It is generally concurred throughout the Gundam Wing fandom that if Quatre is

squishi and Duo is too cool, then Heero may not be as bad as he lets on. To

test this hypothesis I have devised a method of testing based on several

factors, looks, intelligence, romance and fear, ending with a advisory

'mini' essay entitled, What Buttons Not To Press If You Want to Keep Your

Anatomical Parts On Your Person.


Heero's looks can be rated the medium on the bishonen scale. His eyes seem

to attract most viewers. The ice cold blue of an assassin. Although...most

of the pilots tend toward blue eyes with the exception of Trowa and Wufei.

Perhaps it is Mister Yuy's eyes that are his greatest turn on.

Random Schoolgirl #1: Heero Yuy, have you seen him? Aren't his eyes sooo


Random Schoolgirl #2: Oh yeah! They just draw you in. When I look for a good

man the first thing I want is a pretty pair of eyes.

Duo: I guess that pretty much throws you out of the loop huh Cyclops?

Trowa: Whatever you say Rapunzel.

Quatre: Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your braid....

Duo: Whoo...but look at them! They're HOT!

Wufei: *monotone* Rapunzel, Rapunzel needs to be spayed.

Duo: Look who's talking Mr. Drool all over Sally Po.

Wufei: At least I don't rely on a gundam for **my** date.

Duo: Doesn't count if their inflatable Wu-man.

But I digress...


Heero could put any hacker to shame. His skill with computers has deleted

him off many a school record and his knowledge of battle strategies has made

him a godsend to his friends and a pain in the butt to his eneimes. To show

you the genius behind his stratiges, I have presented several here...

The Blow Them All To Bits approach

The Blow Them All To Bits While Blowing Me All To Bits approach

The Blow Everything All To Bits Because Zero Wants Me To approach

and finally the

Pretend To Blow Duo To Bits And As Tempting As That Prospect Is Shoot

Something Behind Him approach

These tactics have been copied by many, including Trowa, Quatre and a few

failed attempts by Duo who just can't get the darned thing to blow up.

Duo: Comon'! What do I have to make you do? Eat a nuclear warhead?


Heero is about romantic as a elephant on PMS. But admittedly, the stoic

pilot does have his moments. Dancing with Relena for one and also continually

chanting her name...

Heero: Relena... Relena... Relena... Miaka...

Relena/Tamahome: NANI?!?!

Some believe however, that his greatest show of loving Relena is not blowing

her head off all the fifty and a half million times she's asked him to....

Relena: Kill me!

Heero: ...

Relena: Kill me!

Heero: ...

Relena: Dammit Heero! I want you to kill me!!

Duo: La petite morte!*

Heero: Duo o Korosu *points gun to rather essential part of Duo's anatomy

(and no where not talking about the space between his eyes.)*

Duo: Gleep! *faints*


Heero has no fear, which is possibly why it makes him scary.

General Stupid: Bwahaha! This new suit will blow you to bits!!!

Heero: ...

General Stupid: I refuse to attack until you look scared.

Heero: ... *pulls beam cannon out of his tank top and blasts General Stupid

into oblivion*

**somewhere on the Earth*

Wufei: Where on Earth am I now?! *sees a sign that says middle and further

on a sign that says nowhere.

Wufei: Ha ha ha. What humor. I could get back to Nataku if someone could

give me a hand. *suddenly a hand lands splap in the middle of the road with

a bit of cuff still attatched.*

Wufei: If I see one more stupid onna pun I am going to maim someone!

Finally we come to the last segment

What Buttons Not To Press If You Want To Keep Your Anatomical Parts On Your



The Rules And What Happens When You Screw Up

Rule number one: Only Heero tries to assassinate Relena, if you are caught

in the attempt you will be granted a third ear hole.

Rule number two: Never get between Heero and his gundam or you will find

yourself lacking a life.

Rule number three: Never turn your back on Heero or you will be picking

bullets out of your butt for days to come.

and finally

Rule number four: If Heero is a valuable ally, never tell him to jump off a

cliff...he just might.


Side information: Just in case you needed to know...

*La petite morte, although it might be spelled somewhat wrong, is French

for, The Little Death, which means a sexual climax...


Wo Ai Ni, No Da!