Written for 'The Sacred and Profane'. The disclaimer is that I don't own Final Fantasy, Pokemon, or any of its characters.


The blaring alarm clock rang deep into Reno's sleeping ears, waking him up in an instant with quite a shock. He never set his alarm clock.

In a tired rage, the Turk threw the small appliance against the wall of his apartment, silencing it immediately before falling back into bed.

"Reno, I set that alarm for a reason." A hand pulled back the warm covers that were shielding Reno from the icy morning chill. "Get up."

He grumbled incomprehensibly in reply and covered his head with his pillow, only for it too being taken from him. "Whaddya want from me!?"

The already prepared Tifa was standing beside him with hands on her hips in frustration. "It's 9 am, and we promised Yuffie and Elena that we'd meet them at the mall at 10."

Groaning, Reno rolled over, only to fall out of his bed and onto the cold, unforgiving floor. "Ow." He muttered simply.

The bartender sighed at him, but helped him stand despite feeling he deserved it.

"Nngh...Remind me again why I'm coming to your little shopping spree? 'Cause if you want me to stand there and throw you a Gil every time you need it, I wouldn't get your hopes up, babe."

Tifa smirked. She didn't understand how he could be such an idiot yet still manage to make her smile. Or maybe that was the reason.

"No, Reno...We're all chipping in and choosing a really big present for Marlene's 10th birthday."

Reno filed quickly through his wardrobe in search of something decent. "And you can't do it without me?"

She hoped he'd said that as a joke. Both him and Marlene meant a lot to her, and she wanted him to be an important figure in both of their lives. The soon-to-be ten year old really looked up to the redheaded Turk-surprisingly, and she wanted to make sure he didn't let the innocent girl down.

"Reno, she-" Tifa began, but was hushed by a comforting peck from her boyfriend.

"I know, babe. We'll get her something nice." He smiled reassuringly at her. "You know, I'm really good at those skill tester machines, and there's this awesome looking chocobo that-"

Tifa pushed him playfully into the wardrobe and slammed the door. "Hurry up and get ready, Princess. Breakfast is downstairs."


"Princess Yuffie Kisaragi of Wutai, at your service!" The young ninja had never carried so much materia before in her life. The colourful glowing balls were almost overflowing out of her arms, yet she seemed completely unphased by it.

Tifa was nervous, though. "Yuffie, why are you carrying so much materia? We're going shopping, not fighting Sephiroth."

Reno, who had finally dressed into a casual brown surf shirt and jeans, chucked at his confused girlfriend. "It's called smart shopping, Tif'. She's gonna scare off the shopkeepers if they don't give her free stuff."

"Ha." Elena flipped her quickly growing blonde hair back in amusement. "You wish, Reno. She's putting it to good use and trading it in for Gil."

That didn't sound like Yuffie, the materia stealing ninja. Speaking of which, she looked depressed all of a sudden.

"It's not like I want to...But Laney put up a convincing argument about how Marlene is more important than materia...It's a tough choice, but I'll do it, just this once." Her sad expression quickly morphed into a more cheerful one. "Besides, I've got chambers full of materia back at Wutai! There's cure materia, leviathan materia, fire materia, ice materia, time materia, morph materia, white materia..."

Her youthful voice trailed off as she noticed the irritated stares she was recieving, and she cleared her throat awkwardly. "Uhm...Shall we go then?"

Reno glared at her. "Yes we shall."

The four of them turned to face the same direction. Mog's 'N Things-an obvious choice. The toy store was Marlene's favourite, however taking the young girl to visit was never a smart idea. If you went in with a bank full of Gil and a soft heart, chances are you'd come out broke. She was a very demanding child.

Walking up to the giant store, it became clear that the sign changed colours, very slowly. The work of Shinra, no doubt. Especially considering the fact that the only two colours it transformed into were green and blue.

"Yuffie, you got Marlene's wish list?" Tifa asked the overloaded ninja as they entered the store.

She flashed the brunette a glimpse of the incredibly long list that fell all the way to the floor. "Check."

Reno's mouth was hung open wide. "That kid's either a dreamer or a spoilt brat. Either way, she'd be lucky to get two of the things on that list. Look! 'Ride me Pony', 600 Gil. That's more than I get paid in a week! What are they tryin' to suggest? That the kid wants a pony to ride them? Who'd want to waste it 600 Gil on a piece of gay crap like-Oh."

Not that what he said mattered. No one was listening, just staring in a trance at the three metre tall shelf of materia. Especially Yuffie-she looked like she was in heaven.

