing?"

"Obaa-chan! It's me, Rachel!"

Ryuzaki-sensei stared blankly at her.

"Remember? I'm wonderful at tennis! I'm much too good to play on the girls' team, so you should let me join the boys' team!"

Tezuka twitched.

"And Syuu-chan's being mean to me... He won't love me!"

"I told you, I like boys!"

"I can turn even the gayest of men straight!" She had a hold on Fuji's wrist now.

Tezuka twitched.

"Kindly take your hands off him," he said through gritted teeth.

"Oh! Are you jealous, Kuni-chan? It's okay, there's enough of me to go around! We can have a threesome! Or a ten-some! I'll have all your babies!"

The rest of the team looked like they'd just been force-fed Aozu.

"We can't have a ten-some," Momo pointed out. "Only a nine-some. Ryoma's your brother, right?"

"I AM NOT!"

"That's okay," Rachel said, ignoring Ryoma's outburst. "Twincest is in right now, right?"

"Only if it's two guys," Momo replied.

Ryoma just stared at the power player blankly. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What, don't you watch Ouran?"

"I love that show!" Eiji exclaimed.

"Yeah! It'll be just like Ouran--we'll have a reverse harem and everything!"

"Er--well, there's a problem with that--" Oishi said. "Fuji isn't the only gay one. We all are."

"That's not a problem either! I'll just seduce you all! The love of a good woman will snap you out of that gay stuff!"

"There's a seventy-eight percent chance she escaped from a mental institution," Inui said.

"Hey, Haru-chan, take off your glasses!" She abandoned Fuji and ran to Inui, only to be blocked by Kaidoh, whom she glomped anyway. "It's okay, you're just misunderstood, but we'll fix that as soon as we're all together!"

"All right," Fuji murmured. "That's it. I'm the only one who's allowed to torment Seigaku, besides Inui on occasion." He took Rachel by the hair and dragged her off the courts, calling to his teammates, "I'll be back in a few days. Don't look for me."

And Rachel Echizen--or whatever her name was--was never seen again.

The End!

A/N: If you hate the Princess of Tennis as much as we do, review. And join us in our crusade to get all the shitfic the hell out of our fandom. Thank you, and goodnight. *insert fireworks here coming off our stage*