Disclaimer: Star Trek and its dream team of Kirk and Spock belong to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount. The nutrek versions belong to JJ Abrams.
A/N: So I was working on Mission To Gamus today and I really just needed a break between all the dark stuff. Therefore to balance it out, I wrote this K/S humor crackfic. Don't try to look for a plot because there isn't one. Yay for PWPs! Warning: Rampant Sarcasm.
Admiral Barnett, head of Starfleet, took a good look around the vast conference room. He was surrounded by his closest colleagues and advisors. They had never dealt with a situation this severe before. Yep, he was in a bit of a pickle. Thanks to the meddlesome Romulan Nero, half of the fleet was destroyed. Not to mention all of Vulcan… The admiral hadn't really been super fond of Vulcans but it wasn't like he wanted their home to be destroyed. Because that would be mean. In fact that Spock fellow wasn't so bad once you got to know him. Barnett wished he could've prevented the disaster, but it had been out of his hands. It was a miracle that Starfleet still existed at all…
A few hours ago, Barnett had breathed a sigh of relief when reports came in stating that the starship Enterprise and her new acting captain had destroyed Nero and the Romulan ship once and for all. Naturally, a medal of honor was in order for said captain. It would also be prudent to allow him to continue as captain of the Enterprise as a reward for saving the planet, not to mention the Federation. The only problem was, James Tiberius Kirk was still actively suspended for cheating on the Kobayashi Maru test. What was he going to do? Barnett really hated hard decisions.
Now some of Barnett's colleagues begged him to drop Kirk's suspension. They argued that Starfleet needed someone to act as the hero after all of this mess they'd just faced. They were concerned that people would stop applying to Starfleet thanks to the deaths of all those cadets. But if the media built on Kirk's leadership skills and his exciting story of becoming the captain of the fleet's flagship after only three years at the Academy, then perhaps the number of applicants to Starfleet would still remain high. However, it was hard for Barnett to overlook exactly how Kirk saved Earth – the kid got lucky. And if the first reports were accurate, he had goaded acting captain Spock into becoming emotionally compromised so that he could take over the ship and go after Nero. Barnett wasn't that fond of mutineers, but he sure was glad that Kirk was that reckless or else Earth may not exist at this very moment.
Perhaps Kirk was suited as captain of the Enterprise. He certainly had Christopher Pike's support, which was hard to come by. He was liked by most of his peers. His test scores were off the charts. The only thing he truly lacked was experience…that is, field experience… which could be corrected in time. Barnett was about to clear Kirk for duty and set his promotion in motion when he remembered that he'd better check with the one who put him on academic suspension in the first place - Commander Spock.
So Barnett contacted the Enterprise and asked to speak with Spock. Lieutenant Uhura answered and informed him that she would patch the com to the captain's quarters. Barnett found this to be a bit odd. Pike originally had the captain's quarters but he had been injured in the Romulan attack. He was more than likely recovering in sickbay, and not his quarters. So Spock visiting Pike was out. Barnett didn't think the Vulcan would've had time to transfer his things to the captain's quarters during the short duration that he assumed that position. Then he realized that thanks to the recent Vulcan disaster, Spock probably wanted some peace and quiet in a place where people wouldn't come to look for him. Finally someone answered the com.
"Commander Spock?" Barnett waited to hear a response. Instead he heard only music. From the instruments and vocal style he deduced it was recorded in the late 20th century.
"I feel so emotional baby… every time I think of youuuu." Everyone in the conference room glanced at each other in confusion as they heard the song's abrupt end and the harried voice of Commander Spock.
"You called, Admiral? I apologize for the delay." Barnett frowned, wondering why Spock had only responded via audio and not video. How he wished he could see the Vulcan's expression at this very moment!
"Were you listening to Whitney Houston's 'So Emotional', Commander Spock?"
"I'm afraid my database was malfunctioning," Spock explained, his voice perfectly controlled as usual. "I have since corrected the problem."
"Sir, how do you know what that song was called?" One of the other admirals asked Barnett, while the rest of them sniggered behind their hands.
"I uh…" Barnett stammered. "Nevermind!" He glared at them and they quickly shut up. "Commander Spock, I have to speak to you about James Kirk. Is this a bad time?"