"No wonder Marlene loves this shop so much..." The girl gaped, her brown eyes wider than humanely possible. She ran up to the materia shelf without dropping a single piece of her own. Until a little boy pushed her.

Materia flew everywhere, and passerbys stopped in their tracks and stared.

"Thief!" The little boy cried at Yuffie. "The girl tried to steal the materia!"

Gasps could be heard from all around, and before anyone knew it, the security guards had arrived.

Yuffie was outraged. "Why you little bastard!" That didn't help her reputation at all. "How dare you accuse me of stealing materia! That was mine in the first place, and now I don't even know what is anymore!"

She began to cry. "M-Materia!! Oh I'm so sorry my babies! Forgive me!"

Reno and Tifa raised an eyebrow at each other, but Reno was the one who acted first.

"Listen up, ass-faces! This might look like a goddamn crime scene to you common-folk, but I swear on my life as a Turk that the materia on the ground belongs to Princess Kisaragi here. Well, at least, some of it does."

No one wore even the slightest expression of belief on their faces, so Reno had to come up with a plan B.

But Yuffie was already one step ahead.

She aimed one of her glowing yellow materia from her arm at the cluster of materia on the ground, and within moments, her belongings rose to their master.

The crowd still didn't look convinced. If anything, seeing the girl take the materia she was alleged to have stolen made them even more furious.

"Oh crap." Elena muttered. "Nice job, Princess. Got any other bright ideas to get us out of here?"

"Um..." Yuffie scanned the materia shelf in sight for anything useful. Then she saw it. And it was just in her reach. "Teleport!"

At that instant, their toy-store surroundings faded into an empty abyss.


Reno and Tifa were the last to wake up. And when they did, the first thing they saw was a rainbow coloured sky above their heads.


"Babe?" Reno shook his girlfriend's shoulder, who was lying on top of him. It was a little awkward, especially when he noticed that Elena was standing arms crossed, right next to them. At least, he thought it was Elena. She looked a little...electrified, to him.

"Mmm..." Tifa, at least, appeared completely normal. "Let's go, Cloud."

She sure wasn't acting completely normal.

"Tifa, babe, wake up!" Reno urged, fiercer this time. He sat up, only to see that she was fast asleep.

"I am the last remaining...Cetra..."

Whatever was happening, Reno knew two things. It was Yuffie's doing, and it wasn't good.

"Uh...Aerith, wake up!" Reno tried again. "It's...It's me, Cloud!"

Tifa bolted upright, panting heavily as if waking up from a nightmare. "Don't!"

Just as Reno thought things couldn't get any weirder, he heard an evil cackling laugh, a familiar sound that echoed from all around him. Speaking of around, where was he?

It was the freakiest place he'd ever been. He knew he must have been dreaming when he saw the glowing rainbow clouds in the sky, and the balls of materia that were floating around. The horizon was empty-in fact, the whole place was. It was like a battlefield, with only few small objects such as logs and mushrooms which looked to be made up of materia. This place was Yuffie's dreamland. Strange noises that sounded like eagles echoed around him, and he could see a flowing mist that resembled the lifestream fly above his head. But it was what was below him that terrified him the most.

An endless darkness that was spotted with tiny glowing orbs. The worst part was that if he gazed into it long enough, he could see the dizzying yet vague face of Yuffie, wearing a crown of materia.

What is she, the Goddess of this place?

"Ahahahahaha..." Her terrifying laugh echoed once more around the strange world he was in.

Even though Tifa was acting like the dead flower-girl, Reno was glad she was awake. Another prescence in this weird place was comforting.

"Ti...Aerith?" He murmured.

Tifa looked at him oddly for a moment before finally comprehending. "Reno...It's been a while. How is Tseng?"

"No, Aerith. You're not Aerith, you're...Oh damn, how do I explain this to an Avalanche? To put it simply, you're Tifa." Reno tried, hoping for some sort of miracle.

He didn't get a reply from Tifa, only from Yuffie.

"Ooh right, I forgot to change you, Reno!"

"No, to whatever God exists in this place, I pray you, don't let her do it!!!"

"Reno, you're praying to me, you realise." Yuffie giggled-well, it was more of a cackle. "Squirtle, I choose you!"

He immediately felt smaller and...harder. Every time he tried to make a sound, only a strangled 'squirtle!' was emitted.

"Squirrrtlle....." He choked.

"Hmm...Let's have some fun, shall we?" Yuffie decided, and from wherever it was that she reigned, she commanded, "Pikachu, electrocute that ugly creation of mine!"

