Can You Actually Keep a Secret? By AndromedaMarine
Author's Note: All dialogue; set in season nine with Jack still on SG-1 along with Sam, Daniel, Teal'c, Mitchell, and Vala. Dr. Frasier is still alive and Dr. Lam works in the infirmary. Hope you can distinguish the speakers!
"Please let my head go."
"No. I told you to take it back, but oh-no! Got all cocky, didn't we?"
"Jack, you're the one who's got me in a headlock. Not the other way around."
"I think Vala would pay dearly to see this, whadda ya think?"
"Jack, I swear..."
"Gonna go tell Landry you got your ass whooped by me?"
"No, I was going to – OW!"
"Hey, I told you. Stop squirming."
"It wasn't necessary to slap me, Jack! I have work to do!"
"Tablets to translate, archives to archive, blah, blah, blah. Daniel, you'd think after...how many years have I known your puny ass?"
"Exactly, you'd think after ten years you'd learn not to mention delicate subjects like...that."
"Like what, sir?"
"Carter, you're supposed to be off-world!"
"We were, Jackie darling, but came back early. We missed you. Well, that and we were done earlier than we thought. Anyways, why is Daniel in that position?"
"Vala, shut up please."
"Daniel, you shouldn't talk to your girlfriend like that."
"Oh, don't talk to me about girlfriends, Jack O'Neill. OW!"
"Sir, why is Daniel in a headlock?"
"Never mind that, Carter. Don't give me that look!"
"What look, Sam? What look are you giving our darling Jackie?"
"Vala, go challenge Teal'c to a basketball game. Take Mitchell while you're at it."
"Oh, sir, I think I'd like to know what our local archaeologist did to make you, well, attack him."
"Basketball. Teal'c and Vala. NOW."
"General... I think you can release him now."
"Jack, please. You're hurting me."
"Well, why didn't you say so to begin with? You know I don't like hurting you."
"I would've if you hadn't started spouting off about –"
"Watch it, Danny-Boy. Carter, get that smirk off your face."
"Carter, go translate something...useful. I need to have a little chat with our local archaeologist. Don't laugh at me, Colonel."
"Sir. Make sure he's in one piece when you're done with him."
"...Jackson, you can't actually keep a secret, can you?"
"Well, Jack, I would if you didn't pull me into a headlock every single time it accidentally slips."
"'Accidentally'? Daniel, Dr. Lam, Dr. Frasier, Siler, and half the 'Gate crew heard you practically yell it. I don't think that constitutes as 'accidental.'"
"She didn't hear me, now did she?"
"That's not the point."
"Enlighten me on the point, Jack."
"The point...the point is that I told you in confidence."
"Actually I overheard you 'practicing' to ask her out...but that's not relative."
"Don't ever mention this."
"Okay, I won't tell Vala you like Sam."
"Okay, okay, I won't tell anybody."
"You can't actually keep a secret, huh?"
"Nope. OW! Okay!"