-Wife Swap: Cullen vs. Wickers-

-Chapter 1-

It was a windy day in Detroit when a thick, manila envelope arrived in the mailbox of the Cullen house. Carlisle had just come home from work and stopped to get the mail. Inside was a bill, magazines, and a letter from someone he didn't know. He parked and brought the mail inside. "Can you all please come downstairs? I need to discuss this letter with you," he asked politely. Still dressed for work, and needing to spend some time with his wife, Carlisle wanted to get this over with.

Emmett came down first. "What's up?" he asked nervously. It was his fault they were in this mess.

"Emmett! You weren't supposed to let him see it. What did I tell you? Bring it to me when it comes," Alice lectured him.

Jasper sighed. "Why am I always the last to know? It really isn't fair. Alice, what is going on?"

"I agree completely Jasper. Why is it the good people that never get told anything?" Rosalie sighed dramatically.

"You aren't going to be happy about this, Carlisle," Edward muttered.

"Oh come on! It will be fun." Bella smiled.

Esme glided over and kissed Carlisle. "What won't he like?" she asked. The question was open ended but directed at Emmett.

"Just read the letter. You know, you've really done it this time. Alice, Emmett, you two have corrupted poor Bella into thinking your games are fun. I hope you are proud of yourselves," Edward said darkly.


I cracked open the envelope. Inside was an array of papers, the first of which was a letter of conformation. "Congratulations,Cullen family,on account of an interesting video submission we have accepted you to be part of our show,Wife Swap. Please be ready for when the date of,March 15th, comes around our cameras will arrive to begin filming. The following day a limo will arrive to take,Esme Cullen, to the airport. Once again, congratulations and happy filming!"I was shocked. My children, who I thought I loved until this moment, had signed us up for a silly human television program. Alice, Emmett, and Bella were all staring intently at their shoes. Ah, the culprit's. Edward nodded as if to say, yes, Carlisle, these are your children with the smallest amount of self preservation.

"It seemed like a good idea when we filmed the video," Alice began.

"Yeah, it was my idea though. I recruited Alice and then she convinced Bella," Emmett said.

"They made it sound fun. I mean, I like that show so it'd be cool to be on it," Bella said timidly.

I sighed. Was there anything we could do about it now? No, there wasn't. What was the point of getting upset then? "All right, I'm not angry. We have to do this seeing as March 15th is tomorrow. So, who wants to show me the submission tape?"

I looked down at my beautiful wife. She was staring, wide eyed with horror, at the wall in front of her. "I don't want to swap with another family… Well, maybe it might be fun. I won't like being away from any of you though. I just hope the new mom doesn't scare easy." I knew there was a reason I loved Esme.

"Thank you," I whispered. She embraced me and sighed. Emmett came down with a silver disc in his left hand.

"Movie time," he suggested. Emmett popped it into the DVD player and settled down on the love seat. Alice dimmed the lights and sat on the floor.

The scene before me was one of my house. The camera moved quickly around the front and back, suggesting the one who filmed this had been fast walking – vampire style. It then cut to the living room. Jasper was lying on the couch I now sat on. "That's Jasper. Ya see the book he's reading? Well he's not a nerd. Well, not all the time. He's kind of quiet though. But when he's with Emmett, well, they have some good times," Emmett faked my voice perfectly.

It showed empty shots of the rest of the rooms downstairs before showing the backyard. Esme sat on one of the benches, gazing down at a river. "That's my wife, Esme. She stays at home while I work. She likes gardening and… cleaning I guess. Oh, she likes shopping too. Her favorite kid is Emmett!" Rosalie smacked Emmett on the back of the head. Jasper paused the video.

"Ow, what was that for?" Emmett cried, rubbing the back of his skull.

"Wife, favorite!" Rosalie hissed.

"Oh come on, baby, I was faking Carlisle. What did you want me to say? Hey, you know you're the real favorite, right?" Emmett consoled his fuming wife.

Jasper looked at me for a moment before pressing play. A shot of his and Alice's bedroom came on. "That's Alice and Jasper's bedroom. They're together. All of my kids are." The camera moved to Alice's open closet doors. She stood looked at her outfit in the mirror. "That is Alice. Don't let her size fool you. She's addicted to shopping and it's really bad. Good news is that she has a badass Porsche."

I don't talk like that.

Emmett and Rosalie's bedroom premiered next. Rosalie lay in bed, music faint in the background, "That's Rose. Isn't she pretty? I adopted her second, after Eddie." Edward hissed at Emmett who shrugged, "She likes shopping too. In her free time she likes working on cars. She's real good."