Elena, who now looked significantly more like an actual pikachu, obeyed Yuffie the Goddess, sending a proud strike of thunder at the helpless turtle on the ground."

"Squir...tle?" Reno cocked his blue head to the side and watched as the strike came upon him, stunning him and strangely reminding him of the smell of fried chicken.

Tifa rushed up to her fallen boyfriend and gasped. "Squirtle, are you okay!? That's it, I'm gonna show this Goddess what I'm made of!"

The bartender pulled out her hidden materia that she kept in a hidden pocket under her skirt and raised it to the skies. "Shrink!"

The once all-powerful Goddess Yuffie soon became the meagre Princess of Wutai again, though this time wearing a silken white dress embedded with white materia, and a crown and scepter to match. "Aw man! That was fun! Hmph. I'm gonna have to make you something a little less smart, Missy."

Yuffie aimed her piece of yellow materia at Tifa and shouted, "Stupify!"

After a moment of getting comfortable in her newfound body, Tifa frowned. "That's weird. I've...Oh, no no no!"

Yuffie looked pleased. "Hmm...I quite like this dress. Thanks, Yuffie!"

That wouldn't have been the first time Yuffie's materia had malfunctioned. Or at least, her intentions had.

"Squirtle squirtle!" Reno was growing quite pissed. He was born to talk, and when all he could say was 'Squirtle', he had no reason to exist anymore.

Yuffie, who was now in Tifa's body, shook her head defiantly. "I don't think so. If you want-Hey!"

Reno was no longer a blue, shelled turtle anymore, but instead a silky black haired Tseng-wearing Reno's daggy outfit though, of course.

"Pika-pika!" Elena looked very pleased with her work of stealing off the thief and getting her crush-all in one swift motion.

Reno, in Tseng's body, growled. "Pikachu, you stupid Rookie, gimme that materia!"

Elena aimed the yellow materia at herself and quickly reclaimed her normal form. "I love this! Yuffie, what do you call it?"

"As if I'd tell you!" Yuffie in Tifa's body snapped, close to catching the Turk already.

Elena aimed the materia once again, though this time at the Tifa in Yuffie's body. It was all getting really confusing. Tifa was Tifa again, and Yuffie was...Well, a snail.

"Hahaha, try and catch me now!" Elena giggled, leaping over a log made of pure materia.

"You know the story about the snail and the girl, right?" Yuffie squeaked. Obviously Elena hadn't quite got Yuffie to shut up completely yet.

The blonde smirked. "I think you'll find it's the tortoise and the hare. And we're neither, so you've got no chance!"

"I-" Yuffie began, but was silenced by the mighty boot of Reno.

"Oh my Shiva!" Tifa gasped. "Reno, if Yuffie is hurt, your ba-"

But Yuffie's remains were no longer there. In its place was a tiny glowing materia pixie, with the longest ears anyone had ever seen.

"Ooh! I hate being small! Are you trying to prove a point here!?" The pixie squeaked, folding her tiny arms across her chest.

Thankfully, no one could hear the almost non-existent sound, especially as they were chasing Elena around the endless expanse of land.

Yuffie flew over to a nearby log and settled inside one of the holes, knowing she had no chance of retrieving her materia now. So she waited, for something, anything to happen.

That anything came in the form of a giant beast.


Reno, who had now taken the form of Cloud, Tifa, who was now a rather obese chocobo, and Elena who was...well, Elena, all looked up towards the swirling sky. A winged beast that looked half unicorn-half bahamut was flying down from the sky, its whole body glowing a bright red as it moved.

"Materia hunter..." Tifa mumbled. "I read about them at high school. They live in another dimension, sorta like a rift in the-"

"Tif', this 'ain't science class. Shut up and run." Reno bolted across the black floor, looking rather cowardly in Cloud's form.

Elena was about to suggest using his giant sword to attack the creature, but she decided Reno wouldn't have known how to wield the thing anyway.

So running it was. The only problem was that the materia hunter was at least 500 times faster than the Ex-Soldier, fat chocobo, and female Turk all put together, and soon enough, it had reached them. With acute aim, the beast fired a flurry of rainbow bullets at the group, hitting each of them right in the backside.

But right when they thought it was all over, there was nothing.


The four of them, all in their original forms, were standing at the top of a huge cliff. As they peered down, they realised that they were overlooking the Cosmo Canyon. And that meant they were a long way off from home.

Reno blinked, his rage so great that it was suppressed inside of him. "Yuffie, have I ever told you how much you suck?"


Thanks for reading! I hope it didn't get too confusing with all the transformations...Please review ^^