Starship U.S.S. Enterprise
Now, unbeknownst to Barnett and his gaggle of admirals, Spock was not alone in the captain's quarters. James Kirk was right there with him, and had 'accidentally' set off the Whitney Houston song, much to Spock's chagrin. But the Vulcan couldn't be too mad at Kirk, or rather… Jim. In the short amount of time between saving the Earth from Nero and receiving the admiral's com, they had mind melded so that Spock could see the memories that the other Spock had shown Kirk. After they came out of the meld, panting breathlessly, they both confessed their attraction to each other, culminating as a result of their interactions over the past three years. Kirk then boldly declared his undying love for Spock and suggested that they form a Vulcan life bond. Spock was very pleased with this proposition and had agreed wholeheartedly, because this wasn't sudden at all.
However, it was extremely unfortunate that the admiral chose that time to interrupt because Jim was scheming, thinking of ways to get Spock to completely lose control. The Vulcan had to be very tightly wound after the events of the past few days, and Jim wanted to give him some relief.
"No, Admiral. This is not a 'bad' time," Spock answered as Jim ran his arms up and down the Vulcan's shoulders. Spock didn't even acknowledge Jim's actions although he enjoyed any touch his newfound t'hy'la gave him. "Please proceed."
"I wished to speak to you about the status of Cadet…well, I suppose he's still acting captain of the Enterprise – James Kirk." Spock's eyebrows flew up at this, and Jim gave him a wide smirk.
"What is the nature of your query concerning Kirk?" Spock asked, trying very hard not to elicit a response as Jim deftly removed the Vulcan's pants, then his boots and sucked on his toes. One. By. One.
"Well, the Starfleet board believes that Kirk would prove to make an excellent captain of the Enterprise." Kirk stopped sucking to grin up at Spock and then he resumed his ministrations.
"I agree that James Kirk has demonstrated great skill in commanding our flagship," Spock replied, closing his eyes in an attempt to keep himself under control. Jim's mouth had left his toes. Without warning, he nibbled on Spock's very sensitive ear. Spock gave a jolt at that, and turned around to bat Jim away.
"I am addressing the admiral of Starfleet," Spock hissed, away from the comm system. "I cannot condone this behavior of yours, Jim."
"But you sure enjoy it," was Kirk's smart ass remark. "Don't you, Spock?" His voice was dangerously low, just how Spock liked it. Wisely, Spock didn't take the bait. Instead he tried to focus all his attention on the admiral. This was rather difficult, as Jim had started to play with his nipples.
"Commander Spock, we cannot promote Kirk to captain status if he is still under academic suspension," Barnett informed the Vulcan. "What are your feelings on this?"
"My feelings?" Spock swallowed a groan as Jim lightly pinched his right nipple, and then soothed it with a swipe of his tongue. "Concerning Kirk?"
"Tell him you want to serve under me," Jim breathed in the Vulcan's ear. Spock inwardly shuddered. He furiously shook his head – Jim was not going to win this game.
"Admiral, I believe that under the circumstances, logically, Kirk's academic probation can be dropped." Spock suggested, struggling to keep his voice steady as Jim forced him up against a wall. "I need Ji- KIRK to continue as captain, as recent events prove I am not suitable for that…" Spock gulped as Jim writhed against him – "position."
"It's payback time for what you did to me on the bridge," Jim whispered as Spock flailed against him. Now Spock could easily throw Jim off, thanks to his superior Vulcan strength. But this was too much fun. It was like an experiment in a way, and everyone knew how much Spock loved science experiments. Spock was curious just how far Jim could push him until he gave away his…erm…position. But he was determined that this little experiment of theirs would not be discovered by the Starfleet bigwigs.
"Please, Jim… not in front of the Admiral!" Spock hissed back.
"Commander, is there someone else with you in the room?" Barnett and the other admirals were picking up some strange sounds coming from the com. It almost sounded like another voice, although they couldn't be certain.
"Admiral, I apologize for the distraction." Spock flinched as Jim blew into his ear. "It appears that my communication station is faulty, thus accounting for the distortion of my voice." Spock couldn't lie directly so he didn't quite answer the question. But he was getting good at exaggerating the truth, thanks to Jim's influence of like an hour.