"Good news! You're out of the doghouse!" Rosalie squealed.

It flashed the third story and various unimportant rooms before settling on Edward and Bella's room. "That's Eddie and Bella's room. Bella and Eddie are out in woods… doing stuff right now. Okay, follow me." The next thing on the screen was a picture of Emmett. He was in Rosalie's closet. "That's Emmett. Remember the cool guy I was talking about before? Well that's him! He like's messing with people and playing with his girl, Rosalie."

My study showed next. I was reading a medical journal. "That's me, Carlisle. I work at the hospital. I'm one cool dude." I looked at Emmett who smiled sheepishly. Over half the room was glaring at him. The only thing he could say was, "What did I do?" Alice groaned and stood up. The video was just fading to black.

"One: you made Jazzy sound stupid, Esme sound like a doormat, me sound terrible, you totally exaggerated yourself and Rosalie, didn't even have Edward and Bella, made poor Carlisle sound like he's shacking up with us, and made Daddy talk funny. That's all your mistakes. Hopefully you will learn to be better in the future."

Emmett appeared hurt. "That's not nice Alice! I worked hard on that video, and, you know, it must have been pretty damn good since we got accepted."

"No," Jasper hissed, "I'm sure they thought us all stupid so they wanted us on the program. You know, to up the rates with the crazy incestuous family."

Alice got up and sat in his lap, "Oh come on, it'll be fun."

"Fine." Jasper sighed.

"You let Alice walk all over you, Jasper," Edward said.

"You can't talk!" Jasper cried.

"None of us can," Emmett relented.

Esme stood and walked quietly up to the center of our staircase. She sat down and gestured around her. All of us got up to sit around her. "I've never seen this show before, what should I do?" Esme asked.

"You need to make a rule book. With family information, what to do and not to do, how our family operates, stuff like that," Emmett supplied.

"Oh, you need to make comments on your surroundings and when you read the rules," Alice sang.

"Half way through the week you get to make some new rules up for the family. In the beginning they probably won't listen but they usually do in the end. You're going to a well organized family, I'm sure. That means we, as the fun family, will have a crappy second week, and the other family, the losers, will have a good second week," Jasper said.

"The first week you will have to act like the other family's mom. Like Jasper said, on the second week you'll get to run the family how ours goes," Rosalie grinned.

"Do you want us arrested, Rosalie? Esme, for the love of all that's holy don't, please don't, have them act like us come rules change," Edward begged.

Esme stood, "Thank you," she whispered, "I have a lot to think about. Carlisle, dear?"


Esme was going upstairs with Carlisle; we all know what that means. "We should make ourselves scarce," I suggested.

Alice nodded, grimacing; "Two weeks apart, you really don't want to know what they're doing," Edward had the same look of disgust on his face.

The next couple of weeks were going to be fun. I just knew it. I thought back to the night, three months ago, when I first had the idea to sign up for the funny show…

Alice and Bella could not decide what to watch on TV. Alice wanted to watchWhat Not to Wear, while Bella wanted to watch some stupid game show. I was scrolling through the guide, bored. Rose was out, Esme and Carlisle were in Alaska on a vacation, Jasper and Edward had gone hunting. I didn't know everyone hated me so much to leave me with these two.

"Oh look,Wife Swap'son!" Alice squealed. She looked at Bella with the puppy dog look. "Please, Bella, please?" Bella nodded.

I turned it and we laughed the whole time. Humans are so stupid. It finished with a happy message about applying to the show. We were all looking at with other with evil, devious grins. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Oh I think so," Bella grinned.

"I will record a video tomorrow. Alice, you and Bella can fill out the application. Don't be stupid and don't let anyone know," I ordered. They nodded like the good little minions they are and ran upstairs.

I leaned back and let the ideas flow. How fun would it be to humiliate my family on national television?

Edward was glaring at me. Oops. I guess he heard. "Come on, Eddie, it will be fun. I promise." Why was I the only optimist?

This is going to be my first real story. Any ideas would be nice. That means were to go and were not to go. Question: would anybody mind, later on, if the Cullens sadistically killed a little dog?

I'll try to keep as in character as possiable and this is, obviously, after Breaking Dawn. I have nothing against it but I didn't want Nessie and Jacob in my story.

I aslo know the Cullen family would never be stupid enough to put themselves on TV. But, this is my story so I'm to make them do stupid things.