Our bed didn't feel like our bed at this moment.
I tossed and turned, my body uncomfortable and stiff from our car ride. Our very emotional car ride.
I was wrong, every fiber in my body knew that, yet I kept being stubborn. I'm pushing away the one person that knows me best. I'm punishing him and myself, what is my problem?
What is my problem?
The nightmares…what's really causing them?
I'm going to be a new mom and this is an experience that can manifest a lot of emotions. Emotions can be expressed in different ways. Stress of the mind, the body, and these things are normal.
But these dreams are anything but normal.
The constant fear for my baby…the thought of losing him or her, in any way…
I can't bring myself to even think about it.
These dreams are so vivid, so violent, so red…
Is this a premonition? Am I going to lose my baby? Am I going to lose myself too?
I'm going to be a new mom. Maybe this is stress. This has to be stress.
I turn over on my right side, reaching out to the empty side of the bed. Edward should be here with me. He worries for me, for our baby, and with the reoccurrence of my nightmares, he has all rights to be worried.
And I push him away. I try my best to curl into the fetal position but my pregnant stomach gets in the way. The baby kicks towards my bellybutton; they must hate this position I'm in right now. I smile faintly at that, imagining the scowling face of our child in my womb. With eyes as warm as their father's, all liquid honey, so sweet. And chocolate brown hair, wild and thick like mine's.
They will have Edward's charisma and smile. Hopefully, they will have none of my shyness, clumsiness, or stubbornness.
But most important of all, they will be loved. Loved like a baby should be loved by their parents, and they will laugh, play, and grow with us.
I felt tears slid down my cheek, dampening my pillowcase. I want our child to be and feel loved, no matter what. I can handle these dreams as long as my baby is born healthy. And long as Edward is here, I can do anything. I slowly sit up, twisting my body so I can put my feet on the floor.
I have to apologize to Edward. Make things right between us. As much as I don't want to lose our baby…I don't want to lose Edward either.
Walking to the living room, I see the familiar silhouette of my love's sleeping body on our sofa. There really isn't much room for me to lay, especially with my very swollen tummy. But I bend down as much as I can, kiss Edward's forehead as gently as I could, and whisper "I love you" so softly, I couldn't even hear it.
Bending back up, golden eyes catch my attention, illuminated by the moonlight peering into our living room.
The sound of his voice, so tired, yet so filled with emotion. I can feel my eyes water. Sitting as much as I could on the sofa, I lean over Edward's body to hold him. My fists grabbing tightly at his shirt, I sob onto his chest.
I can't find the words to apologize, my cries are all that I can manage. Warm hands caress my lower back, the faint touch of kisses on my forehead calm me down, and slowly the tears stop.
"I just want you to be happy. These dreams scare me, Bella. Watching you have these nightmares every night is one of the most frightening things I've ever seen. I love you too much to let you continue to suffer alone in this. I don't know what you're dreaming, you hardly tell me.
I console you but it isn't enough. I don't feel like I'm enough for you to get through these nightmares. I feel like I'm failing you, I…" Edward's voice cracks, I look up to read the emotions on his face and feel the urge to cry come back so powerfully.
"I am happy. With you, with our baby inside of me. I'm going to be fine, because that is the only option I have for myself. I'm not going to lose you, or our baby, I'm going to continue being happy. Dreams are dreams, and they will pass. I just have first time mommy jitters.
All I know is that I'm grateful. I have you, my rock. You're my backbone, without you, I don't have anything. You are my first and last love. This baby is proof of our love, and we will continue to love each other. I'm sorry for what I said earlier in the car. I'm stubborn and I was out of line.
Can you forgive me?" I bite my lip to keep my tears in check, and Edward leans his head down to give me a soft kiss.
"I forgive you. I love you. Don't cry anymore, ok?" Giving me a warm smile, he wraps his arms around me to stand me up.
"You need your rest, I could feel him kicking the entire time you were laying on me."
I smile cheekily at him, "Him? That could be a little girl kicking in there."
"She'll be one, strong girl then. She won't even need me to beat anyone's ass. But that doesn't mean I won't try still." Placing a kiss to my neck, Edward and I get into our bed, my body relaxing so easy, I almost fall asleep on the spot.
"She gets it from her mother." Smiling tiredly, sleeps taking over like a warm blanket enveloping me.
"Her mother is amazing…that's the love of my life." Holding me close, we fall asleep together. With Edward spooning me, his hand on my stomach, the baby drifted off to sleep with us.
That night, I didn't have a nightmare.
I dreamt of smiles, I dreamt of infant hands stroking my face, and I dreamt of feeling warm and content. Just like I felt before I fell asleep.
It's been a long time since I've updated on this story, I doubt anyone still reads this. But today I felt like writing a chapter for it. I'm not really sure if I'll continue to write more chapters, I guess it depends if anyone is willing to read them. Anyway, thanks to all who still like this story.
I appreciate the time you take to read this story. It means alot.