"First the database, now this," muttered a random admiral. "If I didn't know that we were talking to a Vulcan, I'd swear that he was getting a-"
"Commander Spock," Barnett began, giving the random admiral a glare, "As much as I'd like to in this case, we can't simply drop Kirk's charges. We need you to give us a logical solution to this problem." Logic was like the last thing on Spock's mind at the moment. Who needed logic when they had a Jim? Kirk wasn't dubbed the God of Sex without good reason.
"A solution?" Spock was sweating by now, barely able to keep his breathing steady as Jim devoured his neck. "I…uh…need to meditate on this matter for a brief moment." Spock muted the com and turned to Jim.
"I cannot think of a way to allow you to keep the Enterprise if you continue to….ah… do that." Jim just grinned at Spock. The poor Vulcan was struggling so hard to keep his emotions intact. From Jim's point of view, it was rather amusing and very, very, hot. So far he had pushed Spock farther than he believed was possible without him giving a tell tale reaction.
"Get him back on… just follow my lead." Spock gave Jim a dubious look, especially when he saw that smirk.
"Very well," he relented, and punched in Barnett's frequency code.
"Affirmative." Spock at least remembered that much.
"Admiral, I have discovered a solution." Kirk whispered.
"Admiral, I have discovered a solution," Spock repeated, lost as Jim bucked against him. Spock's traitorous body wanted to respond, but he wouldn't allow it. If Jim won their little game, Spock knew he'd never hear the end of it.
"Great, let's hear it," said the admiral, who was getting rather impatient.
"Give Kirk a substantial commendation for demonstrating original thinking on the Kobayashi Maru test," Jim whispered. Spock glared at him.
"I do not believe that your efforts on the Kobayashi Maru merited-"
"Just say it," Kirk breathed, going back to the Vulcan's nipples again. Spock nodded wordlessly.
"Please give Kirk a small commendation for demonstrating original thinking on the Kobayashi Maru test."
"There's nothing small about it," Jim insisted, as his enthusiastic thrusts continued. But Spock wasn't ready to give in. He choked back a grunt.
"In fact, insert that as a sidenote in his personal file," the Vulcan suggested. "If I s-sign off on it, according to Starfleet r-regulation 5 billion point 13, Kirk's p-probation status should be dropped." Kirk was pretty sure his partner made that regulation up. But he was pretty impressed by Spock's quick thinking, especially since he was currently sucking on a very sensitive area. Spock looked like he was about to pass out from the pleasure! Oh yeah, Kirk was just that good.
"That should work," the admiral agreed, wondering why in the hell the articulate Vulcan was suddenly stuttering. "Commander Spock, are you sure you're alright?" There was a squeak that sounded suspiciously like 'Jim' followed by a loud thump.
"Commander?" Barnett was seriously worried now. What was going on up there? He didn't need another Vulcan's life to be endangered. He had enough blood on his hands as it was!
"Don't worry Admiral, sir. Spock will be fine – trust me." Barnett frowned. He knew that voice.
"Kirk!" He barked. "What are you doing in there? And what the hell is wrong with Spock?"
"Sir, he is experiencing some difficulties with his fingers," said James "Totally awesome" Kirk. "He asked me to take over the transmission. Is there something I can do for you?" Several of the admirals coughed into their hands upon hearing that. Barnett was oblivious, as usual.
"No, Kirk, nothing at all," said Barnett, shaking his head. "I would tell you that you've just been officially deemed Captain of the Enterprise, but I believe you already know that."
"Thank you, sir." Barnett could practically hear the boy's smugness in his voice. God help him if Kirk ever attained Admiral status…
"Barnett out." The admiral turned to his colleagues to find them whispering among themselves. "Anything you care to share with the class?" He picked on the doofus closest to him.
"Uh, sir, you never were one for xenobiology were you?" Barnett shook his head.
"There's something you should know about Vulcans and fingers…"
A/N: Feedback is awesome.
Also, I made a K/S fanvid set to Whitney Houston's "So Emotional". It's on youtube, and the link to my YT account is on my profile.